It is an incredible feeling to be onstage and hear the applause...it is very validating...think about it. Some people have jobs and are never even thanked or shown appreciation. But when I sing, the feedback is instant. I'm told, "Good job...I get hugs and I can feel the love, and go home feeling appreciated for my work. It is quite awesome and humbling...and then once in a blue moon, there are times when it has its challenges.
One of the challenges I must confront is the idea of wondering whether someone is around me, or is my friend not because of Judy, but because of Judy Torres. I can usually tell when a guy (or should I say boy, lol) is just trying to date me because of the perks of knowing me or because they are my boyfriend. I never really thought about it, but I guess there are perks: free admission to venues, guest lists, backstage passes, free trips, hotels, etc. And I have to admit I have fallen victim of not seeing that sooner at least once in my life. But I'm older now, and my senses are quite keen. In fact, I can smell a man's snake skin just "using" me a mile away. But it never occurred to me that it would be someone I thought to be a friend.
Today, a part of my spirit is truly injured in a way I thought not possible. It is interesting when someone is part of my life for so long and I include them in all your important life events...and then one day, little by little I notice they only see me when there's a show, or when there's a concert...and I begin to wonder....hmmm. Suddenly, I notice that there are no more shopping trips, no more movie-going, or outings to restaurants...there are only shows and requests for the perks. And the one day I say, "I'm sorry, I don't have any more tix, or I say, why not see me when there's no show...can we just hang out " - that is the day I am told I am not a friend. Wow. Oh. Hm.
Today, today...
Today I am rendered speechless. Today is a day I wonder, if I wasn't Judy Torres...would I still be so cool? Would certain people be around me if I lost my position on the radio, or if I had no more music to sing? Who am I then, if I'm not Judy Torres...? That is what scares me? Is my personality enough? Knowing that I am a plus sized woman, is it possible that men made an exception and dated me because I was Judy Torres. Would a man want to be with me, love me, if I wasn't the Queen of Freestyle? Whoa...I swear it scares me as much as it makes me want to cry.
But today.
I
am
hurt.
Not trying to cause drama.
But today I feel very human...no super powers...
Today, I'm bleeding a little.
Just needed to share it.
Who am I, if I'm not Judy Torres?
i'm soo sorry you felt that way Judy. i wouldn't care if you stop singing or stop being a radio personality because you are and always will be my role model named Judy Torres and i'll always love you for that no matter what. of course one day if i have the guts i wouldn't mind following ur footsteps in becoming a singer but i love u 4 being u. ur so real and u care about people seems like more than ur self. yes u r still cool!! lol and if a man doesn't want u if u weren't the Queen of Freestyle he is sadly crazy.
ReplyDeletebut since you do ask who am i if i'm not Judy Torres, to me you, besides my mother and grandmothers, are a genuine, kind, person and i thank God that He introduced you into my life. so cheer up mama because as Randy Newman's song that played in Toy Story says, "You've got a friend in me!" love ya!!
Answer: You are a light that shines brightly. So don't ever dim your own light with doubts. You are fabulous in every way and don't you every forget it!
ReplyDeleteI recently had similar feelings. About a year and a half ago, friend of mine from college emailed all her friends to say that she's finally expecting a baby. I was so excited for her so I immediately called her house to congratulate her and her husband. I got voicemail, so I left a message. Didn't get a response. A few months later, however, I did get an email soliciting gifts for the baby shower. HUH???? What????!! And just last week, I got another invitation for the baby's first bday party. And all this time, I still havent spokent to my "friend". It seems that people tend to reach out to me when there's a gift invovled for them. And don't get me started on my family!!!!
Judy - I believe that the Lord grants us the ability to see through people when He thinks its the right time for you. Now is the time when that person who hurt you is no longer needed and the Lord has decided it is time for you to let them go. Send him about his way and wish him much success in all his endeavours. The moments he spent with you he gave you happiness and offered you the gift of his time. If he didn't appreciate the woman that you are then his loss is sad because you are a special individual with a wonderful heart. Through this blog and the beauty of facebook and the gift of technology I have gotten a glimpse of who Judy the woman is and you are phenomenal individual. I would be honored to consider you a friend even if you weren't the Queen of Freestyle and were destitute. I'd still be your friend if you were just Judy from Aquinas...luv ya - Flor
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Judy! Don't feel left out though. There are people that do that to just us regular people too! I can't tell you how many "acquaintances" I've had to eliminate from my life once I figured out they were there just because I was too nice and did too many things for them. Just know that at least you found out and they are now in your past! Love ya girl!
ReplyDeleteJudy...The person that made you feel that way should have felt privileged to have even been able to know you as a friend in any sense of the word. I have been following since I was 15 yrs old way back in the day of The Mirage down in Fordam Road in the Bronx. I have always loved your music and your voice but most of all I love your presence, who you are. You have made me laugh when I have been sad and made me cry on days when hell you just need that good cry. You have made great memories for me through your music and I thank you! The hell with people who just can't appreciate you for you...I would give anything just to have even an hour to hang out with you. Thank you again for being you.
ReplyDeleteJudy...I feel you 100% some people do use you for what you can do for them and who you are in life. First and foremost I must say that I would be your friend regardless if you were the Queen of Freestyle or not. The reason I say that is cause of all the things I read that you write. You are a wonderful person on and off the stage. The way you allow people into your life and write what is in your heart show the type of person that you really are. You even take the time out to respond back to people you are an inspiration to many. I personally admire you & wish that I knew you on a personal level. I love to read your blogs you are wonderful & always keep it real. Never change who you are for no one!!! I Love you for who you are!!! Sincerely Jasmin Torres
ReplyDelete