AND THE OSCAR GOES TO....

Every year I cannot wait to watch the Oscars. I love the glamour, just like the eveyone else & I love the idea that someone's hard work truly pays off. Once an actor wins an Oscar, their career skyrockets, and their names shall forever be preceded with "Academy-Award-Winning..." and what an honor that is! But this year is a little different...

If you recall, the 5th graders of Staten Island's PS 22 Chorus peformed No Reason to Cry with me back in November for the 25th Anniversary of Freestyle Concert at Taj Mahal in Atlantic City. (I'm sorry, was that a run-on sentence? Sorry Ms. Parisi!) Well, during their own Christmas concert, Anne Hathaway, this year's co-host for the Oscars, surprised them with the news that they would perform with her at this year's 83rd annual Academny Awards!! The children burst into so much excitement that they completely drowned out Anne Hathaway and she had a microphone, lol. Their music teacher, Mr. Gregg Breinberg, is just the most inspiring human being and teacher I've met in a LONG time! He deserves SO much, and is a shining example of what being a good teacher is all about. So it is with great anticipation that I will be racing to my friend's house for an Oscar party as soon as I'm done with my shift at KTU.

Okay, so let's get down to it. Just about one billion people will be watching thet Oscars tonight...and we each have our own favorites. I had to confess that I didn't see ALL the movies nominated (first year I was unable to because this was the first time that TEN movies were nominated), but I did see the following:

Black Swan
Inception
Social Network
The Fighter
The Kids Are Alright
The King's Speech
Toy Story 3

Hey 7 out of 10 ain't bad! Okay, so my vote for Best Picture is The King's Speech or The Fighter. Inception was incredible, no doubt about it, but let's face it, stories based on factual events and people are more compelling, and Colin Firth's acting was AMAZING

So now you know my pick for best actor,lol! By the way, Mark Wahlberg was completely overlooked for best actor...when will they finally realize what a wonderful actor he is. I think he's such a natural that it's easy to underestimate his talent. My vote for best actress, hello...duh...Natalie Portman. She acts with a certain sense of desperation and vulnerability that is truly captivating. And the poor thing lost 20 pounds for the role...bendito, she was hungry!!!! But her portrayal of a prima ballerina wss magnificent. She's come a long way, and I think tonight, she will be honored...we'll have to wait and see.

For best supporting actor my pick is Christian Bale in the Fighter. First of all, he pulled of a Boston accent and he's not even from America...secondly, playing a strung-out-almost-made-it-to-the-top who was addicted to crack is a VERY difficult thing to pull off. And when you see the movie, you cannot take your eyes off of him. He was just on e of the most believable actors I've seen in a LONG time...and if he doesn't win, I'll be kind of angry. If not him, then I believe it will be Geoffrey Rush in The King's Speech. He really is a phenomenal actor and he usually outshines everyone in all his movies. For best supporting actress, it MUST be, HAS to be Melissa Leo from the fighter!! She was brilliant as a dysfunctional, "trashy", mother who although loves her sons, she stands in their way too, She was loud, she rambunctious and flamboyant...but she was also a mom...a mom of 9. I just recall watching the movie and thinking, "WHO is this woman? Where did she come from and why haven't I heard of her before?" I hope she gets it.

Well that'll do it for me. I don't pretend to be a film critic - just a yong woman who appreciates the cinema and ALL the work that goes into it...after all, I was cast with a minor role in a film called Elliot Loves, scheduled to be released in the summer. I only had three lines and it took almost 18 hours to get 2 scenes done, so I can imagine the time-consuming, stressful and hard work that goes into film-making. Thank you, film makers, for begin brave enough to put your ideas on film so we can be entertained and inspired!!!

MS. TORRES' OPUS 2011

I received an email from a graduate from my alma mater of four years later, Margaret Goulet, a teacher at PS 189M in Washington Heights, NY. She explained that the music programs in schools are being cut, and their school's music program is thriving with very talented children who could use inspiration from someone in the music business. I was invited there, and Tuesday, February 8th, I arrived to speak with the students. I didn't bring any speeches because I have learned from past experiences that the children don't want speeches; they don't want to be spoken "at", they want to be spoken "to".

I arrived and was taken to the auditorium, which was of a nice size. No one was there yet, but I was introduced to the music teachers and then was taken to the library to wait until my appointed time. Somewhere around 1:30pm or so, I was escorted to the auditorium. There they were, perhaps around 200 or so children. All those eyes on me as I walked down toward the stage. And I find it amusing that I found myself wondering what they might be wondering. What were they thinking?? Were they thinking, "Wow. She's big!" or "Where' the bling?" or "Doesn't she have bodyguards?" LOL. I know, sad, but true. But then I tell myself what almost gets me through anything almost every time: Just be yourself! I was introduced to the 5th graders and then all eyes were on me. Hm, I'm a little out of my element. Most of the time, when in front of any crowd, I am a bit more relaxed knowing in advance that most people PAID to see me...I know in advance that they came to see me. This was a little different - they were brought to see me. Children have an inborne talent of knowing the truth...it doesn't matter what you're wearing, or what you say, the way a blood hound hunts down the prey, children hunt down your sincerity - they want to know that you are truthful.

I took the microphone...looked out at them, and broke the ice: "Waaaazzzzzuuuupppp!!!" They laughed, and I smiled and thus began my talk about where I had come from: oldest of 5 siblings, raised by a single mother in the Bronx, on welfare, but knowing the entire time that I wanted to be a singer. Then I told them how I was discovered: at a local gong show in the Bronx, by a man who had NO experience in the music business - just a heart of gold wanting to really help me. I went on to tell them how I recorded my first song, and what it felt like when I heard my song on the radio.

I brought along my "visual aids." - Photographs taken with celebrities & autographs of celebrities wishing me well, etc. When you speak to children about being a "celebrity", but they've never heard of you, the easiest way to get them to be more open minded is to SHOW them where you've been, who you've met and of course show them all the cds released along the way. Their questions always amuse me: "Judy, do you know Pitbull? Do you get scared before you sing? Can you sing for us?" Ah, I always get the last question...and singing for the children somehow makes it real for them, so I never say no. (I just tell them that I will sing AFTER the talk.)

I love 5th graders. They have a gleam in their eye, knowing that anything is possible...they still have hope, they have dreams and they are open to working hard. The talk was over, and then Ms. Goulet said, "Ms. Torres, before you go, we are going to take you back to 1018 and Roseland." She asked me to take a seat in the audience...And then they walked onto the stage: about 8 chorus girls to my left, 20 or so children with recorders in hand, 8 boy steel drum players, and here's the kicker: about 12 violinists! There is something about the violin and cello that almost always move my heart in a way that makes it beat faster...to me, the strings "cry" out the emotion of a song. The music teachers, one on drums and the other conducting, joined them and they began to play.

For 24 years, I had heard the "strings" on my songs, but they were computerized...but then I heard the children playing the string line from one of my favorite songs: Come Into My Arms. Be still my heart! I was rendered truly speechless. My heart began to pound...I looked around and they were all smiling. They were performing Come Into My Arms for me! For me! Wow...and then, you already know what happened: I cried. How could I not? I realized rather quickly that they must have been rehearsing this for a long time; that they had to be taught a song they most likely had never heard....and they played it for me. I can't explain why I was so moved, except to say that I felt VERY validated and affirmed as an artist. I think it's quite interesting that performing at Madison Square Garden should make me feel far more validated. And it did...don't get me wrong, BUT...the children...when the children played the song for me...I was honored. I felt like the luckiest person in the world...or as my mom would say, "blessed, Judy, not lucky. There is o such thing as luck." LOL.

I was immediately taken back to the movie, Mr. Holland's Opus, starring Richard Dreyfuss. And if you have never seen it, you honestly need to. It is a story about a teacher who gave up his life long dream of becoming a famous composer and musician in order to teach children at a school. He wss somewhat forced to teach as a means to make a better income because he and his wife were suddenly expecting a child. Mr. Holland always had plans to leave teaching, but before he knew it, 30 years later...he was still a music teacher...and to his heartbreak and surrpise...he was fired. On his last day, he hears something in the distance, and when he enters the auditorium, the students both present and from years past, are there to celebrate him and his life's work. And then to his amazement, he discovers that his students have prepared his symphony, which he had kept a secret for so many years. It is one of those, Randy-pass-me-a-tissue moments, and I cried like a baby. And when the 5th graders of PS 189M played Come Into My Arms for me, I knew EXACTLY what Mr. Holland felt. It was a privilege and an honor...and I felt that all these years of hard, hard and sometimes unrecognized work, was finally being recognized and appreciated. What an honor!! I am humbled...to hear your own song being played for you by children...it's the closest thing to hearing angels sing thatI could experience!

I spoke to the children afterward, I took some pictures and I even spoke to some parents afterward....I went home feeling so happy. And later that night, I received an email from Ms. Goulet thanking me, and informing me that the children were so excited that a real singer came to visit them. She said that they "got so much out of it." No..no...I beg to differ. I was the one who got so much out of it...they gave me a gift that I shall take with me even 'til the day I die. There is no better feeling than giving to those who need, and no better feeliog to love and be loved!And for one glorious day, I heard through the hands and ears of children - Ms. Torres' Opus!!"

For Those Who Have Loved, Been Loved, Lost Love & Pray For Love

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I'd like to post 3 songs that I love: one for those in love, one for those who've been hurt from love and one for those praying for THE love of their life. I hope you appreciate it!

1. For those in love:
SEDUCES ME (CELINE DION)

Everything you are, everything you'll be
Touches the current of love so deep in me.
Every sigh in the night - every tear that you cry...seduces me.
And all that I am, and all that I'll be -
Means nothing at all, if you can't be with me.
Your most innocenty kiss or your sweetest caress...seduces me.

I don't care about tomorrow. I've given up on yesterday.
Here and now is all that matters -right here with you is where I'll stay.

Everything in this world, every voice in the night -
Every little thing of beauty, shining through in your eyes
And all that is you becomes part of me too
Cause all you do seduces me.
And if I should die tomorrow
I'd go down with a smile on my face.
I thank God I've ever known you
I fall down on my knees for the love we made.

Every sigh in the night...every tear that cry...seduces me.
And all that you do - seduces me.

2. For those who've been hurt from love:
BETTER TO HAVE LOVED...Idina Menzel

If the sun went down tomorrow and it never came back
And the city went quiet and we fade to black.
Well I,I won't have a single regret, and I wouldn't change a thing.
'Cause I never knew I could feel what I feel inside of me

Better to have loved than never loved at all
Better to have dreamed than never taken the fall
Better to have held you and let you in than
Never to have touched your skin.
Better to have hurt and screamed and cried
Fallen to the earth for a trip to the sky
Better to have loved...you.

I knew all of the time I was taking a chance.
When I stand there at the edge of the cliff and
No one was holding my hand...
Well, well the wind blew strong - and the clouds rolled in
And I felt my slipped off the ground
Yes I bared my soul, and I dared to go
Knowing one day you might let me down.

Better to have loved...
I gave you everything, but you had said goodbye.
You said goodbye...

3. For those praying for love:
Ready For Love - India Arie

A few years ago, I went to see Sade in concert at Madison Square Garden, and this woman I had never heard of opened up for her. She sang this song & I was literally captivated...

I am ready for love - why are you hiding from me?
I'd quickly give my freedom to be held in your captivity.
I am ready for love - all of the joy and the pain -
And all the time that it takes just to stay in your good grace.

Lately I've been thinking maybe you're not ready for me.
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for, 'cuase you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow, I'd say the same thing:

I am ready for love. Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here.
If you give me half a chance I'll prove this to you
I will be patient,kind,faithful and true
To a man who loves music, a man who loves art -
Respects the spirit world and thinks with his heart.

I am ready for love - if you take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach...
And do the best that I can.
I am ready for love - here with an offering of
My voice, my eyes, my song my life
Tell me what is enough to prove that I'm ready for love?

I know, I know it's all very corny, but hey, I can't help myself...I have no Valentine and this stuff makes me feel happy!! Love you! LOL - By the way you can sell all these songs' videos on youtube!

"WHAT SO PROUDLY WE HAIL..." CHRISTINA'S NATIONAL ANTHEM

Tonight, was Super Bowl XLV! Yea, yea, I confess, I really don't care much for football...I care about it as much as it cares about me. But I deinitely watched one of the singers I admire, Christina Aguilera, sing the National Anthem. So many things come to mind whenever the National Anthem is even mentioned. Firstly, it is a brilliantly written song! And if you pay close attention to it, it gives an intense visual of the sights of war: "...and the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air..." And if you really listen to how the melody rises perfectly with the right words, it should ALWAYS deliver chills to the listener. Our National Anthem, to me, is one of the greatest ones written; although I'm sure every person feels that way about their own national anthem - no matter what country they are from.

Another thing that comes to mind is how difficult it can be to memorize the American National Anthem. Have YOU ever personally tried to memorize it? Not the easiest song. One of the reasons most songs written actually rhyme is to make it easier for the listener to remember the words. Not true with the National Anthem. When I was attending Aquinas High School in the Bronx (Class of '85), my choir director and mentor, Mr. Roman, literally went insane when someone, anyone forgot the lyrics to the anthem. I mean his face would turn red, his blue eyes went black (at least that's what it looked like from my standpoint) and his voice went to such volume that one could hear him from the principal's office...and his classroom was in the basement! I remember him saying, "Dammit!!! You are an American...EVERY American should know the national anthem! What kind of American are you??? Jesus!!" Then with his veins popping through the side of his temple, he would sit down in defeat and throw anything within his reach onto the floor. And then...
Silence.

I never forgot that for some reason. His words rang in my head for years. And thank God it did. Four years after graduating, 1989, there I was performing in Flushing Meadow Park, Queens for World's Fair. The Gipsy Kings were headlining, and I had the fortunate blessing of being introduced to them. I didn't understand one word they said...I can tell you it wasn't Spanish. It was a mix of Spanish, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Oh, sorry...back to the story. All of a sudden, Al Bandiero, one of the dj's for HOT 103, came screaming out, "Does anyone know the National Anthem? The person who was supposed to do it never showed up and the show can't start until the National Anthem is done." I was a little hesitant but I raised my hand. There I was onstage, alone...no music, no lyric sheet and Mr. Roman's face bursting in my head. "Oh, say can you see..."

Fast forward to 1993 or so. I found out that the NJ Nets were holding auditions for National Anthem singers. I wanted to be one of them so bad. I had already been singing professional for years, and Iknew all the words. I auditioned and it was harder than expected. As you sing, you hear the line you already sang come right back at you while you're still singing. It gets very confusing...and you basically hear your own echoes delayed for a second or two. It is not just confusing' it's annoying! I was finished. I felt pretty good about the whole thing. Then I got the letter: "Dear Ms. Torres, we regret to inform you that you have not been chosen for this season..." WHAT?!! Do they know who I am?? LOL...Yes, for a second I was full of myself. Sad, but true.

This is what was written about Christina Aguilera's performance tonight of the National Anthem at the opening of the Super Bowl (link:http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Video-Christina-Aguilera-goofs-up-the-National-?urn=nfl-317568): " Perhaps she was too concerned with breaking Patti LaBelle's record for turning single-syllable words into entire paragraphs during the singing of "The Star-Spangled Banner," but noted ex-teen queen Christina Aguilera botched the national anthem something fierce before the Super Bowl. Aguilera started out all right, but she had a problem with the ramparts -- specifically, the "O'er the ramparts we watched" line, which she left out altogether.Aguilera tried to make up for it by combining two lines -- "What so proudly we watched," instead of "What so proudly we hailed", but let's just say that it was too late to reverse the error. Twitter blew up, and all Aguilera could do was to oversing every word from there on out, which she most certainly did."

My point?

Leave Christina alone!!! Oh, my goodness, have YOU ever tried singing it in front of over 100,000 people....acapella...I'm sorry but I have here what I call "singer's compassion." As a fellow singer, let me just tell you...it is a FREAKING TERRIFYING experience to sing at a stadium. It's not the same as when you sing for a concert. Yu sing your own music, with your own tracks or band in the background and everyone in the audience PAID to see you because they are ALL fans!! Not so in this situation...All eyes are on you. She's singing acapella which means she has to stay on key no matter what she does. Not too many people are very good at doing that. Take another look at American Idol auditions and you will see that some pretty good singers lose out on their chance because they're "all over the place" with the key of the song. Then she's got to worry about all that echo coming back, which can throw off almost anyone. Who knows what was happening in her head. Yes, she's a pro. Yes, she's a seasoned performer. Yes, she's great and level of expectation from us is far greater!! But that's my point, we ALWAYS expect greatness from her...and God forbid she doesn't deliver EVERY...SINGLE...TIME! And sure, one could argue that it might be nice to hear her sing the melody without all the runs and rifts and screams, etc...but that's her style and you know it. Why would she sing any differently. Actually I was impressed that she did all those runs and didn't forget what key she was in to begin with. LOL.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just a nice person. Perhaps it's that I realize that there has been a rare occasion when I forgot the words...to my OWN songs...or times when I cracked in the middle of a high note. I say, "Good job Christina!!! You were great~! And when you messed up the words, like a REAL PRO, you kept going...you didn't make it obvious that you flubbed. In fact, I'd bet anything that if there weren't a whole bunch of articles and tweets about it, 1/2 the audience wouldn't have even noticed it. By the way, Ms. Aguilera, you were FANTASTIC in Burlesque!" ...Applause, applause!!

LOSSES AND MISSES

My sleep was disturbed yesterday morning when my brother called me to ask me to speak with my mom. My mom's dog, Roxie, died this morning. My mom was crying...hearing or seeing or knowing that my mom cries for anything is almost intolerable to me. I never feel so helpless. I tried my best to comfort her, but I know what she was feeling. About 3 years ago or so, I lost my two cats, Floofie & Mooshka...they blessed me with their presence for 18 great years. I was hoping for 20 but it didn't work that way. So I go to thinking about losses and misses.

LOSSES:
There are different types of losses. There is material loss. This is loss of home,job, investment, etc. Material losses can literally cause you to STOP in your tracks. It brings about fear, real and concrete anxiety, and tend to make you question your worth, e.g. how successful you are in life. I have found so far in my own life experience, that as devastating as these losses are, they really are all replaceable. And I have noticed that these type of losses usually indicate that something better is coming, and open your life to second chances. You may not feel very positive about it when you're in the eye of the storm. However, in about a year or two when you look back, you will find an an odd way that you are grateful for all that happened.

EMOTIONAL LOSS:

Then there is emotional and abstract loss. You can't quite hold onto it, and the loss tends to never ever be replaceable. Emotional loss brings about the most INTENSE and OVERWHELMING feelings you will ever experience in your lifetime. It is the Emotional Loss that can literally bring you to your knees, knock you out, take the world out from under you, make you cry out in a way you never thought you could, and put a whole in your heart that most likely can never be filled (or at least sometimes, that's just how it feels). This type of loss is usually due to loss of a relationship, a lover, a friendship, parents, children...basically it's a personal loss...a loss of a person. And I have experienced these type of losses in my own lifetime as utterly agonizing. These type of losses truly put a huge mirror in your face, forcing you to find out more about who you are, how you felt about a person, where you can improve on yourself or others. It also makes you question if you are/were good enough? But these losses are IRREPLACEABLE because each person on this earth is so divinely unique. How can anyone really be replaced at all? Your experiences with these people are unique as well.

Some of these losses are necessary. Sometimes the cliche is true: "Sometimes people are in your life for just a season, or for a reason, or a lifetim." There are times when some relationships outgrow each other, and the relationship no longer serves either party. There are times when the relationship you have with the person has simply become toxic...it just took you a LONG time to wake up and see it. These "losses" are needed for your emotional and spiritual (and in desperate situations - physical) well-being. So the loss is hard, you feel it, but one day you look back and you don't feel regret. You are affirmed through your own life's improvements that you made the right decisions.

And there are romantic losses. For me, personally always a real rough one. For men (and I could be wrong), I think they don't truly feel the loss until, oh, I don't know, six months to a year later. They suddenly "wake up" and say, I let that good one get away. Women, on the other hand, go into sheer panic and anxiety and before you know it, they are behaving in ways they would never IMAGINE; making fools of themselves and ultimately without intention, making him run further away. These losses have GREAT lessons in them...I believe that the loss of a relationship is only a real "loss" or failure if you didn't learn anything from it. No one should walk away blaming the other person for 100% of the blame. Sometimes you have to ask yourself if you did anything directly or indirectly that contributed to the break. Either way, the longer you were together, the longer it takes to get over it. There's a belief that it takes 1/2 the total time the relationship lasted to get over it. For me, absolutely NOT true!!

But then, the loss of someone through death...Hmph! You just don't get over that, do you? And then of course, you are forced to question if you treated that person with kindness...you are forced to ask yourself if you could have done more, given more, loved more. These are the losses that change you forever. These are losses that are the exception to "time heals all wounds." Not true. Then there are what I call "misses."

MISSES:

When you lose, you miss. If you lose something, you tend to miss it, or you miss the security you thought it gave you. When you lose someone,you WILL miss them...you may miss the good times you had together; the way that person looked at you; the intense pleasure they gave you (you know what I mean); and the comfort of knowing that this person was not just a partner but a really good friend. You miss the special places you went to together, or the little rituals that you uniquely shared and you KNOW you most likely won't experience with another human being. But it leads me to wonder: does that person experience as much of a loss as you did? Does the other person think of you, or do they truly miss you...and lastly, what keeps both parties from DOING something about it instead of just missing...

I was just thinking about it. I've had lots of losses and many misses but all in all, a GREAT and fulfilling life!! I'm just saying...lol.

THE COURAGE TO STAND...ON STAGE!!!

When someone stands in front of a microphone, who are they?
When someone stands in front of a microphone, what does it mean?
When someone stands in front of a microphone, how did they get there?
When someone stands in front of a microphone, why?

I was watching Oprah's All Stars on the OWN network tonight. There was a young talented woman, who sought Dr. Phil's advice about how she could get over her incredible stage fright. As she spoke with Dr. Phil about her concerns, she began to cry. She talked about how frightened she was. She described the physical changes that she not only went through, but the changes that actually took over her to the point where she simply couldn't perform. And then she got to the real truth: she was self-sabotaging herself because she was afraid of the "what-if's". What if I fall? What if I forget the words? What if I sound bad? What if my voice cracks? And the ultimate and most debilitating one: What if they don't like me? What if I'm not good enough?

Even if you're not a singer, you've experienced that "what if" feeling. It may be when starting a new job, or when presenting a crazy, new idea to someone at work or in your own family, when you have to give bad news to a loved one. You know, deep down, the fear is essentially about rejection. We all want to feel accepted. We all want to know we belong, that we feel validated...and as simple as it sounds...that we...are...liked. That is how the majority of people experience these thoughts and fears in an average every-day setting. So take that one step further, and imagine feeling all that and then having to stand in front of strangers, sometimes thousands of strangers...what do you feel now?

The microphone, in my eyes, is actually an audio version of a microscope. It picks up EVERYTHING! I've heard people say many times, "If I can just have a microphone, I will sound better." That is such a false perception. The mircophone will simply magnify what is already there. So if you are nervous, that EXACT nervousness seeps into that microphone through the wires, and out to the speakers for all to hear. If you are off key, it not only sounds off-key, it sounds loudly off-key. Ah, and then there is the spotlight.

So if the microphone is a microscope, what is the spotlight? That's right. The spotlight is the magnifying glass. It ENLARGES everything that is there. So if you are nervous, if you are shaking, if you are sad, if you are happy...that spotlight makes it that much larger! Oh yes, and the spotlight makes the truth more visible. If you are sad, if you are insecure, if you have ANY doubt about who you are, about what you can do, the spotlight will swallow you alive like a nuclear cloud!!!

And the stage? The stage is a blank canvas. When that person walks out onto the stage, it is a blank canvas for that person to write on...what will they create? What feelings will they evoke? What impression do they leave when they walk off? And when your performance is over, that's it. It is permanent...and just like yesterday, you cannot do it over again.

Think of all these things. And for a moment, make believe you are standing off stage, there are 10,000 people out there waiting to be entertained, and you're listening to the emcee say, "Up next...put your hands together for..." There is applause, but it's polite applause because no one's ever heard of you before. So you take that first step toward the microphone. As you walk, are you shaking? Is it in your legs, or your hands? Is your heart in your throat? Are you having doubts? What's going on in your head?

When I first walked on stage to perform No Reason to Cry, I felt all those things. But mostly, all I kept thinking was 'Oh, my God! Oh, my God! How am I going to do this? My heart. I didn't know my heart could be so loud. Have you ever heard your heart beat louder than the external sounds? You will NEVER feel more alive, nor will you ever be more afraid. Think about a time when someone scared you, caught you off-guard and threw you off so unexpectedly that your soul literally jumped out of your skin. That is how I felt. I walked out onto the stage. I had waited for this moment for 17 years, and I had a chance to finally do what I dreamed of doing. I walked out onto the stage, and there they were: these strangers called an audience. They weren't people - at least it didn't seem that way - they were just eyes...eyes everywhere. Eyes looking up and down, hopeful eyes, curious eyes, judging eyes, scary eyes. And I began to talk into the microphone: "(Ahem) Hhhhhhiii." Holy crap....what am I supposed to say? The music started. I began to move side to side to the beat, and I opened my mouth. HUH? What the hell was that? Oh, NO! That's not me?! That cannot possibly be me. I wasn't even 30 seconds into the song, and I SUCKED! I sounded too nervous, too out of breath, and I'm almost certain I looked like a deer in headlights! That night is kind of a blur to me. I do remember sitting in my first limousine (it was more like a hearse, but it was black and it had tinted windows and a driver..so it was a limo, dammit!) and I remember crying the entire ride home, while everyone reassured me that it wasn't "that bad."

I continued to perform that way for another 6 months. And finally, I think I Cher-smacked myself, like Cher did in Moonstruck, and I "snapped out of it!" I finally told myself that if I truly wanted this, if I truly wanted to be a recording artist, I had to STOP being so scared. I began to tell myself that the level of nervousness simply reflected how much I really cared. So, I cared a LOT!! I began to tell myself that I was allowed to be as nervous as I needed to be, that I could freak out, cry, doubt myself as much as I wanted to OFF stage. I also learned that a pre-show routine was necessary. My personal choice is a little quiet before the show (I've had a lot of people misunderstand my silence. And they've asked, "What's wrong with Judy?"). I also MUST say a prayer everytime. So if you happen to see me with my head down before a show, I'm not shunning anyone, and I'm not being anti-social. This is what I do...Oh, yes, and I have to have my room-temperature water, lol. The water to me is like the blanket is to Linus of the Peanuts cartoon.

Twenty-four years later, I still get that rush. I still feel my heart in my throat. I still shake inside, and sometimes I will catch that inner monster of a voice saying, "Oh, my God...my voice is not 100% today" or, "What if I crack? What if they HATE the new song?" But I tell it to shut up. Yep, just like that. Shut up!! And I've made a deal with myself many years ago: I told myself that once I greet the crowd...I am not allowed to be scared anymore. And it has worked 99% of the time. Because I have been on stage for more than 24 years now, the microphone feels like a tool for me to send a message of joy,love and good memories; the spotlight feels like a sun warming my skin, and the stage feels like a living room where I entertain my friends!! I have been blessed with good recordings that have succeeded, I have been blessed with wonderful opportunities to hone my talents, and I have been blessed with people in the audience patient enough to watch me evolve and support me during the process. It hasn't always been great - I've fallen onstage, I've had blouses fall off, pants rip, zippers forgotten to be zipped up, I've forgotten the lyics...and all the bad "what-ifs". But you know what? I survived. I didn't shrivel up and die. I've had moments of sheer embarrassment, but I am still here. And I am loving what I do! Why did I write this blog today? I have a favor to ask:

Please.

Next time you see someone walk onstage, and you have no idea who they are, or whether or not they possess talent, and you don't know if you will be entertained...

Please remember how scary it is just to walk up onto the stage, how terrifying it can be to open your mouth, and remember that you are part of those gazing eyes that lay upon that person. Just be compassionate. You don't have to lie, but please give that person the benefit of a smile....and if you respect the courage it took for them to stand there...applaud!!!

IT WASN'T YOU...IT WAS ME! AND MY LIGHTBULB MOMENT...

Don't know how to even begin this blog. Because...
How do I say this?
I f#$*d up!!
A brick just fell on my head. A lightbulb just went off in my brain. A lightning bolt just struck right through me.

I did it. It is my fault. I was so mad at him. I was so angry and hurt and disappointed that I blinded myself from something so obvious: the fall of the relationship was my fault. I know, I know, you'll say to me, "Judy, you're being hard on yourself. Judy, you're a good woman - you didn't do anything wrong." All these things are true. But...

Allow me to try to explain. And I may not even make sense right now because I've only had this revelation for the last 10 minutes, but I know I am on point because I'm literally stopped in my tracks - and the truth has a way of doing that - it forces you to stop wherever you are and get it...I can't move until I get it out.

If you follow my blog, you will know I have had a series of disasppointments in my love life; some you know - others I haven't shared yet. But what you know so far is that I've been cheated on, I've been lied to, and literally used. The Lobster made promises he did not keep...led me on, kept me in the dark, and when I supported him most, he left me behind - literally. Navy Guy, after saying he loved me, came with me to Beatstock, took pictures of the limos without me in them and after the show - I never heard from him again. And there was another who cheated with another woman & became a father; I forgave it all just to be left again. And I had a father, that although I know I love him and we have a better relationship now - but as a child, I'd be waiting for him to pick me up to realize hours later,(sometimes in the rain) he wasn't coming. So, in a nutshell...I have issues with feeling abandoned. I thought I'd worked through them, but I didn't realize that I let the anxiety, the fear - get in my own way.

I am guilty. I did not cheat on him, nor did I lie. But I am guilty of what many women do...it's this thing I'll call the instant relationship. I jumped too soon. Ugh...I'm not expressing it correctly. Not using the right words.

In other words, things in this last relationship were GREAT!!! I mean that...great chemistry, awesome and open communication, intense physical attraction, and lots of fun. I was so happy, so excited...We shared some really wonderful moments...and because it felt so good, so perfect...I became afraid. And that fear made me want to know "where is this going?" "What am I to him?" "Where does he want this to go?" Yes, these are all good questions...but there was NO reason for me to bring it up so soon. But I did...and I did on more than one occasion - I think to the point that he felt pushed in a corner.

The truth is I didn't know how to live in the moment. Guys are better at this than we are, ladies. The men always feel like, "we're just having a good time." I'm not talking about players - I'm talking about your average good guy...I was happy. I got carried away & I tried to make the relationship more serious than it was and more serious than it had to be. I didn't do this on purpose. I thought I was protecting myself. I thought if I could hear him say, "Yes, you're my girl" or "Yes, this is serious," that I'd somehow save myself from the surprise exit that had happened so much in my past. What happens when we do this too soon; when we make things more than they really are instead of living in the moment? We appear desperate; we seem anxious, afraid...and we all know that those qualities scare people, appear unattractive, and push them away from us even more.

He told me it wasn't me. But after really thinking about it today, I believe it was me. It wasn't that I wasn't pretty enough, or kind enough to him, or fun enough, or sexy enough...but I was too wound up which I believe really became unattractive. I did have a couple of friends warn me. "Judy, just take things day by day. Don't worry so much. If it's meant to be, it will be. Just have a good time. Just because certain men treated you a certain way in the past, doesn't mean this one will." I let my past scare the crap out of my present...damn! Damn! Damn!

I always tell my friends that failed relationships are only failed ones if you didn't learn a lesson from them. For the past few weeks all I kept thinking to myself was, 'I can't find the lesson...what did I do? I didn't do anything?' But now I see it. I feel it. It is clear to me...I drove him away by wanting too much too soon becuase I was too afraid to be too hurt again. So, if you are in any way remotely in the same place, STOP right now. Live by the moment. Enjoy him/her. Their presence in your life is a blessing. People are brought into our lives to force ourselves to look into the mirror. And today I just truly saw my reflection in the mirror. I am not an ugly woman - I was just too scared of a woman. I feel so bad right now. I'm not hating myself...not at all, but I'm not liking myself too much right now. Damn! Talk about regret...damn. I wish I could fix this. He would be worth it. Truly. I mean that.

If he does ever read this...Je suis desole - I'm sorry. And if he gave me another opportunity, I'd fix it. I would. Live for today...it's all you have, ladies and gentlemen!