Thursday, September 30, 2010
HAVE I SHARED TOO MUCH?
I hestitated to write this blog, because there is a battle within myself to show you the best side of me, because, well, I want to inspire, to encourage...so the other side of me wants to hide. But because I want to be honest, I will honor you and myself with the truth: it's been a tough two weeks.
First, let me confess that something's been wrong physically. I cannot give you a concrete, detailed analysis, because I don't know what it is. But I should tell you that there have been some issues...one that possibly points to the multiple sclerosis that I was diagnosed with so many years ago. I have been symptom free for years now, with just a mild tingle in my pinky finger, and sometimes a little fatigue. Otherwise...symptom free. The possibility of another attack, relapse, may be underway. But there are other symptoms - some swelling, some fatigue, the foot pain, just strange pains, etc., - in spite of the fact that my sugar is good and my cholesterol and blood pressure are great - that I cannot put my finger on that's caused me to feel a bit of alarm. I finally did go to the doctor and they've run some tests - I now put my faith in God's hands that if something is wrong, God will reveal what we need to know. And I also put my faith in God's hands that all will ultimately be well. It may just be the mutlpile sclerosis deciding to bring on some sort of attack, and this may be a warning. And all this is a bit discouraging because I was just beginning to work out again and found a lot of joy in Zumba classes. Doctor told me to not exercise until I see her again...so I wait.
Another thing to confess. This is the hard one. I think I'm depressed. No. It's not just the "blues, but I wonder if I am depressed. This is where I become afraid to tell you the truth. But what is true is true. You see, for the last two weeks or so, I have had some crying spells...I also am not focusing on things too well...my mind wanders and I'm finding it hard to concentrate. Some years ago, in my twenties, I did suffer from depression, and I worked VERY VERY hard for many years to find my joy again. And yes, it was a diagnosis by a medical doctor...I suffered from it many years ago. I did years of therapy, introspection, meditation, medication for a couple of months (yea, I said it, LOL) prayer and surrender. When I say surrender, I mean that I surrendered to the truth that I was not functioning too well - that I needed help. And I got the help I needed and wanted. You see I believe that the ability to admit you need help is actually a sign of GREAT health; that I care enough about myself to be honest about it. And once in a while, that black cloud tries to make a comeback, and I don't let it. But something is wrong. I know it. I feel it.
I have been lonely...and yes, my fans, you are wonderful to me. You think,"God, she's got hit songs, she sings all over, she's on the radio, she's got fans who LOVE her, friends and family! She's got a great life - what's to be sad about?" You are right. And I don't take that for granted, and yet, something is wrong. Something is wrong on the inside that has nothing to do with any of my loved ones...it's me. I feel it in my gut. So before it gets me, I will get it and smother the hell out of it! LOL. Anyway, my doctor and I have decided to do a full physical first to rule out all of the physical possibilities first...so I'm praying, I'm thinking and today, I am blogging...in the hopes that just expressing this will help me figure it all out.
I wonder: Is it that I'm lonely? - You know I've been single for two years now. Never thought that would happen. I look around and see couples...I know they are not perfect, but damn, they have someone! I wonder why it's not me. Yes, I'm trying to be patient and I remind myself that God WILL bring someone to me...the right one. But I am lonely. I am also frustrated, that I have recently done nothing but think about the Lobster. When I look back, which I shouldn;t but Ido, I still don't understand what went wrong and it pisses me off! Then I'm also freaking frustrated at these idiotic men (sorry guys, I don't mean you) that talk to me, call me, text me, email me, etc...and then we make plans and I get either stood up, or they play stupid games with me. Oh, yea, this is a good time to mention that I had a date all set last week with a completely different man...and I was still stood up...no call, no text! D-A-M-N!!! What the...???
The average woman would be disappointed. The average woman would say, "His loss, the jerk- He doesn't even deserve me!!" I do think those things, for about an hour. Then I am devastated...and I cry. I'm too sensitive about it. I think it goes deeper than that. Oh I can psycho-analyze the crap out of this: I can say, "Well, I have abandonment issues from my childhood, when I would wait for my father who didn't show." And even though I'm aware of it, I am still freaking devastated. And quite frankly, I know I'm jumping around, but I haven't been the same since the whole weight issue was brought up to me...I've gone off track. Sorry.
My point is that for the last two weeks, I am constantly on the verge of tears....sometimes I let it out, but I am trying to hold it in. I don't want to upset those around me. I am afraid to say, "Mom, I think I'm depressed again." I want to be held...does that make sense? But I am proud of myself now that I am admitting it, bringing it into the light, instead of hiding it in the darkness where it only breeds and gets worse. And then, I laugh...wait. I am 42 now...I could be peri-menopausal...maybe it's hormones. By the way, yes, the doctor tested my hormone levels too, lol. But if that's what this is - I HATE IT!!
So, in conclusion, I hope I haven't lost any fans, or potential boyfriends by this confession. One day, I will blog the first 20 pages of my autobiography, so you can hear more. So you may learn why this all started many years ago. But. But. But. I wanted to show you who I am, who I can be sometimes...and yes, that even Judy Torres is just like you...and there is NO shame in that!!! Is there? NO!!! Did I just give TMI??? LOL...Sorry, if I went there, but you know what, I am bearing a small smile of relief right now. Have I shared too much??