Monday, June 28, 2010
It was my birthday...it was 3:00pm...I mean 3:30...nope, 4:00pm...I refused to budge. What if while I went back upstairs and he came by and thought I'd left? That would be horrible. It was a time when my father was forbidden to call my house (long story, will share on another future blog). It was a time when there were no cell phones. So I was frozen there...and I was very wet...It was 6pm when I gave up. I was crying but no one could tell because the rain had camouflaged the tears for me. Happy Birthday to me. I told my mom he'd taken me out, and made me a birthday cake and sang happy birthday to me. It was the first time in a long time...it had happened before, but this was my birthday. My father stood me up.
Fast forward to my early 20's. I had a date with Vadim...a fantastic looking Russian man who had pursued me for quite some time. I'd admired him from afar and when he asked me out, I was thrilled. We'd spoken on the phone for a whole week every single day. Then the day of the date arrived, and he asked me, "Are you ready for a great evening? I can't wait to see you...FINALLY." The time had come. He called, he said he was outside. I couldn't get downstairs fast enough. There I was all dressed up. But he wasn't there. Never showed up. Two days later, I found out he'd made a bet with his friend that he could get me to go out with him and he'd stand me up. Little did I know his friend and him were down the street having a good laugh.
Fast forward to my early 30's. One of my exes I'd dated for a year or so. It was Valentine's Day - and my ex, will call him, Judas..lol. My ex planned to pick me up at 7pm. I bought a dress - a gift for him and his daughter from his previous marriage. I did my nails, hair, etc. 7pm came, but no word from him. Something in my gut said something wasn't right...so I drove an hour and a half to his home, where his mother answered the door. "Oh, Judy! What are you doing here? Judas said he was with you!" Huh? I called him, no lie, 17 times. And on the 17 try, Judas picked up.
"What!" he screamed!
"Judas, where the hell are you? You said you''d come get me at 7! What is going on?"
"Judy, I told you once and I'll tell you again...I've been telling you for three months now, I'm in love with Jahaida and you won't leave me alone."
I was stood up again, and I was betrayed beyond my wildest dreams. I literally thought of driving my car into a wall that night...so many times...I fantasized it. I wanted to just die! My mother saved my life that day by staying on the phone with me while I drove two and a half hours to her house. Mom made me coffee and held me while I cried in her arms...until I fell asleep.
Fast forward to today. I'd met a man in the city...older man 37...I say older because lately it's the 20 somethings that have been asking me out, lol. We'll call him.. Jay. We've chatted intermittently for almost a month now, nothing really serious, but I was happy when he called me two days ago asking me out for drinks. He's handsome, employed, and very funny...and from the South, which I thought was intriguing in a strange way. Jay and I agreed to meet at a bar...he texted me the address. It was agreed...we'd meet at 8pm. He called me at 7:30 to ask if I was on my way..and he reconfirmed. Good.
I took a shower, did the hair, makeup, perfume etc...you know how we do it, ladies. I drove into the city, and couldn't find the place. Hm, strange. I called him. "Jay, I'm on West 4th, but I can't find the bar. Please call me." I sent a text just in case. Then I called a friend...
"Hi, my friend! (That's what my friends and me call each other, lol) Do you know where such and such a place is?"
He looked it up for me on the internet...used search engines...
"Nothing, my friend...I don't know."
So I drove around and around...I waited until 8:30.
I was stood up AGAIN! UGH! DAMN! F...no, I won't go there. So there I was 2 blocks away from the tunnel when Jay called me. I pull over.
"Hello." (with a pissed off-girl-from-the-Bronx-Puerto-Rican-Rosie-Perez-Attitude)
"Yea, where are you? The place wasn't even listed."
"I had a table for us...that damned AT&T."
"Um, did you not think of calling me? Didn;'t you see my text or hear my message?"
"Well I just got your text now. I was waiting, but I'm at the subway now on my way home...maybe we can try to do this tomorrow"
NO! I don't think so! Helloooooooo!!!! A gentleman would be worried when his date didn't show up on time. A gentleman would call to check up on me and ask if I was okay. A gentleman would make an effort to FIX IT!!! and offer to see me right then and there..especially if he's from the South. We hear so much about Southern Hospitality, blah, blah, blah...he must be from the South Side of YOU SUCK!!!!
Gentlemen, I beseech you...PLEASE, consider that when you stand a woman up, it is not only disrespectful, but you have no idea what her past is like. For me, being stood up is TRAUMATIZING..I feel like that 9 year old left waiting in the rain again.
I think I shall be like Queen Elizabeth. She was so tired of being let down by love...tired of betrayal, tired of being denied true love, that she vowed she would never marry. She is often remembered quoting that she is married to her country. Perhaps I will resign to be only married to my career...that's that. Done. My middle name, by the way is Elizabeth. Next time some jerk stands me up, this queen shall use the famous quote:
"Off with his head!" Y ya!!!
Friday, June 25, 2010
You know that saying, "No good deed goes unpunished?" Well today my good intentions were punished again. I just got on the parkway, and noticed traffic was so backed up. Hm, I wondered...wonder what's up? Next thing I know there's an officer signaling me to pull over. I knew instantly I was done.
"License and registration, ma'am."
I hand him my license.
I hand it to him too.
"You have an expired inspection sticker."
"Yes. I know. I just came from the dealership getting repairs done. I know you hear this all the time..."
I told myself to shut up; that it would only fall on deaf ears, but I kept it up.
"But I was going to get it inspected today. That's why I got the repairs...I even have the receipt so you can see the work...even replaced all four tires, etc."
The officer looked at my tires.
"I'll be right back."
And that's when you pray.
Dear God, You KNOW I was going to bring it in. PLEASE, let him spare me. I promise once I leave Mom's I'll do it....please, please.please."
My prayer was interrupted.
"Here's your paperwork..Here's your ticket."
And then he dealt me a final blow: in an arrogant, sarcastic tone he delivers his exit statement:
"Judy Torres, huh? Judy Torres is a big name!"
Ok...is that a trick statement? Do I acknowledge that I am Judy Torres, you know, freestyle singer, radio personality? Do I offer some sort of bargain: I'll give you a shout out? LOL...I think that would be ridiculous. Please note: I NEVER throw my name around, unless I am instructed to because I'm on a guest list. I even wait on lines when I go to clubs. I know you don't believe it, but unless someone from the club recognizes me and brings me in, I do not jump the line. In conclusion, I didn't throw my name around, why is he? So what intelligent thing do I say to the officer?
"Just because my name is big it doesn't make me any less guilty, Sir."
DUH!!! DUH!! DUH!!!
I drove away with a yellow ticket that looked as if it had been stored for 10 years...and then it came. The tears. I cried....I drove away telling myself it wasn't a big deal...but I HATE getting into trouble. My inner child is such a freaking goody-two-shoes, I can't stand it sometimes. And then, to add more humor to it, with my blue tooth in my ear. I called my mommy!! LOL! And I cried more. And then I realized the truth of my crying: I AM VERY TIRED!!
I am sleep deprived!
I am tired!
I am worried about my new single; whether or not it will get on the radio!
I am worried about my mom's health!
I am worried that I can't keep up with my own life!
I am tired of feeling pulled in 5 different directions at the same time!
I am overwhelmed that I can't keep up!
I am tired of my same surroundings!
I am HOR...I mean I'm frisky!! (Ooh, did I think that out loud?)
Okay, I'll stop now. Too much information - sorry! But when the tears dried up, I came home and told myself one day at a time, one moment at a time, and I can only do what I can do as long as I do my best at it all. I packed my bag for Miami tomorrow and tomorrow night I'll be back onstage, leaving people the impression that I have a glamorous and perfect life. When in reality, I got a freaking ticket!!! LOL ...goodnight, my followers! Sweet dreams!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Woke up on my birthday EXHAUSTED...performed with the band, Mirage, the night before, and really sang my butt off, and my energy off too! I woke up to find so many texts on my cell phone.
The first one 7:39am - from the ex...this is the ex I thought was going to marry me; the one who was by my side when I first was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis; the one who deep down I know lied to me about something, but to this day have no idea what. He is the one who I truly loved & in my soul, he was a true love. I connected with him. I allowed him completely into my life...I let my guard down...all the way. He is the ex who in the end, his actions did not reflect what he'd said to me, and I had to make a hard decision to leave. His text: "Happy Birthday, Judy. I hope all your dreams come true. I love you, I miss you...I try to move forward but I can sense you right next to me...no one lives up to your standards.
Why??? Why did he do that? I've spent almost 2 years trying to get over him, and in my ways I am...but when he mentions he loves me, it literally sucks me right back to the laughter, the good times, the love and simultaneously...the anger, the confusion, and especially, the heartache. Funny, just a few months ago, he asked me if I was serious with anyone (he is aware of Navy Guy and not happy about it)...I told him that Navy Guy is up in the air, that we are still in touch, but no, I'm not serious with anyone. He then invited me to dinner...and like a gullible creature, I conceded, and I didn't hear from him until 6 weeks later!!! Ugh-same old...um, crap!!
Chicago Chico texted me...Oh, yes, I haven't updated you about him...he's the one who kissed me FANTASTICALLY in Chicago. He wished me a happy birthday. Here's the update...nothing. LOL. From time to time, he will text and as soon as we begin to talk about possibly seeing each other, he somewhat backs off, reminding me he can't get serious...what the hell is wrong with these guys? Hellooooo! If you don't want to get serious, don't even bother talking to me, ugh! LOL...He really is a sweet guy...from our conversations, I think he's intimidated to be honest. He seems to bring up that he's saving money. I think he has this preconceived notion that I am a busy jet-setter, meeting men everywhere I go, living a rich and affluent lifestyle, looking out for men with furs, cars and bling, when in fact it I live so modestly it's not even funny. I am not materialistic high-maintenance, but I admit I am emotionally high maintenance...I want romance, I want to be courted, I want compliments. I want to feel like the only woman in the room when I'm with him. And....okay, this is probably too much information..but...mind-blowing sex that leaves me dizzy wouldnt' be so bad either!!!
Navy Guy had called & I'd missed his message. I dial my voicemail.
Singing: "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you...dear, Julie....(laughter) Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, sweetheart!" Hm, wow...he never called me sweetheart before. I did receive a card from him soon after my birthday. It read: Judy, I couldn't resist this card...was way too funny. I hpe you have a great birthday. Sorry I couldn't be there to celebrate...Love ya, Navy Guy." Did he say, Love ya? What does that mean? I know when I talk to my friends and when I email my fans I always write, "Love ya." I mean it..I love the person...and at the same time, I do it in a playful, and friendly way. So is his, "love ya" in a friendly way? Or does he love me, but is afraid to say the "you"? Or do I just freaking over-analyze EVERYTHING?
Then I went online & checked my facebook page, both personal and fan page...W-O-W!!! Oh, my God...I COULD NOT KEEP UP WITH THE WELL WISHES!!! I thanked every single person and at one point, I lost it. I just took my hands off the keyboard and literally cried. I was so moved and overwhelmed by that feeling of pure love...I am truly blessed to have so many people care that much...some people that have never even met me, but they took a moment to wish me well! I was just deeply touched.
I sort of wished i didn't have to go to work that day, but I did. And that was okay. At the end of my shift, July, my ex-producer and my friends showed up with homemade cake and sang happy birtthday to me. We then went to one of my favorite places to eat in the city: Caliente Cab Company! I love their guacamole and margaritas!! They even sang happy birthday to me and, gave me a HUGE sombrero to wear!!!
When I got home, I got that feeling again. It's a feeling that is so creepy...it creeps up and me and makes me feel profoundly lonely. Yep....there I was again wondering if someone will come into my life...no. Not that someone, but THE one! LOL. I cried for a moment. Is this it? Will I be coming home alone for the rest of my life?? But then I thought about it- - -
I have the best life! I am well in spite of having multiple sclerosis. I am in good health. I am employed. I have a family who adores me. I have the BEST friends! I have the career of my dreams! I have the GREATEST fans! I am loved...and that literally wipes out the creepy lonely feeling! Happy 42nd Birthday...to me!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Last year, I was reflecting back on my life, and made a very impulsive decision to treat myself to something on my birthday. So, I looked at my vision board. Vision boards are boards that you create, filling it with pictures and things of dreams you have for your life. The idea is that you draw them to you via the Law of Attraction, something I truly believe in. I made this board almost two years ago, and looked at it...on my board are things like Grammy Awards, a home of my dreams, a new car, a woman with a great body and all sorts of places I dream of visiting, including Italy, Spain, Ireland, Alaska (yea, Alaska!) and Sedona, Arizona - otherwise known as Red Rock Country. Because the mountains and landscape are so rich in iron, they are red in color, with the intensity of red like bricks! Everytime I looked at the picture on my board, I thought to myself: there's no way in the world something so beautiful could be here.
I got tired of dreaming and wondering...so a couple of weeks before my birthday, I looked on the internet, bravely booked a flight to Phoenix, reserved a rental car...and days before my 41st birthday, I took myself on a three day vacation. BY MYSELF!!! I knew the second I clicked "book flight" it was the right thing. Three days before my birthday, there I was on a flight to Phoenix...I was seated in the middle and the man to my left and woman to my right told me all about Sedona and what to do, where to go.
I landed in Phoenix - 95 degrees! Woohoo...rented a gorgeous car, in red of course, and drove an hour and a half from Phoenix to Sedona. Thanks to my GPS, it was so easy. The weather was truly gorgeous..no humidity and the sun just shining. The speed limit on the highway was 75mph! Yes!! I put my ipod in the car, and played the soundtrack to Slumdog Millionaire - the song, Jai Ho...my favorite. It means Victory!!! I went up the mountains, and the view was incredible. I sang, I thought about how just a few hours ago, I was in New Jersey...lol. Oh hour and 25 min later, I was wondering where this Red Rock place was...I was sad I hadn't seen it. And just as I was thinking it was not existent, I saw it. Turned the corner...RED ROCKS, no - RED MOUNTAINS! Everywhere!! It was beautiful. I wanted to pull over, but there were signs everywhere stating, pulling over not allowed. Guess I wasn't the first person.
In those 3 days, I went to the BEST restaurant in my lifetime, took a hiking trip with a medicine woman, saw hawks, went hiking, saw a church that will bring tears to anyone's eyes, bought lots of Native American stuff (my favorite things next to angels), went for a spiritual reading, even went karaoke singing (I know, you think it's cheating but I sang "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood & "Falling by Alicia Keys", and never wanted to come home.
When I returned on my birthday, my mother threw me an intimate party with my family and that evening, my friends mustered up the courage to take me to a country western bar, Colorado Cafe, and tood me line dancing...even rode a mechanical bull! It was truly the BEST! Why? Because I didn't cry, "poor me, no one will take me anywhere..." I took charge and was daring. Also because I tried something new, and when I tell you we laughed so hard we cried, it was all worth it. I got on that mechanical bull first...and I was so proud of myself. It gave me a sense of courage and I don't regret it at all.
So this Sunday is my birthday...I have to work so I am a bit limited to what I can do...but I will make my birthday the day I have a bit more free time, lol. This year, I think I want to go on a hot air balloon ride OR make out with a man with an English accent !!!! Okay, okay, I'll do the hot air balloon ride! I notice I am happiest when I am a little daring, not stupid, just daring. So if you have any ideas, let me know...'cause to be honest, I am a little sad about turning 42. Nothing wrong with it, and I surely dont' feel old, but my God, everyone in this busineess, seems to think so. Ladies, Gentlemen, here's to not being afraid of trying something different. Here's to trying something new!! Screw 42!! LOL
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
So, almost 3 weeks ago, Navy Guy called me. You know how a man's voice can just completely draw you right back to the first time you met him??? Well, that's what happened. I heard his voice.."Hey...Judy..." - that kind of masculine-testosterone-warm kind of voice...I almost melted a bit. Okay. So we begin to talk and I update him on how my life is going and how I cannot wait for my new song to come out, my sinus surgery, etc. Once we got through the typical stuff, he accused me of "kicking him to the curb"...I explained I had not done that; I simply protected myself before I got hurt. (Ladies, you know what I mean: I didn't want to wait for a man who didn't love me enough.)
"I didn't kick you to the curb."
"You kicked me to the curb & I didn't even do anything wrong to you. I was good to you."
"Um, helloooo! I was damned good to you too!! And I did I OT kick you to the curb...you said you didn't want a relationship. You said you didn't want me to wait for you...If you don't name it, you can't claim it."
"What the hell are you talking about? All I know is I always came to see you - I wasn't seeing anyone else, I kept drvivng 10-12 hours each way just to see you! What the hell do you mean?"
"Well, if you wanted me, you should've said something. If you want me to be your girl, you should've said something!"
Now the voices began to escalate...
"Are you serious? Judy, you don't think you were my girl? We went out for like 5 months! I drove back and forth, we went out, we had a great time...of course you were my girl."
LOL..."Well you never said anything, and you gave me the impression you thought I was some kind of "friend with benefits," and I'm not that at all.
"Man, you kicked me to the curb. I STILL can't believe it!"
"I did not!!! Ughh!"
"Judy, if you were in front of me right now, you know what I'd say?"
"I love you."
Did he just say what I think he said?
Okay, there it goes...yes, I'm breathing. Yes, I think he said it....
"Oh, so why didn't you say something before?"
"Did I HAVE to say something? I thought I SHOWED it!"
"Yes, of course you have to say something! I am a woman who wants to be shown love, but I have to hear it too!! I need both."
"Well, maybe I'm not that type of guy."
I know I was blushing.
"Well, I gotta go, Julie (He always called me Julie)."
"Hey, I'll call you soon, ok?"
I hung up...completely dumbfounded and speechless. And then, I cried a very quiet cry, the kind that only one tear falls, but it is more than enough. Wow. He told me he loves me....I hadn't heard a man tell me he loved me in almost 2 years! Felt good...I admit it. The questions remain for me: Did he say it because he meant it? Or did he say it because he's lonely? Did he have some sort of revelation & realize there was something solid there? Or Was he just tipsy?
So next day, when I asked him if he remembered saying he loved me (I suspected he may have been a bit tipsy when he'd called the night before), he suddenly cried amnesia. And that's my point!
Today, he sent me a photo of him, from the battleship I believe. All in uniform. Damn, he had to look good too?? He returns in July...wants to see me...wants to talk...wants to come to Beatstock, lol!! The photo made me smile...I don't know if it's that I'm very lonely, or if there really is something solid between us! I hate that feeling...I'll be 42 on Sunday. I really would like a life partner...someone to open my eyes to in the morning. Gotta admit, Navy Guy looked good, lol! Ah, men!!!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
It is an incredible feeling to be onstage and hear the applause...it is very validating...think about it. Some people have jobs and are never even thanked or shown appreciation. But when I sing, the feedback is instant. I'm told, "Good job...I get hugs and I can feel the love, and go home feeling appreciated for my work. It is quite awesome and humbling...and then once in a blue moon, there are times when it has its challenges.
One of the challenges I must confront is the idea of wondering whether someone is around me, or is my friend not because of Judy, but because of Judy Torres. I can usually tell when a guy (or should I say boy, lol) is just trying to date me because of the perks of knowing me or because they are my boyfriend. I never really thought about it, but I guess there are perks: free admission to venues, guest lists, backstage passes, free trips, hotels, etc. And I have to admit I have fallen victim of not seeing that sooner at least once in my life. But I'm older now, and my senses are quite keen. In fact, I can smell a man's snake skin just "using" me a mile away. But it never occurred to me that it would be someone I thought to be a friend.
Today, a part of my spirit is truly injured in a way I thought not possible. It is interesting when someone is part of my life for so long and I include them in all your important life events...and then one day, little by little I notice they only see me when there's a show, or when there's a concert...and I begin to wonder....hmmm. Suddenly, I notice that there are no more shopping trips, no more movie-going, or outings to restaurants...there are only shows and requests for the perks. And the one day I say, "I'm sorry, I don't have any more tix, or I say, why not see me when there's no show...can we just hang out " - that is the day I am told I am not a friend. Wow. Oh. Hm.
Today I am rendered speechless. Today is a day I wonder, if I wasn't Judy Torres...would I still be so cool? Would certain people be around me if I lost my position on the radio, or if I had no more music to sing? Who am I then, if I'm not Judy Torres...? That is what scares me? Is my personality enough? Knowing that I am a plus sized woman, is it possible that men made an exception and dated me because I was Judy Torres. Would a man want to be with me, love me, if I wasn't the Queen of Freestyle? Whoa...I swear it scares me as much as it makes me want to cry.
Not trying to cause drama.
But today I feel very human...no super powers...
Today, I'm bleeding a little.
Just needed to share it.
Who am I, if I'm not Judy Torres?