Monday, July 26, 2010


July 19, 2010
Part 2 of 2:

I arrive at the office, bumping into the director in the elevator by accident. I was taken to the 6th floor. I was a little nervous, but I reminded myself how badly I wanted this, and it was imperative to maintain confidence, calm and show them the best "me" I could. We walk into the room -the director, Gary Terracino. the lead actor, Fabio Costabrado and me. First thing Terracino says, "You're beautiful...this is perfect, EXACTLY the look I'm looking for!!!" All I could think was, thank God...if he just knew what had been told to me. We began reading, and he was such a welcoming person with such a positive energy - he made it very calming for anyone who would be nervous. We had fun, and I thought that Aunt Carmen, the character I was reading for, was a combination of "Hilda", Ugly Betty's sister and Rosie that's how I read her....but then Terracino said, "That's good...but Aunt Carmen is precise; she does everything with purpose.." Okay, I can do that...we read some more. Then he says, "Aunt Carmen is intimidating." Ooh, that's a toughie...we had been in there for an hour or so, and it had been years since I auditioned for anything.  It was hot! I was tired., a quality I lack. I have been intimidating in the business, but only because of the name...not because of my personality.

I was quickly brought back to my college acting class at Lehman College in the Bronx, with Professor Bill. We did scenes, workshops, and sometimes improvisation...I was good at all of it. The only area that needed improvement was, excuse my language, was when I needed to be a "bitch,." Just didn't know how...I always got stuck with that.  I wasn't allowed to show anger as a kid, and spent a lot of my life intmidated by many. I was always stuck when I had to be the bad girl.

Once the director said the word, intimidating, I talked myself into thinking that I could do it. After all, I only had to recall certain relatives, who at this time shall remain nameless, lol.  I did my best. The more direction he gave me, the more convinced I felt. But then I began to, who do I look at again? How did you want me to deliver the line? I was overwhelmed...Terracino shook my hand and said, "I'll send you an email tomorrow and let you know what we decide." Damn.  That's where I thought I tanked.  I thanked them and before closing the door I said, "By the way, if you give me this role, I will work hard, take direction and will do even better!!!" Duh, Judy, why did you do that?? Ugh, it's just like the person who audtions on American Idol and says, "Can I sing another song? I'll do better.." Oh, my God.

I got into my car and began hands, my legs. And then they came. The dam of tears fially broke, and the flood gates were opened!! I cried, then cried some more...then pulled over and cried. But what the hell was I crying about?? I don't mind crying with reason and intention, but when I cry like this, I feel very lost.  Was I so sleep deprived that I was overly sensitive? Was it that I wanted this role so bad, I was scared I'd messed up in the end, and wouldn't get it? Was it that I had suppressed the nervousness so much, it had to come out in another way? Was it that I pushed away my tears at the meeting with my manager? Was it that my brain kept hearing the echo of my manager's voice:  "What are we going to do about "this?"" "Was it that I felt incredibly alone with my emotions?" So I called my best friend & I cried...I almost couldn't even speak. He listened...never interrupting me. He just listened and told me to let it all out. Then he assured me that he knows I'm talented; he was disturbed and angry about what had been said to me about my weight. The beauty of a best friend like him is that he has NEVER seen my weight; he has only seen my heart! He sees ME! He knows who I am...and without him I would've drowned in my own tears that night. "Don't worry, Judy. Go home and rest. I love me if you need me."

I went home, telling myself that I have to leave it in God's hands...told myself that whatever will be will be, and I told myself that I did my very best, and as long as I walked away knowing that, that was all that matters. I told myself that there is a reason for everything, and that if I did not get the part of Aunt Carmen, Aunt Carmen taught me a valuable lesson today - I gotta learn to be a little more aggressive when necesssary. Then I prayed, "Thank you, God, for this UNBELIEVEABLE opportunity brought to me today! I am amazed at all YOU have done for me and I give you praise, honor and glory!...I know that I tend to talk to you more when I need you than when I don't, but I need You, for real!! LOL...I'm sorry...You know how much this means to me. I want this SO bad! Please, please, please, if it is Your will, please reach into their hearts and help them believe in me enough to give me that chance. I leave it in Your hands now and I thank You again!...In Jesus' name...amen." There. That should do it.

That's what you call faith. Isn't it?  Believing in what you cannot see?  There is a scripture in the Bible that says, "If you have faith as little as a mustard shall be given to you." Or something like that...sorry not good on the Bible quotes all the time. Have you seen a mustard seed? It is VERY, VERY tiny. So I leave it in His hands...believe you already have it, Judy. Trust.

Hm, lol...and then I couldn't sleep!! Too freaking worried and anxious...I just wanted it so much for having mustard seed faith.


  1. Dear Judy my dear, Yes, you ARE beautiful BOTH INSIDE and out!!!

    Now I will reveal a secret lol. I was SOOOOOOOOO NERVOUS July 17th at the show because I had it in the deep back of my mind you would call me on stage lol!! I was hoping you would just mention my name and say a few words LOL!!!

    I am overweight for about 40+ lbs- yes I swear I am. But for me it is not a balanced over weight- it is all in the bottom half lol. Yes, I am a plus sixed woman.

    I was SOOOOOOO nervous my "seat" would show in the photos etc and even in a potential youtube video lol. Remember I am job hunting and most offices want "young pretty fairly thin" women for office workers and receptionists.

    So you say YOU were nervous?????? LOL

    Love your facebook PR girl lol

  2. Judy you will always be beautiful to me no matter what. I felt the same way like you while i was training and taking tests for the asst. supervisor position at my job. at the end of the test i just said it's in God's hands now. and then a day later i found out i passed and got the position! as you let Him have your sitiuation in his hands, you got your part! i think u were nervous because you were so tired. but you'll catch up on that. and yes what will we do without friends, especially our besties. i got nothing but love for you and i wish you luck and success with everything that is coming your way now and forever. muah! mucho besos!!

  3. ok, so we are not the average weight but we are still BEAUTIFUL!! You are a BEAUTIFUL person whether slim or NOT! What matters is how you carry yourself and present yourself and how you feel about yourself. Be happy with you and not how others view you.

    Love yah!!