A PHONE CALL CHANGES EVERYHING

A few months ago, I received a call I never thought I would. It was the Lobster's ex-wife. She wanted to know if I would tell her why I had broken up with the Lobster.

It's been three years since I broke up with Lobster. It was an almost six year relationship full of high highs and humiliating low lows. After almost six years of extremes and hollow promises of marriage and a future family, I had had enough, and I stopped the nonsense. So when his ex-wife called me, I was actually happy about it. I had wanted to speak to her for years, but Lobster had pretty much villianized her, and had me believing she didn't even want to speak to me. Okay, so we began to talk, and I told her EVERYTHING I could remember, anything I could think of and I asked her a few questions myself. And in one flash, it all came together. Boom. Bam. Pow. I felt like I was watching 20/20 with Barbara Walters or Diane Sawyer. I could imagine the female voice over in my head: "...They were together almost six years. They met, they fell in love. There was talk of marriage, and then a sudden move and she was excluded from it all. But why?...and in one phone call it all made sense." The Lobster's ex-wife and I were able to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, and we discovered together that almost the entire duration of my relationship with the Lobster, he was with her. And that's when the female voice over says: "...and he was leading a successful double life."

Although I broke up with him three years ago, and although I had been over him for a long time, I always KNEW there was someting WRONG in my gut about him. I recall he had gone with me to a counseling session, where I had told the therapist, I KNOW there's a big secret he's holding onto because nothing makes sense. Nothing. He swore on his life he had no secrets, and I was just insecure. Take this as a lesson: when your gut tells you something is "off", you don't need further proof. You need no proof. Your gut just knows. Period.

And so, she and I had a very long overdue conversation. We learned that we were both taken for fools, both used, both good women who simply believed in someone we loved. We wished each other well...and I hung up, feeling relieved, feeling like I finally got the closure I was looking for, and feeling f#$ng pissed off!! And then my chest began hurting...and it hurt every single time I had an "Oh, so that's why he..." moment. So I did what I thought I needed to do. If I was having a chest pain, I figured it made sense that I needed to get something off my chest. And so I picked up the phone and called him. "Lobster (I wanted to call him all sorts of names but I held my tongue) by now you know that I've spoken with your ex. All I can say is that karma is a REAL BITCH and I hope you know what you're doing, because it will all come back to you. So, God bless you when that time comes. In the meantime, I thought you were the love of my life, but you were the LIE of my life." And I hung up. I could do no more, because the truth is you cannot vent to someone like that. It would be wasted breath to say everything, when I knew he would deep down have a smug smirk on his face. He's just not worth it. Really, and truly.

I'm so glad I moved on. I told the Quiet One all about it, and he surprisingly was VERY supportive. He listened to me bitch, cry, question, and the whole time, he held me, and told me it would be alright. He actually told me somethings that made me feel healed from it all. Any man would easily say, "That's your past, forget about him. It's us now." And any man would be right to do that. But the Quiet One, I believe, understood this incomplete issue in my life, and he was kind enough to entertain it for amoment, but he wouldn't allow me to feel sorry for myself. He showed me how all these events happened for a reason. And the best thing was that he said, "I'm glad it didn't work out, otherwise, I wouldn't have met you now. I'm so happy he's in my life. I'm happy. I feel that God has rewarded me for no longer tolerating crap in my life....The Quiet One is also the Noble One, the Good One, the Honest One! He's quickly become the love and light of my life.

Fast forward to last week. I have had to see a cardiologist because the chest pains have never left. They happen now for no reason at all. I shouldn't say it's pain as much as it feels like someone is sitting on me and won't get up. I've had an xray, an ekg, an echo-cardiogram, and a stress test..all normal. My doctor says anxiety is a diagnosis of exclusion. In other words, before he says the chest thing is due to anxiety, he has to rule out everything else first. Now the chest discomfort comes for no reason at all. I could be sitting, resting, thinking about nothing at all, and it comes on suddenly. Sometimes it sits with me for days, sometimes it drives me crazy. I was talking to a friend and I told her that I don't think it's unfinished business because I forgave him a long time ago. I won't allow the jerk to rule my life like that...no power to him, hell no. And then she said the most profound thing. She said, "Judy, I know that you forgave him already. But have you forgiven yourself?" And wow. I was stoppped in my tracks. I could't refute it, I couldn't argue, debate...she was right. I haven't forgiven myself. I haven't forgiven myself for having been so stupid to believe his lies, to not pick up on the clues, for allowing myself to be mistreated, neglected, to be second...ugh. How do I do that? I have forgiven EVERYONE for EVERYTHING that has ever been done to me...but how do I do that when I wasn't even aware that I was mad at myself? It's a great thought. I have to chew on that for a while...Oh, by the way, if you ever find the Lobster, you have my blessing to throw him back in the ocean, or just simply broil it.

ENJOYING THE "NOW"

Spent most of the day at the doctor's office, reviewing the results to my physical.  Good news:  Sugar, Cholesterol, Blood Pressure - Excellent! Vitamin/mineral levels - Excellent!  I admit I was SO relieved to hear that, especially knowinge that high blood pressure and diabetes run in my family. So as Dr. M continued the examination, she did see that, in spite of the medication I was given last week, my legs and ankles are still somewhat swollen.  She did all these strange things to me: pulling my shoulders up, moving my legs around, feeling my neck. Wait. She was feeling my neck too long.

"Hm, you know..." the doctor said, "the right side of your neck is larger than the left."
I looked at her face for more.
"And sometimes the swelling in the legs, especially in the shin area can mean thyroid issues. Although your thyroid results were good, I want to do an ultra sound just to be sure, make sure it's not a tumor."
I nodded in consent.  Yes, this is good...let's be thorough.  And then she did something some doctors never do.  She sat on her chair and moved it up to me.

"So, Judy. Tell me.  How are you?"
It was as if the flood gates opened.  Part of me was relieved and the other was scared to speak up. What the hell...let me get it out.
"Dr. M, I have not been well. I have been EXTREMELY fatigued lately. I wake up, and want to sleep. Sometimes I do go back to sleep, and the other morning I gave in and slept an additional three hours after already having had eight hours sleep.  I have trouble falling asleep."
"Well," chimed in Dr. M, "Do you have a lot on your mind?  How is your career?  How've you been feeling about your weight?"
"No.Yes. Yes, I have a lot on my mind. I am worried, but I'm not obsessed about it.  I don't know, to be honest, I just noticed that the last five days or so, I'm having crying spells...I start crying, and I can't stop...just telling you about them makes me feel like crying right now."
She shocked me:  "Here, here's a tissue...let it out! It's okay, really - go ahead and cry."
Ironically, I didn't - I just looked to her for answers.  She looked at my results again.

"Okay, let's test your hormones...let's do more bloodwork to check for arthritis, Epstein Barre Syndrome, Lupus...everything...let's help you. In the meantime, call your neurologist and get your brain and spine checked with MRI...let's rule out the physical symptoms before we approach the psychological." 

This is a good doctor.  The fact that she moved her chair up, and LISTENED to me was half the healing, lol.  Anyway, she encouraged me to find a therapist because she said it's good to have someone to listen to anyway. I left her office and immediately did all the testing...I continue to pray and have faith in God's goodness...and I know things will get better. 

And then I got a phone call...a phone call from a man in my past...20 years ago.  We'll call him Six.  Six and I met in Florida in the beginning of my career through a mutual friend in grammar school.  For three days we hung out, laughed, danced..and on the very last night he kissed me. On and off for the next two years or so we would hang out and make out and he would always try to seduce me. Yea, I said it - sorry, Mom. It wasn't that I wasn't curious; it wasn't that I wasn't crazy about him; it wasn't that I didn't care about him.  But . He was intimidating. One of those men who knows what he wants, and agressively pursues it.  I will say in spite of his feelings, he ALWAYS respected me.  I don't remember how we lost touch, or why we stopped speaking, but I never forgot his great, sea-like green eyes.

"Nena," (that's what he always called me.) would you like to come with me to the movies to see Conviction at the Director's Guild Theater, starring Hillary Swank and Minnie Driver?"
"Hey, stranger! Sure!"
A couple of hours later we met at Starbuck's to catch up. Six is a retired police officer and has been a professional actor for the last 10 years! I was so happy for him because it was always his life's dream and he was now doing it, and has been pretty successful too!  We discussed our lives, successful careers, and failed relationships.  And there was a moment, where I just looked at him and it came rushing back, and I suddenly remembered how intimidated I used to be in his presence. I was so young, naive and VERY shy.  He was always such a powerful man, and quite frankly, it was a turn on.  It was not his "power" per se, but his confidence that was sexy.  And, while I love bald men too, he has a GREAT head of hair on him still...no grey hair, just a little on the stubble on his chin.  Gorgeous green eyes, and the best eye contact that I can remember.  He is not pretentious in the least.

The movie was very very good, and I was so happy to be there. It was great to have that spontaneity in my world, even if just for a day. But, God, I needed this...I needed the company of a man, without worrying if he would expect or disrespect me...Six was my friend.  And after the movie, I invited him for a drink. We went to a very nice restaurant and ordered a couple of drinks, and it was there that I began to blush. I admit it, I am STILL attracted to him.  The best part of it all, is that neither one of us had to be on guard. It was comfortable. 

I shared with him my recent disappointments from Navy Guy suddenly disappearing, to Lobster's cameo appearances and phone calls, to the men who make dates just to stand me up, to the men who just want to have sex with me on the first date...and nothing else. Six listened, told me about his divorce and why his marriage failed, about the women who had come and gone, the turn on's and turn off's and he reminded me of the following:
"Judy, most of us suck! But you  remember I told you this - YOU, the woman, are ALWAYS in control. You decide what you want from us, and if they don't offer you what you want, forget them.  You take control...and you let them wonder for a change. Not the other way around.  You're a good woman, Judy...I always thought you were different...and we always had a connection."

Five minutes later, I began to remember what attracted me to him those 20 years ago, and why I had not taken things farther those 20 years ago - He makes me feel wanted, happy, like I can trust him, but there is always something there that tells me he is not the relationship type. Suddenly I realized he'd continued his lecture and I wasnt even listening:

"...deinitely am still attracted to you...still something there...but right now I'm really working on myself before..." Yep, I was right, lol...not the relationship type. Six did say something profound to me. And although I'd heard it before, and I've even said it to people before, I needed to hear it today.  "Judy, sometimes you have to quit worrying whether or not you'll be married, or have children, or you'll have that successful career.  It is here. It is now. All you have is the present...and if you can stop worrying for one second and appreciate all you have now, you will be happier.  And when that happens, the love you have been waiting for will pop right into your life."

It honestly calmed me to hear him remind me of that.  Damn...still cute.  I could kiss him right now.
"Judy?  You there? Why are you smiling?"
"Nah, nothing."
We got to his car. We talked for a bit as he dropped me off, and in an instant, grabbed me and kissed me.
"Yes, Judy...I am still find you extremely beautiful!"  Woooh.  Call the ambulance!!  Fire!! LOL....I walked away with a smile on my face, no questioning if he'll call me again or not, whether or not this will turn into something. In fact, I didn't even care that perhaps his speech was just a set up to provide him the opportunity to kiss me. I didn't care! Nope! Just...enjoying the NOW.                                      

THE FALL. THE MEN. THE UPDATE!!

So it's the beginning of September and autumn is quickly approaching. It's so evident as the sun sets faster and faster each and evey day. The change in weather's already begun, tapping us on our shoulder as an announcement to change.  Fall is a great season!  I think of the vast array of colors on the leaves, the way the clouds seem to have different pattern formations & I already feel the texture of warm snuggly sweaters.  And then I think of shorter days and odd cravings for carbohydrates. Strange, but true. 

And I think of men.

Here's the update:

Navy Guy sailed away.  Never heard from him again. Although I have a minor urge to call and ask, "Why?", I simply choose not to go there.  "There" is that place where women go when they want closure.  "There" is an empty place full of excuses that only make a woman go nuts, in determination to find the truth.  It's a hole, a void that makes her go deeper into her neediness. And well, I've been in that hole too many times...it's dark down there.  So how do I close that chapter? I tell myself that when a man REALLY wants a woman, he goes after her.  Bottom line:  He doesn't REALLY want me; he's just not that into me.  The reasons that he doesn't want me won't change anything, and may actually have nothing to do with me.  God sometimes has a brilliant way of keeping away someone who would be bad for you...so don't fight it.

The Lobster.. He hasn't called since the last time he offered to "get together some time." Internally, I wonder if he saw the video...don't know why I wonder, but I do.  My closure with him?  Never had it; never will.  I know deep in my heart, there's something he left out; some strange omission that would expain everything.  My closure with him is that I will never have closure. Surely chasing after the reasons will land me in a straight jacket singing Come Into My Arms off-key somewhere, on a corner pretending to be back at Roseland Ballroom.    

Chicago Guy.  He has been in touch with me on and off, always via text.  Always begins excited and then suddenly stops. LOL. He always asks when I'll be back to Chicago, and is very engaging and then....quiet.  What's he doing here?  He's attempting to keep me at an option.  PUH-LEASE! He's keeping in touch because he knows I return to Chicago in November?  That's my guess..keep me dangling there just enough so when I go to Chicago, we can "pick up" where we left off.  Oh, no my dear, you mistake me for an idiot!! LOL.

New prospects have popped up recently, but nothing that seems to stick. I've been invited to movies and a dinner - hasn't happened yet.  I've also been sort of asked out by someone, but he was drunk when he asked. He's also a "fan" and that always concerns me because it may be the "persona" of Judy Torres that he's interested in - NOT me.  There was another fan that I actually was attracted to and considered.  I finally had the nerve to give my number, to only discover (damn) that he'd already been involved with someone else. He might have mentioned that in the first place, huh?  Damn, good looking & established sexy, guy too, lol!  But I told him that I don't want ANY drama.  If/when he is COMPLETELY single & emotionally available, then I'd love to meet for coffee.

I did have a date the other evening.  I don't know what to call him. He showed up with a smile and with a horrible smelling cologne!!  Bleeagh!! It was a little too earthy, too dark, too spicy. It reminded me of the colognes I used to smell walking up and down Fordham Road in the Bronx, being sold by street vendors that were like $5.00 for three bottles, lol.  Anyway,  I'll call him Guy X. Guy X had a great smile, nice hair.  He wore a long sleeved t-shirt and jeans with sneakers. Sneakers? Not sure if that worked out okay, but hey, why judge, right?  Right?  He took me to a very nice Italian restaurant, and it was obvious that he was nervous, which I always think is quite endearing.  The food was good and conversation was slow to start, but by the end of dinner, there was a comfort and his personality began to emerge.  It was a beautiful night with a soft breeze, so we walked along the park.

We discusssed what we were looking for. I told him that I'm not looking to "hook up", or have a fling. I told him I'm looking for a genuine relationship that would hopefully one day lead to marriage. He admitted that he used to be that guy who hooked up, but was tired of meeting the same type of women who played the field.  Somehow, for some reason, I wasn't really buying it.  But okay. I'll go with it for now.  He stopped me and hugged me.  It was a good hug.  Scratch that - it was a WONDERFUL hug.  And although the cologne was making my nose blees, it was nice.  In fact, I haven't had a man hug me first...it's always a kiss. So I thought, it was a rather sweet & affectionate thing to do.  My only issue with him at the time was that I didn't find him to be focused on life. He still didn't know where he was going with career, didn't seem to have any aspirations.  Basically, he lacked passion. I don't care if I date a plumber - but I want hin to PASSIONATE about plumbing. I want him to get excited when he talks about pipes, water and repairs! ..and there's nothing wrong with not being focused, but I wonder if at this age in life, we should have some idea. 

I did get lost in the hug for a second. I actually had tears in my eyes (I didn't let him see that, of course). It had been a while since I'd been hugged by a man.  It was safe; it was comforting and assuring - it's amazing how two arms can make one feel so protected.  I really liked that feeling.  Guy X called me beautiful.  He said I was down to earth, and he really appreciated that.  He said he loved my height - I'm tall 5'9".   As we walked back to the car...he let his defenses down...way down.

We got into the car.  He began talking politics and conspiracy theories and told me to "do the research.." LOL..and then he did the unthinkable:  He dissed Ms. Oprah Winfrey!!!
Oh
No
You.
Didn't
Make fun of what I'm wearing, disagree with my stance on politics and religion but DON'T mess with my Oprah.  

He suddenly reclined the chair to what I call "thug seating conditions", put one hand on the wheel, licked his lips and presumed a Lil Wayne look in his eyes.  Mr. X was gone!  Yea, all of a sudden Mr. X became Mr. Gangsta!!
 "So, yo, ma, check it right...I wanna get wit chu real soon."
Uncomfortable but politically correct smile.
"So yo, Imma hitch you up tomorrow, a-ight??"
I thanked him..."Thank you for everything.  Sure, I'll, um, hit you up."

Yea, I'll hit you alright...LOL. I admit I have to laugh.  I had fun until his inner gangster surfaced.  There's nothing wrong with that at all, but it doesn't work for me.  Well, I'm confident there will be more dates to come from some mystery men...and more stories to tell. But somewhere in that mix, the ONE is there. I know he is!        

WHEN YOUR EX READS YOUR BLOG...PART 2 OF 2

Don't know what possessed me.  I missed him.  I missed my Lobster...or at least I missed the fantasy of what I thought we had.  But I knew this...I STILL LOVE HIM!!!  I do, ugh, I really do..and I continue to secretly fantasize him coming back to me!  Silly thing, I know.  In my last blog, I mentioned where he failed me, but I failed to mention that he was a good man, and was better to me than anyone I'd ever known.  I also failed ot mention to you all that when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, he was there EVERY SINGLE DAY for me while I was in the hospital. He made the phone calls, he talked to my mom every day, he cleaned my house, did my laundry, and took my very very sick cat of 18 years to the vet.  He was the person responsible for taking me out of my depression when I was first diagnosed...

The morning after I was told I had multiple sclerosis, I had pretty much decided I wanted to die; just was trying to figure out how to do it. I know it sounds horribly morbid, but at the time, that's where my head was.  I remember he came into the hospital room with a backgammon game, asking me if I wanted to play. I could've killed him.

"The LAST thing I want to do is play a freaking game! Did you not hear what I told you...yesterday they told me I have multiple sclerosis...there is no cure...I could end up crippled...and you want to play a game.?!?!"
His response:  "Judy...don't think I didn't have a break down last night, because I did. I cried...a lot.  But then I got to thinking, it's going to be alright."
"What?"
"Judy, can you talk?"
"Yes."
"Can you walk?"
"Yea..but"
"Can you sing?"
"Yes."
"Well then as long as you can walk, talk and sing...just keep on living!  Who's to say you'll be crippled?  As long as you can sing, you can make it through anything.'
And just like that...he shut me up.  Just like that..he was right.
The day I was released from the hospital, my 18 year old cat died and he was there for that too.     
And that's just one story where he loved me...loved me for real.

Got off track.  Don't know what possessed me. I texted him.  He texted me asking if I was okay.  I confessed that I missed him...that I had been thinking of him..and yes, that I still loved him. Ugh. That was hard to type...to put it in writing.  I always have my guard up with him, because I'm afraid the Lobstser will let me down AGAIN.  He was working and unable to talk, and for whatever reason, that annoyed me too...He said he missed me too, and then, I saw the bold letters slap me in the face:

I miss you too but it's hard not to clam up and tell you how I feel when you blog about the sailor boy.

Gulp. Ooh.  Uh...
I reminded him again that months ago, I told him I still wanted to be with him if he'd have me...and that I did not love Navy Guy...but he did nothing about it...what was I supposed to do?

I hate to admit it...but when I got home, I plopped on the sofa and cried my ass off..              
Why after two years of being separated do I still wish he'd come back to me?
Why am I still alone?
Why doesn't anyone want me?
Why doesn't the Lobster want me?
Why won't he do anything to win me back, when he has the power to at anytime?
Why did I leave him? 
yes, I realize how pathetic I sound...lol. But we all have our moments...and this was mine. I thought he was the one...I thought he would be my husband...I thought he loved me enough to fight for me...I thought a lot of things...

Thank God, for the morning after...because I was calmer, not as depressed, but I needed to let it out.  I just thought, "Wow...my ex reads my blog too??"  Well, Lobster if you read this, life is what you make it and I won't be single forever..lol.!!

The Lobster, The Navy Guy and The Strange Feeling.(Part 1 of 2)

Friday, August 6th -
Life is very ironic. Received a phone call from my ex-boyfriend, who I was with for 5 1/2 years.  I called him my Lobster the entire time we were together.  Why?  Because I believed he was always THE ONE, the one I would spend my life with, the one whose children I bear, the one I'd marry.  I broke things off after many red flags had waved in my face, and I could no longer ignore them: the fact that I'd never met his parents; the fact that he'd promised we'd live together but  moved without me; the fact that there were holes in some of his stories, and the fact that after 5 1/2 years together, we weren't even engaged...there was simply no real proof that said he wanted to future with me. 

Anyway, the Lobster called me and immediately, I felt it.  Everytime he calls, I am automatically back with him in my mind, I am automatically feeling love for him, but I am also, automatically hurt again...confused again, and angry again.  For the entirety of our relationship, the Lobster had always gone to my shows and especially to Beatstock.  It was always wonderful to hear him wish me luck before I walked onto the stage, to see the smile on his face when I got off and to feel the pride he felt for me....but for the last two years, I'd gone solo. I wondered if he called because he knew it was Beatstock weekend.  I wondered if he called because he'd hoped I'd bring it up.  I wondered if he called because he knew Navy Guy was in town. But then again...I just wondered.  What did he want?  Why did he call now?  Just last year, I had a conversation with him...we'd gone to a wake together...and it was that night I confessed to him that he still had a chance if he wanted me back as long as he'd make time to see me and promise to have a future with me.  He had asked me that night if I loved Navy Guy, and I told him I did not. I told him that I would leave any  prospect if it meant we could be together again.  He promised to take me to dinner...but nothing happened.      

In fact, he invited me out a couple of weeks ago with less than a four hour notice, but I was SO extremely worn out from planning the music video for Stay, that I simply could not. I was exhausted...and I was not up to it. I could not physically do it.  I thought to myself, it's great to be spontaneous, but if he really wanted it to be special, why wouldn't he plan it better with me?  And that's part of our problem...timing. He never had time for me. I was always the one begging him for his time, and I had to accept it....now for the first time, I didn't have the time, and I had to say no.         

Navy Guy called to say he was pulling up in front of my house. For a moment, I had no idea of how to greet him. I hadn't seen him since December, and since December a lot had happened.  In December. I didn't exactly feel like he wanted a substantial relationship with me, and the day before he left, I told him I just wanted to be friends...that's how we left things.  And then over some time, as the months passed, he'd called, angry and accusing me of "kicking him to the curb," claiming that we did have something; that he indeed considered me a girlfriend.  But then again, realisitically, I knew he was drunk too, and perhaps very lonely.  At one time, he sent me a message stating that when he returned he wanted to "offer a proposition."

Walking down the stairs, I had decided to see how I felt when I saw him instead of waiting to see how he felt.  Navy Guy got out of the car, with a smile on his face and roses...I walked over to him, and we hugged.  Yes, he was as cute as ever, and ironically we were both wearing the same color, lol.  Almost immediately, he presented a box to me, white with a big, plush, silver bow. I admit, I LOVE receiving gifts...I don't get them often, so it is always exciting to me, and it always makes me feel like a little kid!  I opened the box, and he was so excited. "I got it in Italy...is it exotic enough? (I teased him online asking him to find something exotic for me and he'd told me he isn't that creative.)  Do you think it will fit?"  I put it on...it was a jewelry set - earrings, bracelet and necklace hand-made of jade and sterling silver...very pretty, unique. He was disappointed that the bracelet was big on me...I am a big girl, with big calves, but I have little ankles, wrists and fingers, lol.

As we walked into the restaurant, we held hands..not a bad sign, I thought.  At dinner we had some light conversation.  We didn't have much time together as I had a show that night, but I invited him nonetheless.  On the ride over, he joked around with the driver, and he seemed happy to be home; happy to be back.  At the show, however, I noticed something felt off...couldn't put my finger on it.  Wait, maybe I can.  I noticed he was talking to one of my friends...a lot. That is fine with me, but when I was around him, he was quiet. He wouldn't dance with me, and he barely said one word. When I  got home, we parted ways because Beatstock was the next day, and I needed my rest.  He kissed me goodnight.  Something was missing...something felt wrong...