Tuesday, November 16, 2010

TODAY AND WHAT A WEB I WEAVE THIS WEEKEND!!!

Met with my manager today to discuss future recordings, prospects, etc. I was feeling a bit apprehensive because our last meeting, well, left me slightly traumatized. If you missed that blog, let me sum it up for you in a few sentences. It went something like this:

Me (feeling really good about myself, on my way to a movie audtion): "Okay, anything else before I go?"

Him: "Well, yes." Then he slowly made a big circle around my body with his index finger. "What are we going to do...(in slow motion) about this?"

That one sentence sent me into a spiral of self-rejection, self-loathing and bounced me back to a conversation with my father. I can never forget that day - I was about 30 or so, and had broken up with a boyfriend, after discovering he'd cheated on me. I was at my father's house, sitting in the livingroom, and I was frankly on the verge of tears. I work very hard not to cry around my father. For some reason, I cannot be vulnerable around him because I feel he sees it as weakness and God forbid you show weakness to an old-world-Cuban man! He also always demands I stop crying. I guess I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable around him. Period. Anyway, I felt the tears welling up,as my father was in the kitchen warming up dinner for us, and he just happened to see me. The conversation went down like this:

Him: "Judy, Judy...what's the matter? Come on. What's wrong?"

I was afraid to say anything...so I just shook my head.

Him: "Judy, I'm your father. Come on, you can talk to your father. Tell your father what's wrong?"

I hadn't grown up with him since I was 7 years old, and he'd make occasional cameo appearances throughout my life, but I never felt I could count on him. So I thought, adult or not, this was my chance to give him a chance to be there for me. I saw it as a divine opportunity for us to bond for once. So I took a deep breath, and he put his arm around me. Here goes nothing.

Me: "Well, So & So cheated on me! I can't believe it! And to make it worse, I found out on Valentine's Day because we had plans and he stood me up...when I called him asking what happened, he said 'Judy, I keep telling you I love What's-her-face...leave me alone!' I just can't believe it."

Him: "I never liked him anyway....aw, come on. What is she - Puerto Rican?"
Me: "No....Brazilian."
Him: "Ah forget it, you lost him. Brazilian woman? You can't beat that! And anyway, I'm going to tell you something you need to hear, ok? And listen to your father because your father is right."

I thought, um, hello? What does her begin Brazilian have to do with anything? But I waited on his wisdom with doe-like, innocent eyes. I thought to myself that here was what I wanted from him; the one sentence that would make me feel better - the kind of comfort only a father could give a daughter...

Him: "Judy, no man is ever going to love you as long as you look like this."

Huh? I don't want to paint a bad picture of my father here. Just in the same way I never wanted to paint a bad picture of my manager. LOL...maybe it's a man thing. I understood what he was trying to say to me, probably what my manager was trying to say to me too. My father was trying to say to me that men are visual creatures, and this society likes their women thin. If you want success in love, want success in your career - yo'uve gotta be thin, dammit! Period. He sees it simple: lose weight, gain a man!

Anyway, back to my meeting with my manager. I sat down and waited for the word. I knew if he said something bad, I'd be devastated for another 3 weeks, and I didn't want that. The first thing he said is, "Wow, Judy, you look GREAT! How much weight did you lose?" I should have smiled, I should have been proud. Did I lose weight? Yes....in fact I lost 20 pounds. I think I lost it because I, not anyone else, wanted to do it for myself. I really enjoy Zumba classes and honestly I've been VERY happy lately. I've worked hard to heal from a lot of things, and when I'm happy it shows on the outside...and when I'm sad it shows on the outside too. LOL. My manager said, "Aren't you happy? Doesn't it feel good?" I was quite ambivalent about it. He asked me, "Are you so hard on yourself? You don't give yourself credit?" "Yes, I am very hard on myself." And although that is very true, it was really about my slight resentment toward our last meeting, and I somewhat felt cornered about it. Well, we spoke of many things and before I left his office, I was given my itinerary for this weekend. Ready? It goes a little something like this:

Friday - Illonois
Saturday - Puerto Rico
Sunday - KTU from 12 noon to 6pm.

Sounds busy but not impossible, right? Hah!! What you don't know is that there will be less than four hours each night of sleep. And I'm flying from one airport but when I depart from home, I return to a different airport...no direct flight eiher, and I have to catch the red-eye Sunday morning so I can make my shift at work. I fear I will have to be carried out either on a stretcher when it's all over, or in a straight jacket!! LOL...

I will ask this of you, in all sincerity: Please pray for me to have safe travels...It's an awful lot of flying in two days!! Okay, I'm going to appreciate rest right now, I'm going to respect it, and therefore, I'm going to sleep right now!!! Good night...Buenas Noches, Buona Serra, Bon Sois!!! Blah, blah...yawn!!

7 comments:

  1. congrats on the weight loss!! u still look great to me even if you lost it or not. maybe i need to get into Zumba myself lol. you will be in my prayers for safe travels. have fun at the concerts and give them your all! nothing is impossible for you mama! i'll be listening on KTU on Sunday. yes enjoy your sleep, like i will be doing now myself lol. muah! love ya, be safe, have a safe and relaxing trip and have fun!

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  2. Your weight loss is motivation for moi!! lol When I can afford it I will go to Zumba class as there are some around my area very close by. I never know my schedule as it is not the same every week.

    Remember the new body scans at the airports!! Praying you have safe travels and your luggage stays with you on all flights!!

    Love always
    Leslie Guttenplan XOXOXXO

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  3. Judy; I am new to this and seems like time is of an essence when it pretains to blogging. I'm glad you are able to manage this demelma we all carry as I carry it too. Keep strong and have ALways have Fun at what you do. Safe trip back to New York and Hope to meet up with you soon.
    Love always;
    Your New Freind;
    Eric Class xoxoxoxox ;)

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  4. My Dear Judy: First let me congratulate you on your weight loss. I understand how hard it is. Be proud of it and keep going. I too am a Zumba lover. I need to go more frequently. I understand your weight insecurities. I feel that that's what has stopped me from performing.
    But again you've inspired me. Thank You.
    Now as for your dad, no disrepect, but I feel that he was wrong in saying that men only like thin women. Your father's hurt me too. The way he said that was soooo wrong. You should be the light in his eyes and he should say the your beautiful no matter what size you are. Loving someone comes from within their heart/soul. Yeah, we all have a preferrance. We like tall dark and handsome or blond blue eyes or rich and famous. Some men even like obese women and so on and so on and so on. But love is love and people shouldn't be so shallow. I'm so sorry your dad said that to you. That has stayed with you all these years and it will never leave your mind or heart. Just know that it hasn't stopped you from doing your music and becoming the Queen of freestyle. Take that daddy. I think your beautiful. Your family loves you and so do your fans. I wish you great success with your future projects and safe travel. Like the songs says "I love you just the way your are!!!!!
    Stay sweet and positive.
    Love you
    Connie Ruiz

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  5. Have a safe trip and try and get some rest on the planes!! Travelling is rough, so have a cocktail or two. :) That's what I do. Congrats on the weight loss. Keep up the good work.

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  6. 2 Thumbs up on the weight loss Judy,I personally don't think you're fat or look bad in ANY way...and would never judge you or anyone on shallow crap like that~ BUT anyways...I hope you have great shows and safe flights and are able to rest enough so you don't pass out or anything!! Take care and be blessed chica! How's things with the Frenchie going? hehe
    *Hugzzzz*
    ~Bub <3

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