COUNTDOWN TO 2011!!!

In the 24 years of my career, I have not spent ONE New Year's Eve with my family.  in the career of music, New Year's Eve is the most important night of the year.  And that is true because of this:  for the most part, you get paid double!!!  Yep!!  And if you have 2 or 3 shows in one night - the mortgage/rent is paid; the car insurance is paid (for the year!)...and there's lots to invest & put away for emergencies or to reinvest in recording, wardrobe, etc. And like any other "normal" human being, the money can be very alluring!  And in the last three years, I have been on some stage somewhere about 25 minutes before midnight. I do my show and then my job is to count down.  10, 9,8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

And there I am...on stage...happy that it's the New Year; happy to see everyone hugging and showing completely inapppropriate public displays of affection....and....I am alone.  At some point I walk over and hug my road manager...but he always has some date there, lol.  And so this New Year, for very first time...I had NO show booked.  Part of me was terrified.  Why doesn't anyone want to book me for New Year's Eve?  Um, hello, anyone there? Part of me knew that I had an alternative:  to sing with the band, Mirage.  I really wanted to, God knows, because I'd been so busy during the year, I barely got opportunities to sing with them.  Also, a member of the band is preganant, and unfortunately her mom had just passed away - I know I was needed.  BUT...I had a chance to finally be with my family.   As pressured as I was feeling - and the pressure was only coming from me, lol - I decided to go with family.  Life is far too short, and with the passing of my friend's mom, oh, no...I was going to be with Mom!!!

Allow me to divert for one second...       

I made a decision a few months ago to restrain from blogging about my love life, or lack thereof.  So I'll update you and save you all the ugly details so that I not sound depressing . Here's the long, short story. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl crazy about one another. So they get into the car of couple-dom.  Boy & girl are driving down the lane of love...he's speeding and they are laughing, holding hands.  Then...Boy  SLAMS on the brakes....and because girl didn't wear seat belt (in other words because she let her guard down) girl gets ejected from the passenger side.  End of story.  Heart broken A G A I N ! ! ! Ah, the lessons of life...when did this all happen?? You guessed it:  just before the New Year.

Okay back to before...

So you can just imagine the mood I was in.  Ugh...I was angry...no, scratch that, I was ENRAGED! I mean I'm talking I wanted to break something, burn something, smack someone hard in the face...the kind of smack that leaves a mark. No, no...I don't condone physical violence.  The last and only time I broke something out of an enraged tantrum was about 8 years ago...and let me tell you, that was the worst betrayal of my life.  But that's for another blog, another time...perhaps when I feel I have nothing major to write about.  Oh, sorry, did I digress again?  I was not only enraged, but profoundly disappointed, tremendously hurt, and well, feeling quite betrayed.  Say what you mean, and mean what you say...is that really so hard?  I was in my car, listening to only angry songs by Evanescence, Limp Biskit, My Chemical Romance, Pink...yea, I get kind of in a rock mood when I'm mad. LOL.  I drove the hour and a half to my mom's house, and as soon as I parked the car, I began to cry.  I wanted to go in, and run into Mommy's arms...when I feel extreme emotional pain, my mom's hug is kind of the only thing that makes me feel better.

I walked in through the door and feigned happiness.  Well, I hate coming over to mom's and before I can say hello, I'm crying to her.  And then, in an instant, my sadness was erased (temporarily, at least.) 
"Titi Judyyyyyyyy!!!"
It was my niece, Jennyce...my ray of sunshine that pierces through my cloud every single time I see her.  Thank God.  I hugged her as hard as I could. I was gratefully distracted as we played Operation and Chutes and Ladders.  As soon as she said, "I won,"...the urge to cry emerged. 
Mom: "Judy, why dont' you go upstairs and say hello to your brother?" 
Me: "No, ma...not now. Not yet. I'm angry with men right now."
Mom: "Uh, oh....don't worry...it'll be a new year, new things...You're angry, huh?"
Me:  "Mom, you have NO idea...I'm tired of being disappointed, hurt, betrayed...especially when I know I have done nothing wrong."  And a single tear came down.  Enough. Nope. Not gonna cry.

I could smell the food a little later on.  Inhale aroma. Exhale joy!!! Mom was making one of my favorite dishes:  Breaded steak, white rice, beans and tostones (fried plantains). Yummmyyyy!!  I walked into the kitchen and Mom was not only cooking, she was dancing to Gipsy Kings!  It was quite a different picture from last year.  Last year this time, Mom was crying, she wasn't walking, she had to be taken care of by my sister and I as she was recovering from hip replacement surgery.  She was a mess, lol.  Now, she still walks with a limp, but there was no better vision right there and then - to walk into the room and seem Mom dancing!!  And that's when happy Judy, deliriously-drunk-with-joy Judy joined in the party.  I began doing the crazy, arabic-sounding, Native-American sounding, Gypsy-sounding trills that the lead singer does.  I LOVE doing that, okay, I love making believe I can do it, lol.  And as my sister was doing her hair, I began singing to her...my niece came over to see what the noise was about, and I began to laugh.  God, laughter truly is healing!  Laughter immediately dissipates the sadness...it's nature's natural cure!! 

We were dancing to Baila me, Bamboleo, Djobi Djoba, Bem Bem Bem Maria and Volare! If you've never heard them, you need to.  I began to teach my niece the basic salsa step and she, of course, took it to the next level:  "Wait, Titi Judy.  Look. look. Watch what I do:  the Samba."  And I don't know what the heck she did.  It was some sort of out-of-control twist. It was great.  My sister joined in, and we were all over the place, dancing, singing, laughing. It was the best hour I've had in a long time.  When dinner was ready, we sat together at the table, just us girls and listened to Kool and the Gang; musical selection brought to you by Mom. Gosh, my mom can cook! It was so good.  I ate too much - my stomach was hurting.  From there we drove to my other brother's house.  For those of you who have followed my blog, he is the brother who had the hand accident with the snowblower. By the way, he's doing great!  He did all the physical therapy...there are scars BUT he's back to work, and has full use of his hand.

At my brother's house, it looked as though the party had begun without us.  My brother, sister-in-law, niece, three of his friends were surrounded by food.  There was no way I could even look at it...that's how full I was!  But my brother introduced us to something called a short beer:  43 Liquor with heavy cream on top, served as a shot.  It looks like a mini beer.  So he insisted we all do a shot together - including Mom!  LOL. LOL.

"Come on, mom...you HAVE to do this with us!"  I felt so conflicted. One side of me felt like Mom doesn't need to be drinking.  But the other side of me that knows Mom doesn't do ANYTHING crazy, that side of me wanted her to do it.  You need to understand that in all the years of her lifetime, my mother has somehow found a way to maintain her innocence.  You need to think Shirley Temple, Three Stooges, Marx Brothers' kind of humor. Here's the great part.  Mom agreed to the shot, and in a second as we said 'cheers', it was over. But there was Mom stil holding it, and sipping it.  My brother cried out:  "Nooooo, Mom!  What are you doing? It's a shot!!" I interjected:  "Mom you don't sip a shot. You have to take it in one gulp."  My brother continued, "Yea, Mom...drink it like you drink NyQuil."  And then she answered us, "Okay, well show me."  So we all had to do another shot just to "show" her, lol.  And there we all were...and we all did it together. My mom's reaction?  "Okay, guys...that's it?  Pss..no big deal...it's okay."  LOL.  As we watched Ryan Seacrest and Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve, I remembered being a child and staying up to watch that big ball drop.  The sense of collective anticipation is inspiring actually, and it was no different as an adult. 

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  And for the first time in more than 20 years I had a LOT of people to hug...I was NOT alone. And I felt good.  For a moment, I had to stop and pray for my other sister-in-law, Claudia who had lost her father that very same morning. It was impossible to be too happy...my heart bled for her.  2011...a chance to begin again, to write and sing new songs, to be loved by someone who loves me equally and in the way my spirit needs...that is my wish, my personal wish.  As I went to go to sleep, the insomnia had set in yet again. The rage had been diluted to anger..but really anger is just my soul's way of saying, "Ouch! You hurt my heart! You hurt it, and it did nothing but be kind and loving to you..." Okay, let me not be so dramatic.  The pain was still there and I allowed it flow. But I know when I look back at New Year's Eve, the memories of dancing, laughing, taking the shot, being hugged by family...will ALWAYS bring me joy!!  Happy New Year to ALL!!!           

      

I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!!!

Please forgive me...I'm very behind with blogging. The day was July 10th, 2010...

I was performing with the band, Mirage, at the Venetian in Garfield, NJ for a wedding reception.  During our soundcheck, when I was stepping down these 3 little stairs, I noticed the first two steps were slightly tilted downward and the last step to the ground was a larger space from the previous two.  Hm, I thought, that could be dangerous.  I was careful to ask one of the men from Mirage to help me down.  I was walking toward the exit to go to the restroom and BAM! I tripped over this large metal pole that is responsible for holding up the light set.  So I laughed at myself the way I always do when I trip.  Truth is all my life, I've been known to be quite the Puerto Rican Erkel!!  - I always tripped over my own feet, walked into lamp posts and am infamously nown for not being able to walk a straight line whenever any of my ex-boyfriends walked with me sisde by side.  It's as if I walking after 3 or 4 shots, except I haven't had any. LOL.  A few minutes later, I was walking toward the stage, and you guessed it, I tripped again, OVER THE SAME POLE! But this time I fell.  One of the band members who I call Uncle Ralph didn't see me fall.  But he looked down and saw me on the floor....AND KEPT WALKING!!  I was like, um "hello, hello anyone I"m on the floor!"  LOL.

We had just finished a GREAT set in front of about 250 people! We were taking a break, and I changed into my flip-flops, and you know I'm known for putting on the chancletas when my feet ache.  While I was changing, the band members began moving into the other room for a dinner break.  I have the flip flops on and I look at those 3 little steps.  I tell myself, Judy, be careful and take your time.  There is no bannister or anything to hold on to. No big deal..you got this."  I felt like Britney Spears because as I was falling in what felt like slow motion, all I heard in my mind was, "Oops, I think I did it again."  BOOM!! I went down, this time with my left ankle completely betraying me and turning inward COMPLETELY!  Aw, damn, this is gonna be bad.  I couldn't move because the burning sensation was just too much to take.  I just couldn't find it in me to get up. As I cursed myself for being so careless after forewarning myself, I looked up and noticed that in the crowd of 250 people - NO ONE SAW ME!!  I felt so freaking invisible!!  Um, hello, anybody? Is chivalry dead?  But perhaps it was a blessing because it save me more embarrasment anyway.  Suddenly I look to my left and I saw Mauro, our band director and pianist. Like a true Italian, he says, "Eh, Judy, what are you doing on the floor??"  God, this was THE moment to be sarcastic. I wanted to say, "Duh, You think??? I fell!"  But I left out the "duh-you think" and just said, "I fell." 

Mauro was as compassionate as could be.  He assisted me up and walked me into the room where the band was having dinner, and everyone said, "Oh, my God, Judy! What happened?" I told them I fell for the 3rd and 4th embarrassing time, and then Uncle Ralph, with the timing of a sitcom, says, "Is that why you were on the floor???"  LOL "I thought you were changing your shoes?"  I thought to myself...on the floor?? LOL           

Here's where the funny part gets serious! On average I am pretty clumsy, but when I become too clumsy, it can be a warning sign for me.  The last time I bumped into, tripped over, and fell onto a lot of things all in one day, about a week later, I had my first attack of optic neuritis. In English, the nerve in my brain that allows me to see became so inflamed that I went blind in that eye.  It caused irreversible damage to the nerve and to this day, I don't see too well out of that eye. I cannot read with it at all.  My point is, the optic neuritis put me in the hospital, where MRIs were done, and I was finally diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.  So yes, it's funny when I start bumping into things and fall down for stupid reasons, but no, it's not funny when it makes me wonder if an attack is coming on.  That is what I have to be wary of...an attack can come about when the body is overstressed or when the mind is overstressed, and I've been stressed in both ways for almost 2 months now.  Once the filming of the video is done and Beatstock has passed, I MUST take a couple of days to do nothing. Falling down's not so bad, I just don't want it to get me down, know what I mean?

21st Anniversary of My 21st Birthday!

Woke up on my birthday EXHAUSTED...performed with the band, Mirage, the night before, and really sang my butt off, and my energy off too!  I woke up to find so many texts on my cell phone. 

The first one 7:39am - from the ex...this is the ex I thought was going to marry me; the one who was by my side when I first was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis; the one who deep down I know lied to me about something, but to this day have no idea what.  He is the one who I truly loved & in my soul, he was a true love.  I connected with him. I allowed him completely into my life...I let my guard down...all the way.  He is the ex who in the end, his actions did not reflect what he'd said to me, and I had to make a hard decision to leave.  His text:  "Happy Birthday, Judy. I hope all your dreams come true. I love you, I miss you...I try to move forward but I can sense you right next to me...no one lives up to your standards.

Why??? Why did he do that?  I've spent almost 2 years trying to get over him, and in my ways I am...but when he mentions he loves me, it literally sucks me right back to the laughter, the good times, the love and simultaneously...the anger, the confusion, and especially, the heartache.  Funny, just a few months ago, he asked me if I was serious with anyone (he is aware of Navy Guy and not happy about it)...I told him that Navy Guy is up in the air, that we are still in touch, but no, I'm not serious with anyone. He then invited me to dinner...and like a gullible creature, I conceded, and I didn't hear from him until 6 weeks later!!! Ugh-same old...um, crap!!

Chicago Chico texted me...Oh, yes, I haven't updated you about him...he's the one who kissed me FANTASTICALLY in Chicago.  He wished me a happy birthday. Here's the update...nothing. LOL. From time to time, he will text and as soon as we begin to talk about possibly seeing each other, he somewhat backs off, reminding me he can't get serious...what the hell is wrong with these guys? Hellooooo! If you don't want to get serious, don't even bother talking to me, ugh!  LOL...He really is a sweet guy...from our conversations, I think he's intimidated to be honest.  He seems to bring up that he's saving money.  I think he has this preconceived notion that I am a busy jet-setter, meeting men everywhere I go, living a rich and affluent lifestyle, looking out for men with furs, cars and bling, when in fact it I live so modestly it's not even funny.  I am not materialistic high-maintenance, but I admit I am emotionally high maintenance...I want romance, I want to be courted, I want compliments. I want to feel like the only woman in the room when I'm with him.  And....okay, this is probably too much information..but...mind-blowing sex that leaves me dizzy wouldnt' be so bad either!!! 

Navy Guy had called & I'd missed his message.  I dial my voicemail.
Singing:  "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you...dear, Julie....(laughter) Happy Birthday to you.  Happy Birthday, sweetheart!"  Hm, wow...he never called me sweetheart before.  I did receive a card from him soon after my birthday. It read:  Judy, I couldn't resist this card...was way too funny. I hpe you have a great birthday. Sorry I couldn't be there to celebrate...Love ya, Navy Guy."  Did he say, Love ya?  What does that mean?  I know when I talk to my friends and when I email my fans I always write, "Love ya."  I mean it..I love the person...and at the same time, I do it in a playful, and friendly way.  So is his, "love ya" in a friendly way?  Or does he love me, but is afraid to say the "you"?  Or do I just freaking over-analyze EVERYTHING?

Then I went online & checked my facebook page, both personal and fan page...W-O-W!!!  Oh, my God...I COULD NOT KEEP UP WITH THE WELL WISHES!!!  I thanked every single person and at one point, I lost it.  I just took my hands off the keyboard and literally cried.  I was so moved and overwhelmed by that feeling of pure love...I am truly blessed to have so many people care that much...some people that have never even met me, but they took a moment to wish me well!  I was just deeply touched.

I sort of wished i didn't have to go to work that day, but I did.  And that was okay.  At the end of my shift, July, my ex-producer and my friends showed up with homemade cake and sang happy birtthday to me.  We then went to one of my favorite places to eat in the city:  Caliente Cab Company!  I love their guacamole and margaritas!!  They even sang happy birthday to me and, gave me a HUGE sombrero to wear!!! 

When I got home, I got that feeling again.  It's a feeling that is so creepy...it creeps up and me and makes me feel profoundly lonely.  Yep....there I was again wondering if someone will come into my life...no.  Not that someone, but THE one!  LOL.  I cried for a moment.  Is this it?  Will I be coming home alone for the rest of my life??  But then I thought about it- - -

I have the best life!  I am well in spite of having multiple sclerosis.  I am in good health. I am  employed.  I have a family who adores me.  I have the BEST friends!  I have the career of my dreams!  I have the GREATEST fans!  I am loved...and that literally wipes out the creepy lonely feeling!  Happy 42nd Birthday...to me!