Woke up happy. I'm feeling quite positive today. I realized today is Ash Wednesday. Although I am no longer Catholic, I am still a Christian - and I still enjoy honoring Lent. I think it is a noble act to give up something you love for 40 days in honor of Jesus' sacrifice for us. Lent gives me a BIGGER reason to get rid of a couple of bad habits. So for the next 40 days, I will give up soda and candy...Wait, maybe just soda...no, candy...no...wait. Ugh, okay I'll give up both. I bet I'd lose weight just from those two things alone, lol. I had given up soda for a while, and slowly began to creep it back into my diet. After all, how can you go to the movies and not have soda??
I went to Manhattan to record a song I co-wrote with an award-winning writer who's wrtiten for Taylor Dayne, Clay Aiken and more! I have to say I enjoy writing songs - it is another outlet to express my feelings, for which during my childhood I was either not allowed to, or to afraid to. I never realized I have so much to talk about & now no one can shut me up! Ha, ha! The night I sang at Madison Square Garden, just before I went on, I was forewarned,"Now remember, Judy, NO talking!!" LOL..yeah ok, like here I am at the world's most famous arena, and I'm not gonna say anything??? Like we say in the Bronx, "Aha...yeah, righ!" The great thing about this writer is that I feel he gets me. He understands I want to write about something substantial; something that has a message. Booty shaking songs are great, don't get me wrong, but I want to be remembered...not for shaking what my mama gave me, but for being inspiring. Don't know what will happen with the song...I must have 20 or so songs at home that literally just hang out in my wall unit, wishing for some attention. But that is the game of the music business...one or two people decide if millions of people will ever listen to your material. That is fine with me, I love being here...and I'll keep writing until someone says, "...and the grammy goes to...Judy Torres!!!" YES! YES! YES! Thank you...thank you....lol.
I just had a morbid thought...ok, I'll share. If I died, God forbid, will those songs in my wall unit suddenly come to life? I know, I know...it's a horrible thought, but it popped into my head, what can I say? Am I the only one that has strange and taboo thoughts like that? God, forgive me for that...ok, I'm back.
Tomorrow I get the MRI for my hip and I see the lap band surgeon...hope I don't cry. At least I'm slowly getting back on track.
Showing posts with label Dr. Bilof. lap band. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dr. Bilof. lap band. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I CANNOT CHANGE WHAT I DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE
There are three things I am concerned about recently: my health, my career and my love life. Today I began to tackle health for without health, truly living life is so much more difficult. It all started after I watched an episode of Ruby on TiVo. Ruby is a reality show about a woman from Atlanta honestly facing the challenge of losing weight without surgery. Long story short, she was in a group setting where they were discussing being in "denial" about being addicted to food. Don't know what it was, but something in me triggered, and since then I can't stop thinking about it. I totally can relate.
It's no secret that throughout my life, I've struggled with losing weight. I did everything, every diet...I was even an aerobics instructor for 4 years, and a pretty damned good one too. However, something happens and i gain it back. I've been a size 22, and a size 14. And for many years remained between a 16 & 18, which I still am today. Last year I lost 63 pounds through lap band surgery and hiring a personal trainer. I worked out like a fiend, six days a week of cardio and weight training - and LOVED it. It felt great to buy clothes and feel like they looked good. I was THIS close to buying regular sized clothing...I was weighing 204 or so, and then something happened.
I got scared. Scared that people won't like the "new" me, scared that I might fail, scared of possible sagging skin, and honestly something inside me was coming up. Some emotional pain was pushing through my body. As the pounds were shedding, the layers of emotional pain came up, and I suddenly felt I was always on the verge of tears - EVERY SINGLE DAY! I dealt with them, but there is something. Don't know. I can't help but shake that there is something I'm afraid of, and the weight was covering that for me like a warm blanket...or a band-aid on a wound.
I emailed my surgeon, Dr. Bilof, and painfully admitted I needed help. I admitted that through the stresses in my life, and being unable to work out since the summer due to hip pain, I had gained some of it back. I cried the entire time I typed the email. God, I feel so stupid! But I had to tell the truth. Like, Dr. Phil says, "You cannot change what you do not acknowledge." So I have to start with the truth. I told him I was embarrassed and needed help. He wrote me back IMMEDIATELY. Told me not to be embarrassed, just to come in.
I feel a little relief, but I am terrified. I think I have to find out what's been holding me back, holding me down for so long. So, I made an appointment for an MRI for my hip to find out what the problem is. I made an appointment with the bariatric surgeon to talk to him, and most likely get the band tightened...not looking forward to the week of liquids, lol..but I have to start somewhere. But all that is the physical part..what do I do with the emotional part. Ooh, something just occurred to me....is it possible I'm addicted to food, sugar? Hmm.
It's no secret that throughout my life, I've struggled with losing weight. I did everything, every diet...I was even an aerobics instructor for 4 years, and a pretty damned good one too. However, something happens and i gain it back. I've been a size 22, and a size 14. And for many years remained between a 16 & 18, which I still am today. Last year I lost 63 pounds through lap band surgery and hiring a personal trainer. I worked out like a fiend, six days a week of cardio and weight training - and LOVED it. It felt great to buy clothes and feel like they looked good. I was THIS close to buying regular sized clothing...I was weighing 204 or so, and then something happened.
I got scared. Scared that people won't like the "new" me, scared that I might fail, scared of possible sagging skin, and honestly something inside me was coming up. Some emotional pain was pushing through my body. As the pounds were shedding, the layers of emotional pain came up, and I suddenly felt I was always on the verge of tears - EVERY SINGLE DAY! I dealt with them, but there is something. Don't know. I can't help but shake that there is something I'm afraid of, and the weight was covering that for me like a warm blanket...or a band-aid on a wound.
I emailed my surgeon, Dr. Bilof, and painfully admitted I needed help. I admitted that through the stresses in my life, and being unable to work out since the summer due to hip pain, I had gained some of it back. I cried the entire time I typed the email. God, I feel so stupid! But I had to tell the truth. Like, Dr. Phil says, "You cannot change what you do not acknowledge." So I have to start with the truth. I told him I was embarrassed and needed help. He wrote me back IMMEDIATELY. Told me not to be embarrassed, just to come in.
I feel a little relief, but I am terrified. I think I have to find out what's been holding me back, holding me down for so long. So, I made an appointment for an MRI for my hip to find out what the problem is. I made an appointment with the bariatric surgeon to talk to him, and most likely get the band tightened...not looking forward to the week of liquids, lol..but I have to start somewhere. But all that is the physical part..what do I do with the emotional part. Ooh, something just occurred to me....is it possible I'm addicted to food, sugar? Hmm.
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