REALITY? REALLY?

The other day, I received an email from one of my agents informing me that I would be receiving a call from a producer from a VERY popular network (which shall go unnamed until I know it's happening). Why? That's when he told me that these producers have been in communication with him for some time now about putting a reality show depicting the lives of freestyle artists, both professionally & personally, and the relationships with their agents.

Deep down, I had always hoped we, the freestyle artists, could somehow document our stories because I believe you would be shocked & disturbed by what you would see. When we think of recording artists, there are immediate images in our minds: limousines, stylists, the best clothes, jewelry, gowns, concerts, getting the "star" treatment, jet-setting to different countries and finally, money. But those are the MAJOR LABEL RECORDING ARTISTS who are selling so many recordings that they go platinum. Those are the Beyonces, Lady Gagas, Rihannas, Pitbulls & Ushers of the industry. And those artists work VERY hard for their successes...so I am not putting them down. But what about other artists who are simply trying to stay in the light, simply trying to stay in the public eye? That's who I believe, sometimes we are. When I go to schools to speak to kids about making their dreams come true, I almost always get the same questions first, before getting questions that MEAN something: "Do you have a mansion? What kind of car do you drive? Do you have a pool?" Sometimes I just laugh inside, because isn't that what this society teachers us to aspire to? But sometimes, the questions sting a little. They get under my skin because my answer is 'no.' I do not have a mansion, nor do I have a pool - I can't even stretch out my legs in my own bathtub!! I have a car, (which I love) but it's not the Bentley they hope I own.

Truth is that many of us had our shining moments - at some point we were on the verge of going Pop/Top 40. Many of us like George Lamond, Sa-Fire, Lissette Melendez & especially Lisa-Lisa, did make the big leagues but it was short-lived - because of the birth of hip-hop & other "political" issues out of our control. And to this day whenever I see those artists & TKA/K7, I feel like they have been overlooked, shortchanged and denied the recognition that they should truly get & should have gotten. And so, when you go to one of our freestyle concerts, you would think there would be a lot of glamour....sometimes there is, in truth, we do see that from time to time. But what you don't see is the drama. You don't see the arguements that sometimes ensue because a promoter decides to pay us less, or not at all. You don't see the crazy chaos that sometimes occurs backstage just before you go on, or how sick one may feel at a show. You see the facade - the glamorous part - you see the finished product.

I'm not complaining by any means. I have been ABSOLUTELY BLESSED to say I have made my dream to be a singer come true - and it has lasted a quarter of a century, 25 great years. I simply think that we too, like many others, have a great story to tell.

So I spoke to the producers & had a conference call...I discovered that they are interviewing 7 freestyle artists but are only picking 5. (Shhh - it's a secret). I was asked interesting questions like: is there anyone you don't get along with? What kind of problems occur? I am not sure they were interested until I told them something that NO ONE knows about. Truth is that since February, I have been living in a bit of a silent hell - I have not been able to speak about it...I promise you that I will, but only when I know I can. But when I told them, they became very intrigued and asked me to send them some video. So, right from my iphone, I sent them a self-recorded video. They said they loved me on camera & in a few weeks, they'll be in town to finish a pilot...If the pilot is approved, we will have a reality show...and we will finally be able to show you all we do in the name of music, in the name of love for our fans, and in the name of integrity!

They explained to me that people will be in my house recording my every move...hm, then I felt sudden hesitance. Really? I mean I am no Kardashian, know what I mean? I am not in perfect clothing with a great face made up. I'm not living in some fancy penthouse...lol. And I've seen the results that reality shows have on some people. For some it's brought them fame & notoriety - and for others, it's ruined their lives. But when I think about it, it could be a great thing - to show the truth, and to teach the masses more about freestyle music - which, unless you are from NY or urban cities such as Chicago or Miami, many do not even know about the freestyle movement! So, I have prayed about it, and I know that if God thinks it's a great thing for me to do, it will happen and it will be successful. Only time will tell...hmmmm!!!

LESSONS LEARNED/BEATSTOCK JONES BEACH (Part 1 of 2)

Sunday, August 8, 2010:  BEATSTOCK Jones Beach, Long Island, NY

I woke up with achy feet, splitting headache and I was relieved to know I had not gone out to any after parties...I might have collapsed, lol.  But I also woke up with a relieved heart because I woke up with closure.  For so long I'd wondered how Navy Guy felt for me, and the night before I was tempted to ask him.  But the real answers revealed themselves in his actions...and I woke up feeling clear about it all. There is a song by Carrie Underwood called Lessons Learned...and it sums up what I feel about life itself...

"For every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
For everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night
For every change life has shown me
I'm thankful for every break in my heart
I'm grateful for every scar
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned
But they were lessons learned."

In the spirit of that song...here's what meeting Navy Guy has taught me:
It's okay to be spontaneous sometimes...it's okay to take chances
It's okay to kiss a stranger and exhange curious glances.
It's fine to let your guard down and it's good to share laughter
It's fine to see what's out there, if it's real love you're after...
It's good to feel wanted- wonderful to feel desired,
But it's not worth getting burned...if you never touched the fire.
Okay, poetry aside...here it is.

It was a lot of fun, but I need more.
I am ready for real love in my life and I'm tired of meeting men who won't give me 100%.
I no longer want to be with someone with whose feelings I am always guessing.
I want to KNOW he wants me, that he loves me...
I don't want to be left wondering. I don't want to guess.
I deserve to have someone in my life who WANTS to be with me, and who is PROUD to take pics with me, and I also NO LONGER  want to share the "perks" of my life with anyone unless I know they're in for the long haul with me.  It simply leaves me feeling used...it leaves me wondering if they really cared...did they only like me because I'm Judy Torres? Did they really like me, just Judy?
This is it...Get to know me, love me or leave me ALONE!!!  LOL.

I'm glad I met him because it opened my eyes in a way. I think our relationship was a good and fun one at first.  It felt good to feel wanted by someone, to get someone's attention...but after a year...a YEAR!!  I shouldn't have to wonder why he won't hold my hand or give me a complment...truth is I need much more than that. I am looking for love...i am looking for a relationship!  I am looking for the ONE!!  And honestly it was my fault for expecting more from him.  To his credit, when he first met me, he did say, "You don't wanna get involved with a guy like me."  There...the disclaimer was right there,but like many women, I didn't heed the warning, thinking he'll be different with me.  Duh.  As they say in show business, "The show must go on!"

It was a VERY hot day. I had an appearance at the plaza at Jones Beach for QLIMG BEFORE the show from 3:00-5:30!  It involved a lot of speaking, and speaking over LOUD music.  I was concerned whether or not my voice would  make it through the day. It was already tired from the night before...and to do it all over again.  Wasn't sure if I'd hold up.  I did have a great time taking pictures with fans, giving away backstage passes so they could meet and greet with Taio Cruz, Enrique Iglesias and Pitbull. When I was done, I immediately had to go backstage and change into my outfit. It was so humid!  Ugh...I was glad I'd left my hair curly...no frizz to worry about.      

I thought about the day before...I met Charice. I said hello to Chris Willis..I love him!  LOL...I got the thumbs up from Naughty by Nature, I laughed with Lisa Lisa, hung with George Lamond and TKA, who have admittedly become big brothers to me.  I also was in awe of Pitbull.  I'd seen him sing last year and he literally blew me away! He was wonderful onstage and off...just a class act of a man!  There was almost a 20 minute wait for Pitbull to go on, and I'd never heard a large crowd be so quiet and patient in all of my life!!  When he walked on stage, he was worth the wait!!  There was a comment backstage. I overheard someone say, "He doesn't seem to have rhythm when he dances."  Shut thy mouth, sir!  Ugh!  Oh, I cannot stand haters!! LOL...I see Pitbull as having FANTASTIC sense of who he is...he has got GREAT stage presence, and he has confidence...and THAT, my friends, is SEXY!! LOL...

It was almost time to go on...I had a sudden thought. I was on my own today...no guests with me in the limo, no road manager, no friends hanging out with me.  I was happy that I'd kept myself great company all day and hadn't really noticed it at all.  And before I noticed it, I was on the side of the stage, watching Shontelle sing Impossible and wondered, "How the hell do I follow this act???"   She was great!  She was beautiful and she had a #1 hit that we are hearing on the radio every single hour!!" Hm...here goes nothing!!
  
Walked onto the stage with the sun striking me right smack in the face, and it was a repeat reception...it was GREAT!!  The crowd applauded, cheered, screamed, and it is just love. I don't know how to explain it to you, but it is a feeling of sheer unadulterated and unconditional love...and I would trade places with you just for one night so you can feel that...Once you feel that - you cannot disappoint!  You must deliver a GREAT show...and I thinnk I did very well, lol. 

Got off stage, sweaty...but didn't want to leave...I wanted to see TKA/K7 perform.  Besides the fact that we are friends...I am also a HUGE fan of theirs. I am amazed how throughtout the years, they TRULY entertain and the quality of their show is incomparable to their own peers.  Kayel of TKA gives his all - dancing, singing...he emits strength, masculinity and truth...and I just adore him!!  As I watched George Lamond came over to me, smiling...and I asked him, "Do you ever have a surreal moment while you're on stage...you know, like an out of body experience?"  He nodded in agreement, and we both continued to watch.  At the end of the show, it was a magical moment...they really had the audience eating out of their hands...there was solidarity in the crowd, something that indicates you've really given a kick-ass show...they asked the crowd to pose for a picture for Facebook, and it was a GREAT moment! I was SO SO proud of them!  And I thought, "Wow....25 years now, and we're still out here...we're still doing it!!!"  I know one day it may be over, and that day may come sooner than later, but damn, it's a great feeling to appreciate the moment NOW!!!

I got into the limo, at first satisfied with the weekend, satisfied with how I handled the disappointment...satisfied that my voice survived it all.  And then...
And then...
And then, well...
I was alone again.  I wasn't just alone...I was acutely lonely. Damn, I hate this. I just performed for litereally thousands of people, I spoke to tens of people throughout the day, talked with my comrades of freestyle...but then went home alone again....long ride home.  Alone. 
And then I did something...I should probably not have...         

                         

YOU'RE WHAAAT?!?!

I'm sorry... Did I do something wrong in a past life?  Did I rub someone the wrong way centuries ago?  Was I a player in another era of humankind??  Read on.

So I'm at a wedding I was invited too, and I was having a great time. I was dancing to Pitbull, "...we got the hotel, motel, Holiday Inn..." I had finished singing a few minutes beforehand, my gift to the couple.  Although I was told I didn't have to sing, I can see it in their eyes; they're secretly hoping, willing it to happen anyway.  When on stage I commented, "Although I was told to just be a guest, that I didn't have to sing, that's like inviting the Pope to the ceremony and telling him he doesn't have to give a blessing, lol!"  Okay, so back to the dancing...

So I have just the right amount of perspiration glistening down my back, and I sit to eat.  I cut the first piece of salmon, and just as my salivary glands are activated, "Judy, don't mean to bother you, but can you please take a picture with me?"  I will never say no, so the salmon will have to wait.  I'm taking picture after picture, and suddenly...

There's a man! With a pulse!!!

A good looking, mature, well-dressed (I know it's a wedding), handsome, well-spoken man right behind me, and to my surprise he initiates contact.  At first I thought he was being a fan, but as the conversation progressed, I sensed something else.  He had intense eyes, a lovely voice, and a presence to kill for.  Intense.  Yes, that's the word. He complimented me, "You are a beautiful woman...why never married?...stunning..." More words were exchanged so I said, "Umm...are you flattering me? " "Yes," he smiled.  "Are you flirting with me?'  "Absolutely," he added.  Oh s*&^t!!  Wow.  He was around my age, and yet he had a vibrant youth to him...yep, I'm drawn - I'm attracted.  And then I look down.

There's  a RING!!!  AAAAGGGGGUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!  What?!

So I had another show that same night, where I bumped into a handsome man whom I have been atrracted to for years, but never confessed it.  We'll call him Lee. Lee and I somewhat flirted mildly, and then he admitted to me that he'd shown interest in the past before, but I didn't entertain it.  Hm, as I thought about it, I realized it was because I was in a relationship at the tiime.  Anyway, long story short, we spent almost 3 hours in deep conversation, and it was a GREAT conversation.  I'm not just talking about the type of conversation where you both know you're attracted, so you're not really listening..you're just wondering if he'll kiss you or not.  Not that type.  It was a conversation full of a variety of intelligent topics, seasoned with laughter and sweet smiles.  Just as I ask him, "So, since you value honesty...what's your story?"  "Meaning?" he asks.  "Meaning, do you have a girlfriend?"  And then he responds in a  silent pause...Yep, he has a girlfriend!  I hate those bittersweet feelings of what-ifs, and darn, if only, etc.  I can honestly say she's a damned lucky girl, and I hope she notices!  LOL
Aghhhhh! 

You may think it a random occurence, however, I have to be honest and say this happens to me a LOT!!!  Is there a sign on my back that says,"Stupid...Married men, taken men, come hither?"  I mean, really!!!

So, let's turn the lemons into lemonade:  Two men were interested in one night - my ego was mildly stroked.  I had a chance to discuss politics, religion and there was no blood shed.  I talked about reading, books, life, relationships and I didn't have to fight octopus hands.  I found a friend, I think, with whom I exhanged sincere smiles. I got to bring the salmon home.  I laughed in the ferocious rain, AND I felt my first blush of spring...on my cheeks!

So if there is such a thing as a past life, and I did indeed really hurt a lot of people, I now, duly apologize.  I'm sorry, Lo siento!!  LOL...ah, what can you do?