Don't know what possessed me. I missed him. I missed my Lobster...or at least I missed the fantasy of what I thought we had. But I knew this...I STILL LOVE HIM!!! I do, ugh, I really do..and I continue to secretly fantasize him coming back to me! Silly thing, I know. In my last blog, I mentioned where he failed me, but I failed to mention that he was a good man, and was better to me than anyone I'd ever known. I also failed ot mention to you all that when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, he was there EVERY SINGLE DAY for me while I was in the hospital. He made the phone calls, he talked to my mom every day, he cleaned my house, did my laundry, and took my very very sick cat of 18 years to the vet. He was the person responsible for taking me out of my depression when I was first diagnosed...
The morning after I was told I had multiple sclerosis, I had pretty much decided I wanted to die; just was trying to figure out how to do it. I know it sounds horribly morbid, but at the time, that's where my head was. I remember he came into the hospital room with a backgammon game, asking me if I wanted to play. I could've killed him.
"The LAST thing I want to do is play a freaking game! Did you not hear what I told you...yesterday they told me I have multiple sclerosis...there is no cure...I could end up crippled...and you want to play a game.?!?!"
His response: "Judy...don't think I didn't have a break down last night, because I did. I cried...a lot. But then I got to thinking, it's going to be alright."
"Judy, can you talk?"
"Can you walk?"
"Can you sing?"
"Well then as long as you can walk, talk and sing...just keep on living! Who's to say you'll be crippled? As long as you can sing, you can make it through anything.'
And just like that...he shut me up. Just like that..he was right.
The day I was released from the hospital, my 18 year old cat died and he was there for that too.
And that's just one story where he loved me...loved me for real.
Got off track. Don't know what possessed me. I texted him. He texted me asking if I was okay. I confessed that I missed him...that I had been thinking of him..and yes, that I still loved him. Ugh. That was hard to type...to put it in writing. I always have my guard up with him, because I'm afraid the Lobstser will let me down AGAIN. He was working and unable to talk, and for whatever reason, that annoyed me too...He said he missed me too, and then, I saw the bold letters slap me in the face:
I miss you too but it's hard not to clam up and tell you how I feel when you blog about the sailor boy.
Gulp. Ooh. Uh...
I reminded him again that months ago, I told him I still wanted to be with him if he'd have me...and that I did not love Navy Guy...but he did nothing about it...what was I supposed to do?
I hate to admit it...but when I got home, I plopped on the sofa and cried my ass off..
Why after two years of being separated do I still wish he'd come back to me?
Why am I still alone?
Why doesn't anyone want me?
Why doesn't the Lobster want me?
Why won't he do anything to win me back, when he has the power to at anytime?
Why did I leave him?
yes, I realize how pathetic I sound...lol. But we all have our moments...and this was mine. I thought he was the one...I thought he would be my husband...I thought he loved me enough to fight for me...I thought a lot of things...
Thank God, for the morning after...because I was calmer, not as depressed, but I needed to let it out. I just thought, "Wow...my ex reads my blog too??" Well, Lobster if you read this, life is what you make it and I won't be single forever..lol.!!