SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU, HERE IS STAY, THE VIDEO!!!

Woke up deciding that it was going to be a great day. Yesterday was done...today is a new day to decide to be happy; to decide to have no drama; and to decide that I'm good enough to have this video release party no matter what my weight happens to be.  I do admit, once in a while, I could hear in my head..."when they see the video, all they're going to see is your weight."  But each time it buzzed into my head, I swatted the crap out of it! Dead-blood & guts all over the place!!

The entire day as about tying loose ends:  Packing to stay over my friend's house, deciding which shoes to wear, washing the car, making a last minute stop at the mall, stopping at Pearl Lounge to be sure the tv moinitors were set up, the dvd's were working & to ensure the temperature was good. It was a bit warm, but a staff member had just opened the place & promised that by the evening the place would be an ice box.  For the first time I ate at Chipotle...yum, lol. It was 4:50pm by the time I was driving to my friend's house.  Wait. What am I going to say tonight?  Okay-I had to write a small speech.  By the time I arrived to David Miskin's house and wrote the speech, it was time to dress. I took a shower, changed, hair, make-up, nerves kicking in. I was shaking inside a little bit, but I LOVED my dress! LOL. It was a deep -jeweled, teal colored Calvin Klein dress. I love it because although it's simple, it flatters.  I have NEVER bought myself a designer dress, lol...I know you don't believe me, but it's true.

It was 7:48pm when we jumped in a cab to the city. On our way over, I asked David, "Do you think we'll have a full house? Do you think people from the industry will really come? Do you think my mom will like the video?  Do you think people will react to the video when we show it?" Of course he responded with a yes on all counts.  And that's when I realized...shoot, I'm nervous.  We arrived almost at 8:30pm, and immediately the music director of KTU, Bartel was outside, along with Cary Vance from Promo Only and John Parker of Parker Recordings - three very instrumental people in the music industry. I looked to my right and my younger sister was there.  I was elated. Wait. Then my manager was walking in behind me.  I knew in a second I wasn't upset with him anymore. Hm, I thought, I look good, and don't even try to change my mind about it! LOL.

It was a FULL house. The music was going! the place was packed with people buzzing, laughing, chatting, drinking and eating.  It was also very, very HOT! Oh, my God, did we melt the ice caps of the north pole?  It was almost like stepping onto the surface of the sun. But there was not much we could do. We were told the air conditioning was turned up to the maximum.  I looked around, and immediately I had to work the room and thank every single person for coming...My friends, the production crew & their friends, people from the industry - it was a great turn out!  Even Kayel, Los and Thirteen from TKA/K7 & Swing Kids  and CNR from Trilogy showed up.  They made me feel incredibly special by being there.  The only thing I felt bad about was that I was unable to sit and speak with anyone for more than 20 seconds.  No one really had quality time with me.  We were going to begin screening around 9:15pm or so, but it was SO hot, I didn't think people would be patient enough.

So at 9:00 Luis Loca, the coordinator of the evening, introduced me.  The crowd cheered and I thanked everyone!  You should know that most of the time, one's record label would finance your video, but that's only if they are sure it's a HIT or if it is in the budget...lol..you guessed it. Nope, not in the budget.  That wasn't my story, so we all decided to work on it on our own, and my manager wanted it done.  So I explained that it was done with an incredibly small budget and financed by someone who didn't even really know me well, but believed in me wholeheartedly:  the producer, Terence Osborne.  I also explained, and you should know this too, that the majority of our production crew was made up of college students. You HAVE to allow younger people with no experience the opportunity to gain experience!! As a matter of fact, the director of photography, Erik Spink was only 20 years old..and he did a magnificent job!

"...And so...without further adieu, here it is: the video of Stay.  Roll it." We first showed the behind the scenes documentary and it was SO MUCH FUN!  The production crew had their friends there and it was wonderful hearing each and every person receive applause and acknowledgement for their work.  After that, we showed the video...and
MY HEART WAS POUNDING IN MY THROAT!!!
Would people like it?  Would my manager be right that all people would notice is my weight gain?  What about the bedroom scene..would people take me seriously or would they tell me I had no business being in bed with anyone on camera?  Would they appreciate my acting?  We only had 2 vases for the take where I break the vase in a fit of anger, and have a breakdown on screen...could I cry on cue?  All these questions were stabbing my stomach.  And for each section of the video, I heard people clapping, laughing, oohing and aahing...and I knew it was a good thing.  Whew...it was done & I could breathe again.  I gave out crystal awards to Erik Spink, director of photography; Terence Osborne, producer; Gio Alonso, stylist, Javier Rosa, make-up & hair and David Miskin, director. And of course, when I gave David's award I cried.  And, David offered me not a tissue but an entire roll of paper towels. (It's an ongoing private joke that I cry so much sometimes I need the whole roll.)  David, from day one, has believed that I'm a star, like a serious future grammy award-winning, broadway starring star! He has been a life line to me. Whenever I've wanted to give up on myself, he wouldn't let me!  It was his idea to do this video and without his determination that we would do it, and do it right, I wouldn't be writing about it now. I'm really proud of our work, and I'm really happy that with almost nothing, we created something...and it is magical...and it was God looking out for all of us.

I ended the evening dancing, talking, sweating and smiling feeling accomplished.  Oh, yea by the way, I did drink - but I did NOT get drunk...I watched people get drunk for me...it was way more fun.  The music industry looks at how many views you have on youtube, how many friends you have on facebook and how many followers you have on Twitter...when you watch the video - should you find that you like it, as a personal favor to me, please post it on your pages...maybe this artist veteran of 24 years on an independent recording label could finally make it major and "STAY" in this great business of music that I SO love!!

The Eve of Stay Video Premiere and All The Extra Weight!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrTO9yAfRNU

It's the evening before the Stay Video Release Party, and I'm sitting here with true butterflies in my stomach. I attempted to sleep about 20 minutes ago because I'm a nervous wreck.  I was in a GREAT mood yesterday.  The more the production crew and I spoke about the party at Pearl in NYC, the more happy I felt. It is very empowering when you get to see the results of something that began as a simple idea that popped into your head.  The director for the video of Stay, David Miskin, just called me one day and said, "We're GONNA do a video for Stay."  My next thought was, "How?  With what funds?  And yes, I know you all think I'm a gazzilionaire, but what most ofyou don't know is how much money you actually have to spend on a day to day basis just to stay in the business.  20% goes to your manager; 15% goes to your booking agent; 10% goes to your road manager: and I always tip the limo driver- and I tip them well so when I need a favor, they remember my kindness and return the same!! LOL. Then there's your outfits...and thanks to youtube, you have to be careful about repeating outfits....bottom line - it's expensive!!!  So for a video, we're talking major bucks!!!  You need a director, producer, director of photography, grips, script advisors, wardrobe hair, makeup, studio, you have to feed the crew, etc...

But LOVE, my friends, is always the answer.  I have to admit, many people either did this out of the kindness of their hearts, or they did it for far less than I know they deserve.  And that's when I feel it.  The love.  The idea that the producer posted much of the funding and he didn't even really know me well; but he believes in me.  It just touches my heart beyond words...and I am deeply humbled!  They all did, they all believed in me....and I felt their love the second we all went on the set.  And we did it on a VERY low  budget.  So here we are.  We filmed at the end of August, and tomorrow we show the video for the first time!!  It began with an idea and a month later, it has been filmed, edited re-edited, and it is now a reality!! 

So yesterday I was having a great day until...
I had a conference call with my manager, and the whole weight thing came up again. Although he wasn't at all trying to be mean; he wasn't degrading me as other managers have done in the past, but it hurts when someone says, "When people see this video, all they will see is the weight....how much weight have you gained anyway?"  It hurts.  I don't care how gentle one is about approaching the subject, it hurts. It hurts because you wake up in the morning and YOU see what's going on...the mirror is screaming the word FATSO to you! I hung up the phone and I CRIED MY ASS OFF!! And then I cried some more...and then I felt a huge sense of panic.  I had to do something...I was frantic...I couldn't breathe. I think I had my first panic attack.  I remembered what my mom said to me last time I was crying about being told I have to lose weight. She said, "Aye, Judy, please.  Why do men try to tell us how to look all the time? What have you been doing for the last 20 something years?  Have you been entertaining?  The people accept you, they love you, so what's everyone else's problem?  Please, next time tell him to get off your back."  But sometimes when it's very quiet in my home and I'm reflecting, I'm secretly wondering if I haven't made it big because of my obesity...

I called him back.
"We have to talk because I just spent the last ten minutes crying."
"Oh, no, don't do that..."
"Well, you can't tell me that because that's what happened. I just wanna tell you that I appreciate your honesty, and I know you are only telling me what the industry people will think, but honestly, your timing SUCKS!!  I was all excited about this video and the party, and you tell me that all people will see is my weight?"
"Judy, no. You're wrong...that's not what I'm saying...the young people who buy these songs equate weight with being old. I don't want people saying you're old...I don't care if you lose the weight or not. I think you're a beautiful woman..."
"Yea, I know, I'm beautiful BUT!  There's always a BUT...But you'd be prettier if you lost weight...I've heard that all my life."
And then it got bad.  I went into that cry where you hyperventilate..ank you can't talk because you're trying to breathe. I HATE when I do that...I come across so freaking weak, but I do show my feelings, and I could not have felt lower. I'm even crying right now while I write this, because the whole subject, well, leaves me feeling as low as I can feel.
"Judy, I didn't say you're beautiful but...anything. I was trying to say you're a beautiful woman! I believe in you - I'm not going anywhere and I wont be disappointed if you don't lose the weight. I just think it's a shame that you worked so hard to lose weight and it's coming back on...I want to see you make it, and I don't want your weight to hold you back."
"Well, how did Queen Latifah do it all these years then!" I argued
"She LOST the weight!"
"Yea - NOW she did. But how did she do it all those years ago?"
Back and forth we went like a very tense and exciting tennis match.  We hung up, and I felt better. I felt proud that I had the guts to call him back and tell him I was hurt. I felt better that he said he believes in me now matter what I weigh. And, as much as it hurts, I am thankful, that he's honest to my face. We ended the conversation with him reassuring me he cares, he loves working with me and he believes in me but he wanted me to know what others will think, feel and say. 

So, I have the dress. I have the shoes, the jewelry...I have friends. I have love, I have family...and I have fans that love every single freaking love handle I own...I know they look at me, and I know they see the weight, but you know what? I believe in myself enough to show up tomorrow weighing whatever I weigh!! I believe in myself enough to say, "yes, I did it for the fat chicks!!" "Soy golda pero soy buena!" ( I am fat but I am good!)  and I believe in myself enough to say, "God knows who I am. He knows my heart...and although not perfect, I work hard to love people no matter what, and I want the people to give me the same."  Whatever happens tomorrow night among my peers and the music industry guests, I DID MY VERY BEST work in this video! And I am thankful to the ENTIRE crew for believing in this chunky but funky J-To!!!