Sunday, September 25, 2011


A few months ago, I received a call I never thought I would. It was the Lobster's ex-wife. She wanted to know if I would tell her why I had broken up with the Lobster.

It's been three years since I broke up with Lobster. It was an almost six year relationship full of high highs and humiliating low lows. After almost six years of extremes and hollow promises of marriage and a future family, I had had enough, and I stopped the nonsense. So when his ex-wife called me, I was actually happy about it. I had wanted to speak to her for years, but Lobster had pretty much villianized her, and had me believing she didn't even want to speak to me. Okay, so we began to talk, and I told her EVERYTHING I could remember, anything I could think of and I asked her a few questions myself. And in one flash, it all came together. Boom. Bam. Pow. I felt like I was watching 20/20 with Barbara Walters or Diane Sawyer. I could imagine the female voice over in my head: "...They were together almost six years. They met, they fell in love. There was talk of marriage, and then a sudden move and she was excluded from it all. But why?...and in one phone call it all made sense." The Lobster's ex-wife and I were able to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, and we discovered together that almost the entire duration of my relationship with the Lobster, he was with her. And that's when the female voice over says: "...and he was leading a successful double life."

Although I broke up with him three years ago, and although I had been over him for a long time, I always KNEW there was someting WRONG in my gut about him. I recall he had gone with me to a counseling session, where I had told the therapist, I KNOW there's a big secret he's holding onto because nothing makes sense. Nothing. He swore on his life he had no secrets, and I was just insecure. Take this as a lesson: when your gut tells you something is "off", you don't need further proof. You need no proof. Your gut just knows. Period.

And so, she and I had a very long overdue conversation. We learned that we were both taken for fools, both used, both good women who simply believed in someone we loved. We wished each other well...and I hung up, feeling relieved, feeling like I finally got the closure I was looking for, and feeling f#$ng pissed off!! And then my chest began hurting...and it hurt every single time I had an "Oh, so that's why he..." moment. So I did what I thought I needed to do. If I was having a chest pain, I figured it made sense that I needed to get something off my chest. And so I picked up the phone and called him. "Lobster (I wanted to call him all sorts of names but I held my tongue) by now you know that I've spoken with your ex. All I can say is that karma is a REAL BITCH and I hope you know what you're doing, because it will all come back to you. So, God bless you when that time comes. In the meantime, I thought you were the love of my life, but you were the LIE of my life." And I hung up. I could do no more, because the truth is you cannot vent to someone like that. It would be wasted breath to say everything, when I knew he would deep down have a smug smirk on his face. He's just not worth it. Really, and truly.

I'm so glad I moved on. I told the Quiet One all about it, and he surprisingly was VERY supportive. He listened to me bitch, cry, question, and the whole time, he held me, and told me it would be alright. He actually told me somethings that made me feel healed from it all. Any man would easily say, "That's your past, forget about him. It's us now." And any man would be right to do that. But the Quiet One, I believe, understood this incomplete issue in my life, and he was kind enough to entertain it for amoment, but he wouldn't allow me to feel sorry for myself. He showed me how all these events happened for a reason. And the best thing was that he said, "I'm glad it didn't work out, otherwise, I wouldn't have met you now. I'm so happy he's in my life. I'm happy. I feel that God has rewarded me for no longer tolerating crap in my life....The Quiet One is also the Noble One, the Good One, the Honest One! He's quickly become the love and light of my life.

Fast forward to last week. I have had to see a cardiologist because the chest pains have never left. They happen now for no reason at all. I shouldn't say it's pain as much as it feels like someone is sitting on me and won't get up. I've had an xray, an ekg, an echo-cardiogram, and a stress test..all normal. My doctor says anxiety is a diagnosis of exclusion. In other words, before he says the chest thing is due to anxiety, he has to rule out everything else first. Now the chest discomfort comes for no reason at all. I could be sitting, resting, thinking about nothing at all, and it comes on suddenly. Sometimes it sits with me for days, sometimes it drives me crazy. I was talking to a friend and I told her that I don't think it's unfinished business because I forgave him a long time ago. I won't allow the jerk to rule my life like power to him, hell no. And then she said the most profound thing. She said, "Judy, I know that you forgave him already. But have you forgiven yourself?" And wow. I was stoppped in my tracks. I could't refute it, I couldn't argue, debate...she was right. I haven't forgiven myself. I haven't forgiven myself for having been so stupid to believe his lies, to not pick up on the clues, for allowing myself to be mistreated, neglected, to be second...ugh. How do I do that? I have forgiven EVERYONE for EVERYTHING that has ever been done to me...but how do I do that when I wasn't even aware that I was mad at myself? It's a great thought. I have to chew on that for a while...Oh, by the way, if you ever find the Lobster, you have my blessing to throw him back in the ocean, or just simply broil it.

Thursday, September 22, 2011


I was so looking forward to performing at the Hoboken Italian Festival, Friday, September 9, 2011! I love singing outdoors at free concerts...there is just a different vibe of joy in the air. Maybe because it's free? No. Because people love to gather and celebrate with music. I was specifically looking forward to it because some of the cast ot the Style Network's Jerseylicious were hosting the show: Anthony - hairstylist & "everybody's uncle", Tracy - beautiful hairstylist and Olivia's nemesis. I wish they would just stop fighting, but I admit it's somewhat entertaining to see them just hate each other. (Psychologically, I think they see in each other what they despise within themselves, but that's a whole other blog), Gigi -the most adorable hairstylist whom everyone just loves, and Doria, make up artist and part of my Chunky but Funky club..she sees things as they are. She celebrates her curves and I love it! I am a deeply intellectual woman who loves dramas, documentaries and anything pertaining to the spirit, however, watching Jerseylicious is my absolute guilty pleasure - I'm so hooked!

The Quiet One (who's still in the picture - we just celebrated our four month-iversary!) was going to come to the show, but he'd gotten back from work too late so he passed. But I was expecting some of my classmates from Zumba class, including our instructor, Jeannine Severino. As soon as I got there, the fierce enemy of all women's hair began it's attack on me: the Humidity Beast! It began its full-fledged attack on my hair a soon as I walked out of the limo. I immediately saw Cynthia, George Lamond and Fascination. Performing with them is like performing with family. I always know it's going to be a good show because we're in good company. I saw a man who looked familiar. "Heyyyyyy!! How are ya? What's going on? You look good," I yelled out to him. Then I realized, I feel like I know this man, but from where? Duh. Duh. It was Anthony from Jerseylicious, lol. That deja vu feeling was from seeing him on the show. I felt like an idiot calling out to him as if we were best buddies, but he took it like a champ. Anthony proceeded to tell me how much he loves my music and how excited he was to introduce me on stage. We took a couple of pictures together, and then I was introduced to Tracy, but I didn't see Gigi...I know I sound like a stalker, but it's all good. I have no shame. Tracy was very graceful, actually, she was far kinder than she appears on the show. I secretly wished she would fix my hair as I began to look more and more like Chaka Khan as the night grew.

...and so Anthony introduced me and there I was, frizzy hair and all. I brought my 80's goodie bag to show the audience. The bag was filled with Aqua Net, Drakkar Cologne, a Sony walkman, a cassette tape along with a no.2 pencil and of course, the prehistoric 12" record. The crowd loved it and I continued to sing. It was SO hot and humid on stage that I was distracted. All I kept thinking was, 'Oh, my God, it's so freakin' hot! Ugh, I can't even breathe, I can't hear myself either.' And then I could bear it no longer and removed my light jacket. The crowd howled - don't know why. I guess they enjoy seeing the wings of fat under my arms or the cute little love handles across my back, lol. Either way, it was a fun show.

Afterward I was invited by Jeannine & my zumba friends to go have a drink. I could have attended the afterparty,but honestly, my feet were killing me and I just wanted to sit. On our way to find a bar, a fan asked me to sing Stay to her. I was in a good mood, so I sang it to her, and she was so appreciative. It was a very sweet moment. And then I heard a very loud voice, "Judyyyy!! Girlfriend, you better not leave without saying hello." To my surprise, it was Doria from Jerseylicious, my chunky but funky new friend! She was SO cool. We talked about being plus sized and the challenges that come with it. And then she said, "Girl we need to get together and talk. You know that new show called Big Sexy? We need to get our own show, hello!!!" She was smart, sassy and I really liked her - we exchanged numbers and texted each other for an hour. Very cool. So then my zumba friends and I searched different places in Hoboken and finally ended up at Texas Arizona, a local Hoboken bar. There were about 6 women and 2 men from class and we all were talking. At one point, I looked around and we were all laughing. I just felt a real sense that I had made new friends. I love my close circle of friends, but it is always good to step outside of your comfort zone.

My one-drink-promise with them had been made, I was tired and I needed to get home. I had called the Quiet One to tell him I was stopping for a drink with my zumba friends and that I'd call him when I got home. A ride home was offered to me by one of the guys from class - he lives nearby me so I said okay. While he was driving me home, he asked me if my boyfriend would mind a man driving me home. And I said, "No, he would be fine with it...he's not the jealous type." At least that's what the Quiet One told me. When I got home, I called the Quiet One - it was almost 2 in the morning. I told him of my adventures and he listened half awake. The next day, when he was more alert, I told him everything, including the guy driving me home. He was fine. He was fine with it all. He told me, "I trust you, Judy. I will only get jealous if you give me a reason. you have the right to your friends, to have fun, to hang out with them, and you shouldn't have worried about getting home late. It's fine. We all need that sometimes." Wow. I realized that I have grown accustomed to the "Where the hell were you? Who were you with? Why didn't you ask me if he could drive you home? Why did you get home so late?". I realized almost once a week that I'm still shedding myself of my old baggage. I just remember laying my head down with a smile on my face. Life is good.