Sunday, June 6, 2010
WHO AM I, IF I'M NOT JUDY TORRES?
It is an incredible feeling to be onstage and hear the applause...it is very validating...think about it. Some people have jobs and are never even thanked or shown appreciation. But when I sing, the feedback is instant. I'm told, "Good job...I get hugs and I can feel the love, and go home feeling appreciated for my work. It is quite awesome and humbling...and then once in a blue moon, there are times when it has its challenges.
One of the challenges I must confront is the idea of wondering whether someone is around me, or is my friend not because of Judy, but because of Judy Torres. I can usually tell when a guy (or should I say boy, lol) is just trying to date me because of the perks of knowing me or because they are my boyfriend. I never really thought about it, but I guess there are perks: free admission to venues, guest lists, backstage passes, free trips, hotels, etc. And I have to admit I have fallen victim of not seeing that sooner at least once in my life. But I'm older now, and my senses are quite keen. In fact, I can smell a man's snake skin just "using" me a mile away. But it never occurred to me that it would be someone I thought to be a friend.
Today, a part of my spirit is truly injured in a way I thought not possible. It is interesting when someone is part of my life for so long and I include them in all your important life events...and then one day, little by little I notice they only see me when there's a show, or when there's a concert...and I begin to wonder....hmmm. Suddenly, I notice that there are no more shopping trips, no more movie-going, or outings to restaurants...there are only shows and requests for the perks. And the one day I say, "I'm sorry, I don't have any more tix, or I say, why not see me when there's no show...can we just hang out " - that is the day I am told I am not a friend. Wow. Oh. Hm.
Today I am rendered speechless. Today is a day I wonder, if I wasn't Judy Torres...would I still be so cool? Would certain people be around me if I lost my position on the radio, or if I had no more music to sing? Who am I then, if I'm not Judy Torres...? That is what scares me? Is my personality enough? Knowing that I am a plus sized woman, is it possible that men made an exception and dated me because I was Judy Torres. Would a man want to be with me, love me, if I wasn't the Queen of Freestyle? Whoa...I swear it scares me as much as it makes me want to cry.
Not trying to cause drama.
But today I feel very human...no super powers...
Today, I'm bleeding a little.
Just needed to share it.
Who am I, if I'm not Judy Torres?