Tuesday, February 16, 2010


There are three things I am concerned about recently:  my health, my career and my love life.  Today I began to tackle health for without health, truly living life is so much more difficult.  It all started after I watched an episode of Ruby on TiVo.  Ruby is a reality show about a woman from Atlanta honestly facing the challenge of losing weight without surgery.  Long story short, she was in a group setting where they were discussing being in "denial" about being addicted to food.  Don't know what it was, but something in me triggered, and since then I can't stop thinking about it.  I totally can relate.

It's no secret that throughout my life, I've struggled with losing weight.  I did everything, every diet...I was even an aerobics instructor for 4 years, and a pretty damned good one too. However, something happens and i gain it back.  I've been a size 22, and a size 14.  And for many years remained between a 16 & 18, which I still am today.  Last year I lost 63 pounds through lap band surgery and hiring a personal trainer. I worked out like a fiend, six days a week of cardio and weight training -  and LOVED it.  It felt great to buy clothes and feel like they looked good.  I was THIS close to buying regular sized clothing...I was weighing 204 or so, and then something happened.  

I got scared. Scared that people won't like the "new" me, scared that I might fail, scared of possible sagging skin,  and honestly something inside me was coming up.  Some emotional pain was pushing through my body.  As the pounds were shedding, the layers of emotional pain came up, and I suddenly felt I was always on the verge of tears - EVERY SINGLE DAY!  I dealt with them, but there is something.  Don't know.  I can't help but shake that there is something I'm afraid of, and the weight was covering that for me like a warm blanket...or a band-aid on a wound.

I emailed my surgeon, Dr. Bilof,  and painfully admitted I needed help.  I admitted that through the stresses in my life, and being unable to work out since the summer due to hip pain, I had gained some of it back.  I cried the entire time I typed the email.  God, I feel so stupid!  But I had to tell the truth.  Like, Dr. Phil says, "You cannot change what you do not acknowledge."  So I have to start with the truth.  I told him I was embarrassed and needed help.  He wrote me back IMMEDIATELY.  Told me not to be embarrassed, just to come in.  

I feel a little relief, but I am terrified.  I think I have to find out what's been holding me back, holding me down for so long.  So, I made an appointment for an MRI for my hip to find out what the problem is.  I made an appointment with the bariatric surgeon to talk to him, and most likely get the band tightened...not looking forward to the week of liquids, lol..but I have to start somewhere.  But all that is the physical part..what do I do with the emotional part.  Ooh, something just occurred to me....is it possible I'm addicted to food, sugar?  Hmm.                     

1 comment:

  1. I struggle with my weight too- and was told it affects my asthma. I SHOULD lose about 45 lbs and I am going on 54 yrs old- although EVERYONE THINKS I am in my 30s!! lol. I have been excercising in my room (welfare can't afford a gym) and try to walk more. My birthday is the end of May and am trying to lose at least 10-15 lbs by then. I wear womens sizes but not yet 22.