Met with my manager today to discuss future recordings, prospects, etc. I was feeling a bit apprehensive because our last meeting, well, left me slightly traumatized. If you missed that blog, let me sum it up for you in a few sentences. It went something like this:
Me (feeling really good about myself, on my way to a movie audtion): "Okay, anything else before I go?"
Him: "Well, yes." Then he slowly made a big circle around my body with his index finger. "What are we going to do...(in slow motion) about this?"
That one sentence sent me into a spiral of self-rejection, self-loathing and bounced me back to a conversation with my father. I can never forget that day - I was about 30 or so, and had broken up with a boyfriend, after discovering he'd cheated on me. I was at my father's house, sitting in the livingroom, and I was frankly on the verge of tears. I work very hard not to cry around my father. For some reason, I cannot be vulnerable around him because I feel he sees it as weakness and God forbid you show weakness to an old-world-Cuban man! He also always demands I stop crying. I guess I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable around him. Period. Anyway, I felt the tears welling up,as my father was in the kitchen warming up dinner for us, and he just happened to see me. The conversation went down like this:
Him: "Judy, Judy...what's the matter? Come on. What's wrong?"
I was afraid to say anything...so I just shook my head.
Him: "Judy, I'm your father. Come on, you can talk to your father. Tell your father what's wrong?"
I hadn't grown up with him since I was 7 years old, and he'd make occasional cameo appearances throughout my life, but I never felt I could count on him. So I thought, adult or not, this was my chance to give him a chance to be there for me. I saw it as a divine opportunity for us to bond for once. So I took a deep breath, and he put his arm around me. Here goes nothing.
Me: "Well, So & So cheated on me! I can't believe it! And to make it worse, I found out on Valentine's Day because we had plans and he stood me up...when I called him asking what happened, he said 'Judy, I keep telling you I love What's-her-face...leave me alone!' I just can't believe it."
Him: "I never liked him anyway....aw, come on. What is she - Puerto Rican?"
Him: "Ah forget it, you lost him. Brazilian woman? You can't beat that! And anyway, I'm going to tell you something you need to hear, ok? And listen to your father because your father is right."
I thought, um, hello? What does her begin Brazilian have to do with anything? But I waited on his wisdom with doe-like, innocent eyes. I thought to myself that here was what I wanted from him; the one sentence that would make me feel better - the kind of comfort only a father could give a daughter...
Him: "Judy, no man is ever going to love you as long as you look like this."
Huh? I don't want to paint a bad picture of my father here. Just in the same way I never wanted to paint a bad picture of my manager. LOL...maybe it's a man thing. I understood what he was trying to say to me, probably what my manager was trying to say to me too. My father was trying to say to me that men are visual creatures, and this society likes their women thin. If you want success in love, want success in your career - yo'uve gotta be thin, dammit! Period. He sees it simple: lose weight, gain a man!
Anyway, back to my meeting with my manager. I sat down and waited for the word. I knew if he said something bad, I'd be devastated for another 3 weeks, and I didn't want that. The first thing he said is, "Wow, Judy, you look GREAT! How much weight did you lose?" I should have smiled, I should have been proud. Did I lose weight? Yes....in fact I lost 20 pounds. I think I lost it because I, not anyone else, wanted to do it for myself. I really enjoy Zumba classes and honestly I've been VERY happy lately. I've worked hard to heal from a lot of things, and when I'm happy it shows on the outside...and when I'm sad it shows on the outside too. LOL. My manager said, "Aren't you happy? Doesn't it feel good?" I was quite ambivalent about it. He asked me, "Are you so hard on yourself? You don't give yourself credit?" "Yes, I am very hard on myself." And although that is very true, it was really about my slight resentment toward our last meeting, and I somewhat felt cornered about it. Well, we spoke of many things and before I left his office, I was given my itinerary for this weekend. Ready? It goes a little something like this:
Friday - Illonois
Saturday - Puerto Rico
Sunday - KTU from 12 noon to 6pm.
Sounds busy but not impossible, right? Hah!! What you don't know is that there will be less than four hours each night of sleep. And I'm flying from one airport but when I depart from home, I return to a different airport...no direct flight eiher, and I have to catch the red-eye Sunday morning so I can make my shift at work. I fear I will have to be carried out either on a stretcher when it's all over, or in a straight jacket!! LOL...
I will ask this of you, in all sincerity: Please pray for me to have safe travels...It's an awful lot of flying in two days!! Okay, I'm going to appreciate rest right now, I'm going to respect it, and therefore, I'm going to sleep right now!!! Good night...Buenas Noches, Buona Serra, Bon Sois!!! Blah, blah...yawn!!