Thursday, September 9, 2010
THE FALL. THE MEN. THE UPDATE!!
So it's the beginning of September and autumn is quickly approaching. It's so evident as the sun sets faster and faster each and evey day. The change in weather's already begun, tapping us on our shoulder as an announcement to change. Fall is a great season! I think of the vast array of colors on the leaves, the way the clouds seem to have different pattern formations & I already feel the texture of warm snuggly sweaters. And then I think of shorter days and odd cravings for carbohydrates. Strange, but true.
And I think of men.
Here's the update:
Navy Guy sailed away. Never heard from him again. Although I have a minor urge to call and ask, "Why?", I simply choose not to go there. "There" is that place where women go when they want closure. "There" is an empty place full of excuses that only make a woman go nuts, in determination to find the truth. It's a hole, a void that makes her go deeper into her neediness. And well, I've been in that hole too many times...it's dark down there. So how do I close that chapter? I tell myself that when a man REALLY wants a woman, he goes after her. Bottom line: He doesn't REALLY want me; he's just not that into me. The reasons that he doesn't want me won't change anything, and may actually have nothing to do with me. God sometimes has a brilliant way of keeping away someone who would be bad for you...so don't fight it.
The Lobster.. He hasn't called since the last time he offered to "get together some time." Internally, I wonder if he saw the video...don't know why I wonder, but I do. My closure with him? Never had it; never will. I know deep in my heart, there's something he left out; some strange omission that would expain everything. My closure with him is that I will never have closure. Surely chasing after the reasons will land me in a straight jacket singing Come Into My Arms off-key somewhere, on a corner pretending to be back at Roseland Ballroom.
Chicago Guy. He has been in touch with me on and off, always via text. Always begins excited and then suddenly stops. LOL. He always asks when I'll be back to Chicago, and is very engaging and then....quiet. What's he doing here? He's attempting to keep me at an option. PUH-LEASE! He's keeping in touch because he knows I return to Chicago in November? That's my guess..keep me dangling there just enough so when I go to Chicago, we can "pick up" where we left off. Oh, no my dear, you mistake me for an idiot!! LOL.
New prospects have popped up recently, but nothing that seems to stick. I've been invited to movies and a dinner - hasn't happened yet. I've also been sort of asked out by someone, but he was drunk when he asked. He's also a "fan" and that always concerns me because it may be the "persona" of Judy Torres that he's interested in - NOT me. There was another fan that I actually was attracted to and considered. I finally had the nerve to give my number, to only discover (damn) that he'd already been involved with someone else. He might have mentioned that in the first place, huh? Damn, good looking & established sexy, guy too, lol! But I told him that I don't want ANY drama. If/when he is COMPLETELY single & emotionally available, then I'd love to meet for coffee.
I did have a date the other evening. I don't know what to call him. He showed up with a smile and with a horrible smelling cologne!! Bleeagh!! It was a little too earthy, too dark, too spicy. It reminded me of the colognes I used to smell walking up and down Fordham Road in the Bronx, being sold by street vendors that were like $5.00 for three bottles, lol. Anyway, I'll call him Guy X. Guy X had a great smile, nice hair. He wore a long sleeved t-shirt and jeans with sneakers. Sneakers? Not sure if that worked out okay, but hey, why judge, right? Right? He took me to a very nice Italian restaurant, and it was obvious that he was nervous, which I always think is quite endearing. The food was good and conversation was slow to start, but by the end of dinner, there was a comfort and his personality began to emerge. It was a beautiful night with a soft breeze, so we walked along the park.
We discusssed what we were looking for. I told him that I'm not looking to "hook up", or have a fling. I told him I'm looking for a genuine relationship that would hopefully one day lead to marriage. He admitted that he used to be that guy who hooked up, but was tired of meeting the same type of women who played the field. Somehow, for some reason, I wasn't really buying it. But okay. I'll go with it for now. He stopped me and hugged me. It was a good hug. Scratch that - it was a WONDERFUL hug. And although the cologne was making my nose blees, it was nice. In fact, I haven't had a man hug me first...it's always a kiss. So I thought, it was a rather sweet & affectionate thing to do. My only issue with him at the time was that I didn't find him to be focused on life. He still didn't know where he was going with career, didn't seem to have any aspirations. Basically, he lacked passion. I don't care if I date a plumber - but I want hin to PASSIONATE about plumbing. I want him to get excited when he talks about pipes, water and repairs! ..and there's nothing wrong with not being focused, but I wonder if at this age in life, we should have some idea.
I did get lost in the hug for a second. I actually had tears in my eyes (I didn't let him see that, of course). It had been a while since I'd been hugged by a man. It was safe; it was comforting and assuring - it's amazing how two arms can make one feel so protected. I really liked that feeling. Guy X called me beautiful. He said I was down to earth, and he really appreciated that. He said he loved my height - I'm tall 5'9". As we walked back to the car...he let his defenses down...way down.
We got into the car. He began talking politics and conspiracy theories and told me to "do the research.." LOL..and then he did the unthinkable: He dissed Ms. Oprah Winfrey!!!
Make fun of what I'm wearing, disagree with my stance on politics and religion but DON'T mess with my Oprah.
He suddenly reclined the chair to what I call "thug seating conditions", put one hand on the wheel, licked his lips and presumed a Lil Wayne look in his eyes. Mr. X was gone! Yea, all of a sudden Mr. X became Mr. Gangsta!!
"So, yo, ma, check it right...I wanna get wit chu real soon."
Uncomfortable but politically correct smile.
"So yo, Imma hitch you up tomorrow, a-ight??"
I thanked him..."Thank you for everything. Sure, I'll, um, hit you up."
Yea, I'll hit you alright...LOL. I admit I have to laugh. I had fun until his inner gangster surfaced. There's nothing wrong with that at all, but it doesn't work for me. Well, I'm confident there will be more dates to come from some mystery men...and more stories to tell. But somewhere in that mix, the ONE is there. I know he is!