WHEN YOUR DAUGHTER DATES SOMEONE MUCH OLDER

My daughter is 18 years old and in love with a 24 year old looser. I

am ripping the hair out of my head because all my concerns are being
ignored. She is in love but this guy is just taking advantage of her,
he is not working, has no ambitions and lives with his mom and brother
in a one bedroom apartment. He is very controlling and i am afraid
that she might not even want to go to collage because he said she
doesn't need to be smarter than him. I really don't know what to do
anymore she doesn't want to listen to me and is on the way to waste
her life.

Marisol

Dear Marisol,

This is a hard one for me, because I am not a mother. However, I am an older sister to a younger sister and I understand the frustrating and overwhelming feeling of wanting to protect them from doing something they will regret, and most of all, from getting hurt. I’m sure part of the frustration is knowing that she’s 18, so you can’t even legally step in to keep him away from your daughter. But, alas, your little girl is growing up, and little by little you will have to let her make her own decisions and even let her fall on her face. However, the most important thing is that she knows that she has mommy to pick her up. Remember when you were 18 and you thought you had all the answers? I’m sure your mom probably told you what you are telling your daughter now, and you felt like saying, “Yeah, Mom, I heard you already! Just let me live my life!” Did you ever date an older man when you were younger? I’m sure the girls her age think this is so cool, and at her age it’s important to her to be cool.

Here’s what I think you should do. You know that saying, “Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer?” Do just that. You don’t have to accept what is happening, just tolerate it a little. Because the truth is that if you tell her not to see him, she will only run to him harder, faster and she will be stubbornly determined to prove you wrong. So, let her know you don’t like the idea, but you love her and you want her to be happy. Invite this boyfriend over for dinner. If he really cares for your girl, he’ll come. My mom always told me that when a man has nothing to hide and is of good character, he will come for dinner. You should tell her the same and see what happens. Encourage her to continue pursuing her dreams of college, and if this man really loves her, he will encourage her too.

Be your daughter’s mother, but also be her friend…she will open up to you more, if she doesn’t feel judged. Oh yes, and please remind her to keep herself sexually protected (ouch – I know) I know it is hard. I want to strangle my sister sometimes when she chooses the wrong type of man – but as a woman, we all learn this lesson – THE HARD WAY!

You are a GOOD mother and just the fact that you are worried tells me that. Love her, be with her, encourage her, remind her she’s beautiful and deserving of healthy love, and eventually your words will echo in her head and she will do the right thing! If not, tell her to call me!