Tuesday, May 24, 2011


If you read my most recent blog, you will know that I had my first date in almost 7 months! I have named the man I met at Euro Lounge, The Quiet One. He simply had a quiet nature to him, and sometimes because of all the "noise" in my life, that is what I can be drawn to.

I never get my hopes too high because in my past, I have been stood up MANY times...so I now always have plan B in case the date falls apart. The plan was to go to the movies if he canceled. So we had textedback and forth and had a couple of conversations and then one day, I received a text: "...I liked that you had a good time & that i was a part of your blog. Pretty cool!"


He read my blog???? Damn. I had no idea - not too many men even follow my blog, lol. I don't think I told him about it. Either way, that meant that he knew about my panic attack when I thought he was leaving without asking for my number. Quiet One told me he didn't ask because he assumed that everyone asks for my number. Remember the show Odd Couple? Oscar told Felix in one episode, "Never assume anything - because when you assume. You make an ass=(out of) u + me!" I never forgot that line...never. It struck me for a second that perhaps that's why no one asks me for my number. Do other men think that about me too? Hm, wonder.

Saturday had arrived & I was performing in my current hometown, Jersey City for the Everything Jersey City Festival...it was going to be a long day because I sang with Mirage for a wedding the day before until 1am. I knew I would be tired and was a little concerned about the beating my voice would be taking, but the show must go on. So I woke up Saturday, went to Zumba class. Did I mention I'm obsessively addicted to it? I am. Love it! Okay, so I went to zumba. Got home, had a cup of coffee and a croissant. Took a shower. Went to the festival. I went on about a quarter after 5=Latino time - which meant I was scheduled to go on at 5pm sharp. I had a lot of support at the show. My best friend, Brenda, filled in as a road manager because my road manager, David, was away on military leave. Three of my zumba classmates showed up, Vickie Deleo & Leslie Guttenplan - regulars on my facebook page and MAJOR supporters of my career were there too. I knew it was Leslie's birthday the next day, so as a gift I gave her my one & only pair of designer sunglasses (Versace, sigh)...I wanted to give her something meaningful, and believe me...they were the only designer anything I owned - so they meant a lot.

On stage, I was very happy! I am mostly happy onstage. I cannot describe this well, but since I talk so much, I am going to try. Looking out into the crowd, I know there are people in the audience who cannot afford to go see a show, so something like this means a lot to them. And I can almost tell which people they are. And then I see the children's eyes...so full of wonderment..as if I'm a magical creature...and I always see it as an opportunity to remind them to go after their dreams. And then there are the smiles. Scattered smiles in the crowd: some of them are just enjoying the show, some smiles are proud smiles and then there are the ones I cannot interpret, but I feel like I'm receiving hundreds of silent blessings at once.

After the show, there were so many people wanting to take pictures and get autographs. There wasn't any order at all, lol. So I made an announcement: "Okay, this is the deal. I will take pictures with EVERYONE. I will not leave until the last person is done. So please be patient and don't trample each other, ok? Children first." And that was it...a VERY mature crowd...I really was proud to see that in my own neighborhood. I took pics, signed autographs, talked to people...I was there for about another hour.

And then I flew home to get ready for my date with the Quiet One. He was actually at the show, but I didn't see him...and I knew it was his first time seeing me perform (another plus because he had no pre-conceived notion about me). For the first time, I didn't invite "the new guy" in my life to come with me to a show. I think I let them in far too early. Then I end up feeling used in some way or another that I exposed the most sacred part of my life to someone not deserving of it. Oddly enough, I think he's the one I should have invited, lol. We had agreed to meet at a certain time...and then while I was in the shower...Oh, shoot! I forgot to give hime the address. LOL...he can't pick me up if he doesn't know where he's going.

When the Quiet One picked me up, he was standing outside his car. It was then I realized that, wow, people do look different in day light. I met him in a dark lounge. I want to be clear about this. He is still handsome in daylight and in the nighttime, lol...I just didn't realize the crystal blue eyes! Nice! By the way, I'll get this out of the way now. Yes, I'm older than him...but NO NO NO...I am not a cougar. LOL. Promise. (He's not in his 20s - let's put it that way.) As we were on our way to go eat, he made a wrong turn and in trying to get back on the highway, he accidentally pulled into the parking lot of the Red Roof Inn. Uh, ahem. LOL. We both laughed about that NOT being the place for our first date, and we were off.

The weekend had been so crazy it was nice to sit and relax. Our conversation flowed very well, and he let me order whatever I wanted at my leisure. I ordered not one, but two margaritas. I REALLY wanted to have a drink. But I stopped after two. On a firet date, NEVER get drunk. When dinner was done, we decided to go for a ride...and then we went for a walk. He is a good listener - I appreciated that about him. And he was just so genuinely sweet. We both discussed what we are looking for. I told him I have no desire for a fling. I am looking for "the one." I'm 42...living on my own since I was 19...it's time. He claimed that he's looking for a relationship - no flings. Good because fling ain't my thing.

He was wonderfully adorable, sweet, polite...and seemed not to be holding anything back. As we walked by the water, we found a bench and sat down to talk some more. It was great. Weather was perfect. Good company. Good conversation. And I noticed it. Quiet one is apparently a shy one too, lol. I observed that he had a bit of a hard time with eye contact. Normally I would conclude that he was a dishonest man. The eyes are the window to the soul...so if you can't look at me, what is it you don't want me to see? But I could tell he was just shy. He apologized and we continued to talk.

A VERY intoxicated woman walked by - very angry with a man. She had a favorite word: f#$k! In fact she made the word her own...very colorful indeed and full of LOTS of emotion. Finally, it became so funny to me, that I told him I'd give him a quarter for every time she used the word. I believe we got to $3.75 in under a minute. What was my favorite moment of the night? I asked if I could put my head on his shoulder. And he said yes, and then his arm found the courage to enfold around me. It was very nice. I felt comforted. I think I needed it...don't know why. He has a wonderful shoulder!! Strong shoulders are often overlooked.

As we arrived at the doorstep to my house, I thanked him and he asked if we would go out again. Of course. yes. And then it happened.





Que??? What?

I was speechless. Every first date I had ever gone on in my lifetime always ended either with a tap kiss, a make out or me declining a kiss. But I cannot say with confidence I had been hugged good bye. I felt mildly tortured. LOL. In fact I had never left a date not knowing where I stood. So I called. Shouldn't have. But I did.

"Um, I'm a little confused. Did you not want to kiss me?"

(You see,people? even I have my insecure moments.)

"Yes, of course," he replied. "I respect you. I wanted to show that I respect you. Don't think I didn't want to."
"Oh, okay," We said goodnight...and I thought about it.

Initially I felt slightly rejected, but in the end I felt extremely respected. And I thought to myself, he's a gentleman. Good. Thank you, God, for placing a kind man in my path. So, I went to sleep and finally bhe non-dating spell had been broken!! Woohooo!! ...to be continued.

Friday, May 20, 2011


A few weeks ago, I was personally invited to see John Leguizamo's new Broadway show, Ghetto Klown. I almost didn't get to go, but his people accomodated my schedule and I am, to this day, very grateful. I had already seen his past one-man shows, Freak and Sexaholics, and I was just in awe of his tremendous talent. Back in the 90s, I used to do one-woman cabaret shows in the theater district. It was so hard to come up with all the material to give the show a rhythm and keep people interested - at least I had music to fill some gaps. But doing a one-man hour to two hour monologue is a serious project to take on. So when I heard he has done it again at the Lyceium Theater in NYC, I HAD to go & show my support.

I had met John Leguizamo in 1997, while I was on the KTU Morning Show. He had come to do an interview with us. Anytime a successful Hispanic came to KTU I so badly wanted to ask them questions. Not about what their next project was, or whether silly rumors were true. I wanted to ask them, "How did you do it? What obstacles, as a Latino, if any, did you have to hurdle over? Do we have similar dysfunctional, violent, and traumatic childhoods?" While I was on the morning show, the producer didn't really allow me to speak. So I just had to wonder the questions in my mind. But to this day, I still have the photo he took with me, while wearing his sunglasses...it was a proud day for me. And you need to know, he was especially gracious to me.

So, I went to see Ghetto Klown on a Monday - evening performance. I was seated in D114 - orchestra seats. Those are $115 tickets, baby! When I sat down, I was in awe how close I was...and I was VERY grateful. Ghetto Klown is an incredibly raw and honest portrayal of Mr. Leguizamo's rise and fall...and rise again in his personal and professional life. It is quite impressive to see him reinvent his stories, and tell them humorously and at times even show his own vulnerabilities. He does an amazing job at combining the music of different decades and his stories of his own life. He dances too - and I love the way he dances...he's actually pretty freaking adorable!! LOL.

To my surprise, John mentions the genre of freestyle in a way I never thought I'd hear in my own lifetime. He keeps it real, honest, and doesn't try to mask a darn thing. I cannot quote him verbatim, but it was something like this: "Madonna stole freestyle from Sa-Fire and Sweet Sensation!" Oh.....my.....God....did he really say that? He said it...and he said it loud. And I know some people didn't know what the heck he was talking about. But if you're a latino in New York, you get the reference immediately. I was just stunned to speechless. Here he is a Tony-Award nominated actor, comedian extraordinaire (and by the way I thought he was awesome in Moulin Rouge) - talking about freestyle. I don't discuss these things often because I like to focus on the positive and not the negative. I prefer to move on, than to stay stuck in the past. But ok. I'll say it. Freestyle was cheated and never given its true due respect. Freestyle was born here. It was a genre of music created by its mostly inner-city, hispanic youth. AND it was innocent music. You will never hear of a "gangster" freestyle song. And the thing was that freestyle had reached a height that even the top 40 music industry, the political industry was finally forced to acknkowledge the heightened popularity and demand for freestyle. A few of us crossed over and were signed to MAJOR labels: George Lamond, Lissette Melendez, Sa-Fire, Cover Girls, Sweet Sensation. The general vibe of music began to copy the sound, and somewhere along the line, it was destroyed. Sometimes it was destroyed because the general major music industry just wasn't ready for us. THey didn't know what to do with us, and they tried to CHANGE who we were - that was the first mistake. And then, others came forward, producing freestyle...some of it was not as good. Many copied the sound, everyone wanted to sing it, produce it, release it, and somehow in the rush - the people paid less attention to the QUALITY of the music and were just thinking about a quick buck! And one day, HOT 103 announced that freestyle was being replaced by hip-hop and would no longer be on the radio. Thus the fall of freestyle began. And yet, it had not died and still lives...and to have John Leguizamno, a major player in the mainstream industry, mention freestyle - well it was just exhilarating. And there I was screaming my butt off like a crazed woman winning on the Price is Right!!

After the show, and his standing ovation, I walked away with a little voice in my head nudging me: 'Hey, why don't you tell them who you are, and see if they'll bring you backstage?' But I HATE using my name to get things. I know, as I'm often told, that it is completely natural to do it, but the goodie-two-shoes-girl in me just can't. When I woke up the next morning, I found an email from one of his people telling me that when the show was over, go see so-and-so, and he will walk me to the back to meet John. NOOOOOOOO!!! How is it that I received this email a day late? It can't be. But I was still satisfied that I was given the incredible opportunity to see John Leguizamo in action...and it was free too, lol.

Then on Monday, May 16th, I get a call from Wilma, my friend who's band I sing with (Mirage) when I don't have shows. "Chica, um, I know you already saw the show but so-and-so can't make it, and we have an extra one...you'll have to pay for it though." Who cares? YES!! yes, I want to go! When I asked who was coming I was told that a certain celebrity's mom asked her to invite me, and I was honored. So, in the middle of cleaning out my closets, and looking at a tornado of clothing all over, I abandoned it all and jumped in the shower.

The second time seeing Ghetto Klown was definitely better than the first time. Ironically I was seated in the same row. The usher who walked me to my seat recognized me and I was seated next to two wonderful women, one of whom is Mr. Leguizamo's cousin. They were very friendly, and his cousin said to me, "You should say something...he'll shout you out during the show." "Nah, that's ok. I love all his work. I'm a fan no matter what. I'm just glad he mentioned freestyle in his show at all!"

John Leguizamo stepped out and was brilliant - it was the same show (which must be exhausting for him to do day in and day out), but for some reason it really resonated for me. When he discussed his father's disposition and attitude about life, his feelings about feeling somewhat unsupported by his father, etc...I just totally related. In fact I was able to relate too much, and I found myself crying during one of his scenes. The thing that strikes me about John is that he is willing to go to that painful place and talk about it, help us laugh about it - that others are not willing to go to. It's just too painful. When he mentioned freestyle again, I yelled even louder than the first time and so did a whole lot of other people too! At the end, he was given another standing ovation..and the theater cleared, as if just 5 minutes ago no one had been there.

We were escorted upstairs where we waited to meet John. I wasn't going to even try, but thanks to my friends who invited me, there were were - waiting for him. It reminded me that waiting for him and being patient must be what some of my fans go through. And I had LOTS of compassion. I think we waited almost a half-hour, but I would have waited overnight for the chance to say hello. As soon as he saw us, he said, "Judy, what's up, girl?? Are you still singing? Still at the station?"


Breathe, Judy...just be normal. "Yes, I am."
"Aw, you should have said something - I would have shoutled you out and Lissette Melendez too."


I asked if he would take another picture with me.
"Claro que si." (Yes, of course!)
And as I walked toward him, he said, "Oh, I love a tall woman towering over me!" LOL....he was gracious, he was professional and gave me personal attention that I was not expecting. He signed my PlayBill too. He hugged me and kissed me and I told him, "I think we have the same father." "Oh, yeah?" "Absolutely." He even told me to tweet him. I am going to TWEET him for sure, lol!!!!

Ghetto Klown touched me so profoundly and actually healed a couple of unresolved emotional wounds I had about my childhood. John made me find the humor in the dysfunctions of life. He made me realize that our success today couldn't be possible without the many failures and disappointments of our yesterday - dysfunction and all! Please go see this show! He does INCREDIBLE impersonations of Al Pacino, Steven Segal, Patrick Swayze and his wonderful family.Please go see the show and support a man who is honest enough to put it all out there - to admit to his own shortcomings and mistakes - and yet allow us to walk away knowing life can redeem us all!!

Thursday, May 19, 2011


It was Saturday, May 14th. Finally. A night off - first one in months. You see, I usually have club gigs and concerts on Saturdays, and when I don't, I sing with the band, Mirage. So I had a couple of invitations: one to see France Joli at Eve Ultra Lounge in S.I., and the other to see George Lamond perform at Euro Lounge, in North Arlington, NJ. France is one of my favorite singers! To this day, whenever I hear "Heart to Break the Heart," I still can't hold the note as long as she can, lol. She and I became friends when we had a show together & she found out I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis - her sister was diagnosed with it too. I wanted to see her, but since the friends I was supposed to go with never called me, I decided to keep it local.

Frankie Vasquez, Euro Lounge's deejay, invited me & promised me tapas (Spanish hors d'oeuvres)...how could I decline? When I got there, I sat and enjoyed my tapas, chatted with Frankie, and the proceeded to the bathroom. The bathroom is always such a fascinating place to me. I know it sounds so wrong on so many levels, but either I find answers to my questions in life while I'm there, or I find inspiration for writing a new song...or I hear things that I wouldn't think of ever hearing. For example, I've gone to clubs to sing and have had to use the bathroom, and after all I am human. I'd be in the stall with the door closed and hearng things like, "Oh, my God, I can't wait to see Judy Torres perform!" or "What the heck was she wearing?" - it's a cool place to be indeed.

This particular night, I was in the stall, and heard the following comments:

"Oh, my God...look at this hair! Ugh!"
"God, I wish I wore I different bra...look at this!"
"Well, I'll have to wear a jacket over this, look at this flab."

I couldn't take it anymore. I bursted out of the stall. Okay, I opened the door, but I wanted to bust out. And I told the women, "This is crazy foolishness. I have heard nothing in the last five minutes but women dogging themselves, putting themselves down. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? I bet you the men are not standing at the urinals saying to one another, "Oh, my God...look at my t-shirt. It doesn't even match my eyes. And ugh, these love handles!" Did we not put in the extra effort to make ourselves look our best? Are we not here to have a good time?" The women laughed, and we began to exchange stories about weight loss surgeries, and make up. Before you know it, a few women were around me as I showed them the secret to getting the perfect smokey natural eye, lol. And you know what? I was having a ball in that bathroom. Why? I needed the girl banter, and it was because no one knew it was me...I KNEW that we were just a whole bunch of girls having fun. And then a woman walked in.

"Oh!!! Oh, my God."
I'm thinking, 'Nooo...noooo don't say it.'
"It's Judy Torres! I love love you!"
My cover was blown. LOL.

I am thrilled by her reaction. Please don't get me wrong. It always feels wonderful to be recognized (as long as I'm not in yesterday's hairstyle, throwing out the garbage) - but that night, I just wanted to be Judy. Either way, she was a cool person, and invited me to hang out with her friends. I thought it was actually a nice idea. She bought me a drink. I told her not to - they'd give it to me for free, lol, but she insisted. As I drank my raspberry cosmpolitan, we were introduced and began to chat. The music was GREAT, and when music is great, I cannot stay in my seat. So we got up to dance, and I secretly prayed my straight hair would not betray me and go curly. I had to take a moment and sit because I knew my hair was beginning it's Chaka Khan transformation, like the Incredible Hulk when he is angry. So as I sat down, I looked around & see this woman's tag from her dress just screaming for attention. I believe as women we must look out for one another. If there is toilet tissue on the bottom of the shoe; if the zipper is open, if the tag is hanging outside when it should be inside...tell her!! That goes for men too, actually. so I walked over to her, and whispered in her ear. "Don't worry. Just fixing the tag." She thanked me and I walked away. Shortly after, I noticed one of the gentlemen who was with my new-found bathroom friend, was dancing while sitting in his chair. "Why are you dancing sitting down?" He smiled and shrugged his shoulders. I got up, took his hand. "Come on, let's dance."

The music was great, and I really didn't want to sit down. I was gratefull for the shoes I'd chosen to wear. They were kind to my feet, and my feet were eternally grateful. I was able to dance...and dance...and dance. As he and I were dancing...oh, I forgot I've got to give him a name, huh? I'll call him the Quiet One for now. I began to wonder if the Quiet One was dancing with me because he was just indulging my request, or if it was that he was really enjoying himself. I asked him a few questions here and there, and went to get another drink. We sat down. A man walked up to me and handed me a rose. "Judy, this is to thank you for your music." Awww...that was so sweet. Just then the women at the table said, "That is so cool...don't you love that?" I responded, "Yes, it's pretty awesome, but it's been a long time since I've gotten a rose just because." I know everyone thinks I have men in line for me, but that is so the antithesis of the truth. Antithesis...such a great word! Ooh, I'm mildly excited, lol. Big words excite me, lol. Okay, I strayed. Back to the subject.

George Lamond finally arrived and I went to the back to say hello. "What are you doing here?" I laughed and told him I had a night off. "You're looking good, Judy! What have you been doing?" My answer: "Zumba..it's all about Zumba. I am addicted! I love it!" I appreciated the compliment.And yes, since I believe the end of March or so, I have lost 23 pounds. I lost this weight because I love Zumba - NOT because my manager insisted on it. And yes, I have a lot to go, but I'm content with me right now. I have great cardio stamina, more energy..and knowing I have multiple sclerosis...I feel better that my health is in a better place. George asked me to sing Don't Stop Believin' with him. YES!!! I love singing with George - he is a true vocalist. And I love harmony...the harmony in that song is sick (sick in a good way)!

The time came and he called me up onstage to sing...and my stupid microphone was not working. Ah, man!!!! Darn. George was gracious (he's a gentleman always) enough to share his mic with me. During his performance, a few people asked to take pictures with me. I told them I would but after his show. I consider it highly disrespectful to take pictures while someone else is performaing. Everyone was so kind. The people who go to Euro are just wonderful, mature and open people. As I went to the bar to get water, this guy says to me, "Please take a picture with me...wow, my girlfriend is going to be so jealous." So I take the picture and ask him, "Why didn't you bring your girlfriend here?" His response? "Because I knew I was going to meet you." Wowwwww...lol.

The night was sadly coming to an end. Last call for alcohol was announced, and the lights came up. The woman who's tag I tucked back into her dressed thanked me again. She made me laugh when she joked that she would always remember that Judy Torres fixed her tag. We are now actually communicating on facebook...which I think is pretty cool. So the Quiet One walks up to me. I'm wondering if he'll ask me for my number.

"Well, Judy, it was so nice to meet you."
Ask me, come on...ask me.
"Guess I'll see you around?"
Nooooo...don't go without asking me, idiot!!!!

And then I did what I promised I wouldn't do anymore: I sugggested. I hinted.

"Maybe we can do coffee sometime?"
"Yeah, that would be cool. What's your number?"
Ding, ding, ding...and the crowd in my mind cheers!

Although I was happy, I wondered if I "forced" something to happen, and that's the last thing I wanted to do. But he did contact me the following day, and we are going to have our first date very soon. I'll keep you posted. All in all, even if that didn't happen at all, I have to say I had Saturday Night fever...and I had so much fun! Thank you, Euro Lounge people!! (www.euroloungecafe.com)

Sunday, May 15, 2011


My father recently told me he was going to take a very long trek with his wife so she could visit her brother in the hospital via public transportation. With my father being 79 years old, I just didn't see that happening. So I offered to drive them - about and hour and a half away. It was a Friday (first Friday I'd had off in a while) - so I sacrificed the day, lol..I had originally planned to go hiking or do a movie, but family first.

When I picked up my dad and his wife and they were preparing to enter my car, the first thing I said was, "This is MY ship. I am the captain. no one tells me how to steer my ship." I had to make the humorous disclaimer because my father's domineering disposition sometimes makes me anxious. My father's more than 30 years of experience as a tractor trailer driver for the U.S. Postal Service has definitely earned him the right to warn me, but he does it constantly...and it drives me crazy. it's like when I'm on KTU and my boss calls me criticizing me while I'm on the air - he makes me a nervous wreck & I gradually become worse on the air and stutter, making all sorts of mistakes I would never have made. Well, my father telling me how fast to go, and his commanding ways..just make me nervous. And a nervous driver makes a very bad driver.

As they walked into the car, my father sat in the back. Hm. That's weird. He never did that before. Initially I was relieved. I figured it was better he be a backseat driver than right up front. But then I had a thought. Why? Why is Papi sitting in the back? When I turned around he had his leg up.

"Papi, it's your knee again, huh?"
"Yeah, Ju-ju...it's killing me."

Wow. I need you to understand who my father is. He is SO opposite of Mr. Brady from the Brady Bunch. He is more like a combination of the father in the 70s sitcoms: Archie from All in the Family and Michael Evans from Good Times. Tough. Tough as steel, hard as nails...a real force to be reckoned with. He's so tough that to this day, as a 42 year old woman, I immediately feel like that six year old girl with him towering over me. I knew his knee's been an issue for a little while. Oh, yes, I forgot to mention how stubborn he can be too...he knows he needs knee replacement and he refuses. I am empathetic to his feelings and am doing my best to respect his wishes - because after all he is 79. So we were off...after we dropped off his wife, we had some alone time, and we went to have brunch. I had a hunch to go to the passenger side as soon as I parked the car. My father began to pull himself up and he struggled. I reached out for him. "No, Judy...I got it. Watch your father. See? This is what I do." He then used the side of the car to support his weight & push himself up. My first thought was 'wow, he's very smart'...but then I became a little concerned. What if one day he goes to pull himself up against the car & hurts his shoulder? Or worse, what if he can't, and he falls. The idea of my father hurting himself is a thought I have not had before. And my heart aches at the thought of it.

I had been fantasizing about having a real deep conversation with my father. I feel like I'm running out of time, and I would really love to be much closer to him. I had a fantasy in my head about how the conversation wuold flow. Life is never how you fantasize it - sometimes better than you could imagine; sometimes worse. I felt we were making great progress, when all of a sudden he told me that he bets when he dies, I'll go sing somewhere and do a show. WHAAAATT?!! How could my own father even think that - I have been kind, respectful and loving to him and nothing less. Ugh. I hate when he does that. I assured him that family cmoes first - that if God forbid, that happened, of course I would cancel everything & be there. Wow. Done. End of conversation for me, lol.

On our way back to take them home, I looked over and saw my father sleeping. It may sound strange, but I have NEVER seen my father sleep. I saw him there - he seemed so gentle - kind of like a lion when it sleeps, lol. And for the first time, I genuinely worried about what will happen to my father. I sincerely saw him as vulnerable - so strange - so surreal to feel that way. I love my father. So much more than he could ever imagine.

One week later...

I worked at KTU until 8pm on Mother's Day, and drove straight to mom's house to see her. I promised I'd take her shopping the next day. That Monday morning, my mom said, "Judy...excuse me, ok? But I'm going to cry now. Just let me cry." Talk about having your heart break. I am the first person to comfort anyone when they cry, but she almost said it as if she didn't want to be bothered. I let her cry for about 10 seconds or so...but I HAD to put my arms around her. She began to express her frustration about everything in her life...I know that feeling, and I'm sure we all do. It's those times in our lives that we feel like life is eating us up and not the other way around.

I let her cry. Sometimes you need a good cry - it releases toxins, stress & sometimes it just cleans the slate of your mind. When she was finally ready to talk, she expressed how hard it has been to be in pain all the time. Her hip still bothers her. My father's knee - my mom's hip. Ouch. I remember when I was first diagnosed with multiple sclerosis - the pain in my head and eye that lasted for 6 weeks was unbearable. I became depressed and I was totally understanding why sometimes people ask to be euthanized...so I don't judge people in pain. The more she talked about it, the more surprised I became. Either I have been blind, or she has hid her pain well. She was upset about so many things...some I knew, others I didn't...I guess you could say according to what I observed, I'd say she was in crisis mode. But in our lives there are no victims allowed.

"Mom, why haven't you said anything?"
"What's the use? I'm always in pain - can't sleep, can't stand, can't do what I want to do & it's so frustrating."
Finally after a few minutes, I convinced her to call her doctor to find out her optons for pain management. It is very hard for me to see my mom change recently. I know she's older, but my mom has always been a go-getter and I just feel like she's in the prime of her life. She should be doing things for her happiness. She raised 5 of us all on her own, and I just want to see her get the joy & fulfillment I know she deserves. I gave her as many sources for help as I could think of, but ultimately, she needs to decide that she's worth it. She needs to love herself enough to pick up the phone & be proactive. She needs to love herself much more...and I tell her that all the time. I just don't know if I've reached her. She's been a GREAT mom, and she has planted seeds of positivity that flow from my spirit every day. And I just want to see her live the life she taught me.

So, I am sure these things are normal. I'm sure it's normal to question life - I'm sure it's normal that our parents get older. I'm sure it's all natural the flow and ebb of life. Birth. Life. Death. I'm at an age now where I have many friends who've lost their parents. I know it will be my turn to be a part of that club one day, but I'm not ready. I don't know if one is EVER ready. But I can feel the fear brewing from the pit of my stomach. And I am faced with wondering the following: How will they pass, when will they pass, will I be able to be there for them. My heart literally feels pain and my eyes fill with water when I begin to even fathom these things...I guess I am beginning to feel the reality of their mortality. Yes, I am holding every moment with them as precious jewels now.