Don't know how to even begin this blog. Because...
How do I say this?
I f#$*d up!!
A brick just fell on my head. A lightbulb just went off in my brain. A lightning bolt just struck right through me.
I did it. It is my fault. I was so mad at him. I was so angry and hurt and disappointed that I blinded myself from something so obvious: the fall of the relationship was my fault. I know, I know, you'll say to me, "Judy, you're being hard on yourself. Judy, you're a good woman - you didn't do anything wrong." All these things are true. But...
Allow me to try to explain. And I may not even make sense right now because I've only had this revelation for the last 10 minutes, but I know I am on point because I'm literally stopped in my tracks - and the truth has a way of doing that - it forces you to stop wherever you are and get it...I can't move until I get it out.
If you follow my blog, you will know I have had a series of disasppointments in my love life; some you know - others I haven't shared yet. But what you know so far is that I've been cheated on, I've been lied to, and literally used. The Lobster made promises he did not keep...led me on, kept me in the dark, and when I supported him most, he left me behind - literally. Navy Guy, after saying he loved me, came with me to Beatstock, took pictures of the limos without me in them and after the show - I never heard from him again. And there was another who cheated with another woman & became a father; I forgave it all just to be left again. And I had a father, that although I know I love him and we have a better relationship now - but as a child, I'd be waiting for him to pick me up to realize hours later,(sometimes in the rain) he wasn't coming. So, in a nutshell...I have issues with feeling abandoned. I thought I'd worked through them, but I didn't realize that I let the anxiety, the fear - get in my own way.
I am guilty. I did not cheat on him, nor did I lie. But I am guilty of what many women do...it's this thing I'll call the instant relationship. I jumped too soon. Ugh...I'm not expressing it correctly. Not using the right words.
In other words, things in this last relationship were GREAT!!! I mean that...great chemistry, awesome and open communication, intense physical attraction, and lots of fun. I was so happy, so excited...We shared some really wonderful moments...and because it felt so good, so perfect...I became afraid. And that fear made me want to know "where is this going?" "What am I to him?" "Where does he want this to go?" Yes, these are all good questions...but there was NO reason for me to bring it up so soon. But I did...and I did on more than one occasion - I think to the point that he felt pushed in a corner.
The truth is I didn't know how to live in the moment. Guys are better at this than we are, ladies. The men always feel like, "we're just having a good time." I'm not talking about players - I'm talking about your average good guy...I was happy. I got carried away & I tried to make the relationship more serious than it was and more serious than it had to be. I didn't do this on purpose. I thought I was protecting myself. I thought if I could hear him say, "Yes, you're my girl" or "Yes, this is serious," that I'd somehow save myself from the surprise exit that had happened so much in my past. What happens when we do this too soon; when we make things more than they really are instead of living in the moment? We appear desperate; we seem anxious, afraid...and we all know that those qualities scare people, appear unattractive, and push them away from us even more.
He told me it wasn't me. But after really thinking about it today, I believe it was me. It wasn't that I wasn't pretty enough, or kind enough to him, or fun enough, or sexy enough...but I was too wound up which I believe really became unattractive. I did have a couple of friends warn me. "Judy, just take things day by day. Don't worry so much. If it's meant to be, it will be. Just have a good time. Just because certain men treated you a certain way in the past, doesn't mean this one will." I let my past scare the crap out of my present...damn! Damn! Damn!
I always tell my friends that failed relationships are only failed ones if you didn't learn a lesson from them. For the past few weeks all I kept thinking to myself was, 'I can't find the lesson...what did I do? I didn't do anything?' But now I see it. I feel it. It is clear to me...I drove him away by wanting too much too soon becuase I was too afraid to be too hurt again. So, if you are in any way remotely in the same place, STOP right now. Live by the moment. Enjoy him/her. Their presence in your life is a blessing. People are brought into our lives to force ourselves to look into the mirror. And today I just truly saw my reflection in the mirror. I am not an ugly woman - I was just too scared of a woman. I feel so bad right now. I'm not hating myself...not at all, but I'm not liking myself too much right now. Damn! Talk about regret...damn. I wish I could fix this. He would be worth it. Truly. I mean that.
If he does ever read this...Je suis desole - I'm sorry. And if he gave me another opportunity, I'd fix it. I would. Live for today...it's all you have, ladies and gentlemen!