Friday, August 6th -
Life is very ironic. Received a phone call from my ex-boyfriend, who I was with for 5 1/2 years. I called him my Lobster the entire time we were together. Why? Because I believed he was always THE ONE, the one I would spend my life with, the one whose children I bear, the one I'd marry. I broke things off after many red flags had waved in my face, and I could no longer ignore them: the fact that I'd never met his parents; the fact that he'd promised we'd live together but moved without me; the fact that there were holes in some of his stories, and the fact that after 5 1/2 years together, we weren't even engaged...there was simply no real proof that said he wanted to future with me.
Anyway, the Lobster called me and immediately, I felt it. Everytime he calls, I am automatically back with him in my mind, I am automatically feeling love for him, but I am also, automatically hurt again...confused again, and angry again. For the entirety of our relationship, the Lobster had always gone to my shows and especially to Beatstock. It was always wonderful to hear him wish me luck before I walked onto the stage, to see the smile on his face when I got off and to feel the pride he felt for me....but for the last two years, I'd gone solo. I wondered if he called because he knew it was Beatstock weekend. I wondered if he called because he'd hoped I'd bring it up. I wondered if he called because he knew Navy Guy was in town. But then again...I just wondered. What did he want? Why did he call now? Just last year, I had a conversation with him...we'd gone to a wake together...and it was that night I confessed to him that he still had a chance if he wanted me back as long as he'd make time to see me and promise to have a future with me. He had asked me that night if I loved Navy Guy, and I told him I did not. I told him that I would leave any prospect if it meant we could be together again. He promised to take me to dinner...but nothing happened.
In fact, he invited me out a couple of weeks ago with less than a four hour notice, but I was SO extremely worn out from planning the music video for Stay, that I simply could not. I was exhausted...and I was not up to it. I could not physically do it. I thought to myself, it's great to be spontaneous, but if he really wanted it to be special, why wouldn't he plan it better with me? And that's part of our problem...timing. He never had time for me. I was always the one begging him for his time, and I had to accept it....now for the first time, I didn't have the time, and I had to say no.
Navy Guy called to say he was pulling up in front of my house. For a moment, I had no idea of how to greet him. I hadn't seen him since December, and since December a lot had happened. In December. I didn't exactly feel like he wanted a substantial relationship with me, and the day before he left, I told him I just wanted to be friends...that's how we left things. And then over some time, as the months passed, he'd called, angry and accusing me of "kicking him to the curb," claiming that we did have something; that he indeed considered me a girlfriend. But then again, realisitically, I knew he was drunk too, and perhaps very lonely. At one time, he sent me a message stating that when he returned he wanted to "offer a proposition."
Walking down the stairs, I had decided to see how I felt when I saw him instead of waiting to see how he felt. Navy Guy got out of the car, with a smile on his face and roses...I walked over to him, and we hugged. Yes, he was as cute as ever, and ironically we were both wearing the same color, lol. Almost immediately, he presented a box to me, white with a big, plush, silver bow. I admit, I LOVE receiving gifts...I don't get them often, so it is always exciting to me, and it always makes me feel like a little kid! I opened the box, and he was so excited. "I got it in Italy...is it exotic enough? (I teased him online asking him to find something exotic for me and he'd told me he isn't that creative.) Do you think it will fit?" I put it on...it was a jewelry set - earrings, bracelet and necklace hand-made of jade and sterling silver...very pretty, unique. He was disappointed that the bracelet was big on me...I am a big girl, with big calves, but I have little ankles, wrists and fingers, lol.
As we walked into the restaurant, we held hands..not a bad sign, I thought. At dinner we had some light conversation. We didn't have much time together as I had a show that night, but I invited him nonetheless. On the ride over, he joked around with the driver, and he seemed happy to be home; happy to be back. At the show, however, I noticed something felt off...couldn't put my finger on it. Wait, maybe I can. I noticed he was talking to one of my friends...a lot. That is fine with me, but when I was around him, he was quiet. He wouldn't dance with me, and he barely said one word. When I got home, we parted ways because Beatstock was the next day, and I needed my rest. He kissed me goodnight. Something was missing...something felt wrong...