Monday, July 19, 2010
Part 1 of 2:
Woke up in a frenzy...lots going on today. Completely sleep-deprived from all the anxiety about the audition today. Invited by his sister, I was visiting a fan who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer to raise his spirits! It was more than an hour's driving distance, and thanks to my trusty gps ( It is trusty most of the time), it kept making me make weird u-turns that made no sense at all. Anyway, I arrived to their house and the look in his face was worth the entire trip. I would've driven 10 hours to see that look! Apparently he had met me before, last year, I believe, at the Feast of Santa Rosalia, and took pictures with me then. He and his sister had framed the pictures as proof. We all spoke for a while - he was adorable; looked at me with eyes full of admiration, which I found very flattering. After some conversation and laughs, his mother asked us to the table. They were a beautiful family, obviously full of love and concern for him. I hadn't really eaten, so when we sat down I was delighted and surprised. She had made Arroz con pollo (chicken with yellow rice), salad and pasteles (sorry, don't really know how to describe it in English, except to say they're sort of "wet" burritos made with plaintains, meat and spices.) I don't like pasteles - lol - the only part of me that is not Puerto Rican apparently. I shared a very personal story with them, hoping to inspire him to fight the good fight and come out winning, and I prayed over him before I left.
Rushing to get back home, I had 27 emails, many of which were from my management. Why so many emails? Could one conversation have fulfilled the gamut of emails and questions? I began feeling overwhelmed . There was traffic everywhere!!! The plan was to come home, change, and read over the script, practice my lines for the movie I would be auditioning for in a few hours, go to my manager's office for a meeting, go to WKTU to record some commercials, and then go to the audition. Well, due to traffic, I was running late. I got home, and all I could do was feel angry that I didn't have any time to go over the lines the way I wanted. I had a headache and for some unknown reason, felt tears coming up...is it pms? Nope...too soon, lol.
Got to my manager's office on time; don't know how, but I was grateful. We sit, we discuss everything coming up...seemed like a good meeting. Note to you: When it seems like all is well in a professional meeting, just say goodbye and go!! Please do not do what I did right here -
I asked my manager, "Anything else?"
I looked at him with questioning eyes...
With his left hand, he makes a big circle around me , and while he circles, he says, "So, what are going to do...(beat of silence)...about THIS?"
Huh? Internal Puerto Rican voice - Oh, NO You di-n't!
He didn't have to elaborate...I knew EXACTLY where he was running with it.
'What's going on, Judy? You have to lose weight. There are opportunities out there, coming soon, and you have to be your best, look your best...you're a beautiful woman..
Ok, hold on...
Do you know how many men have told me, "You're a beautiful woman...but"
or "You've got a beautiful face...but"
or here's the kicker: "If you just lost like 30 pounds, I'd go out with you."
It's so hard to hear him speak and not remember all those ugly conversations with others. I know my manager means well - he knows there are sharks out there, just dying to attack. He knows my opportunites can be closed off because of my "chunky but funkiness." But it's not freaking fair.
"With all due respect, I told you when I first came to you, that you are dealing with a plus sized woman...I told you I probably always will be..and you agreed to it..."
"I know, but this next opportunity is big. - You know?"
"I KNOW!!!." I did all I could to NOT cry in front of him. I would not. I would not cry and allow mascara to bleed down my face when I know I have to go to an audition after this. That's one of the hardes things you must learn in this business - postponing your true feelings much of the time, and putting on your everything-is-happy-and-beautiful face. I don't know how I did it, but I agreed to do my best and left that office, commanding myself to put what he said aside until after the audition was over. I want to make this very clear to you - I LOVE my manager! He is a very good man - and has defended me, protected me and let me admit, has helped me make the money I make to survive. He encourages me, lifts me up and has introduced me to GREAT people! Please don't write me calling him a jerk, lol! Please, but, my God, how did Queen Latifah and Mo'nique do it??? Left for WKTU, did the commercials...now the audition.