Spent most of the day at the doctor's office, reviewing the results to my physical. Good news: Sugar, Cholesterol, Blood Pressure - Excellent! Vitamin/mineral levels - Excellent! I admit I was SO relieved to hear that, especially knowinge that high blood pressure and diabetes run in my family. So as Dr. M continued the examination, she did see that, in spite of the medication I was given last week, my legs and ankles are still somewhat swollen. She did all these strange things to me: pulling my shoulders up, moving my legs around, feeling my neck. Wait. She was feeling my neck too long.
"Hm, you know..." the doctor said, "the right side of your neck is larger than the left."
I looked at her face for more.
"And sometimes the swelling in the legs, especially in the shin area can mean thyroid issues. Although your thyroid results were good, I want to do an ultra sound just to be sure, make sure it's not a tumor."
I nodded in consent. Yes, this is good...let's be thorough. And then she did something some doctors never do. She sat on her chair and moved it up to me.
"So, Judy. Tell me. How are you?"
It was as if the flood gates opened. Part of me was relieved and the other was scared to speak up. What the hell...let me get it out.
"Dr. M, I have not been well. I have been EXTREMELY fatigued lately. I wake up, and want to sleep. Sometimes I do go back to sleep, and the other morning I gave in and slept an additional three hours after already having had eight hours sleep. I have trouble falling asleep."
"Well," chimed in Dr. M, "Do you have a lot on your mind? How is your career? How've you been feeling about your weight?"
"No.Yes. Yes, I have a lot on my mind. I am worried, but I'm not obsessed about it. I don't know, to be honest, I just noticed that the last five days or so, I'm having crying spells...I start crying, and I can't stop...just telling you about them makes me feel like crying right now."
She shocked me: "Here, here's a tissue...let it out! It's okay, really - go ahead and cry."
Ironically, I didn't - I just looked to her for answers. She looked at my results again.
"Okay, let's test your hormones...let's do more bloodwork to check for arthritis, Epstein Barre Syndrome, Lupus...everything...let's help you. In the meantime, call your neurologist and get your brain and spine checked with MRI...let's rule out the physical symptoms before we approach the psychological."
This is a good doctor. The fact that she moved her chair up, and LISTENED to me was half the healing, lol. Anyway, she encouraged me to find a therapist because she said it's good to have someone to listen to anyway. I left her office and immediately did all the testing...I continue to pray and have faith in God's goodness...and I know things will get better.
And then I got a phone call...a phone call from a man in my past...20 years ago. We'll call him Six. Six and I met in Florida in the beginning of my career through a mutual friend in grammar school. For three days we hung out, laughed, danced..and on the very last night he kissed me. On and off for the next two years or so we would hang out and make out and he would always try to seduce me. Yea, I said it - sorry, Mom. It wasn't that I wasn't curious; it wasn't that I wasn't crazy about him; it wasn't that I didn't care about him. But . He was intimidating. One of those men who knows what he wants, and agressively pursues it. I will say in spite of his feelings, he ALWAYS respected me. I don't remember how we lost touch, or why we stopped speaking, but I never forgot his great, sea-like green eyes.
"Nena," (that's what he always called me.) would you like to come with me to the movies to see Conviction at the Director's Guild Theater, starring Hillary Swank and Minnie Driver?"
"Hey, stranger! Sure!"
A couple of hours later we met at Starbuck's to catch up. Six is a retired police officer and has been a professional actor for the last 10 years! I was so happy for him because it was always his life's dream and he was now doing it, and has been pretty successful too! We discussed our lives, successful careers, and failed relationships. And there was a moment, where I just looked at him and it came rushing back, and I suddenly remembered how intimidated I used to be in his presence. I was so young, naive and VERY shy. He was always such a powerful man, and quite frankly, it was a turn on. It was not his "power" per se, but his confidence that was sexy. And, while I love bald men too, he has a GREAT head of hair on him still...no grey hair, just a little on the stubble on his chin. Gorgeous green eyes, and the best eye contact that I can remember. He is not pretentious in the least.
The movie was very very good, and I was so happy to be there. It was great to have that spontaneity in my world, even if just for a day. But, God, I needed this...I needed the company of a man, without worrying if he would expect or disrespect me...Six was my friend. And after the movie, I invited him for a drink. We went to a very nice restaurant and ordered a couple of drinks, and it was there that I began to blush. I admit it, I am STILL attracted to him. The best part of it all, is that neither one of us had to be on guard. It was comfortable.
I shared with him my recent disappointments from Navy Guy suddenly disappearing, to Lobster's cameo appearances and phone calls, to the men who make dates just to stand me up, to the men who just want to have sex with me on the first date...and nothing else. Six listened, told me about his divorce and why his marriage failed, about the women who had come and gone, the turn on's and turn off's and he reminded me of the following:
"Judy, most of us suck! But you remember I told you this - YOU, the woman, are ALWAYS in control. You decide what you want from us, and if they don't offer you what you want, forget them. You take control...and you let them wonder for a change. Not the other way around. You're a good woman, Judy...I always thought you were different...and we always had a connection."
Five minutes later, I began to remember what attracted me to him those 20 years ago, and why I had not taken things farther those 20 years ago - He makes me feel wanted, happy, like I can trust him, but there is always something there that tells me he is not the relationship type. Suddenly I realized he'd continued his lecture and I wasnt even listening:
"...deinitely am still attracted to you...still something there...but right now I'm really working on myself before..." Yep, I was right, lol...not the relationship type. Six did say something profound to me. And although I'd heard it before, and I've even said it to people before, I needed to hear it today. "Judy, sometimes you have to quit worrying whether or not you'll be married, or have children, or you'll have that successful career. It is here. It is now. All you have is the present...and if you can stop worrying for one second and appreciate all you have now, you will be happier. And when that happens, the love you have been waiting for will pop right into your life."
It honestly calmed me to hear him remind me of that. Damn...still cute. I could kiss him right now.
"Judy? You there? Why are you smiling?"
"Nah, nothing."
We got to his car. We talked for a bit as he dropped me off, and in an instant, grabbed me and kissed me.
"Yes, Judy...I am still find you extremely beautiful!" Woooh. Call the ambulance!! Fire!! LOL....I walked away with a smile on my face, no questioning if he'll call me again or not, whether or not this will turn into something. In fact, I didn't even care that perhaps his speech was just a set up to provide him the opportunity to kiss me. I didn't care! Nope! Just...enjoying the NOW.
Showing posts with label Navy Guy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Navy Guy. Show all posts
Monday, October 4, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
THE FALL. THE MEN. THE UPDATE!!
So it's the beginning of September and autumn is quickly approaching. It's so evident as the sun sets faster and faster each and evey day. The change in weather's already begun, tapping us on our shoulder as an announcement to change. Fall is a great season! I think of the vast array of colors on the leaves, the way the clouds seem to have different pattern formations & I already feel the texture of warm snuggly sweaters. And then I think of shorter days and odd cravings for carbohydrates. Strange, but true.
And I think of men.
Here's the update:
Navy Guy sailed away. Never heard from him again. Although I have a minor urge to call and ask, "Why?", I simply choose not to go there. "There" is that place where women go when they want closure. "There" is an empty place full of excuses that only make a woman go nuts, in determination to find the truth. It's a hole, a void that makes her go deeper into her neediness. And well, I've been in that hole too many times...it's dark down there. So how do I close that chapter? I tell myself that when a man REALLY wants a woman, he goes after her. Bottom line: He doesn't REALLY want me; he's just not that into me. The reasons that he doesn't want me won't change anything, and may actually have nothing to do with me. God sometimes has a brilliant way of keeping away someone who would be bad for you...so don't fight it.
The Lobster.. He hasn't called since the last time he offered to "get together some time." Internally, I wonder if he saw the video...don't know why I wonder, but I do. My closure with him? Never had it; never will. I know deep in my heart, there's something he left out; some strange omission that would expain everything. My closure with him is that I will never have closure. Surely chasing after the reasons will land me in a straight jacket singing Come Into My Arms off-key somewhere, on a corner pretending to be back at Roseland Ballroom.
Chicago Guy. He has been in touch with me on and off, always via text. Always begins excited and then suddenly stops. LOL. He always asks when I'll be back to Chicago, and is very engaging and then....quiet. What's he doing here? He's attempting to keep me at an option. PUH-LEASE! He's keeping in touch because he knows I return to Chicago in November? That's my guess..keep me dangling there just enough so when I go to Chicago, we can "pick up" where we left off. Oh, no my dear, you mistake me for an idiot!! LOL.
New prospects have popped up recently, but nothing that seems to stick. I've been invited to movies and a dinner - hasn't happened yet. I've also been sort of asked out by someone, but he was drunk when he asked. He's also a "fan" and that always concerns me because it may be the "persona" of Judy Torres that he's interested in - NOT me. There was another fan that I actually was attracted to and considered. I finally had the nerve to give my number, to only discover (damn) that he'd already been involved with someone else. He might have mentioned that in the first place, huh? Damn, good looking & established sexy, guy too, lol! But I told him that I don't want ANY drama. If/when he is COMPLETELY single & emotionally available, then I'd love to meet for coffee.
I did have a date the other evening. I don't know what to call him. He showed up with a smile and with a horrible smelling cologne!! Bleeagh!! It was a little too earthy, too dark, too spicy. It reminded me of the colognes I used to smell walking up and down Fordham Road in the Bronx, being sold by street vendors that were like $5.00 for three bottles, lol. Anyway, I'll call him Guy X. Guy X had a great smile, nice hair. He wore a long sleeved t-shirt and jeans with sneakers. Sneakers? Not sure if that worked out okay, but hey, why judge, right? Right? He took me to a very nice Italian restaurant, and it was obvious that he was nervous, which I always think is quite endearing. The food was good and conversation was slow to start, but by the end of dinner, there was a comfort and his personality began to emerge. It was a beautiful night with a soft breeze, so we walked along the park.
We discusssed what we were looking for. I told him that I'm not looking to "hook up", or have a fling. I told him I'm looking for a genuine relationship that would hopefully one day lead to marriage. He admitted that he used to be that guy who hooked up, but was tired of meeting the same type of women who played the field. Somehow, for some reason, I wasn't really buying it. But okay. I'll go with it for now. He stopped me and hugged me. It was a good hug. Scratch that - it was a WONDERFUL hug. And although the cologne was making my nose blees, it was nice. In fact, I haven't had a man hug me first...it's always a kiss. So I thought, it was a rather sweet & affectionate thing to do. My only issue with him at the time was that I didn't find him to be focused on life. He still didn't know where he was going with career, didn't seem to have any aspirations. Basically, he lacked passion. I don't care if I date a plumber - but I want hin to PASSIONATE about plumbing. I want him to get excited when he talks about pipes, water and repairs! ..and there's nothing wrong with not being focused, but I wonder if at this age in life, we should have some idea.
I did get lost in the hug for a second. I actually had tears in my eyes (I didn't let him see that, of course). It had been a while since I'd been hugged by a man. It was safe; it was comforting and assuring - it's amazing how two arms can make one feel so protected. I really liked that feeling. Guy X called me beautiful. He said I was down to earth, and he really appreciated that. He said he loved my height - I'm tall 5'9". As we walked back to the car...he let his defenses down...way down.
We got into the car. He began talking politics and conspiracy theories and told me to "do the research.." LOL..and then he did the unthinkable: He dissed Ms. Oprah Winfrey!!!
Oh
No
You.
Didn't
Make fun of what I'm wearing, disagree with my stance on politics and religion but DON'T mess with my Oprah.
He suddenly reclined the chair to what I call "thug seating conditions", put one hand on the wheel, licked his lips and presumed a Lil Wayne look in his eyes. Mr. X was gone! Yea, all of a sudden Mr. X became Mr. Gangsta!!
"So, yo, ma, check it right...I wanna get wit chu real soon."
Uncomfortable but politically correct smile.
"So yo, Imma hitch you up tomorrow, a-ight??"
I thanked him..."Thank you for everything. Sure, I'll, um, hit you up."
Yea, I'll hit you alright...LOL. I admit I have to laugh. I had fun until his inner gangster surfaced. There's nothing wrong with that at all, but it doesn't work for me. Well, I'm confident there will be more dates to come from some mystery men...and more stories to tell. But somewhere in that mix, the ONE is there. I know he is!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Ahoy, Beatstock! Bye, Bye, Navy Guy! (Part 2 of 2)
August 7, 2010 - KTU's BEATSTOCK at PNC Bank Arts Center, NJ
Woke up and instantly began running around. There was a lot to do, a lot to prepare for and as soon as I began running around the phone began ringing off the hook. I was grateful that I had already decided on what I would be wearing...that saved at least an hour off the clock! Navy Guy showed up and was excited, but could see how busy I was, and he was understandably patient and stayed "out of the way" during the frenzy. I was told I would only get a town car, so I had prepared him with the information. But at 3pm, a HUGE limousine showed up...I could've fit most of my family in it, and his eyes lit up. We went downstairs, when I realized I'd forgotten something and had to go bak upstairs. When I came down, Navy Guy had already taken several photos of the limo. LOL...it reminded me how special it is to get a limo pick me up...I am a very lucky and blessed girl, and I appreciate it all...never take it for granted.
He asked me, "Here." he handed me his camera, "take a picture." So I did...The driver, realizing what was happening, said, "Give me the camera, I'll take a picture of both of you." Navy Guy declined. Huh? In my attempt to not act like "a girl", and be clingy,I didn't complain, but I thought it was odd. What's wrong with taking a picture of me? On the ride over, at first, we barely spoke...hm. Not the picture I had in my mind. We did eventually warm up. Before you know it, we arrived at PNC. I introduced him to a few people, and Navy Guy was cool with everyone. He asked me if I needed water, and he really balanced well between keeping me company and giving me space to do what I needed to do. It was time to change. But wait...oh, my God! It's Charice! The girl who was on Oprah, who was signed by David Foster!!!! I begged and I got a picture with her! So cool! What a HUGE voice coming out of her tiny and petite little body! It was an awesome moment!
I was beginning to feel nervous...it happens every year. But I was excited. I wore a pink lace corset with black leggings, a black lace cover and the boots that I almost didn't have to pay for, lol..(I wrote about it in a previous blog, What Would You Do?). I have to admit, I felt pretty great about what I was wearing. Yes, Iit was brave for a girl of my size, but it made me feel sexy. I came out of the dressing room and people around me began to compliment me. Good, whew, I look okay. I was asked to take photos for Versace, one of the sponsors for Beatstock...it was fun. I even took some photos with Chris Willis, who I LOVE!!
Time to go on stage. I was waiting...I was to go on after Kim English. It was a gorgeous day; a perfect day for the concert. I heard my name. "And now...Judy Torres." A heard a rush of the people...it was a mixture of applause and believe it or not, it felt like JOY! I was honored, I was taken ababck with shock...I didn't expect such a great response. And I thought to myself, you better do good...but it was wonderful. It is so unbelieveably overwhelming to be able to sing and feel every moment, hit every high note...and hear people resond!! Oh, what a moment!! There were so many celebrities, and all I secretly thought was, "People won't even remember I was here...once they see Enrique, Pitbull...there's no way they even care that I'm here." But I have to say, upon hearing the applause and response, I felt in for the short amount of time I was onstage, they cared.
I walked off, and was given high fives, asked to take pictures and was bombarded with requests...that always feels good I won't lie to you. It is very validating as a human being, to have people react to you in such a way is a compliment. I walked over to Navy Guy, and he said, "When you went on a lot of seats thqt had been empty filled up..." That was it. Was that a compliment? I think so., sort of, kind of. I should be grateful, but I wanted to hear, "Good job, baby!" Then it hit me...that's what the Lobster would've probably said! It's not good to compare. Comparisons aside, Judy herself would've liked to receive a compliment from a guy she's interested in.
The ride back home was QUIET. Navy Guy was on the phone, texting. His hand was just sitting there, and I reached out for it. He pulled it away to text..but never replaced it back to my hand. Whatever. I had given him a t-shirt with my name & Stay on it, along with my business card as a joke...He had some other memorabilia he'd collected from Beatstock that day. We had kown he was leaving to head back to the port inthe morning because he had duty on Monday morning, britght and early. I had asked him what he would tell people when he posted the pics of the limo, etc. onto the internet, and he said, "I'll tell them I went to Beatstock." No mention of me. He said goodnight and kissed me lightly, thanked me & was gone. He said, "I'll be visiting family in a couple of weeks, and I'll pass by to visit, ok?" I sat back in the limo, looked down and there it was. He'd taken his photos, his souveneirs, but he'd left things behind - the tshirt that bore my name and my business card. It was as if, he'd purposely left behind any "evidence" that he was with me at all. No pictures and nothing with my name. I can gesture that it was a mistake; that he simply forgot it..but those items were on top of all the other ones. It was psychologically sending me a LOUD message. And you know what? Although I was sadly disappointed, I have to confess, I had reached a point where it didn't even matter to me. That was it. We had said goodbye to one another without actually saying it.
Woke up and instantly began running around. There was a lot to do, a lot to prepare for and as soon as I began running around the phone began ringing off the hook. I was grateful that I had already decided on what I would be wearing...that saved at least an hour off the clock! Navy Guy showed up and was excited, but could see how busy I was, and he was understandably patient and stayed "out of the way" during the frenzy. I was told I would only get a town car, so I had prepared him with the information. But at 3pm, a HUGE limousine showed up...I could've fit most of my family in it, and his eyes lit up. We went downstairs, when I realized I'd forgotten something and had to go bak upstairs. When I came down, Navy Guy had already taken several photos of the limo. LOL...it reminded me how special it is to get a limo pick me up...I am a very lucky and blessed girl, and I appreciate it all...never take it for granted.
He asked me, "Here." he handed me his camera, "take a picture." So I did...The driver, realizing what was happening, said, "Give me the camera, I'll take a picture of both of you." Navy Guy declined. Huh? In my attempt to not act like "a girl", and be clingy,I didn't complain, but I thought it was odd. What's wrong with taking a picture of me? On the ride over, at first, we barely spoke...hm. Not the picture I had in my mind. We did eventually warm up. Before you know it, we arrived at PNC. I introduced him to a few people, and Navy Guy was cool with everyone. He asked me if I needed water, and he really balanced well between keeping me company and giving me space to do what I needed to do. It was time to change. But wait...oh, my God! It's Charice! The girl who was on Oprah, who was signed by David Foster!!!! I begged and I got a picture with her! So cool! What a HUGE voice coming out of her tiny and petite little body! It was an awesome moment!
I was beginning to feel nervous...it happens every year. But I was excited. I wore a pink lace corset with black leggings, a black lace cover and the boots that I almost didn't have to pay for, lol..(I wrote about it in a previous blog, What Would You Do?). I have to admit, I felt pretty great about what I was wearing. Yes, Iit was brave for a girl of my size, but it made me feel sexy. I came out of the dressing room and people around me began to compliment me. Good, whew, I look okay. I was asked to take photos for Versace, one of the sponsors for Beatstock...it was fun. I even took some photos with Chris Willis, who I LOVE!!
Time to go on stage. I was waiting...I was to go on after Kim English. It was a gorgeous day; a perfect day for the concert. I heard my name. "And now...Judy Torres." A heard a rush of the people...it was a mixture of applause and believe it or not, it felt like JOY! I was honored, I was taken ababck with shock...I didn't expect such a great response. And I thought to myself, you better do good...but it was wonderful. It is so unbelieveably overwhelming to be able to sing and feel every moment, hit every high note...and hear people resond!! Oh, what a moment!! There were so many celebrities, and all I secretly thought was, "People won't even remember I was here...once they see Enrique, Pitbull...there's no way they even care that I'm here." But I have to say, upon hearing the applause and response, I felt in for the short amount of time I was onstage, they cared.
I walked off, and was given high fives, asked to take pictures and was bombarded with requests...that always feels good I won't lie to you. It is very validating as a human being, to have people react to you in such a way is a compliment. I walked over to Navy Guy, and he said, "When you went on a lot of seats thqt had been empty filled up..." That was it. Was that a compliment? I think so., sort of, kind of. I should be grateful, but I wanted to hear, "Good job, baby!" Then it hit me...that's what the Lobster would've probably said! It's not good to compare. Comparisons aside, Judy herself would've liked to receive a compliment from a guy she's interested in.
The ride back home was QUIET. Navy Guy was on the phone, texting. His hand was just sitting there, and I reached out for it. He pulled it away to text..but never replaced it back to my hand. Whatever. I had given him a t-shirt with my name & Stay on it, along with my business card as a joke...He had some other memorabilia he'd collected from Beatstock that day. We had kown he was leaving to head back to the port inthe morning because he had duty on Monday morning, britght and early. I had asked him what he would tell people when he posted the pics of the limo, etc. onto the internet, and he said, "I'll tell them I went to Beatstock." No mention of me. He said goodnight and kissed me lightly, thanked me & was gone. He said, "I'll be visiting family in a couple of weeks, and I'll pass by to visit, ok?" I sat back in the limo, looked down and there it was. He'd taken his photos, his souveneirs, but he'd left things behind - the tshirt that bore my name and my business card. It was as if, he'd purposely left behind any "evidence" that he was with me at all. No pictures and nothing with my name. I can gesture that it was a mistake; that he simply forgot it..but those items were on top of all the other ones. It was psychologically sending me a LOUD message. And you know what? Although I was sadly disappointed, I have to confess, I had reached a point where it didn't even matter to me. That was it. We had said goodbye to one another without actually saying it.
Monday, August 9, 2010
The Lobster, The Navy Guy and The Strange Feeling.(Part 1 of 2)
Friday, August 6th -
Life is very ironic. Received a phone call from my ex-boyfriend, who I was with for 5 1/2 years. I called him my Lobster the entire time we were together. Why? Because I believed he was always THE ONE, the one I would spend my life with, the one whose children I bear, the one I'd marry. I broke things off after many red flags had waved in my face, and I could no longer ignore them: the fact that I'd never met his parents; the fact that he'd promised we'd live together but moved without me; the fact that there were holes in some of his stories, and the fact that after 5 1/2 years together, we weren't even engaged...there was simply no real proof that said he wanted to future with me.
Anyway, the Lobster called me and immediately, I felt it. Everytime he calls, I am automatically back with him in my mind, I am automatically feeling love for him, but I am also, automatically hurt again...confused again, and angry again. For the entirety of our relationship, the Lobster had always gone to my shows and especially to Beatstock. It was always wonderful to hear him wish me luck before I walked onto the stage, to see the smile on his face when I got off and to feel the pride he felt for me....but for the last two years, I'd gone solo. I wondered if he called because he knew it was Beatstock weekend. I wondered if he called because he'd hoped I'd bring it up. I wondered if he called because he knew Navy Guy was in town. But then again...I just wondered. What did he want? Why did he call now? Just last year, I had a conversation with him...we'd gone to a wake together...and it was that night I confessed to him that he still had a chance if he wanted me back as long as he'd make time to see me and promise to have a future with me. He had asked me that night if I loved Navy Guy, and I told him I did not. I told him that I would leave any prospect if it meant we could be together again. He promised to take me to dinner...but nothing happened.
In fact, he invited me out a couple of weeks ago with less than a four hour notice, but I was SO extremely worn out from planning the music video for Stay, that I simply could not. I was exhausted...and I was not up to it. I could not physically do it. I thought to myself, it's great to be spontaneous, but if he really wanted it to be special, why wouldn't he plan it better with me? And that's part of our problem...timing. He never had time for me. I was always the one begging him for his time, and I had to accept it....now for the first time, I didn't have the time, and I had to say no.
Navy Guy called to say he was pulling up in front of my house. For a moment, I had no idea of how to greet him. I hadn't seen him since December, and since December a lot had happened. In December. I didn't exactly feel like he wanted a substantial relationship with me, and the day before he left, I told him I just wanted to be friends...that's how we left things. And then over some time, as the months passed, he'd called, angry and accusing me of "kicking him to the curb," claiming that we did have something; that he indeed considered me a girlfriend. But then again, realisitically, I knew he was drunk too, and perhaps very lonely. At one time, he sent me a message stating that when he returned he wanted to "offer a proposition."
Walking down the stairs, I had decided to see how I felt when I saw him instead of waiting to see how he felt. Navy Guy got out of the car, with a smile on his face and roses...I walked over to him, and we hugged. Yes, he was as cute as ever, and ironically we were both wearing the same color, lol. Almost immediately, he presented a box to me, white with a big, plush, silver bow. I admit, I LOVE receiving gifts...I don't get them often, so it is always exciting to me, and it always makes me feel like a little kid! I opened the box, and he was so excited. "I got it in Italy...is it exotic enough? (I teased him online asking him to find something exotic for me and he'd told me he isn't that creative.) Do you think it will fit?" I put it on...it was a jewelry set - earrings, bracelet and necklace hand-made of jade and sterling silver...very pretty, unique. He was disappointed that the bracelet was big on me...I am a big girl, with big calves, but I have little ankles, wrists and fingers, lol.
As we walked into the restaurant, we held hands..not a bad sign, I thought. At dinner we had some light conversation. We didn't have much time together as I had a show that night, but I invited him nonetheless. On the ride over, he joked around with the driver, and he seemed happy to be home; happy to be back. At the show, however, I noticed something felt off...couldn't put my finger on it. Wait, maybe I can. I noticed he was talking to one of my friends...a lot. That is fine with me, but when I was around him, he was quiet. He wouldn't dance with me, and he barely said one word. When I got home, we parted ways because Beatstock was the next day, and I needed my rest. He kissed me goodnight. Something was missing...something felt wrong...
Life is very ironic. Received a phone call from my ex-boyfriend, who I was with for 5 1/2 years. I called him my Lobster the entire time we were together. Why? Because I believed he was always THE ONE, the one I would spend my life with, the one whose children I bear, the one I'd marry. I broke things off after many red flags had waved in my face, and I could no longer ignore them: the fact that I'd never met his parents; the fact that he'd promised we'd live together but moved without me; the fact that there were holes in some of his stories, and the fact that after 5 1/2 years together, we weren't even engaged...there was simply no real proof that said he wanted to future with me.
Anyway, the Lobster called me and immediately, I felt it. Everytime he calls, I am automatically back with him in my mind, I am automatically feeling love for him, but I am also, automatically hurt again...confused again, and angry again. For the entirety of our relationship, the Lobster had always gone to my shows and especially to Beatstock. It was always wonderful to hear him wish me luck before I walked onto the stage, to see the smile on his face when I got off and to feel the pride he felt for me....but for the last two years, I'd gone solo. I wondered if he called because he knew it was Beatstock weekend. I wondered if he called because he'd hoped I'd bring it up. I wondered if he called because he knew Navy Guy was in town. But then again...I just wondered. What did he want? Why did he call now? Just last year, I had a conversation with him...we'd gone to a wake together...and it was that night I confessed to him that he still had a chance if he wanted me back as long as he'd make time to see me and promise to have a future with me. He had asked me that night if I loved Navy Guy, and I told him I did not. I told him that I would leave any prospect if it meant we could be together again. He promised to take me to dinner...but nothing happened.
In fact, he invited me out a couple of weeks ago with less than a four hour notice, but I was SO extremely worn out from planning the music video for Stay, that I simply could not. I was exhausted...and I was not up to it. I could not physically do it. I thought to myself, it's great to be spontaneous, but if he really wanted it to be special, why wouldn't he plan it better with me? And that's part of our problem...timing. He never had time for me. I was always the one begging him for his time, and I had to accept it....now for the first time, I didn't have the time, and I had to say no.
Navy Guy called to say he was pulling up in front of my house. For a moment, I had no idea of how to greet him. I hadn't seen him since December, and since December a lot had happened. In December. I didn't exactly feel like he wanted a substantial relationship with me, and the day before he left, I told him I just wanted to be friends...that's how we left things. And then over some time, as the months passed, he'd called, angry and accusing me of "kicking him to the curb," claiming that we did have something; that he indeed considered me a girlfriend. But then again, realisitically, I knew he was drunk too, and perhaps very lonely. At one time, he sent me a message stating that when he returned he wanted to "offer a proposition."
Walking down the stairs, I had decided to see how I felt when I saw him instead of waiting to see how he felt. Navy Guy got out of the car, with a smile on his face and roses...I walked over to him, and we hugged. Yes, he was as cute as ever, and ironically we were both wearing the same color, lol. Almost immediately, he presented a box to me, white with a big, plush, silver bow. I admit, I LOVE receiving gifts...I don't get them often, so it is always exciting to me, and it always makes me feel like a little kid! I opened the box, and he was so excited. "I got it in Italy...is it exotic enough? (I teased him online asking him to find something exotic for me and he'd told me he isn't that creative.) Do you think it will fit?" I put it on...it was a jewelry set - earrings, bracelet and necklace hand-made of jade and sterling silver...very pretty, unique. He was disappointed that the bracelet was big on me...I am a big girl, with big calves, but I have little ankles, wrists and fingers, lol.
As we walked into the restaurant, we held hands..not a bad sign, I thought. At dinner we had some light conversation. We didn't have much time together as I had a show that night, but I invited him nonetheless. On the ride over, he joked around with the driver, and he seemed happy to be home; happy to be back. At the show, however, I noticed something felt off...couldn't put my finger on it. Wait, maybe I can. I noticed he was talking to one of my friends...a lot. That is fine with me, but when I was around him, he was quiet. He wouldn't dance with me, and he barely said one word. When I got home, we parted ways because Beatstock was the next day, and I needed my rest. He kissed me goodnight. Something was missing...something felt wrong...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
#77! Waiting, Wishing, Wanting, Whoa!!!
This morning was my court appointment. I showed up at 8:30 a.m. I was number 77 on the list in spite of my early arrival. As instructed, I came with pictures I'd taken to prove I had my inspection renewed immediately, and then I waited. Many people needed to be seen, many before me and many after. It's just one of those things where you just have to wait patiently. Then I found myself wishing, wishing I would get called a bit sooner. It was almost 11am, and I hadn't had breakfast yet. I was beginning to get what I call the Hunger Headache. And then...I was wanting...wanting for the ticket to be dismissed. You know what the universe told me today??? "It ain't gonna happen, Judy." I spoke with the prosecutor, showed the pics to him and to the judge....final outcome: $139. As you all know I make it a habit to remind people that when bad things happen you have to find the good in it. Ok...what can I appreciate here? What's the good? Ok. I will NEVER EVER AGAIN allow my inspection to expire! LOL...Thank God, I was able to afford the ticket. (that's the second thing). Last but not least, there was a very handsome 40 something year old man - who I think was flirting with me and asked for my card. Don't know if he was or not, but at least he was handsome...give me a break people, it's been a while, lol, nothing wrong with looking right?
Oh, good news!!! Navy Guy returns to port in the US of A two weeks from today. What? What did you ask? Am I excited? Does Mother Theresa pray?? Are chancletas part of a hispanic woman's footwear? Hell yea!! LOL...okay, I'll update you next time I hear from him. (Yes, suspense, people...it works, lol)
Now, I'm wanting...wanting to get voted to be a guest host for LIVE with Regis and Kelly. My fans/friends have shown INCREDIBLE support, many voting for me more than once and the deadline is just two days away! It would be fantastic to be on telelvision; not merely for the great publicity, but to show others in the industry that I can do other things, and television would be great! I'd KILL to be the next Oprah....I'd be the Puerto-Rican, Cuban "OPRAHITA!" LOL. I'm also wanting my new single, Stay, to sell well and get on the radio - but we've got to sell LOTS of copies to earn a place on the airwaves!.
I am so excited...today I was incredibly busy as I met with my video production staff! Yes, we are doing a video for Stay . So much to get done: find a leading actor, supporting actress, hire director, producer, visual director, write the treatment, story board, get props, soundstage, scenery, make up artist, wardrobe, sytlist, hair stylist, have rehearsals, rent studios, hold auditions, lose 50 pounds in 2 weeks, lol. Whoa!! I am happy to say, today I made the calls to audition the man who will play my boyfriend in the video...I told them my name was Samantha, lol., I didn't want to freak them out. I have to say so far, we have fantastic contenders for the part...okay, I can confess, not bad looking either, lol.
So it's after 3am now, and I'm wiped out, and I have to be up bright and early to record my next song (yes, in this business you MUST think WAY ahead) , but I wanted to fill you in...it's been a little bit! Okay, I love you, buh bye!
Oh, good news!!! Navy Guy returns to port in the US of A two weeks from today. What? What did you ask? Am I excited? Does Mother Theresa pray?? Are chancletas part of a hispanic woman's footwear? Hell yea!! LOL...okay, I'll update you next time I hear from him. (Yes, suspense, people...it works, lol)
Now, I'm wanting...wanting to get voted to be a guest host for LIVE with Regis and Kelly. My fans/friends have shown INCREDIBLE support, many voting for me more than once and the deadline is just two days away! It would be fantastic to be on telelvision; not merely for the great publicity, but to show others in the industry that I can do other things, and television would be great! I'd KILL to be the next Oprah....I'd be the Puerto-Rican, Cuban "OPRAHITA!" LOL. I'm also wanting my new single, Stay, to sell well and get on the radio - but we've got to sell LOTS of copies to earn a place on the airwaves!.
I am so excited...today I was incredibly busy as I met with my video production staff! Yes, we are doing a video for Stay . So much to get done: find a leading actor, supporting actress, hire director, producer, visual director, write the treatment, story board, get props, soundstage, scenery, make up artist, wardrobe, sytlist, hair stylist, have rehearsals, rent studios, hold auditions, lose 50 pounds in 2 weeks, lol. Whoa!! I am happy to say, today I made the calls to audition the man who will play my boyfriend in the video...I told them my name was Samantha, lol., I didn't want to freak them out. I have to say so far, we have fantastic contenders for the part...okay, I can confess, not bad looking either, lol.
So it's after 3am now, and I'm wiped out, and I have to be up bright and early to record my next song (yes, in this business you MUST think WAY ahead) , but I wanted to fill you in...it's been a little bit! Okay, I love you, buh bye!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
21st Anniversary of My 21st Birthday!
Woke up on my birthday EXHAUSTED...performed with the band, Mirage, the night before, and really sang my butt off, and my energy off too! I woke up to find so many texts on my cell phone.
The first one 7:39am - from the ex...this is the ex I thought was going to marry me; the one who was by my side when I first was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis; the one who deep down I know lied to me about something, but to this day have no idea what. He is the one who I truly loved & in my soul, he was a true love. I connected with him. I allowed him completely into my life...I let my guard down...all the way. He is the ex who in the end, his actions did not reflect what he'd said to me, and I had to make a hard decision to leave. His text: "Happy Birthday, Judy. I hope all your dreams come true. I love you, I miss you...I try to move forward but I can sense you right next to me...no one lives up to your standards.
Why??? Why did he do that? I've spent almost 2 years trying to get over him, and in my ways I am...but when he mentions he loves me, it literally sucks me right back to the laughter, the good times, the love and simultaneously...the anger, the confusion, and especially, the heartache. Funny, just a few months ago, he asked me if I was serious with anyone (he is aware of Navy Guy and not happy about it)...I told him that Navy Guy is up in the air, that we are still in touch, but no, I'm not serious with anyone. He then invited me to dinner...and like a gullible creature, I conceded, and I didn't hear from him until 6 weeks later!!! Ugh-same old...um, crap!!
Chicago Chico texted me...Oh, yes, I haven't updated you about him...he's the one who kissed me FANTASTICALLY in Chicago. He wished me a happy birthday. Here's the update...nothing. LOL. From time to time, he will text and as soon as we begin to talk about possibly seeing each other, he somewhat backs off, reminding me he can't get serious...what the hell is wrong with these guys? Hellooooo! If you don't want to get serious, don't even bother talking to me, ugh! LOL...He really is a sweet guy...from our conversations, I think he's intimidated to be honest. He seems to bring up that he's saving money. I think he has this preconceived notion that I am a busy jet-setter, meeting men everywhere I go, living a rich and affluent lifestyle, looking out for men with furs, cars and bling, when in fact it I live so modestly it's not even funny. I am not materialistic high-maintenance, but I admit I am emotionally high maintenance...I want romance, I want to be courted, I want compliments. I want to feel like the only woman in the room when I'm with him. And....okay, this is probably too much information..but...mind-blowing sex that leaves me dizzy wouldnt' be so bad either!!!
Navy Guy had called & I'd missed his message. I dial my voicemail.
Singing: "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you...dear, Julie....(laughter) Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, sweetheart!" Hm, wow...he never called me sweetheart before. I did receive a card from him soon after my birthday. It read: Judy, I couldn't resist this card...was way too funny. I hpe you have a great birthday. Sorry I couldn't be there to celebrate...Love ya, Navy Guy." Did he say, Love ya? What does that mean? I know when I talk to my friends and when I email my fans I always write, "Love ya." I mean it..I love the person...and at the same time, I do it in a playful, and friendly way. So is his, "love ya" in a friendly way? Or does he love me, but is afraid to say the "you"? Or do I just freaking over-analyze EVERYTHING?
Then I went online & checked my facebook page, both personal and fan page...W-O-W!!! Oh, my God...I COULD NOT KEEP UP WITH THE WELL WISHES!!! I thanked every single person and at one point, I lost it. I just took my hands off the keyboard and literally cried. I was so moved and overwhelmed by that feeling of pure love...I am truly blessed to have so many people care that much...some people that have never even met me, but they took a moment to wish me well! I was just deeply touched.
I sort of wished i didn't have to go to work that day, but I did. And that was okay. At the end of my shift, July, my ex-producer and my friends showed up with homemade cake and sang happy birtthday to me. We then went to one of my favorite places to eat in the city: Caliente Cab Company! I love their guacamole and margaritas!! They even sang happy birthday to me and, gave me a HUGE sombrero to wear!!!
When I got home, I got that feeling again. It's a feeling that is so creepy...it creeps up and me and makes me feel profoundly lonely. Yep....there I was again wondering if someone will come into my life...no. Not that someone, but THE one! LOL. I cried for a moment. Is this it? Will I be coming home alone for the rest of my life?? But then I thought about it- - -
I have the best life! I am well in spite of having multiple sclerosis. I am in good health. I am employed. I have a family who adores me. I have the BEST friends! I have the career of my dreams! I have the GREATEST fans! I am loved...and that literally wipes out the creepy lonely feeling! Happy 42nd Birthday...to me!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Navy Guy News!
So, almost 3 weeks ago, Navy Guy called me. You know how a man's voice can just completely draw you right back to the first time you met him??? Well, that's what happened. I heard his voice.."Hey...Judy..." - that kind of masculine-testosterone-warm kind of voice...I almost melted a bit. Okay. So we begin to talk and I update him on how my life is going and how I cannot wait for my new song to come out, my sinus surgery, etc. Once we got through the typical stuff, he accused me of "kicking him to the curb"...I explained I had not done that; I simply protected myself before I got hurt. (Ladies, you know what I mean: I didn't want to wait for a man who didn't love me enough.)
"I didn't kick you to the curb."
"You kicked me to the curb & I didn't even do anything wrong to you. I was good to you."
"Um, helloooo! I was damned good to you too!! And I did I OT kick you to the curb...you said you didn't want a relationship. You said you didn't want me to wait for you...If you don't name it, you can't claim it."
"What the hell are you talking about? All I know is I always came to see you - I wasn't seeing anyone else, I kept drvivng 10-12 hours each way just to see you! What the hell do you mean?"
"Well, if you wanted me, you should've said something. If you want me to be your girl, you should've said something!"
Now the voices began to escalate...
"Are you serious? Judy, you don't think you were my girl? We went out for like 5 months! I drove back and forth, we went out, we had a great time...of course you were my girl."
OH!
Oh!
o!
LOL..."Well you never said anything, and you gave me the impression you thought I was some kind of "friend with benefits," and I'm not that at all.
"Man, you kicked me to the curb. I STILL can't believe it!"
"I did not!!! Ughh!"
"Judy, if you were in front of me right now, you know what I'd say?"
"What?"
"I love you."
STOP
Hold on.
Did he just say what I think he said?
Okay, there it goes...yes, I'm breathing. Yes, I think he said it....
"Oh, so why didn't you say something before?"
"Did I HAVE to say something? I thought I SHOWED it!"
"Yes, of course you have to say something! I am a woman who wants to be shown love, but I have to hear it too!! I need both."
"Well, maybe I'm not that type of guy."
I know I was blushing.
"Well, I gotta go, Julie (He always called me Julie)."
"Ok..."
"Hey, I'll call you soon, ok?"
I hung up...completely dumbfounded and speechless. And then, I cried a very quiet cry, the kind that only one tear falls, but it is more than enough. Wow. He told me he loves me....I hadn't heard a man tell me he loved me in almost 2 years! Felt good...I admit it. The questions remain for me: Did he say it because he meant it? Or did he say it because he's lonely? Did he have some sort of revelation & realize there was something solid there? Or Was he just tipsy?
So next day, when I asked him if he remembered saying he loved me (I suspected he may have been a bit tipsy when he'd called the night before), he suddenly cried amnesia. And that's my point!
Today, he sent me a photo of him, from the battleship I believe. All in uniform. Damn, he had to look good too?? He returns in July...wants to see me...wants to talk...wants to come to Beatstock, lol!! The photo made me smile...I don't know if it's that I'm very lonely, or if there really is something solid between us! I hate that feeling...I'll be 42 on Sunday. I really would like a life partner...someone to open my eyes to in the morning. Gotta admit, Navy Guy looked good, lol! Ah, men!!!
Monday, April 5, 2010
AHOY! NAVY GUY?! HUH?
I'd be remiss to say that I haven't heard from the man I refer to as "Navy Guy." If you're in the dark about who he is, allow me to recap. It was sometime back in the fall that I was performing in a club, and I asked the audience if there was anyone there that had never seen me perform before. He was one of the 3 hands that was raised in the air, and he was the one that just stuck out. After the show, he came up to take a picture and it was then, that his cousin informed me that he'd just returned from his last deployment of over a year and half.
We began talking and I discovered he was in the Navy, thus receiving the name, Navy Guy! I asked him to dance with me, and it was hard at times because some wonderful women were rude and just kept trying to dance with him without even any regard to the fact that this chunky but funky girl was finally getting some attention, lol! He politely denied the women, telling the last one, "I'm sorry, I'm with Judy tonight." That comment won him points, and while in the middle of a song, I kissed him. He was only in town for the weekend, but every weekend, he reappeared to take me out. And a relationship was born. I never allowed myself to fall in love with him because he'd made it clear that he had a lot of emotional stuff to work through, that he was not in a place to have a serious relationship because he was being deployed again in January. To make a very long story a little bit shorter, we went up and down: one moment feeling like this was something real and would grow - he said things like I have feelings for you, I miss you, etc. and the next moment with him reminding me, "look, like I said I got my wall up...not going there." So just before he left for his deployment, I told him we should cut the "ties" and just be friends...I told him I don't kiss my friends, nor am I a booty call. I was not built to be a booty call...to me a booty call makes me feel like a make a cameo appearance - and I want to be the leading lady.
So, as we both had promised since he left for deployment in January, we've been in contact...not too often, but from time to time a friendly email. One of the last emails he sent, he admitted he's missed me and would like to talk when he gets back about possibly being a "couple." Oh, the mixed feelings. I felt joy, excitement, nervousness, and I also felt doubt, confusion and an urge to protect myself - protect my heart. Since he's been gone, I've dated here and there, and for a moment, I even thought my ex was going to be back in my life. I was excited about that prospect, but once again, he didn't back up his actions with his words. And so I am open...open to what God brings me...open to the love of my life that I know is out there somewhere.
Today, I received an email from him...I caved a little and told him in the last email that I've thought of him, his smile, his great moves when he dances...and today he emails me, (he calls me Julie because he'd never heard of Judy Torres when we met, and thought my name was Julie Torres, lol) he says in his emial: "Julie, you had me at hello..." So, here I am, not sure what he's doing...maybe he's just been at sea for way too long. After all, 3 months at sea, arriving at no port would make any man delirious, and nostalgic for life at home. Or on the other hand, 3 months at sea could force a man to reassess his life and what' important to him.
I vowed to myself I would not "wait" around...so I'm not. But I do have fond memories, and have to admit, I think it would be nice to see him again. I'd be a liar if I said I don't want to see him. He was a joy during the time I knew him...he always did what he said he'd do, and I laughed much more than I cried. What do you think I should do? Hmm...wondering.
We began talking and I discovered he was in the Navy, thus receiving the name, Navy Guy! I asked him to dance with me, and it was hard at times because some wonderful women were rude and just kept trying to dance with him without even any regard to the fact that this chunky but funky girl was finally getting some attention, lol! He politely denied the women, telling the last one, "I'm sorry, I'm with Judy tonight." That comment won him points, and while in the middle of a song, I kissed him. He was only in town for the weekend, but every weekend, he reappeared to take me out. And a relationship was born. I never allowed myself to fall in love with him because he'd made it clear that he had a lot of emotional stuff to work through, that he was not in a place to have a serious relationship because he was being deployed again in January. To make a very long story a little bit shorter, we went up and down: one moment feeling like this was something real and would grow - he said things like I have feelings for you, I miss you, etc. and the next moment with him reminding me, "look, like I said I got my wall up...not going there." So just before he left for his deployment, I told him we should cut the "ties" and just be friends...I told him I don't kiss my friends, nor am I a booty call. I was not built to be a booty call...to me a booty call makes me feel like a make a cameo appearance - and I want to be the leading lady.
So, as we both had promised since he left for deployment in January, we've been in contact...not too often, but from time to time a friendly email. One of the last emails he sent, he admitted he's missed me and would like to talk when he gets back about possibly being a "couple." Oh, the mixed feelings. I felt joy, excitement, nervousness, and I also felt doubt, confusion and an urge to protect myself - protect my heart. Since he's been gone, I've dated here and there, and for a moment, I even thought my ex was going to be back in my life. I was excited about that prospect, but once again, he didn't back up his actions with his words. And so I am open...open to what God brings me...open to the love of my life that I know is out there somewhere.
Today, I received an email from him...I caved a little and told him in the last email that I've thought of him, his smile, his great moves when he dances...and today he emails me, (he calls me Julie because he'd never heard of Judy Torres when we met, and thought my name was Julie Torres, lol) he says in his emial: "Julie, you had me at hello..." So, here I am, not sure what he's doing...maybe he's just been at sea for way too long. After all, 3 months at sea, arriving at no port would make any man delirious, and nostalgic for life at home. Or on the other hand, 3 months at sea could force a man to reassess his life and what' important to him.
I vowed to myself I would not "wait" around...so I'm not. But I do have fond memories, and have to admit, I think it would be nice to see him again. I'd be a liar if I said I don't want to see him. He was a joy during the time I knew him...he always did what he said he'd do, and I laughed much more than I cried. What do you think I should do? Hmm...wondering.
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