Woke up on my birthday EXHAUSTED...performed with the band, Mirage, the night before, and really sang my butt off, and my energy off too! I woke up to find so many texts on my cell phone.
The first one 7:39am - from the ex...this is the ex I thought was going to marry me; the one who was by my side when I first was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis; the one who deep down I know lied to me about something, but to this day have no idea what. He is the one who I truly loved & in my soul, he was a true love. I connected with him. I allowed him completely into my life...I let my guard down...all the way. He is the ex who in the end, his actions did not reflect what he'd said to me, and I had to make a hard decision to leave. His text: "Happy Birthday, Judy. I hope all your dreams come true. I love you, I miss you...I try to move forward but I can sense you right next to me...no one lives up to your standards.
Why??? Why did he do that? I've spent almost 2 years trying to get over him, and in my ways I am...but when he mentions he loves me, it literally sucks me right back to the laughter, the good times, the love and simultaneously...the anger, the confusion, and especially, the heartache. Funny, just a few months ago, he asked me if I was serious with anyone (he is aware of Navy Guy and not happy about it)...I told him that Navy Guy is up in the air, that we are still in touch, but no, I'm not serious with anyone. He then invited me to dinner...and like a gullible creature, I conceded, and I didn't hear from him until 6 weeks later!!! Ugh-same old...um, crap!!
Chicago Chico texted me...Oh, yes, I haven't updated you about him...he's the one who kissed me FANTASTICALLY in Chicago. He wished me a happy birthday. Here's the update...nothing. LOL. From time to time, he will text and as soon as we begin to talk about possibly seeing each other, he somewhat backs off, reminding me he can't get serious...what the hell is wrong with these guys? Hellooooo! If you don't want to get serious, don't even bother talking to me, ugh! LOL...He really is a sweet guy...from our conversations, I think he's intimidated to be honest. He seems to bring up that he's saving money. I think he has this preconceived notion that I am a busy jet-setter, meeting men everywhere I go, living a rich and affluent lifestyle, looking out for men with furs, cars and bling, when in fact it I live so modestly it's not even funny. I am not materialistic high-maintenance, but I admit I am emotionally high maintenance...I want romance, I want to be courted, I want compliments. I want to feel like the only woman in the room when I'm with him. And....okay, this is probably too much information..but...mind-blowing sex that leaves me dizzy wouldnt' be so bad either!!!
Navy Guy had called & I'd missed his message. I dial my voicemail.
Singing: "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you...dear, Julie....(laughter) Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, sweetheart!" Hm, wow...he never called me sweetheart before. I did receive a card from him soon after my birthday. It read: Judy, I couldn't resist this card...was way too funny. I hpe you have a great birthday. Sorry I couldn't be there to celebrate...Love ya, Navy Guy." Did he say, Love ya? What does that mean? I know when I talk to my friends and when I email my fans I always write, "Love ya." I mean it..I love the person...and at the same time, I do it in a playful, and friendly way. So is his, "love ya" in a friendly way? Or does he love me, but is afraid to say the "you"? Or do I just freaking over-analyze EVERYTHING?
Then I went online & checked my facebook page, both personal and fan page...W-O-W!!! Oh, my God...I COULD NOT KEEP UP WITH THE WELL WISHES!!! I thanked every single person and at one point, I lost it. I just took my hands off the keyboard and literally cried. I was so moved and overwhelmed by that feeling of pure love...I am truly blessed to have so many people care that much...some people that have never even met me, but they took a moment to wish me well! I was just deeply touched.
I sort of wished i didn't have to go to work that day, but I did. And that was okay. At the end of my shift, July, my ex-producer and my friends showed up with homemade cake and sang happy birtthday to me. We then went to one of my favorite places to eat in the city: Caliente Cab Company! I love their guacamole and margaritas!! They even sang happy birthday to me and, gave me a HUGE sombrero to wear!!!
When I got home, I got that feeling again. It's a feeling that is so creepy...it creeps up and me and makes me feel profoundly lonely. Yep....there I was again wondering if someone will come into my life...no. Not that someone, but THE one! LOL. I cried for a moment. Is this it? Will I be coming home alone for the rest of my life?? But then I thought about it- - -
I have the best life! I am well in spite of having multiple sclerosis. I am in good health. I am employed. I have a family who adores me. I have the BEST friends! I have the career of my dreams! I have the GREATEST fans! I am loved...and that literally wipes out the creepy lonely feeling! Happy 42nd Birthday...to me!
loved reading the blog Judy!! of course I had 2 wish u a happy birthday on ur day! i could not not say anything to my role model on her day lol. it would just be totally wrong. i actually would have met u face to face @ the Freestyle Fury concert that was in Camden, NJ but u actually walked rite passed me! lol i said dummy me that was Judy Torres and i didn't even say anything! but any way, even tho ur special guy has not come yet, you will never have to feel alone because you do have your family, friends, and us (fans)!! glad you had an awesome time after work on your b-day! we love you and we'll always love you! mucho besos!!
ReplyDeleteTo answer one of your questions: "Or do I just freaking over-analyze EVERYTHING?" Uhm....Yes. LOL. I truly believe that if someone wants to be with you, they would make that known, or risk losing you to someone else who's more mature with their emotions. Just keep living your life, and enjoying every minute of it. Don't stress over those questions in your head. It's torture, and it's unnecessary.
ReplyDeleteP.s. Happy Belated Birthday. I dont have your cell #, so that I couldnt text you on your birthday, or any other day that I feel like reaching out to you. So are we gonna take our friendship to the next level? I'll give you my # if you give me yours? :)
I also bought your new single on iTunes yesterday, but I forgot to sync my iPod, so I havent listened to it yet. I would love to text you my review.
xoxo
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ReplyDeletedeleted prior comment-I HATE my spelling / typos- it REALLY bothers me lol
ReplyDeleteLOVE LOVE reading your blogs- you write straight from the heart!!!!! if anyone thinks you live a wealthy lifestyle, um all they have to do is gogle you or do a people search - many sites give the last 3-4 towns you live in and most people know the names of the weaLthy towns/- Beverly Hills, Holmby Hills, Bel Air, many NY towns in Westchester county and Nassau County, Bergen Cty, NJ, etc. not very hard lol.
just try to be patient for the next man in your life- I had once years ago a message / phone call from an ex boyfriend 2-3 yrs after we broke up to tell me he is married!!! LOL oye vey,,men are weird lol..
I know I'm looking forward sooooooo much to seeing AND meeting you /getting a photo with you on July 17th in Whitestone NY!! Hopefully we fans get to hear "Stay" in a live performance!!
love fom your #1 Bayside Queens fan
Leslie xoxoxox
Do you over analyze? Yes but that is why I love you. Your so real, you are just like alot of other people...me for one.
ReplyDeleteMr RIght is out there, and all these other guys if they dont step up and show you how they feel the only person they have to be mad at when your Mr Right comes along is them.
Keep up the good work, you truly are an inspiration to many and your right you do have a pretty good life. <3
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ReplyDeleteYou have such a tremendous amount of positive energy that I'm exhausted lol Judy I believe opposites attract the man that falls in love with you might not be able to approach you without possibly being intimadated where as you might have to relax your own self to allow him a compfort zone if a man is to confident to a point where he's to egotistical then he's mostly gonna be about himself so gently draw a man in before you expose your entire being or he might just run away... Just like yourself I analize things sometimes it can cause self dought instead of just moving forward and let the natural flow of things take it course but always be yourself I try to put the other person at ease so they feel comfortable enought to be themselfs as for your ex you can't allow your feeling to be continously hurt. friends can be lovers but lovers can't never be friends lov U
ReplyDeleteI hope I made some sense in my prior post. I don't believe anyone of us wants to be lonely however you also don't want to be miserable with someone just to have company. AND oh I forgot to mention sex is very important mind blowing being a plus lol in any relationship we can be friends with just about anybody but if intimacy is not there might as well be roommates.Well take care... love you muahz
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