38,505 FRIENDS AIN'T BAD!..WAIT, DID YOU SAY BAD? BAD AUDITION

Come September, I will be back on the performance train, and I can't wait. In the meantime, I've been considering other things I can do to take my 25 year career and turn it into 50. So, last week, I met with my manager to talk about a strategy. I wanted him to know that in addition to performing all my hits on a regular basis, I also want to branch out into musical theater (which has always been a passion of mine since high school), acting in theater & television and possibly pursuing becoming a talk show host. For some reason, I really believe the talk show host thing could happen. I get a little tingle when I talk about it. I was sure that my manager, Gary, would be against it, and give me the whole stay-where-people-know-you speech. But when I mentioned it to him, he AGREED!! Wow. I couldn't believe it. As he began to tell me what his plan is (which is a pretty good one), he looked up my Facebook, and began to explain to me the importance of having more than 100,000 LIKES on Facebook for the industry & media to pay attention to you. He pointed out to me that I only had 38,505 likes, otherwise known as fans. I told him that every single one of the 38,505 fans is organic, REAL! Yes, my friends, you may not know it, but there are secret ways in the industry to get more likes in a more dishonest way. But I will NOT be a part of it. When I was in 8th grade, a boy I had a crush on, begged me to give him an answer during the test. To win his affections, I gave it to him...and I got caught. It was the first and last time I ever cheated. No sir, I won't do it again. So, I just need to find new & more exciting ways to gain new fans, keep the ones that are already there & get everyone talking...but I will not do something scandalous, lol..although I understand it can be interesting, lol.I like my 38,505 fans...they are real, they are wonderfully devoted & at the end of the day, they've got my back! And trust me, they have defended me & lifted me up when I was down. And at this moment today, I have 39,043 LIKES...and I enjoy it, and I'm proud of it. I was just recently in the Off Broadway show, My Big Gay Italian Wedding. I have been an extra in a movie with Edward James Olmos & Maria Conchita Alanso. I was also cast in a movie last year called Elliot Loves, where I play Aunt Nani, which by the way, has been receiving RAVE reviews in all the film festivals in Miami, San Francisco, Pennsylvania, Italy, and this month, August 17th, debuts in the New York International Latino Festival!! And that's awesome, but it's not enough. So last week, in accordance with my desire to explore the acting bug, I decided to go to H.O.L.A. - the Hispanic Organization for Latin Actors in NYC. I met with AB Lugo, and he went over my resume and concerns with me. Such a sweetheart! He explained what the organization is all about, and it sounded very wonderful and fair to me. As I was thanking him and saying goodbye, he asked me to follow him. "Before you go...come with me." Ok. Mr. Lugo introduces me to Veronica, the director for a new play called Black Latina. Veronica smiles, we shake hands. "Judy, do you have a resume?" "Yes." (Thank God, I brought extras with me that day) "Do you have a headshot?" "Here you go." "Do you have a monologue?" Darn. 2 out of three ain't bad? "No, I'm sorry. I do not." I suddenly realize how unprofessional that sounded. Mental note to self: work on finding a great monologue FAST! "That's ok....would you be available to audition now?" Ding, ding, ding! "Yes, sure!" I fill out some paperwork and I'm handed 2 monologues to read: one entitled Anger and the other, Empowerment. She said to me, "I'll be back to get you in a few minutes." As I read them to myself, I liked them both, but I related to the Anger one better. Now allow me to explain to you that when I originally was introduced to Tirandra, there were only two people in the room. I believed I was going back to that room to those two people as an audience. I was amazed that I didn't feel nervous. I'm ALWAYS nervous when I audition & still when I perform. But it felt right - it felt good. About 15 minutes later, a girl who I didn't see before, came up to me. "They're ready for you now." They? Who's they? As we're walking down the corridor, the young woman smiles and says, "I'm such a fan. I love your music." "Oh, thank you so much." She opens this door. Not the same door I'd exited before. And BAM!!! I felt like the girl from the movie, Flashdance. The room was HUGE! The ceilings were incredibly HIGH, you could hear the echo in my footsteps. As soon as I walked in, there must have been at least EIGHT people sitting in front of a long table, all with pens in their hands and polite smiles. And as soon as I realized this was REAL, my heart began to pump...It pumped so hard, I suddenly wanted to run. And there it is. There's my little friend, nervousness...I can always count on her to be with me when I DON'T WANT HER TO BE!! I asked if I could read from Anger, and I asked how they wanted it read - I could see it read two ways - one very proper and the other like the chicas in my neighborhood (think Rosie Perez - who I ADORE). Crystal, the playwright, explained the level of frustration the character feels...and I take a deep breath and remind myself, "You can do this...you've been in these situations before. You know who you are - you show them now." I began to read. "Why??? Why...." And I was outside my body. To my absolute horror, I saw my hand shaking...shaking like a person having withdrawals from drugs!! What!? My hand NEVER shakes...holy....crap. I'm reading, but even my reading is getting worse. My stomach has so many butterflies, I think the butterflies will actually come out of my mouth. I put the paper down and tell the truth like the bad contestants on American Idol: "I'm sorry...I'm really nervous." Veronica smiles & says, "Ok. Put the paper down and can you give us some improvisation? Just tell us in your own words how you feel about being a Black Latina. (A black latina is a woman who is of hispanic descent but she also has darker skin...many of us, including myself have African and Native Indigineous blood in our heritage...a fact that many won't admit) So I take a deep breath....just tell the truth. "Okay. Well, I find it interesting that people are always telling me how beautiful my skin tone is...how gorgeous of a tan I have. But I know that the media will cast a lighter skinned woman before a darker skinned one...the African American community has the same problem. I remember a few years ago, when the census went around, it asked us what our race was...there was white, black, Native American, etc...but no hispanic. How do I choose black or white, when I am both. Why do I have to CHOOSE to LABEL myself?! Truth is I am half Puerto Rican and half Cuban. My mom who's Puerto Rican, has light skin. My father, who's Cuban, is dark - African American dark...and look. This is how I came out: a perfect marriage of both! And then when I'm in the NY area and people ask me what I am, I say Puerto Rican - because I most likely receive a positive reaction..but when I go to Miami and I'm asked the same question, I need to say Cuban first. Ugh. What does it matter? I thought I was Latina? And what makes me laugh is that I am Puerto Rican and Cuban...while my poor boyfriend, the Quiet One, is Irish and Scottish. What's gonna happen if we decide to have children?? What are they going to check off on the census? Poor things! They laughed. Then I was asked if I can dance. Can I dance? Sure!!! I did the running man, the roger rabbit...I felt at that moment, I just wanted to lift the tension of my bad reading. I walked out of there with sore feet, a massive headache and an almost 2 hour drive home. I told the Quiet One how bad it was but how great it was at the same time. I felt I was back in the game again. The Quiet One comforted me, "Darling, I'm sure you weren't as bad as you say you were! You're Judy, F$%*ng Torres!" LOL. He always makes me feel better. Well, guess what? I got a phone call. I got the part!! What?! Our first production meeting is this Tuesday!! YES!!! Funny, how life works...love it!

THE AUDITION

July 19, 2010
Part 2 of 2:

I arrive at the office, bumping into the director in the elevator by accident. I was taken to the 6th floor. I was a little nervous, but I reminded myself how badly I wanted this, and it was imperative to maintain confidence, calm and show them the best "me" I could. We walk into the room -the director, Gary Terracino. the lead actor, Fabio Costabrado and me. First thing Terracino says, "You're beautiful...this is perfect, EXACTLY the look I'm looking for!!!" All I could think was, thank God...if he just knew what had been told to me. We began reading, and he was such a welcoming person with such a positive energy - he made it very calming for anyone who would be nervous. We had fun, and I thought that Aunt Carmen, the character I was reading for, was a combination of "Hilda", Ugly Betty's sister and Rosie Perez...so that's how I read her....but then Terracino said, "That's good...but Aunt Carmen is precise; she does everything with purpose.." Okay, I can do that...we read some more. Then he says, "Aunt Carmen is intimidating." Ooh, that's a toughie...we had been in there for an hour or so, and it had been years since I auditioned for anything.  It was hot! I was tired. Intimidating...hm, a quality I lack. I have been intimidating in the business, but only because of the name...not because of my personality.

I was quickly brought back to my college acting class at Lehman College in the Bronx, with Professor Bill. We did scenes, workshops, and sometimes improvisation...I was good at all of it. The only area that needed improvement was, excuse my language, was when I needed to be a "bitch,." Just didn't know how...I always got stuck with that.  I wasn't allowed to show anger as a kid, and spent a lot of my life intmidated by many. I was always stuck when I had to be the bad girl.

Once the director said the word, intimidating, I talked myself into thinking that I could do it. After all, I only had to recall certain relatives, who at this time shall remain nameless, lol.  I did my best. The more direction he gave me, the more convinced I felt. But then I began to forget...um, who do I look at again? How did you want me to deliver the line? I was overwhelmed...Terracino shook my hand and said, "I'll send you an email tomorrow and let you know what we decide." Damn.  That's where I thought I tanked.  I thanked them and before closing the door I said, "By the way, if you give me this role, I will work hard, take direction and will do even better!!!" Duh, Judy, why did you do that?? Ugh, it's just like the person who audtions on American Idol and says, "Can I sing another song? I'll do better.." Oh, my God.

I got into my car and began shaking...my hands, my legs. And then they came. The dam of tears fially broke, and the flood gates were opened!! I cried, then cried some more...then pulled over and cried. But what the hell was I crying about?? I don't mind crying with reason and intention, but when I cry like this, I feel very lost.  Was I so sleep deprived that I was overly sensitive? Was it that I wanted this role so bad, I was scared I'd messed up in the end, and wouldn't get it? Was it that I had suppressed the nervousness so much, it had to come out in another way? Was it that I pushed away my tears at the meeting with my manager? Was it that my brain kept hearing the echo of my manager's voice:  "What are we going to do about "this?"" "Was it that I felt incredibly alone with my emotions?" So I called my best friend & I cried...I almost couldn't even speak. He listened...never interrupting me. He just listened and told me to let it all out. Then he assured me that he knows I'm talented; he was disturbed and angry about what had been said to me about my weight. The beauty of a best friend like him is that he has NEVER seen my weight; he has only seen my heart! He sees ME! He knows who I am...and without him I would've drowned in my own tears that night. "Don't worry, Judy. Go home and rest. I love you...call me if you need me."

I went home, telling myself that I have to leave it in God's hands...told myself that whatever will be will be, and I told myself that I did my very best, and as long as I walked away knowing that, that was all that matters. I told myself that there is a reason for everything, and that if I did not get the part of Aunt Carmen, Aunt Carmen taught me a valuable lesson today - I gotta learn to be a little more aggressive when necesssary. Then I prayed, "Thank you, God, for this UNBELIEVEABLE opportunity brought to me today! I am amazed at all YOU have done for me and I give you praise, honor and glory!...I know that I tend to talk to you more when I need you than when I don't, but I need You, for real!! LOL...I'm sorry...You know how much this means to me. I want this SO bad! Please, please, please, if it is Your will, please reach into their hearts and help them believe in me enough to give me that chance. I leave it in Your hands now and I thank You again!...In Jesus' name...amen." There. That should do it.

That's what you call faith. Isn't it?  Believing in what you cannot see?  There is a scripture in the Bible that says, "If you have faith as little as a mustard seed...it shall be given to you." Or something like that...sorry not good on the Bible quotes all the time. Have you seen a mustard seed? It is VERY, VERY tiny. So I leave it in His hands...believe you already have it, Judy. Trust.

Hm, lol...and then I couldn't sleep!! Too freaking worried and anxious...I just wanted it so bad....so much for having mustard seed faith.