Wednesday, June 23, 2010
21st Anniversary of My 21st Birthday!
Woke up on my birthday EXHAUSTED...performed with the band, Mirage, the night before, and really sang my butt off, and my energy off too! I woke up to find so many texts on my cell phone.
The first one 7:39am - from the ex...this is the ex I thought was going to marry me; the one who was by my side when I first was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis; the one who deep down I know lied to me about something, but to this day have no idea what. He is the one who I truly loved & in my soul, he was a true love. I connected with him. I allowed him completely into my life...I let my guard down...all the way. He is the ex who in the end, his actions did not reflect what he'd said to me, and I had to make a hard decision to leave. His text: "Happy Birthday, Judy. I hope all your dreams come true. I love you, I miss you...I try to move forward but I can sense you right next to me...no one lives up to your standards.
Why??? Why did he do that? I've spent almost 2 years trying to get over him, and in my ways I am...but when he mentions he loves me, it literally sucks me right back to the laughter, the good times, the love and simultaneously...the anger, the confusion, and especially, the heartache. Funny, just a few months ago, he asked me if I was serious with anyone (he is aware of Navy Guy and not happy about it)...I told him that Navy Guy is up in the air, that we are still in touch, but no, I'm not serious with anyone. He then invited me to dinner...and like a gullible creature, I conceded, and I didn't hear from him until 6 weeks later!!! Ugh-same old...um, crap!!
Chicago Chico texted me...Oh, yes, I haven't updated you about him...he's the one who kissed me FANTASTICALLY in Chicago. He wished me a happy birthday. Here's the update...nothing. LOL. From time to time, he will text and as soon as we begin to talk about possibly seeing each other, he somewhat backs off, reminding me he can't get serious...what the hell is wrong with these guys? Hellooooo! If you don't want to get serious, don't even bother talking to me, ugh! LOL...He really is a sweet guy...from our conversations, I think he's intimidated to be honest. He seems to bring up that he's saving money. I think he has this preconceived notion that I am a busy jet-setter, meeting men everywhere I go, living a rich and affluent lifestyle, looking out for men with furs, cars and bling, when in fact it I live so modestly it's not even funny. I am not materialistic high-maintenance, but I admit I am emotionally high maintenance...I want romance, I want to be courted, I want compliments. I want to feel like the only woman in the room when I'm with him. And....okay, this is probably too much information..but...mind-blowing sex that leaves me dizzy wouldnt' be so bad either!!!
Navy Guy had called & I'd missed his message. I dial my voicemail.
Singing: "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you...dear, Julie....(laughter) Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, sweetheart!" Hm, wow...he never called me sweetheart before. I did receive a card from him soon after my birthday. It read: Judy, I couldn't resist this card...was way too funny. I hpe you have a great birthday. Sorry I couldn't be there to celebrate...Love ya, Navy Guy." Did he say, Love ya? What does that mean? I know when I talk to my friends and when I email my fans I always write, "Love ya." I mean it..I love the person...and at the same time, I do it in a playful, and friendly way. So is his, "love ya" in a friendly way? Or does he love me, but is afraid to say the "you"? Or do I just freaking over-analyze EVERYTHING?
Then I went online & checked my facebook page, both personal and fan page...W-O-W!!! Oh, my God...I COULD NOT KEEP UP WITH THE WELL WISHES!!! I thanked every single person and at one point, I lost it. I just took my hands off the keyboard and literally cried. I was so moved and overwhelmed by that feeling of pure love...I am truly blessed to have so many people care that much...some people that have never even met me, but they took a moment to wish me well! I was just deeply touched.
I sort of wished i didn't have to go to work that day, but I did. And that was okay. At the end of my shift, July, my ex-producer and my friends showed up with homemade cake and sang happy birtthday to me. We then went to one of my favorite places to eat in the city: Caliente Cab Company! I love their guacamole and margaritas!! They even sang happy birthday to me and, gave me a HUGE sombrero to wear!!!
When I got home, I got that feeling again. It's a feeling that is so creepy...it creeps up and me and makes me feel profoundly lonely. Yep....there I was again wondering if someone will come into my life...no. Not that someone, but THE one! LOL. I cried for a moment. Is this it? Will I be coming home alone for the rest of my life?? But then I thought about it- - -
I have the best life! I am well in spite of having multiple sclerosis. I am in good health. I am employed. I have a family who adores me. I have the BEST friends! I have the career of my dreams! I have the GREATEST fans! I am loved...and that literally wipes out the creepy lonely feeling! Happy 42nd Birthday...to me!