Take a Breath And Hold Your Reaction

Took Mom to physical therapy today, as she's been recovering from hip replacement surgery. She has had a long and tough road to healing, but I'm so proud of her and her effort to be well.  My nieces were as beautiful as always.  I bought the movie "I Can Do Bad All By Myself" and cried like an actress doing a Kleenex commercial.  The movie moves me, inspires me, and makes me want to go back to church.  Truth is I love church.  I really do!  I love community, gospel music, singing and clapping, praying and feeling good!  I just sometimes disagree with a lot of things that it teaches sometimes, and feel torn between feeling like a hyprocritical sinner and being brave enough to think that it is possible to love ALL people even if they believe diffrently than me.

I hate to admit it, but Mr. Mak keeps haunting my brain.  It sucks and I want to be all tough about it, and say, well, he let me down, but he's there.  There's a connection there...and it's beyond a physical attraction.  Can't explain it too well.  We've had such great conversations, and I think he has the perfect combination of intelligence and humility; manliness and empathy; dangerous and safe, lol...or maybe I'm just out of my mind!!!  Because here's the kicker...are you ready?  Take a breath and hold your reaction...here goes.

I've NEVER met him in person.  The story is long, and one day, maybe I will let you know the whole story.  Long story short we began as pen pals, graduated to texting, calling...but everytime we have a date planned something goes wrong either on his side or mine.  Just when I tried to get him out of my mind... 

Mr. Mak sent me a text...he had good news, and I was excited for him and congratulated him.  I had put my phone down while watching the movie and suddenly realized he'd been trying to contact me...damn!!

Did I mention??

I
MISS
CANDY!!

LOL..I can do this...but something's gotta give.  I need a date!!  Or a piece of candy!  Or date with candy in his hand...Sweet dreams!         

Better to have Loved, Blah, Blah, Blah

3:18 am - Fred calls drunk..."Hey, mama!." Yes, I overreacted, but only because I'd told him on more than one occassion that I don't want him calling me after midnight.  "Why are you calling so late at night?  Don't call me at this time, I'm not your booty call!"  Ladies:  if a man really is seriously interested, he WON'T call you late at night like he's creepin.


10:00 am - The ex calls.  "Happy Valentine's Day, Judy...you're in my heart, I miss you. I still love you."  Damn.  I admit, he got to me.  Tears began to dance. Why?  Because my first Valentine's Day with him was the best in my life. Besides being showered with gifts, which I am NOT accustomed to, it was the look on his face:  absolute joy.  It was the first time he told me he loved me.  The next day there had been a blizzard, and NOTHING stopped him from coming to see me and now that I think if it, oh, yeah, he's the only man who ever dug my car out of the snow for me. (Revelation!) Aha - that's why I was so pissed to dig out my car the other day. I miss the "we" we used to be.


10:18 am - Flaky guy, suddenly reappears, "Happy Valentine's Day, hun."  Whatever.  Hun...when did I tell you to call me hun?  What constitutes the right for a man to call me hun, when he can't even call when he says he will. 

Worked at the radio station today...and it was fun.  Mr. Mak had sent me an email last night stating he would take me out to dinner after my shift.  Not so much as a call from him...Today, Mr. Mak is now Mr. Wack.  I'm not even angry.  Dissappointed?  Yes.  Angry?  Nope.  Too much energy to be angry, and honestly I want to be with a man who treats me like a priority - NOT an option.  So I went home, ordered Chinese take-out, and watched Extreme Makeover - Home Edition with Tyler Perry helping out.  It was a good way to end my Valentine's Day.  That show always makes me cry like a baby, but this time I needed 2 boxes of Kleenex to hold my tears.  Just a tremendously inspiring show!  God bless them all.

So in conclusion - if you are single today on this Valentine's Day, please know you are not alone. I'm in that club with you. The most important question is:  How did you spend your time today?  Hopefully you didn't wallow in your "single-ness." Hopefully you made use of your time and if you did wallow, I get it.  I really do.  No one is meant to be alone in this world - not even you.  But no one is ever attracted to a wallowing person; only attracted to happy, smiling people.  Smile.  Even though your heart is breaking.  So take a quote from one of my favorite Idina Menzel song, Better to Have Loved:  

Better to have loved, than never loved at all.
Better to have dreamed and never taken the fall
Better to have held you and let you in
Than never to have touched your skin
Better to have hurt, and screamed and cried
Fallen to the earth for a trip to the sky
Better to have loved...you.