PERFORMING AT THE HOBOKEN FESTIVAL? JERSEYLICIOUS!!

I was so looking forward to performing at the Hoboken Italian Festival, Friday, September 9, 2011! I love singing outdoors at free concerts...there is just a different vibe of joy in the air. Maybe because it's free? No. Because people love to gather and celebrate with music. I was specifically looking forward to it because some of the cast ot the Style Network's Jerseylicious were hosting the show: Anthony - hairstylist & "everybody's uncle", Tracy - beautiful hairstylist and Olivia's nemesis. I wish they would just stop fighting, but I admit it's somewhat entertaining to see them just hate each other. (Psychologically, I think they see in each other what they despise within themselves, but that's a whole other blog), Gigi -the most adorable hairstylist whom everyone just loves, and Doria, make up artist and part of my Chunky but Funky club..she sees things as they are. She celebrates her curves and I love it! I am a deeply intellectual woman who loves dramas, documentaries and anything pertaining to the spirit, however, watching Jerseylicious is my absolute guilty pleasure - I'm so hooked!

The Quiet One (who's still in the picture - we just celebrated our four month-iversary!) was going to come to the show, but he'd gotten back from work too late so he passed. But I was expecting some of my classmates from Zumba class, including our instructor, Jeannine Severino. As soon as I got there, the fierce enemy of all women's hair began it's attack on me: the Humidity Beast! It began its full-fledged attack on my hair a soon as I walked out of the limo. I immediately saw Cynthia, George Lamond and Fascination. Performing with them is like performing with family. I always know it's going to be a good show because we're in good company. I saw a man who looked familiar. "Heyyyyyy!! How are ya? What's going on? You look good," I yelled out to him. Then I realized, I feel like I know this man, but from where? Duh. Duh. It was Anthony from Jerseylicious, lol. That deja vu feeling was from seeing him on the show. I felt like an idiot calling out to him as if we were best buddies, but he took it like a champ. Anthony proceeded to tell me how much he loves my music and how excited he was to introduce me on stage. We took a couple of pictures together, and then I was introduced to Tracy, but I didn't see Gigi...I know I sound like a stalker, but it's all good. I have no shame. Tracy was very graceful, actually, she was far kinder than she appears on the show. I secretly wished she would fix my hair as I began to look more and more like Chaka Khan as the night grew.

...and so Anthony introduced me and there I was, frizzy hair and all. I brought my 80's goodie bag to show the audience. The bag was filled with Aqua Net, Drakkar Cologne, a Sony walkman, a cassette tape along with a no.2 pencil and of course, the prehistoric 12" record. The crowd loved it and I continued to sing. It was SO hot and humid on stage that I was distracted. All I kept thinking was, 'Oh, my God, it's so freakin' hot! Ugh, I can't even breathe, I can't hear myself either.' And then I could bear it no longer and removed my light jacket. The crowd howled - don't know why. I guess they enjoy seeing the wings of fat under my arms or the cute little love handles across my back, lol. Either way, it was a fun show.

Afterward I was invited by Jeannine & my zumba friends to go have a drink. I could have attended the afterparty,but honestly, my feet were killing me and I just wanted to sit. On our way to find a bar, a fan asked me to sing Stay to her. I was in a good mood, so I sang it to her, and she was so appreciative. It was a very sweet moment. And then I heard a very loud voice, "Judyyyy!! Girlfriend, you better not leave without saying hello." To my surprise, it was Doria from Jerseylicious, my chunky but funky new friend! She was SO cool. We talked about being plus sized and the challenges that come with it. And then she said, "Girl we need to get together and talk. You know that new show called Big Sexy? We need to get our own show, hello!!!" She was smart, sassy and I really liked her - we exchanged numbers and texted each other for an hour. Very cool. So then my zumba friends and I searched different places in Hoboken and finally ended up at Texas Arizona, a local Hoboken bar. There were about 6 women and 2 men from class and we all were talking. At one point, I looked around and we were all laughing. I just felt a real sense that I had made new friends. I love my close circle of friends, but it is always good to step outside of your comfort zone.

My one-drink-promise with them had been made, I was tired and I needed to get home. I had called the Quiet One to tell him I was stopping for a drink with my zumba friends and that I'd call him when I got home. A ride home was offered to me by one of the guys from class - he lives nearby me so I said okay. While he was driving me home, he asked me if my boyfriend would mind a man driving me home. And I said, "No, he would be fine with it...he's not the jealous type." At least that's what the Quiet One told me. When I got home, I called the Quiet One - it was almost 2 in the morning. I told him of my adventures and he listened half awake. The next day, when he was more alert, I told him everything, including the guy driving me home. He was fine. He was fine with it all. He told me, "I trust you, Judy. I will only get jealous if you give me a reason. you have the right to your friends, to have fun, to hang out with them, and you shouldn't have worried about getting home late. It's fine. We all need that sometimes." Wow. I realized that I have grown accustomed to the "Where the hell were you? Who were you with? Why didn't you ask me if he could drive you home? Why did you get home so late?". I realized almost once a week that I'm still shedding myself of my old baggage. I just remember laying my head down with a smile on my face. Life is good.

HAVE I SHARED TOO MUCH?

I hestitated to write this blog, because there is a battle within myself to show you the best side of me, because, well, I want to inspire, to encourage...so the other side of me wants to hide. But because I want to be honest, I will honor you and myself with the truth:  it's been a tough two weeks.

First, let me confess that something's been wrong physically.  I cannot give you a concrete, detailed analysis, because I don't know what it is. But I should tell you that there have been some issues...one that possibly points to the multiple sclerosis that I was diagnosed with so many years ago. I have been symptom free for years now, with just a mild tingle in my pinky finger, and sometimes a little fatigue. Otherwise...symptom free.  The possibility of another attack, relapse, may be underway.  But there are other symptoms - some swelling, some fatigue, the foot pain, just strange pains, etc., - in spite of the fact that my sugar is good and my cholesterol and blood pressure are great -  that I cannot put my finger on that's caused me to feel a bit of alarm.  I finally did go to the doctor and they've run some tests - I now put my faith in God's hands that if something is wrong, God will reveal what we need to know.  And I also put my faith in God's hands that all will ultimately be well.  It may just be the mutlpile sclerosis deciding to bring on some sort of attack, and this may be a warning. And all this is a bit discouraging because I was just beginning to work out again and found a lot of joy in Zumba classes. Doctor told me to not exercise until I see her again...so I wait.

Another thing to confess.  This is the hard one. I think I'm depressed.  No. It's not just the "blues, but I wonder if I am depressed.  This is where I become afraid to tell you the truth.  But what is true is true.  You see, for the last two weeks or so, I have had some crying spells...I also am not focusing on things too well...my mind wanders and I'm finding it hard to concentrate.  Some years ago, in my twenties, I did suffer from depression, and I worked VERY VERY hard for many years to find my joy again.  And yes, it was a diagnosis by a medical doctor...I suffered from it many years ago. I did years of therapy, introspection, meditation, medication for a couple of months (yea, I said it, LOL) prayer and surrender.  When I say surrender, I mean that I surrendered to the truth that I was not functioning too well - that I needed help. And I got the help I needed and wanted.  You see I believe that the ability to admit you need help is actually a sign of GREAT health; that I care enough about myself to be honest about it.  And once in a while, that black cloud tries to make a comeback, and I don't let it.  But something is wrong. I know it. I feel it. 

I have been lonely...and yes, my fans, you are wonderful to me. You think,"God, she's got hit songs, she sings all over, she's on the radio, she's got fans who LOVE her, friends and family!  She's got a great life - what's to be sad about?"  You are right. And I don't take that for granted, and yet, something is wrong.  Something is wrong on the inside that has nothing to do with any of my loved ones...it's me.  I feel it in my gut.  So before it gets me, I will get it and smother the hell out of it! LOL. Anyway, my doctor and I have decided to do a full physical first to rule out all of the physical possibilities first...so I'm praying, I'm thinking and today, I am blogging...in the hopes that just expressing this will help me figure it all out.

I wonder:  Is it that I'm lonely?  - You know I've been single for two years now. Never thought that would happen. I look around and see couples...I know they are not perfect, but damn, they have someone! I wonder why it's not me. Yes, I'm trying to be patient and I remind myself that God WILL bring someone to me...the right one.  But I am lonely. I am also frustrated, that I have recently done nothing but think about the Lobster. When I look back, which I shouldn;t but Ido, I still don't understand what went wrong and it pisses me off!  Then I'm also freaking frustrated at these idiotic men (sorry guys, I don't mean you) that talk to me, call me, text me, email me, etc...and then we make plans and I get either stood up, or they play stupid games with me. Oh, yea, this is a good time to mention that I had a date all set last week with a completely different man...and I was still stood up...no call, no text! D-A-M-N!!!  What the...??? 

The average woman would be disappointed. The average woman would say, "His loss, the jerk- He doesn't even deserve me!!"  I do think those things, for about an hour.  Then I am devastated...and I cry. I'm too sensitive about it. I think it goes deeper than that. Oh I can psycho-analyze the crap out of this: I can say, "Well, I  have abandonment issues from my childhood, when I would wait for my father who didn't show." And even though I'm aware of it, I am still freaking devastated.  And quite frankly, I know I'm jumping around, but I haven't been the same since the whole weight issue was brought up to me...I've gone off track. Sorry.

My point is that for the last two weeks, I am constantly on the verge of tears....sometimes I let it out, but I am trying to hold it in. I don't want to upset those around me. I am afraid to say, "Mom, I think I'm depressed again."  I want to be held...does that make sense?  But I am proud of myself now that I am admitting it, bringing it into the light, instead of hiding it in the darkness where it only breeds and gets worse.  And then, I laugh...wait. I am 42 now...I could be peri-menopausal...maybe it's hormones.  By the way, yes, the doctor tested my hormone levels too, lol.  But if that's what this is - I HATE IT!!

So, in conclusion, I hope I haven't lost any fans, or potential boyfriends by this confession.  One day, I will blog the first 20 pages of my autobiography, so you can hear more.  So you may learn why this all started many years ago.  But. But. But. I wanted to show you who I am, who I can be sometimes...and yes, that even Judy Torres is just like you...and there is NO shame in that!!! Is there? NO!!!   Did I just give TMI??? LOL...Sorry, if I went there, but you know what, I am bearing a small smile of relief right now.  Have I shared too much?? 
  

My LOVE for ZUMBA; My INDIFFERENCE for FOOTBALL!

So, I took a realistic look at myself.  And my family. Obesity runs in my family - don't know if it's genetic or not, but it is a reality. Diabetes is now part of my mom's life and I'm afraid I could be next one day.  As  much as I work on loving myself, I've been reading a book called  Women, Food & God.  The book was talked about on Oprah (and you know how much I love her).  The book suggests the idea that women who eat compulsively are not only trying to stuff down pain, anger, boredom, fear, etc, but they are disconnected with God, with living life to the fullest.  It suggests that your body is an IMMEDIATE reflection of how you feel about life & pain, love and being loved, etc.  It got me thinking that I have not been very kind to me at all lately.  I admit it. I struggle.  We all do.  We all have a monkey on our back & this is my momkey.  This monkey has lived with me so long, I am actually having back aches about it.  With the heartache of my recent meeting with my manager, which left me feeling HORRIBLE, and the fact that I don't want to cry victim, I decided to go ahead and try something new.  So I joined a new gym (I needed change of scenery) and have been taking Zumba classes for the last two weeks!

Zumba is a type of group dance/aerobic class. The Zumba program borrows Latin flavor from the following dance styles: Cumbia, Salsa, Merengue, Mambo, Flamenco, Chachacha, Reggaeton, Samba, Belly dancing, Bhangra, Hip Hop, and Tango.  You can easily burn 300-800  calories an hour, depending how much energy & effort you put into it.  Well, my first Zumba class, my friends, kicked my ass!! I didn't feel it at first, but the next day I felt like that cartoon that was flattened by a truck!  BUT.  It is so much fun!!  What I love about it is that men and women are in the class, comprised of all different shapes & sizes, nationalities and physical abilities.  Our Zumba instructor, Jeannine, is INCREDIBLE! Shemakes me wanna be a sexier woman!! LOL...she is truly a fireball of energy!   So as I limped my way over to the computer to write this blog, I am thankful that I not only got my body moving again,. but I'm having so much fun that the class flies by! Jeanine, the instructor, recognized me immediately and I almost didn't believe it.  She insisted, "I KNOW you!"
I looked at her with a blank face, "You do?"
"Yes, I know you!"
"From the other gym perhaps?"
"I KNOWWWWW YOUUUU!"
Great, now I had like 40 people looking at me!
When the class was over, she began teaching another class...I was in the locker room as I heard a familiar beat.  LOL. I walked over to the classroom and just showed her my two thumbs up, with a kool-aid smile!!  She was teaching to Come Into My Arms!!!  Wow...I was flattered!  She nodded and said, "Do you know who she is?"  LOL..I thanked her and walked away.
So for as long as I can, I will be taking Zumba lessons!!! And with some time under my belt, I will have better cardio endurance and hopefully a litle weight loss too.

Now. Last night I had a date..or I thought I had one.  For a couple of days I was talking with this man, and he offered to have a couple of drinks with me after my shift. This man looked promising. We shared similar senses of humor, outlooks on life, etc...Of course, whenever I blog about any man, he remains anonymous unless he permits me to use his name. So for lack of a better name, we'll call him Football Man.  Football man had spoken with me throughout the week and left me a very good impression. I thought to myself, Now THIS is a man! 
Yesterday I woke up, not sure of what to expect, but I was looking forward to it.  Since I'd meet him after working at KTU, it was important to go into work dressed for the date.  After spending a good forty minutes or so debating what to wear, I finally had it figured out and felt good about my choices.  I grabbed my keys, bag and cell phone. And there it was. A text:
"Hey, my brother invited me to a Jets game...maybe we can do this tomorrow night? Thanks."    

What the hell did I just read?  What was that? Are you kidding? This pissed me off on so many levels - I cannot even begin...yes, I can.  First of all, a text instead of a phone call to cancel plans?  Secondly, you chose a football game over a date that was pre-planned? Third, you don't even have the balls, I mean gall, to APOLOGIZE. Oh, my God. I will tell you something about me that you should know.  I HATE when people CANNOT say sorry, or I apologize, or when they don't even acknowledge that your feelings are possibly hurt.  Big pet peeve for me!!  It's a five letter word:  sorry. It can fix things with me in a minute.

I'm not a mean girl. I have compassion and empathy.  Inviting a man to a football game is like inviting me to a musical...Almost impossible to turn down.  If he had called, and told me that he barely sees his brother and this is a rare opporutnity. If he told me the Jets were his favorite team, and he'd see me afterward, etc. etc. I would have understood.  But to send a text and then suggest we do it tomorrow - as if I don't have a life and nothing better to do.  Oh, please.  So I know now you're wondering what did I do?  I texted him back. I am very busy tomorrow...no can do. Period. Then I went to work looking cute - on a radio program where not one person gets to see me, lol.  But then I went home and I was mad.  Suddenly a couple of men were texting me.  I answered no one back...people need to learn how to call again.  I turned off my phone, turned on the t.v. and watched misses episodes of Rome on HBO...yea, that felt a hell of a lot better!!

So in conclusion...I love zumba...I am indifferent to football.  LOL. Football is an American pasttime. Throughout my dating history, each man I dated or serious boyfriend I've had has NEVER had the patience or possessed the interest in teaching me about football. So unfortunately I equate football with being ignored...and last night just confirmed that notion. 

Love Zumba -
Hate football.

Um dear Mr. Football!  There will NEVER be a touchdown here...no field goals, no scoring!!!  I hope the Jets will cuddle you & kiss you goodnight!! LOL...