I LOVE ELLIOT LOVES & ELLIOT LOVES ME!!!

The cast of Elliot Loves (I'm on the right - yippee!) Thursday, August 16th - 5:30pm Today was the day of the NYC premiere screening for Elliot Loves. I was SO excited to finally see this film. I was cast in it last year, and I have been quickly educated in the LONG amount of time it takes for an independent film to come to fruition. I was finally going to see it! I arrived at the NY International Latino Film Festival in Washington Heights - or as we say in Spanish "Gwash-eeng-tong Highz"!!! I didn't know what to expect, and I didn't even know how to dress. When I texted the director, Gary Terracino, I asked how should I dress. He texted back, "Something nice." Wow, lol, no clarification there. So when in doubt, ladies, wear a dress. My best friend, Brenda, came with me...she knows how much this meant to me. And as soon as I parked my car, Terracino grabbed me so I could go on the red carpet and do interviews. Oh. Okay. I didn't know I was doing that. I had a very small part, so I didn't think I would be needed. The first thing the photographers asked me to do was take off my jacket. Huh? Why? I had on a very colorful long summer dress, with a cool necklace, paired with an orange jacket & small gold buttons. I HAD to be the most colorful girl there, lol...everyone else seemed to be in NYC appropriate night evening black. I couldn't, didn't want to remove my jacket. Know why? Shhh...come closer so I can whisper in your ear. Ready? The straps to the dress were too big & kept falling over. There was no time to change dresses or go back home so I kept it real & held them in the back with safety pins! LOL LOL LOL. Two things: #1 I didn't need them to see my cute silver safety pins and #2 no one needed to see my chichos. Chichos = love handles. So I kindly declined & one of the photographers heard me say they didn't need to see my chichos and he laughed out loud. It was a LOT of fun to stand there & here people say, "Judy, this way, please." It was also a lot of fun to be interviewed because you could feel the excitement in the air. One of the interviewers forgot my name, which I LOVED...it was hilarious! And because I've interviewed people on the radio - I know how hard it is to remember so much information so quickly. So I answered her questions and did what I could so she could feel comfortable. I figure if people really liked the interview they'll put two and two together. But by far, the best part was watching Terracino...He is a handsome, intelligent and extremely artistic man. He has all the makings of a fine filmmaker. One who, one day, I hope receives an academy award for best film one day! 7:35pm LATINO TIME -The movie was supposed to begin at 7pm. And I laughed inside because after all it was Dominican Night in NYC, the film was directed by a Dominican Latino, sponsored by HBO & Heineken...I just wasn't surprised they were running late. I discovered during the announcements that Elliot Loves took more than 4 years to come to life. The movie had been financially backed 4 times - and 4 times the businesses had gone out of business. And it was then I learned how DETERMINED Terracino and the producers had to be. I also recalled that while we were filming last year,they were asking for donations, etc...and I donated $1000. I also recalled that I was being paid only $100 for the day I filmed...and I didn't care. I just wanted to be part of it all. I wanted the experience, I loved the script, I loved the people and I wanted to know what being on set felt like. To this day, I have not been paid. No one knows...well, now they do, lol...but I don't want to be paid. Being in the film was a gift to me. To me, they did ME a favor, not vice-versa. So the movie began, and I was immediately drawn in. It was the first time I saw a "gay" movie. In other words, the movie is about a boy named Elliot who happens to be gay. And while I see many reality shows with a gay character, I have never seen a movie where central character is gay - well at least, not since the movie Philadelphia. I remember the director, Terracino, telling the cast how he was "almost done with editing." But watching it all edited was a different story. I found myself relaxed and enthralled in it. I was laughing, I was FEELING, and surprisingly, at the end, I couldn't stop crying...but I'll tell you about that in a minute. I was waiting to see where in the movie I was coming in. I noticed the scene had begun, and I nudged Brenda's knee, like 'This is it!' I was sitting next to Javier Rosa, the film's make-up artist, and his mother...they nudged me too. I was smiling. Oh! Wow! That's ME! HUGE! LOL...that's me on film...holy crap! The scene is a funny one and people were laughing out loud. And it felt damned good! I said one line and people laughed...I was glad. I only had three lines in the film...but who the hell cares!! LOL LOL. Oh, it was such a validation to feel the joy of knowing I can make people laugh & smile! The movie goes back and forth between Elliot as a boy, and Elliot as a young man...and it goes back and forth between Elliot's flawed & dysfunctional relationship with his mother and how it affects his relationships in his search for love. The movie exceeded my expectations. It had REAL heart. It told a REAL story about what we all want: to laugh in life, to be noticed, to be validated, to be accepted and to be LOVED!! When the movie was over, I found myself overwhelmed with emotion. I was crying. Brenda was crying. We were all crying...even the Heineken and HBO people were crying. And when I got to my car & began the ride home with Brenda, I was STILL crying. And Brenda so eloquently understood my tears without my saying a word. "Did you see that, my friend? Look, you played Madison Square Garden and now this! Did you ever think you would be in a movie? Chica, you have done AMAZING things in your life!! Don't you feel good?" As I tried to speak through my tears, I replied, "Chica, I can't even speak! I mean, I knew the movie would be good but WOW! And to see my big face on the big screen, hahaha, it was an incredible feeling! And it just makes me want to do more! It's not that I'm not grateful, it just makes me realize that I want to do much, much more with my life! And to see my name on the credits!!!! Oh. My. God. How freaking awesome is that? Not only was my name on the credits, but I saw the credit that gave me the most pride: Judy Torres, Associate Producer!!" Yes, that's right. I am an associate producer among many - but it was because I believed in the project, so I donated some funds - and so did SO many others! LOL. And it was a proud moment for me...not just being in the film but knowing that I invested in a movie that had substance - a film that meant something - that had life lessons intrinsic in its story!! I heard through the grapevine that HBO may be looking at the movie. I also understand that the film is being released in New York City for full viewing in October, AND will be released on Amazon.com as well in October! Elliot Loves represents the pure heart & desire for love, represents commitment & determination when people say no...you say YES! Elliot's motto in the film is "Keep it Cute, Papi!!" I really LOVE Elliot Loves!! And I hope you do too - in your life, keep it cute! Check out the trailer http://vimeo.com/38051803

UNWANTED GUILT- MUCH NEEDED CELEBRATION

July 20th...
Lane Bryant GENEROUSLY decided to furnish my wardrobe for the video shoot for Stay on the 27th & 28th.  That is unbelieveable and FREAKING GREAT!!!  Myself, the director for the video and the stylist went to Lane Bryant on Fulton Street in Brooklyn. It's like stepping into plus sized Mecca heaven!  Two floors of plus sized everything!  Just great!  Spent 5 1/2 hours trying on clothes.  At first it seems fun and easy, but it does get quite exhausting, but a blessing nonetheless.

I call my father to wish him Happy Birthday. "Hi, Papi! Happy Birthday I'm sorry I won't be able to see you today but I sent you a package express.  Did you get iit?"
Silence.
"What's wrong, papi?  You're not happy."
"No...I'm not."
"Why what's wrong?"
Insert guilt-inducing comment here - here it comes:
"Well, I'm a year older and my daughter isn't coming to see me because she's got so many things to do."
Ding, ding...you are correct...tell her what she's won, Bob!
Ugh...why do I get the guilt trip?  Sometimes nothing pleases him - as bad as I try, I never succeed. 
"Sorry, papi...as soon as I get the chance, I'll take you out. I love you. Gotta go.  I had mentioned the audition and he didn't even wish me luck.  Oh, well.

Went to a production meeting, and exhausted.
Then went to a party for Elliot Loves hosted by Hennessy.  I had been invited the day I auditioned.  It was in a stylish and chic lounge, and the entire cast was there. Terracino, the director, was so excited to see me, and introduced me to everyone, and told me, I need to speak with you before you leave.  Great - there's hope yet!!  I mingled.  There I saw Javier, the make up artist for the movie who had initially suggested me for the role.  I thanked him, hugged him and had a great time.  As I was bidding goodbye, Terracino simply said, "Thank you for coming...I'll send you an email tomorrow. Drats - more waiting.

July 21st:
Voice is almost gone.
Received a phone call last minute about a show that SAME evening! OMG, how the heck am I going to pull it off?
Get a phone call from Terracino, explaining to me that because our schedules conflict and he needs a LOT of rehearsasl time with whomever plays Aunt Carmen - he could not offer me the part. 
By then, I had already pretty much figured I didn't get the part.  Disappointed, but I was at peace with it.  But then, to my surprise, he said, "Judy, we want you on this movie, and we think you would do a GREAT job playing Aunt Nani!"  What????  Oh, wow!  I got the part in a movie?  A real movie?    
"Oh, my God!  Thank you so much!  This is GREAT!!"
"We just felt it when you walked in....star quality..." I know he was saying great things, but my ears had gone deaf from the sheer joy I was feeling.  I'm going to be in a movie!! I can now die and say, "yes, I was in a movie once!" 
He told me he'd send me revisions of the script and welcomed me.  I called my mom and told her the news and she was ecstatic for me. Then, because of my voice being so fragile, I thougth it would be a good idea to post it on facebook to avoid having to call 25 people.  Um, boy was I wrong. I won't go into the gory details, but I think I lost a very good friend from this decision...she was angry that I had not opted to call her.  In this moment where I was so exhilarated, my joy was almost killed by one person's reacton...but take it from me...I deserve to be happy and at that moment, I did what I thought I needed to do to save my voice.
I cannot wait for the day to come (in August), when I hear, "Lights. Camera. Action...take one!!!"  Yeah, baby!!!                         

THE AUDITION

July 19, 2010
Part 2 of 2:

I arrive at the office, bumping into the director in the elevator by accident. I was taken to the 6th floor. I was a little nervous, but I reminded myself how badly I wanted this, and it was imperative to maintain confidence, calm and show them the best "me" I could. We walk into the room -the director, Gary Terracino. the lead actor, Fabio Costabrado and me. First thing Terracino says, "You're beautiful...this is perfect, EXACTLY the look I'm looking for!!!" All I could think was, thank God...if he just knew what had been told to me. We began reading, and he was such a welcoming person with such a positive energy - he made it very calming for anyone who would be nervous. We had fun, and I thought that Aunt Carmen, the character I was reading for, was a combination of "Hilda", Ugly Betty's sister and Rosie Perez...so that's how I read her....but then Terracino said, "That's good...but Aunt Carmen is precise; she does everything with purpose.." Okay, I can do that...we read some more. Then he says, "Aunt Carmen is intimidating." Ooh, that's a toughie...we had been in there for an hour or so, and it had been years since I auditioned for anything.  It was hot! I was tired. Intimidating...hm, a quality I lack. I have been intimidating in the business, but only because of the name...not because of my personality.

I was quickly brought back to my college acting class at Lehman College in the Bronx, with Professor Bill. We did scenes, workshops, and sometimes improvisation...I was good at all of it. The only area that needed improvement was, excuse my language, was when I needed to be a "bitch,." Just didn't know how...I always got stuck with that.  I wasn't allowed to show anger as a kid, and spent a lot of my life intmidated by many. I was always stuck when I had to be the bad girl.

Once the director said the word, intimidating, I talked myself into thinking that I could do it. After all, I only had to recall certain relatives, who at this time shall remain nameless, lol.  I did my best. The more direction he gave me, the more convinced I felt. But then I began to forget...um, who do I look at again? How did you want me to deliver the line? I was overwhelmed...Terracino shook my hand and said, "I'll send you an email tomorrow and let you know what we decide." Damn.  That's where I thought I tanked.  I thanked them and before closing the door I said, "By the way, if you give me this role, I will work hard, take direction and will do even better!!!" Duh, Judy, why did you do that?? Ugh, it's just like the person who audtions on American Idol and says, "Can I sing another song? I'll do better.." Oh, my God.

I got into my car and began shaking...my hands, my legs. And then they came. The dam of tears fially broke, and the flood gates were opened!! I cried, then cried some more...then pulled over and cried. But what the hell was I crying about?? I don't mind crying with reason and intention, but when I cry like this, I feel very lost.  Was I so sleep deprived that I was overly sensitive? Was it that I wanted this role so bad, I was scared I'd messed up in the end, and wouldn't get it? Was it that I had suppressed the nervousness so much, it had to come out in another way? Was it that I pushed away my tears at the meeting with my manager? Was it that my brain kept hearing the echo of my manager's voice:  "What are we going to do about "this?"" "Was it that I felt incredibly alone with my emotions?" So I called my best friend & I cried...I almost couldn't even speak. He listened...never interrupting me. He just listened and told me to let it all out. Then he assured me that he knows I'm talented; he was disturbed and angry about what had been said to me about my weight. The beauty of a best friend like him is that he has NEVER seen my weight; he has only seen my heart! He sees ME! He knows who I am...and without him I would've drowned in my own tears that night. "Don't worry, Judy. Go home and rest. I love you...call me if you need me."

I went home, telling myself that I have to leave it in God's hands...told myself that whatever will be will be, and I told myself that I did my very best, and as long as I walked away knowing that, that was all that matters. I told myself that there is a reason for everything, and that if I did not get the part of Aunt Carmen, Aunt Carmen taught me a valuable lesson today - I gotta learn to be a little more aggressive when necesssary. Then I prayed, "Thank you, God, for this UNBELIEVEABLE opportunity brought to me today! I am amazed at all YOU have done for me and I give you praise, honor and glory!...I know that I tend to talk to you more when I need you than when I don't, but I need You, for real!! LOL...I'm sorry...You know how much this means to me. I want this SO bad! Please, please, please, if it is Your will, please reach into their hearts and help them believe in me enough to give me that chance. I leave it in Your hands now and I thank You again!...In Jesus' name...amen." There. That should do it.

That's what you call faith. Isn't it?  Believing in what you cannot see?  There is a scripture in the Bible that says, "If you have faith as little as a mustard seed...it shall be given to you." Or something like that...sorry not good on the Bible quotes all the time. Have you seen a mustard seed? It is VERY, VERY tiny. So I leave it in His hands...believe you already have it, Judy. Trust.

Hm, lol...and then I couldn't sleep!! Too freaking worried and anxious...I just wanted it so bad....so much for having mustard seed faith.