Thursday, September 30, 2010


I hestitated to write this blog, because there is a battle within myself to show you the best side of me, because, well, I want to inspire, to the other side of me wants to hide. But because I want to be honest, I will honor you and myself with the truth:  it's been a tough two weeks.

First, let me confess that something's been wrong physically.  I cannot give you a concrete, detailed analysis, because I don't know what it is. But I should tell you that there have been some that possibly points to the multiple sclerosis that I was diagnosed with so many years ago. I have been symptom free for years now, with just a mild tingle in my pinky finger, and sometimes a little fatigue. Otherwise...symptom free.  The possibility of another attack, relapse, may be underway.  But there are other symptoms - some swelling, some fatigue, the foot pain, just strange pains, etc., - in spite of the fact that my sugar is good and my cholesterol and blood pressure are great -  that I cannot put my finger on that's caused me to feel a bit of alarm.  I finally did go to the doctor and they've run some tests - I now put my faith in God's hands that if something is wrong, God will reveal what we need to know.  And I also put my faith in God's hands that all will ultimately be well.  It may just be the mutlpile sclerosis deciding to bring on some sort of attack, and this may be a warning. And all this is a bit discouraging because I was just beginning to work out again and found a lot of joy in Zumba classes. Doctor told me to not exercise until I see her I wait.

Another thing to confess.  This is the hard one. I think I'm depressed.  No. It's not just the "blues, but I wonder if I am depressed.  This is where I become afraid to tell you the truth.  But what is true is true.  You see, for the last two weeks or so, I have had some crying spells...I also am not focusing on things too mind wanders and I'm finding it hard to concentrate.  Some years ago, in my twenties, I did suffer from depression, and I worked VERY VERY hard for many years to find my joy again.  And yes, it was a diagnosis by a medical doctor...I suffered from it many years ago. I did years of therapy, introspection, meditation, medication for a couple of months (yea, I said it, LOL) prayer and surrender.  When I say surrender, I mean that I surrendered to the truth that I was not functioning too well - that I needed help. And I got the help I needed and wanted.  You see I believe that the ability to admit you need help is actually a sign of GREAT health; that I care enough about myself to be honest about it.  And once in a while, that black cloud tries to make a comeback, and I don't let it.  But something is wrong. I know it. I feel it. 

I have been lonely...and yes, my fans, you are wonderful to me. You think,"God, she's got hit songs, she sings all over, she's on the radio, she's got fans who LOVE her, friends and family!  She's got a great life - what's to be sad about?"  You are right. And I don't take that for granted, and yet, something is wrong.  Something is wrong on the inside that has nothing to do with any of my loved's me.  I feel it in my gut.  So before it gets me, I will get it and smother the hell out of it! LOL. Anyway, my doctor and I have decided to do a full physical first to rule out all of the physical possibilities I'm praying, I'm thinking and today, I am the hopes that just expressing this will help me figure it all out.

I wonder:  Is it that I'm lonely?  - You know I've been single for two years now. Never thought that would happen. I look around and see couples...I know they are not perfect, but damn, they have someone! I wonder why it's not me. Yes, I'm trying to be patient and I remind myself that God WILL bring someone to me...the right one.  But I am lonely. I am also frustrated, that I have recently done nothing but think about the Lobster. When I look back, which I shouldn;t but Ido, I still don't understand what went wrong and it pisses me off!  Then I'm also freaking frustrated at these idiotic men (sorry guys, I don't mean you) that talk to me, call me, text me, email me, etc...and then we make plans and I get either stood up, or they play stupid games with me. Oh, yea, this is a good time to mention that I had a date all set last week with a completely different man...and I was still stood call, no text! D-A-M-N!!!  What the...??? 

The average woman would be disappointed. The average woman would say, "His loss, the jerk- He doesn't even deserve me!!"  I do think those things, for about an hour.  Then I am devastated...and I cry. I'm too sensitive about it. I think it goes deeper than that. Oh I can psycho-analyze the crap out of this: I can say, "Well, I  have abandonment issues from my childhood, when I would wait for my father who didn't show." And even though I'm aware of it, I am still freaking devastated.  And quite frankly, I know I'm jumping around, but I haven't been the same since the whole weight issue was brought up to me...I've gone off track. Sorry.

My point is that for the last two weeks, I am constantly on the verge of tears....sometimes I let it out, but I am trying to hold it in. I don't want to upset those around me. I am afraid to say, "Mom, I think I'm depressed again."  I want to be held...does that make sense?  But I am proud of myself now that I am admitting it, bringing it into the light, instead of hiding it in the darkness where it only breeds and gets worse.  And then, I laugh...wait. I am 42 now...I could be peri-menopausal...maybe it's hormones.  By the way, yes, the doctor tested my hormone levels too, lol.  But if that's what this is - I HATE IT!!

So, in conclusion, I hope I haven't lost any fans, or potential boyfriends by this confession.  One day, I will blog the first 20 pages of my autobiography, so you can hear more.  So you may learn why this all started many years ago.  But. But. But. I wanted to show you who I am, who I can be sometimes...and yes, that even Judy Torres is just like you...and there is NO shame in that!!! Is there? NO!!!   Did I just give TMI??? LOL...Sorry, if I went there, but you know what, I am bearing a small smile of relief right now.  Have I shared too much?? 


  1. Judy, you didn't share too much. sharing this blog was just fine. i will tell you, i did start to tear up because this sounds so familiar to me. you were the one who told me i didn't survive in vain, that i survived because God has great plans for me and out of our pain, we can have great victory. that goes for you as well. this blog just shows that you are more human than ever. (not saying you weren't but you know where i'm getting at lol)i just wish and hope one day to meet you in person and get to talk to you because we are oh so similiar and i think we can help each other. well i'm not sure if i'll be a huge help for you with being a bit younger but i know having someone there that does share your pain can probably be a bit helpful. i'm sorry you had a bad two weeks and i just hope and pray everyhting will be ok for you. and for the record, you will never lose me or i can imagine most of your fans as a fan and a friend. if i may say, you're like a mother figure to me, you know exactly what to say when it comes to mind. i love ya and hope everything comes out positive! muah!

  2. My dear Judy, I have GREAT admiration for you to share your private life here in a public blog.

    I am praying you don’t have a relapse of MS. I know how devastating that would be for you.
    I can understand why you might have crying spells- maybe it is a combo of everything you mentioned – what you think is a weight issue, lack of more frequent gigs, no man in your life, getting older/possible premenopause, possible but hopefully not relapse of MS, and other things you may have not mentioned here.
    You need to remember there are people much worse off than you. And for the record, my stepdad (deceased) was manic depressive so I do have some understanding of depression.

    You have FREE housing- you always made it publicly known your ex from many years ago pays your rent for the past 23 years. You have a loving family – your mom, brothers/ sisters/ nieces and others I don’t know about. You have GREAT friends who know Judy the woman. Brenda, David, and others I don’t know of. They have been with you for years.

    Every time I met you, I still say to myself what weight issue is she talking about? You are a tall woman so you can hide your weight. Yes SOME BUT NOT ALL of your photos show you having the weight issue. I am the one with it lol. I also have asthma - stairs are a huge issue for me and not all NYC train stations have escalators or elevators.

    For the record I have been single for MANY years- some by choice, some by bad choice of men. I never married or have children. I personally tend to make better friends with women than men. Am I a lesbian? Not sure- maybe. But right now being on public assistance until I get a damn job, I am not looking. I refuse to be dependent on anyone. I am very lucky to be living with my mother so I will always have a roof over my head. I am going thru feeling non employable.I am lonely too. I miss travelling- miss my cruise ship vacation days. I am 54 – so I am beginning to have age issues- what will life be like when I am 60? Yes I think about it a lot.

    So talk to your personal close friends and your family. Maybe they can shed some light on why you may have these crying spells since they know you better than anyone besides you knowing yourself.

    For a woman your age, you are a GREAT looking woman. You have so much love in you that comes out when you perform or meeting your fans in person. You care about us fans – not many celebrities do.

    If you want to ever talk privately let me know but talk to your mom, friends and family.
    Love always
    Leslie Michelle

  3. I wanna give you a big hug right now and hold you while you let out those tears. I have to be honest too. I've wanted to tell you this for a few weeks now. With all that you've been blogging about in the past few weeks, I've gotten sad reading about it. I hate to see my friend feel this way. But the Libra in me also sees the bright side. By revealing your truth, you may also inspire others out there reading it to seek help for themselves too. I love that you're so honest on this blog. And I don't want you to change. But I do want you to feel better.
    As long as you talk about what's going on, you will find your solutions. It's best not too keep things inside. Anyway, I don't know what else to say. But you know that we're always here for you (the usual blog commentors). I'm sending you a big hug and love from your EARTH ANGEL.

    and PS. Where do I sign up for free housing? LOL!

  4. My deal Judy :) have you shared too much? absolutely NOT what else are we here for if not to make sure we stay in touch with you, the real you, Judy Torres the person. I'm sure I speak for others as well. I'm sure a lot of people don't care to know you're just human, they just want to hear about the excitement that Judy Torres the performer experiences but for some, like myself could tell you "BRAVO!" Good for you for trying to liberate yourself from this dark clowd that obviously is getting to you pretty badly. I'm not even going to comment on the"single" topic because the main thing right now is to pick up the pieces of Judy and put them together again so you could be whole again. Only when you're happy with yourself is when everthing else follows, and if you're dealing with issues then let's take care of them one at a time to be free again. You are not alone, depression could hit anyone, the grass always looks greener from the other side, I started experiencing panic attacks last year due to stress and depression :( mostly stress according to doctors, it got so bad I couldn't drive, it got really scary so I made a conscious effort to take care of myself, and pamper myself a little each week, manicure, pedicure, hair cut, a movie, a drink by a bar, NEVER exercise because I'm a lazy sack lol of you know what lol BUT I focused on each day as a new chalenge and I'm happy to report that although I'm still struggling with certain things I have accomplished little milestones :) YOU could do the same, how could YOU NOT be depressed? you hardly have time to gather your own thoughts for God's sake :( Take it one day at a time, drink more water, have a cup of camomille each night before you go to bed IT HELPS!!!! and of course each time you feel lonely remember that there's thousands of people that love YOU and if you ever feel alone and you feel the need to go somewhere for no reason just because, let me know lol I'll jump in the car with you! LOL love you <3 be well and do share anytime you want :)

  5. My dearest Judy: How I wish I could give you a big HUG right now. I wish I would have read this when I saw you on Satudrday. I'm SORRY I didn't know what you were going through. Well Ms Judy the Hug I gave you then I'm sending right now. Have you shared too much. NO!! You are Human! I ADMIRE YOU for being so open with your feelings. I look up to you. Look at what you've accomplished with or without MS. You are an inspriation to us all. I understand what if feels like to be depressed and lonely I've been their. I was single for 15yrs. Ok ok I had a booty call in between. But guess what that's all it was booty call(great sex) same person for 11yrs with no change of him loving me sad right. waste of time right. Yeah I kick myself everyday because I loved him. He didn't love me, but he loved my sex. Whatever, he's old news. I realized I was better and deserved better. Today my life is different. I won't talk about that just that you meet my partner on Saturday. I couldn't be happier with the card that was dealt for me. What your doing, writing down your feeling helps. GOD knows I still have my demons. Especially my weight I too am Chucky but Funky. But I know it has kept me from doing more with my music. Believe it or not. You,yes You Judy helped me. You make me want to be like you,you give me confidence to go on stage and shake what GOD gave me and sing like an Angel. Will my dreams come true maybe maybe not but I will keep trying.Will I have my down falls yes But I get my but up and keep going cause no one will do it for me. Believe in yourself, love yourself. Cause in the end it's all about you. Men they come and go. Work on you. When you've got you together everything else will fall into place. For now, I pray that what me and your other fans have written helps. I too am just a call away. We can all get together in my car and have a girls night out or a PJ party. Too funny us 40yrs + having a PJ party lol. Anyway baby Life is full o many surprises. Loveself because we do.
    Connie Ruiz

  6. Judy can I just say how much I love you. You dont hide anything from your fans. You show us your human like the rest. Depression is a rough thing. I know cause I deal with it myself. I have tried to work thru it but when its effecting my son I know I cant and I go back to the dr's to get help.
    I read everything you write here and on FB and though I dont comment all the time cause I figure you have enough fan comments to read I can relate to everything you write.
    I to go thru my lonely stage, I to have been stood up, lied to and filled with a bunch of BS. People tell me I need to date and you know I admit I miss the compaionship but I rather be alone then deal with the BS.
    Never worry if your fans are gonna stop being your fans just cause your real with your feelings. A real fan would be there regardless.
    Keep your chin up and remember you are human still and your not alone regardless of how differnt your life is from most peoples.
    LOVE YA!

  7. First and foremost, you have not lost this fan..NEVER will either. You are down to earth! you have proven to your fans just as real as you are. I admire you so MUCH! for opening up to us like you did..TMI? absolutely not. You touched my heart as I was reading this (tears came down my eyes, but thats ok) fact I'm crying now for you. Although, I know that was not your intention at all. I hurt when I see or feel someones pain (to think I wanted to become a cop) especially people that I care about. This is one fan who really feels connected to you from the day I met at Tribeca's in NJ many moons ago. You are like a big Sis to me (I'm 41, you have me by 1 year). Will things get better? maybe, maybe not. I know for a fact that you will not let us down Judy, better yet, YOU WILL NOT LET YOURSELF DOWN because you have the MOTIVATION, DETERMINATION and COURAGE to conquer whatever it is that is eating you up inside. Most importantly, God won't let you down, so would you let him down. NO! Six, could not have come at a perfect time. He was there to remind you just how special you really are. It is not your success that's going to make or break you. You are just as human being as we all are, but it is your inner being on how you feel about yourself. This is just a temporary set back Judy, we all go through it. So, don't think it's just you. Happy, sad, etc.. some may call it bipoar and if thats the case, we all have it then. You may not understand everything you are going through right now. But hold your head up high, knowing that God is in control. You are the APPLE in our Eyes Judy!
    Much Luv!
    Rocky, Kissimmee, FL

  8. Judy your post made me cry. last year at this time I was depressed & taking it out on my husband. I was close to losing my marriage. I went to therapy & was able to put things into perspective. What a difference a year makes. Things are 100% better. Thank you having the guts to put it all out there. You don't know how many people/women you are helping. You have not shared too much. You are human like we all are. You choose what you write. You write from the heart. With love & much respect, Eden

  9. Judy,

    I love your posts! I read them and reread them and I have to say that you really should look into writing your autobiography...I know you probably meant it as a joke but I know it would be interesting reading material for those of us who are your fans and see our lives mirrorred in your life...I see my pain, relationships and hardships mirrored in so much of your life...girl take some time out and start that'll be sort of a therapeutic'll be surprised how it may help you and how it helps us...xoxoxo