HAVE I SHARED TOO MUCH?

I hestitated to write this blog, because there is a battle within myself to show you the best side of me, because, well, I want to inspire, to encourage...so the other side of me wants to hide. But because I want to be honest, I will honor you and myself with the truth:  it's been a tough two weeks.

First, let me confess that something's been wrong physically.  I cannot give you a concrete, detailed analysis, because I don't know what it is. But I should tell you that there have been some issues...one that possibly points to the multiple sclerosis that I was diagnosed with so many years ago. I have been symptom free for years now, with just a mild tingle in my pinky finger, and sometimes a little fatigue. Otherwise...symptom free.  The possibility of another attack, relapse, may be underway.  But there are other symptoms - some swelling, some fatigue, the foot pain, just strange pains, etc., - in spite of the fact that my sugar is good and my cholesterol and blood pressure are great -  that I cannot put my finger on that's caused me to feel a bit of alarm.  I finally did go to the doctor and they've run some tests - I now put my faith in God's hands that if something is wrong, God will reveal what we need to know.  And I also put my faith in God's hands that all will ultimately be well.  It may just be the mutlpile sclerosis deciding to bring on some sort of attack, and this may be a warning. And all this is a bit discouraging because I was just beginning to work out again and found a lot of joy in Zumba classes. Doctor told me to not exercise until I see her again...so I wait.

Another thing to confess.  This is the hard one. I think I'm depressed.  No. It's not just the "blues, but I wonder if I am depressed.  This is where I become afraid to tell you the truth.  But what is true is true.  You see, for the last two weeks or so, I have had some crying spells...I also am not focusing on things too well...my mind wanders and I'm finding it hard to concentrate.  Some years ago, in my twenties, I did suffer from depression, and I worked VERY VERY hard for many years to find my joy again.  And yes, it was a diagnosis by a medical doctor...I suffered from it many years ago. I did years of therapy, introspection, meditation, medication for a couple of months (yea, I said it, LOL) prayer and surrender.  When I say surrender, I mean that I surrendered to the truth that I was not functioning too well - that I needed help. And I got the help I needed and wanted.  You see I believe that the ability to admit you need help is actually a sign of GREAT health; that I care enough about myself to be honest about it.  And once in a while, that black cloud tries to make a comeback, and I don't let it.  But something is wrong. I know it. I feel it. 

I have been lonely...and yes, my fans, you are wonderful to me. You think,"God, she's got hit songs, she sings all over, she's on the radio, she's got fans who LOVE her, friends and family!  She's got a great life - what's to be sad about?"  You are right. And I don't take that for granted, and yet, something is wrong.  Something is wrong on the inside that has nothing to do with any of my loved ones...it's me.  I feel it in my gut.  So before it gets me, I will get it and smother the hell out of it! LOL. Anyway, my doctor and I have decided to do a full physical first to rule out all of the physical possibilities first...so I'm praying, I'm thinking and today, I am blogging...in the hopes that just expressing this will help me figure it all out.

I wonder:  Is it that I'm lonely?  - You know I've been single for two years now. Never thought that would happen. I look around and see couples...I know they are not perfect, but damn, they have someone! I wonder why it's not me. Yes, I'm trying to be patient and I remind myself that God WILL bring someone to me...the right one.  But I am lonely. I am also frustrated, that I have recently done nothing but think about the Lobster. When I look back, which I shouldn;t but Ido, I still don't understand what went wrong and it pisses me off!  Then I'm also freaking frustrated at these idiotic men (sorry guys, I don't mean you) that talk to me, call me, text me, email me, etc...and then we make plans and I get either stood up, or they play stupid games with me. Oh, yea, this is a good time to mention that I had a date all set last week with a completely different man...and I was still stood up...no call, no text! D-A-M-N!!!  What the...??? 

The average woman would be disappointed. The average woman would say, "His loss, the jerk- He doesn't even deserve me!!"  I do think those things, for about an hour.  Then I am devastated...and I cry. I'm too sensitive about it. I think it goes deeper than that. Oh I can psycho-analyze the crap out of this: I can say, "Well, I  have abandonment issues from my childhood, when I would wait for my father who didn't show." And even though I'm aware of it, I am still freaking devastated.  And quite frankly, I know I'm jumping around, but I haven't been the same since the whole weight issue was brought up to me...I've gone off track. Sorry.

My point is that for the last two weeks, I am constantly on the verge of tears....sometimes I let it out, but I am trying to hold it in. I don't want to upset those around me. I am afraid to say, "Mom, I think I'm depressed again."  I want to be held...does that make sense?  But I am proud of myself now that I am admitting it, bringing it into the light, instead of hiding it in the darkness where it only breeds and gets worse.  And then, I laugh...wait. I am 42 now...I could be peri-menopausal...maybe it's hormones.  By the way, yes, the doctor tested my hormone levels too, lol.  But if that's what this is - I HATE IT!!

So, in conclusion, I hope I haven't lost any fans, or potential boyfriends by this confession.  One day, I will blog the first 20 pages of my autobiography, so you can hear more.  So you may learn why this all started many years ago.  But. But. But. I wanted to show you who I am, who I can be sometimes...and yes, that even Judy Torres is just like you...and there is NO shame in that!!! Is there? NO!!!   Did I just give TMI??? LOL...Sorry, if I went there, but you know what, I am bearing a small smile of relief right now.  Have I shared too much?? 
  

IN THE COMPANY OF A STAR!!!

Wasn't even in Atlanta for 24 hours and yet it was a HUGE learning experience! I was nervous while taking off from the airport on my way to Atlanta to record a song that Chris Willis and I wrote.  After all, it's Chris Willis!!! Don't know who he is, I dare you to google him. I landed and called him as he had instructed me to. Chris picked me up and had the best aura around him.  Sometimes when you are around a person, you just know they possess so much positivity - and he's got it! Before we went to the studio, he took me to check into the hotel.  Originally, when Chris & I discussed my visit to record with him, I assumed I'd pay for the trip - because that's what I do; take responsibility and claim it on my taxes, haha.

Then I suddenly get an email from Chris & all arrangement were made in advance. I simply thought that when I saw Chris, I would reimburse him for costs. When we got to the front desk to check in, I was given my key and told it was "taken care of." I looked at Mr. Willis with suspicion:
"Chris, um, I thought I'd be paying for this."
"Well, maybe we can barter later or something."
I would like to add that this was not some Holiday Inn (no offense, Holiday Inn, I've had many nice stays at your fine establishment).  This was a 5 star, luxury - even-Oprah Winfrey-would-have-you-stay-there kind of hotel.  AND...there's more!  It was on the top floor, balcony, GORGEOUS room...you know the kind that leaves fluffy robes and shee-shee-foo-foo toiletries!!  I put my bag down and was off to the studio.

It was at his studio that I confessed my anxiety about recording with him.  I explained how when I see him perform I simply hear a star!  His vocal range and what he does with his voice exceeds my expectations. His stage presence is commanding, and I told him that I have just been so stupidly happy to see him rise to the top!!  He thanked me, and proceeded to tell me that after seeing me perform at Beatstock he wondered why I wasn't more famous! Ha! He wondered?  LOL..I wonder too!  That's the question!  Anyway, truth is I imagine that when he's in the studio he's a perfectionist and probably records everything on one take.  There are a few, a small elite group of people who can record a whole song on one take...Chris laughed when I told him that and told me not to worry.

We got started around 2:30pm.  It felt good - I felt good.  I felt supported.  And for once, because he was doing the engineering, I felt someone spoke my language.  In the past, whenever I've recorded, it's frustrating sometimes to work with people who do not sing. I mean no offense to any past producers, but singers, in a way, have a different language in the studio. Sometimes it is difficult for a producer to convey to a singer what they are looking to hear. But not only did Chris speak my language but he had like an advanced vocabulary!!!  I was very happy - the song is different than anything I've ever recorded. It has hints of R&B, Gospel, dance, pop...and it's a really happy song about believing you've finally found love - something you know I am secretly hoping for!! About four hours later, we went to dinner.

Hanging out with Chris Willis was a great experience. It was just me and him...and I picked his brain like crazy. I wanted to know what is his secret?  How did he find this success?  What does he tell himself when the "powers that be" in the music industry try to discourage him?  How does it feel to have two top 40 songs?  Every single question I asked he answered, and he answered with an honesty and a humility that I couldn't have received any better.  We also discussed things like family, matters of the heart, and spirituality and religion...Not to mention that dinner was GREAT!!  LOL.  He asked me questions too...and I felt I made a friend.  I realized right there and then, as the sun slowly went down in Atlanta, that God rewarded me a blessing, far beyond what I could have hoped for:  a new friend in the business and a deeper discussion about musical aspirations and dreaming for a higher level in life.

We reconvened the recording about 8pm or so.  I had recorded 2 verses, a bridge and background vocals had to be done.  Okay, there are background vocals that usually consist of two part harmony...and then there's Chris Willis harmony - four parts, and layers and layers of other vocals overlapping over others...in essence it's genius, but to record it...a whole new story, people!  Not only did I have to do those layers, but also had to record all of it (probably about 40 or so), in addition, I had to do it four times over so it sounds "fuller" ; choir like!  It was 11:30 when my throat began to hurt.  But I mentioned nothing to him, even though he persisted to ask intermittently if my throat was ok....only a true singer would know the threshold for the throat before it begins to tire.  And then I learned something I had not known...Chris would be flying in the morning to film his video for his new song!!!  How could he still be with me, when he has less than eight hours before he flies!!  He finally admitted that he thought we both did  not have the energy to finish and have the best result....and he drove me back to my room & I wished him a safe flight and gave him the advice my mom leaves me with before every show:  "Go and kick butt!"

I was on such an adrenaline high from recording with Chris Willis, that I didn't realize what my  body was going through. Aunt Flo made a cameo appearance, (I know, I know...too much information) my back was killing me, I had a migraine, and my legs were swollen! I walked into my hotel room, was just about to surrender to my gorgeous king size bed, when I suddenly realized something was in the room that hadn't been there when I first checked in:  a huge gorgeous, flower arrangement of pure white lillies!!!  The whole roomed smelled GORGEOUS!  I looked at the card:  "Judy, welcome to Atlanta!  Sing pretty! Love, Chris."

And this morning, I treated myself to breakfast in bed, and even with my throat sore, I managed to enjoy it.  I checked out, and as I walked outside, there was a black town car, there was a man holding a sign that read, "Ms. Judy Torres." Yep. Chris, the gentleman he is, sent a car to take me to the airport!!  And as the plane took off, I realize there is still a chorus to be recorded, but we arranged a future date to finish what we started.  This experience will stay in my heart for as long as I live and I will definitely pay it forward!!! But that, my friends...is what it felt like to be in the company of a STAR!!!                                           

Insomnia, Atlanta and Hope!

Chris Willis & Me - Day he offered to write with me! 

Rough night last night. Can't lie. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't stop hurting - yes I was feeling so sore. Couldn't stop thinking. Was thinking about the quiet. Normally, I love silence, but last night it was too loud. And then I cried. I cried for myself - I felt bad, didn't want to cry, but it had to happen. Maybe it's PMS...either way, if you're a woman and ever had pms, you know it feels as real to you as anything else - even if you feel like a psycho while you're in the midst of it. So I cried. I have been lonely. As long as I'm singing, working, on the air, writing, reading, I am okay. But when I am alone. Ugh. Just wish I had someone to wish me goodnight; to kiss me goodnight. The dating is scene is so rough - and I've been single now for over two years. I tell myself that there is a reason; that God is preparing a good man for me, or that I have something great coming up that if I had been with someone I wouldn't be able to do. But I cried. And then, only then, I fell asleep.

I was in my car this morning listening to the Gayle King Show on XM, and discovered that today is International Gratitude Day. Hm. Now I felt like crap for crying last night. It is just so true: if you find things to be grateful for, if you are in a spirit of thanks, there is no way you can be unhappy. So, my spirits were instantly lifted because I have SO much to be thankful for. I have a new thing to be thankful for. Tomorrow I am flying to Atlanta, Georgia, to record a new song that I wrote with Chris Willis!!

Chris Willis is an international pop star! And he is one of the few people in this cruel and fun industry whom I truly admire. A former gospel recording artist, his voice is just incredible. His vocal range NEVER goes out, and I have NEVER heard him sing a bad note. I've heard him sing at night after doing a stint of four shows in one night; and I have heard him sing first thing in the morning, just after arriving from Brazil hours before and STILL sound GREAT! His song, Love Is Gone, is a song that I still dance to and listen to in my ipod! When I first heard it, I wondered who this man is...and then, and THEN, when I discovered we had the same management - H E L L O!!! I HAD to meet him. He is not only an amazing vocalist, but he is also a most gracious human being. He has been nothing but kind to me, and when I had my sinus surgery last year, he was the ONLY one to send me anything!

One day after a sweet sixteen we were both booked for, I mentioned an idea to him for a song. He called me a few days later and told me he wanted to write something with me. Chris has a new song now that he did with David Guetta, Fergie and LMFAO, called No Getting Over You. And it is a top 40 hit - something that all recording artists strive to do! I thought that now with his fame and frenzied schedule I would have to put the whole idea of writing with him off. But I was wrong. He was truly a man of his word, and the song he wrote with me is so great! I am excited - the theme of the song is about a new encounter and feeling like he might be the one! Hopefully what I sing about will attract exactly that to me!

So now I'm nervous. I know you don't think I should be. But I am. It's the same as you being an actor and Merryl Streep invited you to do a scene with her. My biggest concern is my voice. I ho[e to have a great voice tomorrow and deliver what is expected of me. I am now in a new and higher caliber of talent, and if I perform and record well, it is possible that some of that wonderful talent, great blessings & a little bit of luck will rub off me! There will be no tears tonight - just a lot of hope and prayer!!

My LOVE for ZUMBA; My INDIFFERENCE for FOOTBALL!

So, I took a realistic look at myself.  And my family. Obesity runs in my family - don't know if it's genetic or not, but it is a reality. Diabetes is now part of my mom's life and I'm afraid I could be next one day.  As  much as I work on loving myself, I've been reading a book called  Women, Food & God.  The book was talked about on Oprah (and you know how much I love her).  The book suggests the idea that women who eat compulsively are not only trying to stuff down pain, anger, boredom, fear, etc, but they are disconnected with God, with living life to the fullest.  It suggests that your body is an IMMEDIATE reflection of how you feel about life & pain, love and being loved, etc.  It got me thinking that I have not been very kind to me at all lately.  I admit it. I struggle.  We all do.  We all have a monkey on our back & this is my momkey.  This monkey has lived with me so long, I am actually having back aches about it.  With the heartache of my recent meeting with my manager, which left me feeling HORRIBLE, and the fact that I don't want to cry victim, I decided to go ahead and try something new.  So I joined a new gym (I needed change of scenery) and have been taking Zumba classes for the last two weeks!

Zumba is a type of group dance/aerobic class. The Zumba program borrows Latin flavor from the following dance styles: Cumbia, Salsa, Merengue, Mambo, Flamenco, Chachacha, Reggaeton, Samba, Belly dancing, Bhangra, Hip Hop, and Tango.  You can easily burn 300-800  calories an hour, depending how much energy & effort you put into it.  Well, my first Zumba class, my friends, kicked my ass!! I didn't feel it at first, but the next day I felt like that cartoon that was flattened by a truck!  BUT.  It is so much fun!!  What I love about it is that men and women are in the class, comprised of all different shapes & sizes, nationalities and physical abilities.  Our Zumba instructor, Jeannine, is INCREDIBLE! Shemakes me wanna be a sexier woman!! LOL...she is truly a fireball of energy!   So as I limped my way over to the computer to write this blog, I am thankful that I not only got my body moving again,. but I'm having so much fun that the class flies by! Jeanine, the instructor, recognized me immediately and I almost didn't believe it.  She insisted, "I KNOW you!"
I looked at her with a blank face, "You do?"
"Yes, I know you!"
"From the other gym perhaps?"
"I KNOWWWWW YOUUUU!"
Great, now I had like 40 people looking at me!
When the class was over, she began teaching another class...I was in the locker room as I heard a familiar beat.  LOL. I walked over to the classroom and just showed her my two thumbs up, with a kool-aid smile!!  She was teaching to Come Into My Arms!!!  Wow...I was flattered!  She nodded and said, "Do you know who she is?"  LOL..I thanked her and walked away.
So for as long as I can, I will be taking Zumba lessons!!! And with some time under my belt, I will have better cardio endurance and hopefully a litle weight loss too.

Now. Last night I had a date..or I thought I had one.  For a couple of days I was talking with this man, and he offered to have a couple of drinks with me after my shift. This man looked promising. We shared similar senses of humor, outlooks on life, etc...Of course, whenever I blog about any man, he remains anonymous unless he permits me to use his name. So for lack of a better name, we'll call him Football Man.  Football man had spoken with me throughout the week and left me a very good impression. I thought to myself, Now THIS is a man! 
Yesterday I woke up, not sure of what to expect, but I was looking forward to it.  Since I'd meet him after working at KTU, it was important to go into work dressed for the date.  After spending a good forty minutes or so debating what to wear, I finally had it figured out and felt good about my choices.  I grabbed my keys, bag and cell phone. And there it was. A text:
"Hey, my brother invited me to a Jets game...maybe we can do this tomorrow night? Thanks."    

What the hell did I just read?  What was that? Are you kidding? This pissed me off on so many levels - I cannot even begin...yes, I can.  First of all, a text instead of a phone call to cancel plans?  Secondly, you chose a football game over a date that was pre-planned? Third, you don't even have the balls, I mean gall, to APOLOGIZE. Oh, my God. I will tell you something about me that you should know.  I HATE when people CANNOT say sorry, or I apologize, or when they don't even acknowledge that your feelings are possibly hurt.  Big pet peeve for me!!  It's a five letter word:  sorry. It can fix things with me in a minute.

I'm not a mean girl. I have compassion and empathy.  Inviting a man to a football game is like inviting me to a musical...Almost impossible to turn down.  If he had called, and told me that he barely sees his brother and this is a rare opporutnity. If he told me the Jets were his favorite team, and he'd see me afterward, etc. etc. I would have understood.  But to send a text and then suggest we do it tomorrow - as if I don't have a life and nothing better to do.  Oh, please.  So I know now you're wondering what did I do?  I texted him back. I am very busy tomorrow...no can do. Period. Then I went to work looking cute - on a radio program where not one person gets to see me, lol.  But then I went home and I was mad.  Suddenly a couple of men were texting me.  I answered no one back...people need to learn how to call again.  I turned off my phone, turned on the t.v. and watched misses episodes of Rome on HBO...yea, that felt a hell of a lot better!!

So in conclusion...I love zumba...I am indifferent to football.  LOL. Football is an American pasttime. Throughout my dating history, each man I dated or serious boyfriend I've had has NEVER had the patience or possessed the interest in teaching me about football. So unfortunately I equate football with being ignored...and last night just confirmed that notion. 

Love Zumba -
Hate football.

Um dear Mr. Football!  There will NEVER be a touchdown here...no field goals, no scoring!!!  I hope the Jets will cuddle you & kiss you goodnight!! LOL...                      

     


     

Dear Judy

Dear Judy

I am 17 years old and have a horrible problem. My breasts are very
small and no boy finds me attractive. I am probably prettier than some
of my girls, I am fun and boys like me as their homegirl. I feel they
treat me like i am one of the boys and want me to help them hook up
with one of my friends. I can't afford to pay for breast implants but
i know as long as i don't have breast like the girls in music video or
magazines my friends watch, i will never be sexy.

Signed,
Unpopular

Dear Friend,

Okay, let’s put things in perspective. What you are experiencing is a stressful problem; not a horrible problem. Things can be much worse, girlfriend. A horrible problem would be if you had breast cancer and had to have them removed…small or not, it would be horrible. But you’d survive that too! I’ve never understood why, but for whatever reason, our men in this society tend to place a huge importance on breast size…we call these breast men but that does not mean they are the BEST men. Your desire to have larger breasts are like another girl’s desire to have a smaller waist or a curvier hip. Confidence comes from the inside first! Have you ever walked into a room where a woman has all the guys’ attention? If you look really hard, you will see she probably has lots of flaws, and somehow you wonder, “Why the heck are they all over her?” It has nothing to do with her breast size. It has to do with the size of her confidence. Confidence is sexy my dear! When you know who you are, and you BELIEVE that you are fine just the way you are, you will attract the guy you want. So the first thing you have to do is highlight your good assets – do you have beautiful eyes? Hair? Focus on your good qualities first, and if all else fails, wear a push up bra because, listen to me: YOU ARE ONLY 17!!! Are you crazy, putting yourself through painful and expensive surgery just to make a guy attracted to you?! The man who is worth your love, will love you just the way you are; in fact he will love your smaller breasts!

By the way, those girls in the music videos are treated like slaves on the sets; did you know that? They are just things – sex symbols…they don’t go home with the men on the video. Trust me! Coming from a recording artist’s experience, I have spoken to many girls and they are not respected a lot of the time. And also, it’s okay to be the homegirl, you will see. It will get better; just hang in there – don’t change yourself for anyone. When you are older – maybe about 25 – if this still bothers you, then go ahead and have surgery. But do it because you want to ENHANCE what’s already there. If you had a daughter and she came to you with this situation; would you race her to have surgery? I don’t think so. Oh, and just to throw this out there for you, big breasts mean back pain, scrapes on the shoulders and discomfort when you run. You may not appreciate that now; but you will one day! Good luck, good wishes and love yourself, chica!!!

WHEN YOUR DAUGHTER DATES SOMEONE MUCH OLDER

My daughter is 18 years old and in love with a 24 year old looser. I

am ripping the hair out of my head because all my concerns are being
ignored. She is in love but this guy is just taking advantage of her,
he is not working, has no ambitions and lives with his mom and brother
in a one bedroom apartment. He is very controlling and i am afraid
that she might not even want to go to collage because he said she
doesn't need to be smarter than him. I really don't know what to do
anymore she doesn't want to listen to me and is on the way to waste
her life.

Marisol

Dear Marisol,

This is a hard one for me, because I am not a mother. However, I am an older sister to a younger sister and I understand the frustrating and overwhelming feeling of wanting to protect them from doing something they will regret, and most of all, from getting hurt. I’m sure part of the frustration is knowing that she’s 18, so you can’t even legally step in to keep him away from your daughter. But, alas, your little girl is growing up, and little by little you will have to let her make her own decisions and even let her fall on her face. However, the most important thing is that she knows that she has mommy to pick her up. Remember when you were 18 and you thought you had all the answers? I’m sure your mom probably told you what you are telling your daughter now, and you felt like saying, “Yeah, Mom, I heard you already! Just let me live my life!” Did you ever date an older man when you were younger? I’m sure the girls her age think this is so cool, and at her age it’s important to her to be cool.

Here’s what I think you should do. You know that saying, “Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer?” Do just that. You don’t have to accept what is happening, just tolerate it a little. Because the truth is that if you tell her not to see him, she will only run to him harder, faster and she will be stubbornly determined to prove you wrong. So, let her know you don’t like the idea, but you love her and you want her to be happy. Invite this boyfriend over for dinner. If he really cares for your girl, he’ll come. My mom always told me that when a man has nothing to hide and is of good character, he will come for dinner. You should tell her the same and see what happens. Encourage her to continue pursuing her dreams of college, and if this man really loves her, he will encourage her too.

Be your daughter’s mother, but also be her friend…she will open up to you more, if she doesn’t feel judged. Oh yes, and please remind her to keep herself sexually protected (ouch – I know) I know it is hard. I want to strangle my sister sometimes when she chooses the wrong type of man – but as a woman, we all learn this lesson – THE HARD WAY!

You are a GOOD mother and just the fact that you are worried tells me that. Love her, be with her, encourage her, remind her she’s beautiful and deserving of healthy love, and eventually your words will echo in her head and she will do the right thing! If not, tell her to call me!

ADVICE PLEASE: Dear Sad Suegra (Mother-In-Law)

For over a year, I have been writing an advice column for Latin Trends Magazine.  This is an example of a question I've recently received. Please leave comments & let this woman know what YOU thnk she should do! 

My oldest daughter, who has been married for ten years and has two small children, has confided in me that she’s been having an affair for the past six months. She says she felt she could tell me because she knows I had a similar episode when she was in her teens, though I never left her father. Now, every time I see her, she’s gushing on about her lover (whom she wants me to meet), which makes me feel embarrassed whenever I see her husband (who is a lovely man and wonderful father). I don’t think her situation is like my own: my late husband was a distant, cold man who disliked sex. I fear she’s going to ruin her life, but don’t want to be unsupportive. All the same, I don’t want my son-in-law to be hurt by her behaviors. How should I proceed?



Sincerely,
Sad Suegra in Staten Island


Dear Sad Suegra,


Ah, a mother’s work is never done, is it? Although your daughter is a grown, married woman with children, you daughter’s behavior is a bit childish. So treat her like a child – she has to be lovingly disciplined. Tell your daughter the truth. – tell her with love: Remember when she was a little girl & wanted to go out and play with her friends. You probably told her, “You cannot go out and play until you clean up this mess in your room.” Same applies here: “You cannot go out of your marriage and play with some other guy until you clean up this mess in your marriage.”

Deep down, you know that if your daughter continues this affair, everyone gets hurt. Now, there is a divine opportunity for you to teach your child an important life lesson: you cannot open the door to a new relationship without closing the door to the other one. No joy can come from this. Life never rewards you when you do things based on betrayal. By the way, this other man is having a good old time without any ties. Is it possible he’s only with her because he knows she’s unavailable for commitment? Easy for him, huh?

Yes, you had a similar situation occur for you in the past so you feel you cannot judge. But you can see for sure that her current situation is NOT your past one. You can still love and support your child AND tell her you see a disaster brewing. Affairs happen for different reasons, but most of the time affairs are born because there is unhappiness, a void in the current relationship & the affair is nothing but a bandaid that covers the hurt...but the band-aid falls off, and the hurt will still be there.

Tell her you love her, but she needs to address the problems in her marriage FIRST. She is only thinking of herself -not the consequences. She can lose her husband, she can lose her home – even scarier: she can lose her children and even her children’s respect. And now in her selfishness, she has even made you an accomplice. Not good. Tell her that it’s made you uncomfortable and has put you in a position you won’t play a part in anymore. She either stays and works it out with her husband, tries counseling, etc. or she divorces him. And when the dust has settled, if she still wants to pursue a relationship with the other man, she can. As her children’s grandmother, you are the only voice for the children. What will they do? And let her know, that NO MATTER WHAT you STILL love her and if she falls, you will catch her.


http://www.latintrends.com/

THE FALL. THE MEN. THE UPDATE!!

So it's the beginning of September and autumn is quickly approaching. It's so evident as the sun sets faster and faster each and evey day. The change in weather's already begun, tapping us on our shoulder as an announcement to change.  Fall is a great season!  I think of the vast array of colors on the leaves, the way the clouds seem to have different pattern formations & I already feel the texture of warm snuggly sweaters.  And then I think of shorter days and odd cravings for carbohydrates. Strange, but true. 

And I think of men.

Here's the update:

Navy Guy sailed away.  Never heard from him again. Although I have a minor urge to call and ask, "Why?", I simply choose not to go there.  "There" is that place where women go when they want closure.  "There" is an empty place full of excuses that only make a woman go nuts, in determination to find the truth.  It's a hole, a void that makes her go deeper into her neediness. And well, I've been in that hole too many times...it's dark down there.  So how do I close that chapter? I tell myself that when a man REALLY wants a woman, he goes after her.  Bottom line:  He doesn't REALLY want me; he's just not that into me.  The reasons that he doesn't want me won't change anything, and may actually have nothing to do with me.  God sometimes has a brilliant way of keeping away someone who would be bad for you...so don't fight it.

The Lobster.. He hasn't called since the last time he offered to "get together some time." Internally, I wonder if he saw the video...don't know why I wonder, but I do.  My closure with him?  Never had it; never will.  I know deep in my heart, there's something he left out; some strange omission that would expain everything.  My closure with him is that I will never have closure. Surely chasing after the reasons will land me in a straight jacket singing Come Into My Arms off-key somewhere, on a corner pretending to be back at Roseland Ballroom.    

Chicago Guy.  He has been in touch with me on and off, always via text.  Always begins excited and then suddenly stops. LOL. He always asks when I'll be back to Chicago, and is very engaging and then....quiet.  What's he doing here?  He's attempting to keep me at an option.  PUH-LEASE! He's keeping in touch because he knows I return to Chicago in November?  That's my guess..keep me dangling there just enough so when I go to Chicago, we can "pick up" where we left off.  Oh, no my dear, you mistake me for an idiot!! LOL.

New prospects have popped up recently, but nothing that seems to stick. I've been invited to movies and a dinner - hasn't happened yet.  I've also been sort of asked out by someone, but he was drunk when he asked. He's also a "fan" and that always concerns me because it may be the "persona" of Judy Torres that he's interested in - NOT me.  There was another fan that I actually was attracted to and considered.  I finally had the nerve to give my number, to only discover (damn) that he'd already been involved with someone else. He might have mentioned that in the first place, huh?  Damn, good looking & established sexy, guy too, lol!  But I told him that I don't want ANY drama.  If/when he is COMPLETELY single & emotionally available, then I'd love to meet for coffee.

I did have a date the other evening.  I don't know what to call him. He showed up with a smile and with a horrible smelling cologne!!  Bleeagh!! It was a little too earthy, too dark, too spicy. It reminded me of the colognes I used to smell walking up and down Fordham Road in the Bronx, being sold by street vendors that were like $5.00 for three bottles, lol.  Anyway,  I'll call him Guy X. Guy X had a great smile, nice hair.  He wore a long sleeved t-shirt and jeans with sneakers. Sneakers? Not sure if that worked out okay, but hey, why judge, right?  Right?  He took me to a very nice Italian restaurant, and it was obvious that he was nervous, which I always think is quite endearing.  The food was good and conversation was slow to start, but by the end of dinner, there was a comfort and his personality began to emerge.  It was a beautiful night with a soft breeze, so we walked along the park.

We discusssed what we were looking for. I told him that I'm not looking to "hook up", or have a fling. I told him I'm looking for a genuine relationship that would hopefully one day lead to marriage. He admitted that he used to be that guy who hooked up, but was tired of meeting the same type of women who played the field.  Somehow, for some reason, I wasn't really buying it.  But okay. I'll go with it for now.  He stopped me and hugged me.  It was a good hug.  Scratch that - it was a WONDERFUL hug.  And although the cologne was making my nose blees, it was nice.  In fact, I haven't had a man hug me first...it's always a kiss. So I thought, it was a rather sweet & affectionate thing to do.  My only issue with him at the time was that I didn't find him to be focused on life. He still didn't know where he was going with career, didn't seem to have any aspirations.  Basically, he lacked passion. I don't care if I date a plumber - but I want hin to PASSIONATE about plumbing. I want him to get excited when he talks about pipes, water and repairs! ..and there's nothing wrong with not being focused, but I wonder if at this age in life, we should have some idea. 

I did get lost in the hug for a second. I actually had tears in my eyes (I didn't let him see that, of course). It had been a while since I'd been hugged by a man.  It was safe; it was comforting and assuring - it's amazing how two arms can make one feel so protected.  I really liked that feeling.  Guy X called me beautiful.  He said I was down to earth, and he really appreciated that.  He said he loved my height - I'm tall 5'9".   As we walked back to the car...he let his defenses down...way down.

We got into the car.  He began talking politics and conspiracy theories and told me to "do the research.." LOL..and then he did the unthinkable:  He dissed Ms. Oprah Winfrey!!!
Oh
No
You.
Didn't
Make fun of what I'm wearing, disagree with my stance on politics and religion but DON'T mess with my Oprah.  

He suddenly reclined the chair to what I call "thug seating conditions", put one hand on the wheel, licked his lips and presumed a Lil Wayne look in his eyes.  Mr. X was gone!  Yea, all of a sudden Mr. X became Mr. Gangsta!!
 "So, yo, ma, check it right...I wanna get wit chu real soon."
Uncomfortable but politically correct smile.
"So yo, Imma hitch you up tomorrow, a-ight??"
I thanked him..."Thank you for everything.  Sure, I'll, um, hit you up."

Yea, I'll hit you alright...LOL. I admit I have to laugh.  I had fun until his inner gangster surfaced.  There's nothing wrong with that at all, but it doesn't work for me.  Well, I'm confident there will be more dates to come from some mystery men...and more stories to tell. But somewhere in that mix, the ONE is there. I know he is!        

DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

Think of a gift was given to you from your favorite person in the world.  Make believe that this gift has great signifcance to you in your life; it reminds you of a happier time, or a time when you were lifted from a depresson or the time when you were feeling left out or forgotten & this gift validated you.  Let's pretend that the person who gave you this gift is no longer here on this earth. And although it's just a material thing, you treasure it, hold it close because it reminds you of all those things. Now imagine for a second that a stranger rips this one thing you hold so valuable right from you, and burns it. Burns it with cheer, with contempt and with incomprehensible hatred.  You would be enraged - devastated beyond belief.  This is YOUR gift - only YOU understand its value. How could anyone do that to you? DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?  Do you see what that would do to you? You'd probably want to KILL someone after such a senseless act agains you. After all, you didnt' do anything.  

Last night I was watching tv, and I saw something that left me quite speechless.  CNN's Anderson Cooper was interviewing Florida pastor, Terry Jones, who plans to burn the Quran on September 11, 2010 in protest against the "radical Islamists."  I watched this pastor, who is supposed to be a Christian, talk about that he was 'not killing people; he was just going to burn some books.'  My stomach literally turned.  I was ashamed for him.  I am a Christian, by choice...I've read about many faiths, and I have found wonderful things in all religions.  I have friends who are Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Atheists and yes, even Muslim - and I respect and love them ALL!  When I say I am Christian by choice, it's because after questioning my faith, reading, praying, researching in my heart and soul, I felt comfortable.  To me a Christian leads a "Christ-like" life.  That means living my life with love towards others; showing compassion toward those weaker, helpless, hurting, sick, poverty-stricken, imprisoned, lonely; forgiving those who have hurt me even if they are not sorry; and NOT judging others even when I don't understand them.  When Jesus was on this earth, he befriended those whom society despised:  the lepers, the tax collectors, the prostiutes.  He said, "He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone."  DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?  My stomach turned because burning the Quran will do nothing but give birth to more hate - hate against Mulims, and then more hate against Christians and Jews in retaliation and so on.  A true Christian would not be so self-righteous to disrespect something considered so sacred to others.  How would this pastor feel if people began burning Bibles? Surely it would hurt the same.  He is wrong...dead wrong. And I could not believe I was watching this ignorance coming out of this man's mouth!!    General Patreus warned him that this act could put the men and women in of our troops in danger...and he said he's going to do it regardless. 

My stomach turned, because it reminded me of times in human history where we did dispicable things to others who were different from us. I recalled slavery in this country.  I recalled the Holocaust. I think of the hate crimes against gay people, etc...how many times will we hurt others??? I just can't believe I'm witnessing such ignorant hatred in 2010!! People can argue that in other countries people have burned the United States Flag.  I admit, it hurts when I see that...I think, wow, they sure are pissed off.  But even today, two wrongs do not make a right - they make a war.  This is the United States...people have sought refuge in this country so they may be free to practice THEIR religion.  Even as a Christian, I was always taught that we are right and others' beliefs are wrong...but I DISAGREE with all my heart.  People have a right to believe what they want to believe.  Who am I to judge?  My stomach turned because I believe that if people do this act on September 11, or any other day for that matter, it will be the beginning of a new and underground war here in the United States.  I never thought I'd live to see the day!

DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?  I see fear growing into poison towards our fellow citizens. I've never been one to be cynical or pessimistic...but I am afraid of what I see. Will there be a civil war right here in this country?  Will there be a new 21st century Holy Crusade?  I see in my mind one day, someone walking up to me and asking, "Are you a Christian?"  If I say yes, will I be shot?  So why should  it happen to a Muslim or anyone else of another faith?  But that's what happened to the Muslim cab driver...he was asked, "Are you Muslim?"  He responded with a nod and was stabbed several times for NO reason at all!  Not right. Not fair. It's stupid.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?  The terrorists who wanted to see the World Trade Center Towers fall are LOVING this!  I want to scream out loud:  "Don't you people understand? This is what they want:  the terrorists want us to turn on one another...They want a holy war!  Seeing the country split like that only makes us weaker - and allows the real enemies to become stronger. Ugh...I tell you: I woke up crying this morning. What is to become of us?

DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?  God, in my eyes, made ALL of us. I believe He/She/It created us all uniquely and differently; with different cultures, languages, food, and customs to test us and see if in the end, we could all co-exist.  Instead of honoring our differences, we fight hard to show each other how right we are, and when you fight to be right all the time you destroy any room for happiness.  God would not want this behavior from any of us...I never believed in all the end-of-the-world theories of 2012...but now, hm. Not too sure.  I leave you with a comment that a fan posted today. From Supermom Acevedo:

"If we were dealing with people that actually followed the common beliefs we wouldn't have a problem. The issue is not our country it's the radical beliefs and self rightiousness that plague us that pose an issue. What we teach future generations will make or break society. We need to forget religion for a while since religion is man made and God isn't and we need to not only preach but practice love, tolerance, patience, understanding, humility and family values."  She gives me something to think about. DO YOU SEE???         

Didn't mean to preach...sorry!  LOL I'm just REALLY concerned!

WHY "STAY"?

Less than one week from the release of the video for my latest single, Stay.  It's already received over 5,000 views on YouTube.  And the video has caused quite a stir.  Stay was originally recorded by country duo, Sugarland; written by it's lead singer, Jennifer Nettles in 2007.  From Wikipedia, here is the concept of how Jennifer Nettles wrote the song:

 "Stay" is a ballad of infidelity, taking the perspective of the mistress of a man who is cheating on his wife. It begins with the mistress's insistence that the man stay with her — even if his wife should call and ask where he is — because she (the mistress) is "so tired of being lonely". Although the man tells her that he will leave his wife for her, she refuses to believe him, telling him that "it's too much pain to have to bear / To love a man you have to share".

In the third verse, the mistress then changes her mind; according to Nettles, she (the woman in the song) "has her own sense of redemption and realizes she deserves more than being with someone who will never be fully hers".[2] This change is revealed in the final chorus:

Why don't you stay?
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay?

I saw Ms. Nettles sing this song on the Grammy Awards and I couldn't believe this woman's INCREDIBLE voice.  I was further moved by the amazing talent in the lyrics...for her to begin the song with the woman asking him to stay, and ending in the song telling him to stay (with the wife)..well, I was just amazed!  No one had ever written like that before.  SO I wanted to record it with a dance vibe and give it my own spin.  In her original video, (an incredible one, I might add), it is just her and the gentleman from Sugarland behind her...simple. Just her and her raw emotions...it's one of MY favorite videos because it takes a brave person to expose her emotions on camera like that.  If it were up to me, I would've done the video just like that, but I didn't want to copy it.  So - we had the idea to give the new video a story line!!  Well, apparently, telling the story wasn't right. 

I've been reading people's comments & most people GET IT!  The other woman realizes she's being an idiot about her choices, and actually CHANGES her mind.  In my version of the video, I made it clear that the woman packs his stuff and locks him out of her life; she changes her mind - takes her power back, relcaims her life.  LOL...Yet there are comments accusing me of condoning this behavior. I am not doing so, but I did want to do this video for so many reasons.  I did it because I love the message of  the song, because I'm hoping the video will give women in this position the guts to leave & stop.  I also did this to prove something.  Yes, sometimes women in this situation do it on purpose.  But I believe that most of the women in this situation are complicatedly (is that a word?), lacking self-esteem.  Somewhere in their life they lack confidence; somewhere in their life  they were treated second fiddle to someone else and have "learned" that they don't deserve to be #1 in someone else's life...so they allow themselves to be #2.  I wanted to humanize her, if just for a second...not so people could feel sorry for her, but just so that people could "see" the story through her eyes. How she got herself in the situation is not important - how she gets hersslf out is the deeper message here.

And, um, not one person spoke of the cheating husband.!!!  Remember, I don't care if the woman has a perfect body and shows up naked...the husband is in TOTAL control of how he responds to it.  By the way, lol...there are a few people who think this is my story...that Waseem Khawaja, the guy who plays my love interest, is really my boyfriend, and are telling me that they feel bad for me! LOL...he is NOT my boyfriend.  And, no, I am not in this position either, lol.  I did cry, however, in during the filming of the video, as I did think about the times in my life, where I allowed a man to treat me as a trivial option instead of a first priority.  So in that way I COMPLETELY relate.

To those of you in this position: Please let the video serve as a message to warn you that you will have nothing but heartache if you STAY. For those of you not in this situation:  heed my words...it is when you sit in judgment of others' behavior that sometimes life will put you in a situation where others will one day judge you. You don't have to condone it - Judge not lest you be judged...Right??

Why do people STAY?  They are afraid.  They don't think they can do better.  They don't think anyone else will love them. They don't know how to be alone.  They are used to the drama.  They believe the lies they are served.  They hold on to fantasy. Please watch the video again, and leave your thoughts here.  I welcome ALL of your comments here and/or on Youtube-let's keep the conversation going!!
                      

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU, HERE IS STAY, THE VIDEO!!!

Woke up deciding that it was going to be a great day. Yesterday was done...today is a new day to decide to be happy; to decide to have no drama; and to decide that I'm good enough to have this video release party no matter what my weight happens to be.  I do admit, once in a while, I could hear in my head..."when they see the video, all they're going to see is your weight."  But each time it buzzed into my head, I swatted the crap out of it! Dead-blood & guts all over the place!!

The entire day as about tying loose ends:  Packing to stay over my friend's house, deciding which shoes to wear, washing the car, making a last minute stop at the mall, stopping at Pearl Lounge to be sure the tv moinitors were set up, the dvd's were working & to ensure the temperature was good. It was a bit warm, but a staff member had just opened the place & promised that by the evening the place would be an ice box.  For the first time I ate at Chipotle...yum, lol. It was 4:50pm by the time I was driving to my friend's house.  Wait. What am I going to say tonight?  Okay-I had to write a small speech.  By the time I arrived to David Miskin's house and wrote the speech, it was time to dress. I took a shower, changed, hair, make-up, nerves kicking in. I was shaking inside a little bit, but I LOVED my dress! LOL. It was a deep -jeweled, teal colored Calvin Klein dress. I love it because although it's simple, it flatters.  I have NEVER bought myself a designer dress, lol...I know you don't believe me, but it's true.

It was 7:48pm when we jumped in a cab to the city. On our way over, I asked David, "Do you think we'll have a full house? Do you think people from the industry will really come? Do you think my mom will like the video?  Do you think people will react to the video when we show it?" Of course he responded with a yes on all counts.  And that's when I realized...shoot, I'm nervous.  We arrived almost at 8:30pm, and immediately the music director of KTU, Bartel was outside, along with Cary Vance from Promo Only and John Parker of Parker Recordings - three very instrumental people in the music industry. I looked to my right and my younger sister was there.  I was elated. Wait. Then my manager was walking in behind me.  I knew in a second I wasn't upset with him anymore. Hm, I thought, I look good, and don't even try to change my mind about it! LOL.

It was a FULL house. The music was going! the place was packed with people buzzing, laughing, chatting, drinking and eating.  It was also very, very HOT! Oh, my God, did we melt the ice caps of the north pole?  It was almost like stepping onto the surface of the sun. But there was not much we could do. We were told the air conditioning was turned up to the maximum.  I looked around, and immediately I had to work the room and thank every single person for coming...My friends, the production crew & their friends, people from the industry - it was a great turn out!  Even Kayel, Los and Thirteen from TKA/K7 & Swing Kids  and CNR from Trilogy showed up.  They made me feel incredibly special by being there.  The only thing I felt bad about was that I was unable to sit and speak with anyone for more than 20 seconds.  No one really had quality time with me.  We were going to begin screening around 9:15pm or so, but it was SO hot, I didn't think people would be patient enough.

So at 9:00 Luis Loca, the coordinator of the evening, introduced me.  The crowd cheered and I thanked everyone!  You should know that most of the time, one's record label would finance your video, but that's only if they are sure it's a HIT or if it is in the budget...lol..you guessed it. Nope, not in the budget.  That wasn't my story, so we all decided to work on it on our own, and my manager wanted it done.  So I explained that it was done with an incredibly small budget and financed by someone who didn't even really know me well, but believed in me wholeheartedly:  the producer, Terence Osborne.  I also explained, and you should know this too, that the majority of our production crew was made up of college students. You HAVE to allow younger people with no experience the opportunity to gain experience!! As a matter of fact, the director of photography, Erik Spink was only 20 years old..and he did a magnificent job!

"...And so...without further adieu, here it is: the video of Stay.  Roll it." We first showed the behind the scenes documentary and it was SO MUCH FUN!  The production crew had their friends there and it was wonderful hearing each and every person receive applause and acknowledgement for their work.  After that, we showed the video...and
MY HEART WAS POUNDING IN MY THROAT!!!
Would people like it?  Would my manager be right that all people would notice is my weight gain?  What about the bedroom scene..would people take me seriously or would they tell me I had no business being in bed with anyone on camera?  Would they appreciate my acting?  We only had 2 vases for the take where I break the vase in a fit of anger, and have a breakdown on screen...could I cry on cue?  All these questions were stabbing my stomach.  And for each section of the video, I heard people clapping, laughing, oohing and aahing...and I knew it was a good thing.  Whew...it was done & I could breathe again.  I gave out crystal awards to Erik Spink, director of photography; Terence Osborne, producer; Gio Alonso, stylist, Javier Rosa, make-up & hair and David Miskin, director. And of course, when I gave David's award I cried.  And, David offered me not a tissue but an entire roll of paper towels. (It's an ongoing private joke that I cry so much sometimes I need the whole roll.)  David, from day one, has believed that I'm a star, like a serious future grammy award-winning, broadway starring star! He has been a life line to me. Whenever I've wanted to give up on myself, he wouldn't let me!  It was his idea to do this video and without his determination that we would do it, and do it right, I wouldn't be writing about it now. I'm really proud of our work, and I'm really happy that with almost nothing, we created something...and it is magical...and it was God looking out for all of us.

I ended the evening dancing, talking, sweating and smiling feeling accomplished.  Oh, yea by the way, I did drink - but I did NOT get drunk...I watched people get drunk for me...it was way more fun.  The music industry looks at how many views you have on youtube, how many friends you have on facebook and how many followers you have on Twitter...when you watch the video - should you find that you like it, as a personal favor to me, please post it on your pages...maybe this artist veteran of 24 years on an independent recording label could finally make it major and "STAY" in this great business of music that I SO love!!