IN THE COMPANY OF A STAR!!!

Wasn't even in Atlanta for 24 hours and yet it was a HUGE learning experience! I was nervous while taking off from the airport on my way to Atlanta to record a song that Chris Willis and I wrote.  After all, it's Chris Willis!!! Don't know who he is, I dare you to google him. I landed and called him as he had instructed me to. Chris picked me up and had the best aura around him.  Sometimes when you are around a person, you just know they possess so much positivity - and he's got it! Before we went to the studio, he took me to check into the hotel.  Originally, when Chris & I discussed my visit to record with him, I assumed I'd pay for the trip - because that's what I do; take responsibility and claim it on my taxes, haha.

Then I suddenly get an email from Chris & all arrangement were made in advance. I simply thought that when I saw Chris, I would reimburse him for costs. When we got to the front desk to check in, I was given my key and told it was "taken care of." I looked at Mr. Willis with suspicion:
"Chris, um, I thought I'd be paying for this."
"Well, maybe we can barter later or something."
I would like to add that this was not some Holiday Inn (no offense, Holiday Inn, I've had many nice stays at your fine establishment).  This was a 5 star, luxury - even-Oprah Winfrey-would-have-you-stay-there kind of hotel.  AND...there's more!  It was on the top floor, balcony, GORGEOUS room...you know the kind that leaves fluffy robes and shee-shee-foo-foo toiletries!!  I put my bag down and was off to the studio.

It was at his studio that I confessed my anxiety about recording with him.  I explained how when I see him perform I simply hear a star!  His vocal range and what he does with his voice exceeds my expectations. His stage presence is commanding, and I told him that I have just been so stupidly happy to see him rise to the top!!  He thanked me, and proceeded to tell me that after seeing me perform at Beatstock he wondered why I wasn't more famous! Ha! He wondered?  LOL..I wonder too!  That's the question!  Anyway, truth is I imagine that when he's in the studio he's a perfectionist and probably records everything on one take.  There are a few, a small elite group of people who can record a whole song on one take...Chris laughed when I told him that and told me not to worry.

We got started around 2:30pm.  It felt good - I felt good.  I felt supported.  And for once, because he was doing the engineering, I felt someone spoke my language.  In the past, whenever I've recorded, it's frustrating sometimes to work with people who do not sing. I mean no offense to any past producers, but singers, in a way, have a different language in the studio. Sometimes it is difficult for a producer to convey to a singer what they are looking to hear. But not only did Chris speak my language but he had like an advanced vocabulary!!!  I was very happy - the song is different than anything I've ever recorded. It has hints of R&B, Gospel, dance, pop...and it's a really happy song about believing you've finally found love - something you know I am secretly hoping for!! About four hours later, we went to dinner.

Hanging out with Chris Willis was a great experience. It was just me and him...and I picked his brain like crazy. I wanted to know what is his secret?  How did he find this success?  What does he tell himself when the "powers that be" in the music industry try to discourage him?  How does it feel to have two top 40 songs?  Every single question I asked he answered, and he answered with an honesty and a humility that I couldn't have received any better.  We also discussed things like family, matters of the heart, and spirituality and religion...Not to mention that dinner was GREAT!!  LOL.  He asked me questions too...and I felt I made a friend.  I realized right there and then, as the sun slowly went down in Atlanta, that God rewarded me a blessing, far beyond what I could have hoped for:  a new friend in the business and a deeper discussion about musical aspirations and dreaming for a higher level in life.

We reconvened the recording about 8pm or so.  I had recorded 2 verses, a bridge and background vocals had to be done.  Okay, there are background vocals that usually consist of two part harmony...and then there's Chris Willis harmony - four parts, and layers and layers of other vocals overlapping over others...in essence it's genius, but to record it...a whole new story, people!  Not only did I have to do those layers, but also had to record all of it (probably about 40 or so), in addition, I had to do it four times over so it sounds "fuller" ; choir like!  It was 11:30 when my throat began to hurt.  But I mentioned nothing to him, even though he persisted to ask intermittently if my throat was ok....only a true singer would know the threshold for the throat before it begins to tire.  And then I learned something I had not known...Chris would be flying in the morning to film his video for his new song!!!  How could he still be with me, when he has less than eight hours before he flies!!  He finally admitted that he thought we both did  not have the energy to finish and have the best result....and he drove me back to my room & I wished him a safe flight and gave him the advice my mom leaves me with before every show:  "Go and kick butt!"

I was on such an adrenaline high from recording with Chris Willis, that I didn't realize what my  body was going through. Aunt Flo made a cameo appearance, (I know, I know...too much information) my back was killing me, I had a migraine, and my legs were swollen! I walked into my hotel room, was just about to surrender to my gorgeous king size bed, when I suddenly realized something was in the room that hadn't been there when I first checked in:  a huge gorgeous, flower arrangement of pure white lillies!!!  The whole roomed smelled GORGEOUS!  I looked at the card:  "Judy, welcome to Atlanta!  Sing pretty! Love, Chris."

And this morning, I treated myself to breakfast in bed, and even with my throat sore, I managed to enjoy it.  I checked out, and as I walked outside, there was a black town car, there was a man holding a sign that read, "Ms. Judy Torres." Yep. Chris, the gentleman he is, sent a car to take me to the airport!!  And as the plane took off, I realize there is still a chorus to be recorded, but we arranged a future date to finish what we started.  This experience will stay in my heart for as long as I live and I will definitely pay it forward!!! But that, my friends...is what it felt like to be in the company of a STAR!!!                                           

LESSONS LEARNED/BEATSTOCK JONES BEACH (Part 1 of 2)

Sunday, August 8, 2010:  BEATSTOCK Jones Beach, Long Island, NY

I woke up with achy feet, splitting headache and I was relieved to know I had not gone out to any after parties...I might have collapsed, lol.  But I also woke up with a relieved heart because I woke up with closure.  For so long I'd wondered how Navy Guy felt for me, and the night before I was tempted to ask him.  But the real answers revealed themselves in his actions...and I woke up feeling clear about it all. There is a song by Carrie Underwood called Lessons Learned...and it sums up what I feel about life itself...

"For every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
For everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night
For every change life has shown me
I'm thankful for every break in my heart
I'm grateful for every scar
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned
But they were lessons learned."

In the spirit of that song...here's what meeting Navy Guy has taught me:
It's okay to be spontaneous sometimes...it's okay to take chances
It's okay to kiss a stranger and exhange curious glances.
It's fine to let your guard down and it's good to share laughter
It's fine to see what's out there, if it's real love you're after...
It's good to feel wanted- wonderful to feel desired,
But it's not worth getting burned...if you never touched the fire.
Okay, poetry aside...here it is.

It was a lot of fun, but I need more.
I am ready for real love in my life and I'm tired of meeting men who won't give me 100%.
I no longer want to be with someone with whose feelings I am always guessing.
I want to KNOW he wants me, that he loves me...
I don't want to be left wondering. I don't want to guess.
I deserve to have someone in my life who WANTS to be with me, and who is PROUD to take pics with me, and I also NO LONGER  want to share the "perks" of my life with anyone unless I know they're in for the long haul with me.  It simply leaves me feeling used...it leaves me wondering if they really cared...did they only like me because I'm Judy Torres? Did they really like me, just Judy?
This is it...Get to know me, love me or leave me ALONE!!!  LOL.

I'm glad I met him because it opened my eyes in a way. I think our relationship was a good and fun one at first.  It felt good to feel wanted by someone, to get someone's attention...but after a year...a YEAR!!  I shouldn't have to wonder why he won't hold my hand or give me a complment...truth is I need much more than that. I am looking for love...i am looking for a relationship!  I am looking for the ONE!!  And honestly it was my fault for expecting more from him.  To his credit, when he first met me, he did say, "You don't wanna get involved with a guy like me."  There...the disclaimer was right there,but like many women, I didn't heed the warning, thinking he'll be different with me.  Duh.  As they say in show business, "The show must go on!"

It was a VERY hot day. I had an appearance at the plaza at Jones Beach for QLIMG BEFORE the show from 3:00-5:30!  It involved a lot of speaking, and speaking over LOUD music.  I was concerned whether or not my voice would  make it through the day. It was already tired from the night before...and to do it all over again.  Wasn't sure if I'd hold up.  I did have a great time taking pictures with fans, giving away backstage passes so they could meet and greet with Taio Cruz, Enrique Iglesias and Pitbull. When I was done, I immediately had to go backstage and change into my outfit. It was so humid!  Ugh...I was glad I'd left my hair curly...no frizz to worry about.      

I thought about the day before...I met Charice. I said hello to Chris Willis..I love him!  LOL...I got the thumbs up from Naughty by Nature, I laughed with Lisa Lisa, hung with George Lamond and TKA, who have admittedly become big brothers to me.  I also was in awe of Pitbull.  I'd seen him sing last year and he literally blew me away! He was wonderful onstage and off...just a class act of a man!  There was almost a 20 minute wait for Pitbull to go on, and I'd never heard a large crowd be so quiet and patient in all of my life!!  When he walked on stage, he was worth the wait!!  There was a comment backstage. I overheard someone say, "He doesn't seem to have rhythm when he dances."  Shut thy mouth, sir!  Ugh!  Oh, I cannot stand haters!! LOL...I see Pitbull as having FANTASTIC sense of who he is...he has got GREAT stage presence, and he has confidence...and THAT, my friends, is SEXY!! LOL...

It was almost time to go on...I had a sudden thought. I was on my own today...no guests with me in the limo, no road manager, no friends hanging out with me.  I was happy that I'd kept myself great company all day and hadn't really noticed it at all.  And before I noticed it, I was on the side of the stage, watching Shontelle sing Impossible and wondered, "How the hell do I follow this act???"   She was great!  She was beautiful and she had a #1 hit that we are hearing on the radio every single hour!!" Hm...here goes nothing!!
  
Walked onto the stage with the sun striking me right smack in the face, and it was a repeat reception...it was GREAT!!  The crowd applauded, cheered, screamed, and it is just love. I don't know how to explain it to you, but it is a feeling of sheer unadulterated and unconditional love...and I would trade places with you just for one night so you can feel that...Once you feel that - you cannot disappoint!  You must deliver a GREAT show...and I thinnk I did very well, lol. 

Got off stage, sweaty...but didn't want to leave...I wanted to see TKA/K7 perform.  Besides the fact that we are friends...I am also a HUGE fan of theirs. I am amazed how throughtout the years, they TRULY entertain and the quality of their show is incomparable to their own peers.  Kayel of TKA gives his all - dancing, singing...he emits strength, masculinity and truth...and I just adore him!!  As I watched George Lamond came over to me, smiling...and I asked him, "Do you ever have a surreal moment while you're on stage...you know, like an out of body experience?"  He nodded in agreement, and we both continued to watch.  At the end of the show, it was a magical moment...they really had the audience eating out of their hands...there was solidarity in the crowd, something that indicates you've really given a kick-ass show...they asked the crowd to pose for a picture for Facebook, and it was a GREAT moment! I was SO SO proud of them!  And I thought, "Wow....25 years now, and we're still out here...we're still doing it!!!"  I know one day it may be over, and that day may come sooner than later, but damn, it's a great feeling to appreciate the moment NOW!!!

I got into the limo, at first satisfied with the weekend, satisfied with how I handled the disappointment...satisfied that my voice survived it all.  And then...
And then...
And then, well...
I was alone again.  I wasn't just alone...I was acutely lonely. Damn, I hate this. I just performed for litereally thousands of people, I spoke to tens of people throughout the day, talked with my comrades of freestyle...but then went home alone again....long ride home.  Alone. 
And then I did something...I should probably not have...         

                         

The Lobster, The Navy Guy and The Strange Feeling.(Part 1 of 2)

Friday, August 6th -
Life is very ironic. Received a phone call from my ex-boyfriend, who I was with for 5 1/2 years.  I called him my Lobster the entire time we were together.  Why?  Because I believed he was always THE ONE, the one I would spend my life with, the one whose children I bear, the one I'd marry.  I broke things off after many red flags had waved in my face, and I could no longer ignore them: the fact that I'd never met his parents; the fact that he'd promised we'd live together but  moved without me; the fact that there were holes in some of his stories, and the fact that after 5 1/2 years together, we weren't even engaged...there was simply no real proof that said he wanted to future with me. 

Anyway, the Lobster called me and immediately, I felt it.  Everytime he calls, I am automatically back with him in my mind, I am automatically feeling love for him, but I am also, automatically hurt again...confused again, and angry again.  For the entirety of our relationship, the Lobster had always gone to my shows and especially to Beatstock.  It was always wonderful to hear him wish me luck before I walked onto the stage, to see the smile on his face when I got off and to feel the pride he felt for me....but for the last two years, I'd gone solo. I wondered if he called because he knew it was Beatstock weekend.  I wondered if he called because he'd hoped I'd bring it up.  I wondered if he called because he knew Navy Guy was in town. But then again...I just wondered.  What did he want?  Why did he call now?  Just last year, I had a conversation with him...we'd gone to a wake together...and it was that night I confessed to him that he still had a chance if he wanted me back as long as he'd make time to see me and promise to have a future with me.  He had asked me that night if I loved Navy Guy, and I told him I did not. I told him that I would leave any  prospect if it meant we could be together again.  He promised to take me to dinner...but nothing happened.      

In fact, he invited me out a couple of weeks ago with less than a four hour notice, but I was SO extremely worn out from planning the music video for Stay, that I simply could not. I was exhausted...and I was not up to it. I could not physically do it.  I thought to myself, it's great to be spontaneous, but if he really wanted it to be special, why wouldn't he plan it better with me?  And that's part of our problem...timing. He never had time for me. I was always the one begging him for his time, and I had to accept it....now for the first time, I didn't have the time, and I had to say no.         

Navy Guy called to say he was pulling up in front of my house. For a moment, I had no idea of how to greet him. I hadn't seen him since December, and since December a lot had happened.  In December. I didn't exactly feel like he wanted a substantial relationship with me, and the day before he left, I told him I just wanted to be friends...that's how we left things.  And then over some time, as the months passed, he'd called, angry and accusing me of "kicking him to the curb," claiming that we did have something; that he indeed considered me a girlfriend.  But then again, realisitically, I knew he was drunk too, and perhaps very lonely.  At one time, he sent me a message stating that when he returned he wanted to "offer a proposition."

Walking down the stairs, I had decided to see how I felt when I saw him instead of waiting to see how he felt.  Navy Guy got out of the car, with a smile on his face and roses...I walked over to him, and we hugged.  Yes, he was as cute as ever, and ironically we were both wearing the same color, lol.  Almost immediately, he presented a box to me, white with a big, plush, silver bow. I admit, I LOVE receiving gifts...I don't get them often, so it is always exciting to me, and it always makes me feel like a little kid!  I opened the box, and he was so excited. "I got it in Italy...is it exotic enough? (I teased him online asking him to find something exotic for me and he'd told me he isn't that creative.)  Do you think it will fit?"  I put it on...it was a jewelry set - earrings, bracelet and necklace hand-made of jade and sterling silver...very pretty, unique. He was disappointed that the bracelet was big on me...I am a big girl, with big calves, but I have little ankles, wrists and fingers, lol.

As we walked into the restaurant, we held hands..not a bad sign, I thought.  At dinner we had some light conversation.  We didn't have much time together as I had a show that night, but I invited him nonetheless.  On the ride over, he joked around with the driver, and he seemed happy to be home; happy to be back.  At the show, however, I noticed something felt off...couldn't put my finger on it.  Wait, maybe I can.  I noticed he was talking to one of my friends...a lot. That is fine with me, but when I was around him, he was quiet. He wouldn't dance with me, and he barely said one word. When I  got home, we parted ways because Beatstock was the next day, and I needed my rest.  He kissed me goodnight.  Something was missing...something felt wrong...



             

WHAT WOULD YOU DO???

I woke up today in a hurry...lots to do...lots to prepare for. Wait.  Oh, my God!  Look at my house!  Judy!!! What have you done??? There was no way in the world I would do anything until I thoroughly cleaned up my mess!!!  Got dressed, flew to buy a new air conditioner - mine sounds like it's a minute away from blowing up!  Bought the air conditioner, and drove to  the Woodbridge Mall...I change it up all the time...I have about 3-4 malls I love!  Anyway, I meet a friend and ask her to shop with me so I could buy cool outfits for this weekend's shows for Beatstock!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, sometimes you walk into a store...and you find nothing, nada, zilch!  And then sometimes, on a rare occasion, you can strike gold!!  Today, I walked into the very first store and hit the jackpot!!  Immediately I found two outfits, matching jewelry...but wait. 
Oh..
My...
God...
(angels singing over my head). There they were.

Black, leather, over the knee with peek-a-boo-toe boots!  You don't understand...to the average girl..no big deal.  But I have horses' calves...no matter what size I've been - whether a 14 (which is average for my 5'9" height) or an 18...doesn't matter. I can NEVER buy boots like that as much as I like them...but thanks to the "plus size boot", with extra room for muscularly curvy calves...that's what I call mine, I was able to try them on...and of course they go perfect with my outfit!  How much, you ask??  Ready? $68!  That's it!?  Oh, now I HAD to buy them....

The cashier was completely alone...the other worker never showed up and she was literally doing the work of 3 women...I finally walked up to her and made my purchase...
Final price:  $233. 
My friend and I looked at each other in amazement! Wow...all that stuff:  boots, shoes, 5 tops, a belt, 2 rings.  That was GREAT...the tops were not cheap...so I thought in my head a total of close to $400 or so.  Immediately my friend and I went to another shoe store.  I know, I know...I already bought 2 pairs...
But you know what I just LOVE about shoes? They always fit...I can be size 14, 16, 18, 20...whatever..but the shoes...they fit!!  LOL  Okay back to the story.

We walked into another shoe store, where I was trying on a pair of HOT silver shoes and gold ankle booties...we were still stunned that the total amount of my purchase was so low...so my friend pulls out the receipt...Because I am a frequent shopper, I immediately get 5% off my purchase.  So my friend starts reading it aloud...then she got quiet.

"What, Brenda?"
"Um, Judy..she didn't charge you for the boots."
"Yes, she did...of course she did...they were HUGE boots...how could she not see them?"

I grab the receipt. My eyes dart all over the piece of paper, desperate to find the proof.
Shoot...she didn't charge me for the boots. 
It wasn't as if I had gone home and noticed.
I was literally at the store just across from it.

I had a sudden flashback. Many years ago, I was shopping in Target...Tarjet! The cashier handed me back over $20 too much...I got in my car and when I realized it, I returned it back to her.  I wondered if I hadn't returned it, perhaps she'd get in trouble...what if she was a single mother and she got fired and now can't take care of her kid all because she made an error? Yes...I have a vivid imagineation.  I returned the money and she looked at me like, "Really?  Are you for real?"  Yes, lady, I'm for real.  LOL  I was proud of myself that day...I was able to think about it and not feel bad, because I'd done the right thing.

But I was so upset now....why??? Why? Why didn't she ring up the boots...it has to be mistake...I look for the sku number of the boots to match anything on the receipt...Nada, nothing, zilch, niet! Damn.  Then Brenda said one word to me, while I was pensive...it shut up the little devil on my shoulder real quick: KARMA...In an instant I was sobered from my confusion....oh, hell no, nothing bad coming back to me anyday soon!  I walked right over.

"Excuse me, Miss, you never charged me for the boots." 
"Oh!  Wow! "
She was quiet.
Still quiet.
"Well, thank you so much for your honesty."
There was another woman standing behind me, shaking her head, most likely thinking, "You's a fool, sangana!!  You idiot...oh, hell  no, I'd be keeping that right there...feel bad, me?  No. Nah-ah!"
She rang it up..I sadly gave her the cash.  She thanked  me again...and gave me a $4 discount, lol.

As much as it hurt, because at the moment I was thinking..."not my fault if she didnt' notice...wow...free boots!"  But my spirit just wouldn't let me.  Believe me this blog would be a blog of shame if I didn't return them...anyway, I plan on wearing them on Saturday..with PRIDE!!! They really are HOT freaking boots!!!  So I ask you...what would you do?           

Navy Guy News!

Okay...here goes. If you don't know the story of Navy Guy, let me try to bring you up to speed in one paragraph.  (See blog from April 5th, if you think you need juicy details! LOL)  Girl meets Navy Guy who's only in town for weekend.  Girl kisses Navy Guy who takes her out every single day...Navy Guy says "I can't be in a relationship right now...".  Girl says, "I understand," and thinks it will be last time she ever sees him. BUT-then he comes back the next weekend & the time after that & his next vacation & sees her again for almost a week & even flew to Indiana to see her for one day during a show before he gets deployed to Middle East. Although, Navy Guy's actions say he really cares about girl, Navy Guy tells people they are just friends.  So before he leaves for deployment, girl tells Navy Guy they should just remain friends...he says, "Ok, I understand."  And that's the end of it...or so she thinks.  Recently Navy called her and told her something she'd not heard before...everyone's up-to-date now!

So, almost 3 weeks ago, Navy Guy called me.  You know how a man's voice can just completely draw you right back to the first time you met him??? Well, that's what happened.  I heard his voice.."Hey...Judy..." - that kind of masculine-testosterone-warm kind of voice...I almost melted a bit.  Okay.  So we begin to talk and I update him on how my life is going and how I cannot wait for my new song to come out, my sinus surgery, etc.  Once we got through the typical stuff, he accused me of "kicking him to the curb"...I explained I had not done that; I simply protected myself before I got hurt.  (Ladies, you know what I mean:  I didn't want to wait for a man who didn't love me enough.)

"I didn't kick you to the curb."
"You kicked me to the curb & I didn't even do anything wrong to you. I was good to you."
"Um, helloooo!  I was damned good to you too!!  And I did I OT kick you to the curb...you said you didn't want a relationship. You said you didn't want me to wait for you...If you don't name it, you can't claim it."
"What the hell are you talking about?  All I know is I always came to see you - I wasn't seeing anyone else, I kept drvivng 10-12 hours each way just to see you!  What the hell do you mean?"
"Well, if you wanted me, you should've said something.  If you want me to be your girl, you should've said something!"
Now the voices began to escalate...

"Are you serious?  Judy, you don't think you were my girl?  We went out for like 5 months!  I drove back and forth, we went out, we had a great time...of course you were my girl."

OH!
Oh!
o!
LOL..."Well you never said anything, and you gave me the impression you thought I was some kind of  "friend with benefits," and I'm not that at all.
"Man, you kicked  me to the curb. I STILL can't believe it!"
"I did not!!! Ughh!"
"Judy, if you were in front of me right now, you know what I'd say?"
"What?"
"I love you."

STOP
Hold on.
Did he just say what I think he said?
Okay, there it goes...yes, I'm breathing. Yes, I think he said it....

"Oh, so why didn't you say something before?"
"Did I HAVE to say something?  I thought I SHOWED it!"
"Yes, of course you have to say something!  I am a woman who wants to be shown love, but I have to hear it too!! I need both."
"Well, maybe I'm not that type of guy."
I know I was blushing.
"Well, I gotta go, Julie (He always called me Julie)."
"Ok..."
"Hey, I'll call you soon, ok?"
I hung up...completely dumbfounded and speechless.  And then, I cried a very quiet cry, the kind that only one tear falls, but it is more than enough.  Wow.  He told me he loves me....I hadn't heard a man tell me he loved me in almost 2 years! Felt good...I admit it.  The questions remain for me:  Did he say it because he meant it?  Or did he say it because he's lonely?  Did he have some sort of revelation & realize there was something solid there? Or Was he just tipsy?

So next day, when I asked him if he remembered saying he loved me (I suspected he may have been a bit tipsy when he'd called the night before), he suddenly cried amnesia.  And that's my point!

Today, he sent me a photo of him, from the battleship I believe. All in uniform.  Damn, he had to look good too??  He returns in July...wants to see me...wants to talk...wants to come to Beatstock, lol!!  The photo made me smile...I don't know if it's that I'm very lonely, or if there really is something solid between us!  I hate that feeling...I'll be 42 on Sunday.  I really would like a life partner...someone to open my eyes to in the morning.  Gotta admit, Navy Guy looked good, lol!  Ah, men!!!