July 19, 2010
Part 2 of 2:
I arrive at the office, bumping into the director in the elevator by accident. I was taken to the 6th floor. I was a little nervous, but I reminded myself how badly I wanted this, and it was imperative to maintain confidence, calm and show them the best "me" I could. We walk into the room -the director, Gary Terracino. the lead actor, Fabio Costabrado and me. First thing Terracino says, "You're beautiful...this is perfect, EXACTLY the look I'm looking for!!!" All I could think was, thank God...if he just knew what had been told to me. We began reading, and he was such a welcoming person with such a positive energy - he made it very calming for anyone who would be nervous. We had fun, and I thought that Aunt Carmen, the character I was reading for, was a combination of "Hilda", Ugly Betty's sister and Rosie Perez...so that's how I read her....but then Terracino said, "That's good...but Aunt Carmen is precise; she does everything with purpose.." Okay, I can do that...we read some more. Then he says, "Aunt Carmen is intimidating." Ooh, that's a toughie...we had been in there for an hour or so, and it had been years since I auditioned for anything. It was hot! I was tired. Intimidating...hm, a quality I lack. I have been intimidating in the business, but only because of the name...not because of my personality.
I was quickly brought back to my college acting class at Lehman College in the Bronx, with Professor Bill. We did scenes, workshops, and sometimes improvisation...I was good at all of it. The only area that needed improvement was, excuse my language, was when I needed to be a "bitch,." Just didn't know how...I always got stuck with that. I wasn't allowed to show anger as a kid, and spent a lot of my life intmidated by many. I was always stuck when I had to be the bad girl.
Once the director said the word, intimidating, I talked myself into thinking that I could do it. After all, I only had to recall certain relatives, who at this time shall remain nameless, lol. I did my best. The more direction he gave me, the more convinced I felt. But then I began to forget...um, who do I look at again? How did you want me to deliver the line? I was overwhelmed...Terracino shook my hand and said, "I'll send you an email tomorrow and let you know what we decide." Damn. That's where I thought I tanked. I thanked them and before closing the door I said, "By the way, if you give me this role, I will work hard, take direction and will do even better!!!" Duh, Judy, why did you do that?? Ugh, it's just like the person who audtions on American Idol and says, "Can I sing another song? I'll do better.." Oh, my God.
I got into my car and began shaking...my hands, my legs. And then they came. The dam of tears fially broke, and the flood gates were opened!! I cried, then cried some more...then pulled over and cried. But what the hell was I crying about?? I don't mind crying with reason and intention, but when I cry like this, I feel very lost. Was I so sleep deprived that I was overly sensitive? Was it that I wanted this role so bad, I was scared I'd messed up in the end, and wouldn't get it? Was it that I had suppressed the nervousness so much, it had to come out in another way? Was it that I pushed away my tears at the meeting with my manager? Was it that my brain kept hearing the echo of my manager's voice: "What are we going to do about "this?"" "Was it that I felt incredibly alone with my emotions?" So I called my best friend & I cried...I almost couldn't even speak. He listened...never interrupting me. He just listened and told me to let it all out. Then he assured me that he knows I'm talented; he was disturbed and angry about what had been said to me about my weight. The beauty of a best friend like him is that he has NEVER seen my weight; he has only seen my heart! He sees ME! He knows who I am...and without him I would've drowned in my own tears that night. "Don't worry, Judy. Go home and rest. I love you...call me if you need me."
I went home, telling myself that I have to leave it in God's hands...told myself that whatever will be will be, and I told myself that I did my very best, and as long as I walked away knowing that, that was all that matters. I told myself that there is a reason for everything, and that if I did not get the part of Aunt Carmen, Aunt Carmen taught me a valuable lesson today - I gotta learn to be a little more aggressive when necesssary. Then I prayed, "Thank you, God, for this UNBELIEVEABLE opportunity brought to me today! I am amazed at all YOU have done for me and I give you praise, honor and glory!...I know that I tend to talk to you more when I need you than when I don't, but I need You, for real!! LOL...I'm sorry...You know how much this means to me. I want this SO bad! Please, please, please, if it is Your will, please reach into their hearts and help them believe in me enough to give me that chance. I leave it in Your hands now and I thank You again!...In Jesus' name...amen." There. That should do it.
That's what you call faith. Isn't it? Believing in what you cannot see? There is a scripture in the Bible that says, "If you have faith as little as a mustard seed...it shall be given to you." Or something like that...sorry not good on the Bible quotes all the time. Have you seen a mustard seed? It is VERY, VERY tiny. So I leave it in His hands...believe you already have it, Judy. Trust.
Hm, lol...and then I couldn't sleep!! Too freaking worried and anxious...I just wanted it so bad....so much for having mustard seed faith.