ENJOYING THE "NOW"

Spent most of the day at the doctor's office, reviewing the results to my physical.  Good news:  Sugar, Cholesterol, Blood Pressure - Excellent! Vitamin/mineral levels - Excellent!  I admit I was SO relieved to hear that, especially knowinge that high blood pressure and diabetes run in my family. So as Dr. M continued the examination, she did see that, in spite of the medication I was given last week, my legs and ankles are still somewhat swollen.  She did all these strange things to me: pulling my shoulders up, moving my legs around, feeling my neck. Wait. She was feeling my neck too long.

"Hm, you know..." the doctor said, "the right side of your neck is larger than the left."
I looked at her face for more.
"And sometimes the swelling in the legs, especially in the shin area can mean thyroid issues. Although your thyroid results were good, I want to do an ultra sound just to be sure, make sure it's not a tumor."
I nodded in consent.  Yes, this is good...let's be thorough.  And then she did something some doctors never do.  She sat on her chair and moved it up to me.

"So, Judy. Tell me.  How are you?"
It was as if the flood gates opened.  Part of me was relieved and the other was scared to speak up. What the hell...let me get it out.
"Dr. M, I have not been well. I have been EXTREMELY fatigued lately. I wake up, and want to sleep. Sometimes I do go back to sleep, and the other morning I gave in and slept an additional three hours after already having had eight hours sleep.  I have trouble falling asleep."
"Well," chimed in Dr. M, "Do you have a lot on your mind?  How is your career?  How've you been feeling about your weight?"
"No.Yes. Yes, I have a lot on my mind. I am worried, but I'm not obsessed about it.  I don't know, to be honest, I just noticed that the last five days or so, I'm having crying spells...I start crying, and I can't stop...just telling you about them makes me feel like crying right now."
She shocked me:  "Here, here's a tissue...let it out! It's okay, really - go ahead and cry."
Ironically, I didn't - I just looked to her for answers.  She looked at my results again.

"Okay, let's test your hormones...let's do more bloodwork to check for arthritis, Epstein Barre Syndrome, Lupus...everything...let's help you. In the meantime, call your neurologist and get your brain and spine checked with MRI...let's rule out the physical symptoms before we approach the psychological." 

This is a good doctor.  The fact that she moved her chair up, and LISTENED to me was half the healing, lol.  Anyway, she encouraged me to find a therapist because she said it's good to have someone to listen to anyway. I left her office and immediately did all the testing...I continue to pray and have faith in God's goodness...and I know things will get better. 

And then I got a phone call...a phone call from a man in my past...20 years ago.  We'll call him Six.  Six and I met in Florida in the beginning of my career through a mutual friend in grammar school.  For three days we hung out, laughed, danced..and on the very last night he kissed me. On and off for the next two years or so we would hang out and make out and he would always try to seduce me. Yea, I said it - sorry, Mom. It wasn't that I wasn't curious; it wasn't that I wasn't crazy about him; it wasn't that I didn't care about him.  But . He was intimidating. One of those men who knows what he wants, and agressively pursues it.  I will say in spite of his feelings, he ALWAYS respected me.  I don't remember how we lost touch, or why we stopped speaking, but I never forgot his great, sea-like green eyes.

"Nena," (that's what he always called me.) would you like to come with me to the movies to see Conviction at the Director's Guild Theater, starring Hillary Swank and Minnie Driver?"
"Hey, stranger! Sure!"
A couple of hours later we met at Starbuck's to catch up. Six is a retired police officer and has been a professional actor for the last 10 years! I was so happy for him because it was always his life's dream and he was now doing it, and has been pretty successful too!  We discussed our lives, successful careers, and failed relationships.  And there was a moment, where I just looked at him and it came rushing back, and I suddenly remembered how intimidated I used to be in his presence. I was so young, naive and VERY shy.  He was always such a powerful man, and quite frankly, it was a turn on.  It was not his "power" per se, but his confidence that was sexy.  And, while I love bald men too, he has a GREAT head of hair on him still...no grey hair, just a little on the stubble on his chin.  Gorgeous green eyes, and the best eye contact that I can remember.  He is not pretentious in the least.

The movie was very very good, and I was so happy to be there. It was great to have that spontaneity in my world, even if just for a day. But, God, I needed this...I needed the company of a man, without worrying if he would expect or disrespect me...Six was my friend.  And after the movie, I invited him for a drink. We went to a very nice restaurant and ordered a couple of drinks, and it was there that I began to blush. I admit it, I am STILL attracted to him.  The best part of it all, is that neither one of us had to be on guard. It was comfortable. 

I shared with him my recent disappointments from Navy Guy suddenly disappearing, to Lobster's cameo appearances and phone calls, to the men who make dates just to stand me up, to the men who just want to have sex with me on the first date...and nothing else. Six listened, told me about his divorce and why his marriage failed, about the women who had come and gone, the turn on's and turn off's and he reminded me of the following:
"Judy, most of us suck! But you  remember I told you this - YOU, the woman, are ALWAYS in control. You decide what you want from us, and if they don't offer you what you want, forget them.  You take control...and you let them wonder for a change. Not the other way around.  You're a good woman, Judy...I always thought you were different...and we always had a connection."

Five minutes later, I began to remember what attracted me to him those 20 years ago, and why I had not taken things farther those 20 years ago - He makes me feel wanted, happy, like I can trust him, but there is always something there that tells me he is not the relationship type. Suddenly I realized he'd continued his lecture and I wasnt even listening:

"...deinitely am still attracted to you...still something there...but right now I'm really working on myself before..." Yep, I was right, lol...not the relationship type. Six did say something profound to me. And although I'd heard it before, and I've even said it to people before, I needed to hear it today.  "Judy, sometimes you have to quit worrying whether or not you'll be married, or have children, or you'll have that successful career.  It is here. It is now. All you have is the present...and if you can stop worrying for one second and appreciate all you have now, you will be happier.  And when that happens, the love you have been waiting for will pop right into your life."

It honestly calmed me to hear him remind me of that.  Damn...still cute.  I could kiss him right now.
"Judy?  You there? Why are you smiling?"
"Nah, nothing."
We got to his car. We talked for a bit as he dropped me off, and in an instant, grabbed me and kissed me.
"Yes, Judy...I am still find you extremely beautiful!"  Woooh.  Call the ambulance!!  Fire!! LOL....I walked away with a smile on my face, no questioning if he'll call me again or not, whether or not this will turn into something. In fact, I didn't even care that perhaps his speech was just a set up to provide him the opportunity to kiss me. I didn't care! Nope! Just...enjoying the NOW.