BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD

Today was a hard one. 

Today was rough.

Let's just say it was one of those days I felt so insignificant - so unimportant.  I feel like a failure.  For five long hours I worked on writing a song. I poured my heart and soul into it.  I deprived myself of sleep for it.  I wrote and rewrote.  And rewrote again...because it HAD to be perfect.  There were hundreds of papers unapproved, filled with rejected words and ideas.  I became a bit of a mad woman while trying to write this song.  Now I understand why writers lock themselves in mystery rooms, and won't come out until the work is complete.

People come up to me all the time and say, "Judy, when are you coming out with something new?" I know it is somewhat a rhetorical question.  I also know it's a question that any fan would ask an artist. The question says, "Hey, I like you and your music so much, I can't wait to hear what you do next."  But, my God, it is not easy.  The songs just don't come out of thin air...wait.  Yes they do. But the air is usually full of inspiration.  The challenge is not to just write a catchy tune, but to express something in a way that has never been expressed before.  How do you set yourself apart from other songwriters?  I have thousands of songs in a book, all unsung, never recorded, never brought to life.  Why?  Simply because I don't think they are good enough. Or.  When I do have something I think is good enough, that's when someone of some position of power that says, "It's good, Judy, but not good enough."  It is very hard to not take those words personal.  Why?  Because so much of who you ARE is put into a song.  And when someone says it's not good enough, you can't help but feel you aren't good enough either.           

So I worked on this song for days, and finally on the last day I worked on it for five hours. I was so happy about it. I felt like I had written a real hit!  I went to bed exhausted but exhilarated.  And today I went to the studio to sing it to the producer and expected to record it as well.  I went there with a smile on my face.  I sang it to him, proudly...and then it happened.  Silence.

Silence after singing is a sure sign that it doesn't work.  I sang it again and again, and even I became silent.  The producer wasn't mean or harsh, but I knew the truth. If you both aren't jumping up and down...if you're not anxious to jump on tbe microphone and record it...if you have nothing to say...it simply doesn't work.  And so, we talked about what was good, what was not...we even tried to rewrite it.  I spent four hours there and left with my silly lyric sheet that will probably be burned before I go to sleep.  Back to the drawing board.

And then it happened.  I got in my car...I drove...I parked...and I cried my ass off!!!  S!%#T! Damn!
F&*%K! I couldn't move.  And it didn't help that I was listening to a freaking depressing song called MISSING by Evanescence. Yes, that's right...surprise! I love Evanesnence. BUT feeling the way I was, it was a wrong move to press repeat on that song. But at some point in our lives, aren't we all guilty of that?  Playing a song over and over again because it expresses what we cannot at the moment?  Here is an excerpt :

You won't cry for my absence, I know -

You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?


Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

...Please, please forgive me,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

I think I stayed there in the car for a good, I mean for a bad 20 minutes.  It's been a rough week.  Once again my week became about taking care of others. I DON'T regret it at all, but I think I am having my own problems right now, and need to pay more attention to them.  Sometimes I go somewhere with the idea that it will be a restful time, and it turns into Judy's Taxi Service or Judy's Office of Psychotherapy, and even sometimes Judy's bank.  Sometimes it leaves me depleted...and I guess that's how I feel  - depleted.  My friend's mother died too.  Going to my 5th wake in less than 6 months - depressing.  And of course it makes me think of my own mother...and the terror of being faced with having to go on without her.   And Mom's been okay, but not great...everytime I see her, I wonder...is she really okay, or is she just saying that?  And then I received news today warning me that a man who stalked me years ago, and made my life a living hell, was released from prison. I'm not afraid. Not at all. BUT...I cannot lie...it just put me right back to that time in my life...and it's not something I go around desiring to remember.

So, I don't know.  Perhaps the crying came out because I've tried to be so strong, while others leaned on me, but in truth, I need to lean this time.  I need a good hug.  Hugs you can get by the dozen, but let's be very honest:  very few people give the kind of hug that heals. LOL.  This is a time when I feel so profoundly alone..although I am not..that is the way it seems. And that is when I most wish I could call someone at 1 in the morning, and say, "Can you come over? I don't want to be alone..."  Once again, I am not looking for sympathy, but i figured if I wrote about it, I may stop crying.  Let me check...Nope. It's not working, lol....

So tomorrow I will begin writing the song again. Today I feel defeated but tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow I may find a better melody and find the perfect words. How I handle this song is a direct reflection for how I handle life.  So, today sucked but tomorrow will be better.  I don't know if I believe that, lol, but it's better to fake it before I make it.  I just have to look at this song as a unique challenge, and believe that the answer will be inspired...it has to be GREAT - not just because I need a new hit record, but because I care about the person I'm writing it for.        

THE MANY MOODS OF CHRISTMAS!!!

With Christmas quickly approaching, I cannot help but notice the array of emotions that this holiday brings out in people.  The feelings are so palpable.  Some are excited - they can't wait to check out all the sales, ; they listen to Christmas carols with such enthusiasm; they love decorating, and love to "ooh and ahh" when they see the tree; and of course, there are some (ahem, children) who count the days and can barely sleep the eve of.  Some are not so excited - they are turned off from the pressure of not having an inkling of an idea what to buy for their loved ones and they HATE standing on any lines; they are annoyed by the Christmas carols, staying far away from 106.7 Lite FM, lol; some cringe so badly at the mere thought of putting up a tree that they can easily break out into hives; and they DETEST that Christmas has become an economical effort to increase profits.  And some are sad - this is the first Christmas after the loss of a loved one ( I cannot even imagine how terribly difficult that must be); they have no financial means to buy a tree let alone Christmas presents; and there are the lonely - the holidays remind them in a more raw way that they are "alone". 

Me?

Hm, this year I'm a little of each one.  This year I am mourning in a way, that because all my siblings are all grown up now, each Christmas it seems someone is "missing".  I am not too excited this year, because I am usually the one in my family who comes with HEAPS of gifts for everyone...this year I have to be more conscientious about spending (yes even I am affected, lol.)  I feel just a tad lonely...I have no reason to be, really, but it's like the second year now that I haven't put up a tree in my home.  My friends have simply been too busy to help me...BUT. I am still a kid inside. I still LOVE Christmas!!  Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating and remembering the birth of Jesus.  It's supposed to be about quality family time; about gathering around to talk and eat, and talk and eat some more.  Personally I enjoy the "corniness" of the holiday. Yeah, that's right. I BLAST Christmas carols!  I still see Christmas with a wonderment that has never left me.  It is still a magical time for me,where miracles are possible, blah, blah, blah.  I love sending Christmas cards, love wrapping gifts with bows and tags; choosing the PERFECT gift for a person and watching their eyes inflate when they open the gift. It just brings me complete satisfaction.  Yes, I know Christmas is so commericialized now that it is shoved down our throats.

HOWEVER...

My favorite things:  When people walk into the home with their cheeks rosy and they try to shake off the cold from their bones, watching children tear the wrappings to shreds just to find the gift inside, hearing O Holy Night, watching Charlie Brown Christmas and sitting with my family, knowing we are all alive, safe and healthy. And if we're lucky enough - hearing the snow fall silently at night. Cool. Quiet. Peaceful.  

I have just one wish for Christmas.  I really do.  The thing is this:  my wish doesn't cost a dime; it doesn't need to be wrapped in a bow...and it is something that SO many people take for granted.  After all, the best presents in life cannot be bought.  I don't want to spoil it for myself...but, on Christmas, like a dork, I will look at the tree all lit up, and I will pray and still hope for it.  And if and when I receive it, I will reveal it.

So no matter how you look at Christmas, it will come...and it will go...and I hope that you make the best of it.  If you have no money, remember you are alive - and for sure someone has it much worse.  If you lost someone, honor their memory by celebrating what their life stood for (and wouldn't they want you to celebrate?). If you feel it's jsut a ploy to get people to spend, don't buy a thing & just use the day to be with loved ones.  If you are lonely, pick up the phone and get yourself over to someone's house.  Don't choose to wallow in your own sadness.  So, please....Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas!!!   

"I WANT MY TITI!!!"

So yesterday I was with my Mom, accompanied her to the hospital for minor procedure to help ease her back pain. Yes, she is doing well & is fine. My four year old niece, Jennyce (pronounced Jen-eece) saw me early in the morning, and as usual, she was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Titi (that's me "auntie") Judy, when I come back from school, will you be here?"
"Yes, mami...Titi will be here."
"Promise?"
"Yes, I promise!"

It was about 3 o'clock when she burst through the door. I was in the living room and I could hear her from a mile away. "Titi Judy! Is Titi here?"

She flew into my arms with the biggest smile. Words cannot describe how that little girl makes me feel loved. Her eyes are wide open with wonderment, and hope. Her little arms wrap around me with such fierce intensity. But it is the smile on her face that says it all! It makes me feel warm, wanted...that's love.

"Titi, can we play now? Can we build the thing? Can we have a tea party, and then you can read me a book? Titi, are you staying over?"

"Okay, one thing at a time, ok?"

There was a small kit for children that I'd brought to her a couple of months ago that creates a little soccer game, complete with 2 little people, a ball...of course instructions for the adult. I asked her where the hammer was. Jennyce was so cute as she attempted to bring me a tool box that was almost as big as her. We put it together, and then we played...the little kit was so simple, the materials so "cheap". She didn't even care that the stickers that made it look like a soccer field, and gave the soccer players faces, were not even there.

"Come on, Titi! Let's play! Titi, are you Titi Judy Torres?"
I laughed out loud...first time I heard her say my last name.
"Yes, Jennyce....but you call me Titi, Judy, ok?"
"Okay."

We played for almost an hour, and then I told her that before the teap party we had to eat dinner. She set her own plate and cup, and we sat together at the dining table. I teased her that there was more fool on the table than on her plate. And we talked...one of her favorite things is when I say to her, "Jennyce, let's have a conversation. What would you like to talk about?" She wanted to talk about her best friend, Jasmine. No problem. As I listened, she said, "I told her my Titi Judy loves ladybugs and feathers..and I found a feather today." I was immediately brought back to the day my sister announced that she'd come up with a name for her unborn daughter: Jennyce.

When I was about 10 years old, I'd read a book called A Woman With Substance (still a cool book to me), and there was a character in the book called Jenice (same pronunciation). I thought it was the coolest name. In fact, I thought it was SO cool, that I decided that day that if I ever had a daughter, I'd name her Jenise. I never told a soul, never wrote it down, never shared the idea with anyone for fear that someone would steal it. So on the day my sister announced the name I had a heart attack...ok, almost a heart attack! "That's MY name! You can't use that name, I've been saving it my whole life!" My sister laughed at me...and that was the end of it. When my sister was giving birth, my sister honored me by asking me to stay in the room. The nurse was there saying, "Come on...breathe..." and the murse began counting. My sister's reaction was the same reaction used in sitcoms when women are giving birth: "Judy, tell her to shut up! I don't want her to count!! You count." It was a GREAT day, and when Jennyce was born, I cried...joy. Since that day, Jennyce and I have an inccredible bond...I don't know if it's because of the name or not, but we are close. I feel protective of her - hot just physically but mentally and spiritually. I want her to suffer in life as little as possible. Back to the dinner table.

So there we were talking about ladybugs and feathers, and then she says what I would never expect:

"Titi? When I grow up, I want to be like you. You know what? I don't want my body. I want your body, your face, your smile...everything, Titi! "

I laughed, and said, "Oh, no, you don't want this body."

"Yes, yes I do...you know why Titi?"
"Why, Mami?"
"Because it's perfect! You're perfect!"

And you know what? I believed she was telling the truth...that is unconditional love right there...for her to love this chubby body with a bad complexion and hair all wild...that is unconditional! And I smiled with tears in my eyes..."No, Jennyce. YOu are perfect!"

My mom called out, "Judy? Jennyce? You're too quiet over there...what's going on?" LOL.."Grandma, we're having a conversation!" LOL. Afterward, we had our little tea party and all were invited: her mom, me and Grandma. She poured apple juice, served granola bars and fruit snacks for dessert. The best thing was that she actually set the table really well, lol. Unfortunately, my sister had to go somewhere and was bringing Jennyce along, so we had to call it a night, and that's when all hell broke loose. Actually all hell breaks lose EVERYTIME I am about to leave, or we are being separated.

"Titiiiiii!! Titiiii!!! Noooooo!!! I want my Titiiiii!" Tears bursting out so fast and hard they were almost shooting out the way they do in cartoons. That child can SCREAM!! LOL. And it breaks my heart EVERY TIME she says 'I want my Titi.' I tried to comfort her. "Listen, Titi will be back. I always come back, right? Look, when you're on Christmas vacation, you can come to my house and stay with me for a few days, ok?" Immediate silence...as quick as a flick of a switch. "I can stay at your house?" "Yes, Mami." "Okay." My sister took her hand, and I said goodbye, and it began all over again.

"Titiiiiiii!!!" I want my Titiiiii!" With Jennyce's free hand she grabbed at my sweater. "Nooooo...I want Titi!" My sister's eyes look at me like, "Oh, well...she loves you that much." Funny thing is that my sister, when her age, did the EXACT same thing! She pulled away from my sister and threw herself to the ground, and wrapped her strong, glue-like arms around my leg. She held on like her life depended on it. After being pulled from me, she was in the car, and I waved good-bye.

I woke up this morning, remembering her smile and the glow on her face when she saw me. And I realized. What I had heard through many people my whole life: Children don't care what you do with them...they just want your time!! Time with children is a gift, the best gift you can give them. And it is quality time that matters...to sit with them and exchange with them; to treat them like a little adult and listen as if everything they say matters - because it does! Titi Judy loves Jennyce, and Jennyce loves her Titi Judy...and that is perfect!!!

WIPED OUT...ALL THE WAY HOME!!

So, I survived the weekend. It went a bit like this:

Thursday night: INSOMNIA again!! Ugh, of all the nights to lose sleep, this one is not the one. There is a lovely moment between consciousness and sleep. I don't know if you've ever felt that moment or not, but it's kind of interesting, lol. Anyway, as soon as I arrived at that moment, BAM! I was awake, eyes wide open!

Friday: I think I had about 4 hours of sleep; not enough but what can I do...I had a flight to catch. So, had a good breakfast, laughed and was in a good mood. Got a ride to Newark airport where my road manager, David, and I took a flight to Chicago! What a beautiful city - if you've never been there, you should take the trip. The winters kick butt, moreso than here in NY/NJ, but it is worth it. Treated like royalty there. Was greeted by driver, and driven in a Maserati Limousine! Wow! Very few limos make me gasp. This one made me a fan. I took pictures like a true tourist and like a person who'd taken her first limo drive, lol. The color was spectacular: a light, dusted frosted, opalescent green/silver. I have NEVER seen a color on a car like that. Beautiful...no trunk though, lol. So Lissette Melendez, her nephew, my road manager and I shared this gorgeous limo with our luggage.

We were driven to Venuti's, the venue where we'd be performing that evening. It was a truly beautiful place! We were taken to a private room with the promoters and the owner of Venuti's, where we were served dinner - and nothing was off limits! It did feel like royalty, I cannot lie! Afterward we did a sound check and went to our hotel rooms. I took a nap. I could've slept for almost 4 hours, but that insomnia thing was determined to keep me company, and as a result, I slept for about 45 minutes. Better than nothing. The show was great! Cynthia and Lissette and I were backstage discussing how long we've been in this business, family matters, etc...honestly, I think Cynthia and Lissette look better than EVER!! After the show, Lissette and I were bombarded right in front of the Ladies' room, and even at one point had to go into the bathroom to take a few pics for women with no flashes in their cameras, lol. I couldn't hang out afterwards, I had Puerto Rico the next morning!

Saturday: So, I slept a total of an hour and a half. Feeling somewhat zombie-ish, we arrived to the airport to jump on the plane. I was EXHAUSTED. I cannot sleep on planes. It doesn't matter how much leg room I have, or if I can bring the seat back...I cannot sleep sitting up. I look at my road manager, and there he is, with his mouth gaping open, and snoring like a freaking baby. Was I hating? Better believe it! I did get to watch Dispicable Me though! LOL..I needed the laughter and I loved the movie, especially the little girl who was dying to win a stuffed unicorn toy at an amusement park. She screamed "It's so cute and FLUFFYYYY!!!" Okay, you had to be there!

We landed around 4pm, arrived to the hotel and it took almost an hour just to check in. We were staying at the Caribe Hilton...GORGEOUS! I arrived to my pretty room with my big bed, and I walked onto the balcony. And there it was. A beautiful beach flowing with palm trees, inviting sand and a hammock that said, "lie here. The breeze is perfect." Damn. I'm in the motherland, Puerto Rico, and I can't even get a chance to enjoy it! I took a photo of my view - at least I can remember it and perhaps return one day. I closed the balcony door and walked right to the bed, where I felt it. The exhaustion set in. My throat was hurting, and I had not eaten. But I wasn't hungry because the urge to sleep was by far stronger than the urge to eat. I plopped onto the bed...I had at least 3 or 4 hours to rest...did I sleep?

I do not know if I am the only performing artist who experiences this when they travel, but I felt lonely. Beautiful bed, beautiful view, but I just wish I had someone to say, "I am so tired! Can I rest my head on your chest?" or "Can you rub my feet?" Okay, it's really not so much about that...I think I was truly exhausted. Borderline delirious perhaps. And then my phone rang. And I was comforted by a friend at the right moment, when I needed it most. I was lying there, sideways, with the phone on my ear and as I listened, a single tear ran down my face onto the pillow. I hung up, and decided it was time to try to sleep again. But for the 2 1/2 hours my body laid there, my mind never stopped running. Woke up, got a Starbucks and went to the show.

Backstage I was with Lisa-Lisa, who I just adore and we were talking for a while. What I love about her is that she tells it like it is; never censors herself, and if you don't like what she has to say, oh, well, lol. It was my turn to go up onstage, and it was a little scary. Although I was in Puerto Rico, and I know the audience speaks English, the whole I-don't-speak-Spanish-fluently thing comes up and I get a bit intimidated. But I went up there, and did my Puerto Rican Wonder Woman dance step, and it was all good. I invited a young singer named Stephanie Lou Ann Bracero to come to the show. She's 18 and has a voice on her that you know is a gift from God! When I look at her I see myself - and so i've been sending her and hermother emails throughout the year, after having viewed her performances at various places. I think she's pretty amazing. So in the middle of my show, without her knowing I invited her onstage to sing something. And although she was put on the spot, she shined!! I wish I had the means to help her, but I hope that putting her up onstage would get someone's attention. Right after, I had to fly out the door because I had to be at the airport at 2:30 am for a 4:30 am flight.

Sunday: At the airport that is when it really hit me. My eyes burned, my body sluggish. I paid the extra money it cost just to get extra room...and thank God, I had the entire aisle to myself. For the first time I laid down on the aisle and closed my eyes...but NOOO!!! I can't sleep because it's freaking freezing!! I asked the attendant for a blanket: "Sure! We have pillow and blanket for $7!" Are you freaking kidding me? Forget it...I'll freeze. I do think I slept about an hour or so, which was enough to get me through. We landed in Fort Lauderdale, Flo for a connecting flight. Did I want that? Of course not, taking the flights at that time was the only way I could get into New York to make my 12 noon shift at WKTU!

The flight was delayed. Of course it was...that would be expected, lol. It was delayed by an hour, and I had to make lots of phone calls to warn everyone that I may not make it on time. In radioland, there is no such thing as being late. You simply cannot be late. We got on the plane, and I leaned against the window by my seat, praying it would transform into a comfy down pillow. I think I sort of slept. As soon as we landed we ran to the car and I drove to WKTU...I got there at 11:52am....8 minutes before my shift. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but by 5:30 I hit a wall, and I couldn't wait to be free.

All in all, the bottom line is this: you'd be amazed at what you can accomplish when you put your mind to it. The mind is more powerful than your body, because when you WILL something to happen, it does happen whether your body likes it or not!!

TODAY AND WHAT A WEB I WEAVE THIS WEEKEND!!!

Met with my manager today to discuss future recordings, prospects, etc. I was feeling a bit apprehensive because our last meeting, well, left me slightly traumatized. If you missed that blog, let me sum it up for you in a few sentences. It went something like this:

Me (feeling really good about myself, on my way to a movie audtion): "Okay, anything else before I go?"

Him: "Well, yes." Then he slowly made a big circle around my body with his index finger. "What are we going to do...(in slow motion) about this?"

That one sentence sent me into a spiral of self-rejection, self-loathing and bounced me back to a conversation with my father. I can never forget that day - I was about 30 or so, and had broken up with a boyfriend, after discovering he'd cheated on me. I was at my father's house, sitting in the livingroom, and I was frankly on the verge of tears. I work very hard not to cry around my father. For some reason, I cannot be vulnerable around him because I feel he sees it as weakness and God forbid you show weakness to an old-world-Cuban man! He also always demands I stop crying. I guess I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable around him. Period. Anyway, I felt the tears welling up,as my father was in the kitchen warming up dinner for us, and he just happened to see me. The conversation went down like this:

Him: "Judy, Judy...what's the matter? Come on. What's wrong?"

I was afraid to say anything...so I just shook my head.

Him: "Judy, I'm your father. Come on, you can talk to your father. Tell your father what's wrong?"

I hadn't grown up with him since I was 7 years old, and he'd make occasional cameo appearances throughout my life, but I never felt I could count on him. So I thought, adult or not, this was my chance to give him a chance to be there for me. I saw it as a divine opportunity for us to bond for once. So I took a deep breath, and he put his arm around me. Here goes nothing.

Me: "Well, So & So cheated on me! I can't believe it! And to make it worse, I found out on Valentine's Day because we had plans and he stood me up...when I called him asking what happened, he said 'Judy, I keep telling you I love What's-her-face...leave me alone!' I just can't believe it."

Him: "I never liked him anyway....aw, come on. What is she - Puerto Rican?"
Me: "No....Brazilian."
Him: "Ah forget it, you lost him. Brazilian woman? You can't beat that! And anyway, I'm going to tell you something you need to hear, ok? And listen to your father because your father is right."

I thought, um, hello? What does her begin Brazilian have to do with anything? But I waited on his wisdom with doe-like, innocent eyes. I thought to myself that here was what I wanted from him; the one sentence that would make me feel better - the kind of comfort only a father could give a daughter...

Him: "Judy, no man is ever going to love you as long as you look like this."

Huh? I don't want to paint a bad picture of my father here. Just in the same way I never wanted to paint a bad picture of my manager. LOL...maybe it's a man thing. I understood what he was trying to say to me, probably what my manager was trying to say to me too. My father was trying to say to me that men are visual creatures, and this society likes their women thin. If you want success in love, want success in your career - yo'uve gotta be thin, dammit! Period. He sees it simple: lose weight, gain a man!

Anyway, back to my meeting with my manager. I sat down and waited for the word. I knew if he said something bad, I'd be devastated for another 3 weeks, and I didn't want that. The first thing he said is, "Wow, Judy, you look GREAT! How much weight did you lose?" I should have smiled, I should have been proud. Did I lose weight? Yes....in fact I lost 20 pounds. I think I lost it because I, not anyone else, wanted to do it for myself. I really enjoy Zumba classes and honestly I've been VERY happy lately. I've worked hard to heal from a lot of things, and when I'm happy it shows on the outside...and when I'm sad it shows on the outside too. LOL. My manager said, "Aren't you happy? Doesn't it feel good?" I was quite ambivalent about it. He asked me, "Are you so hard on yourself? You don't give yourself credit?" "Yes, I am very hard on myself." And although that is very true, it was really about my slight resentment toward our last meeting, and I somewhat felt cornered about it. Well, we spoke of many things and before I left his office, I was given my itinerary for this weekend. Ready? It goes a little something like this:

Friday - Illonois
Saturday - Puerto Rico
Sunday - KTU from 12 noon to 6pm.

Sounds busy but not impossible, right? Hah!! What you don't know is that there will be less than four hours each night of sleep. And I'm flying from one airport but when I depart from home, I return to a different airport...no direct flight eiher, and I have to catch the red-eye Sunday morning so I can make my shift at work. I fear I will have to be carried out either on a stretcher when it's all over, or in a straight jacket!! LOL...

I will ask this of you, in all sincerity: Please pray for me to have safe travels...It's an awful lot of flying in two days!! Okay, I'm going to appreciate rest right now, I'm going to respect it, and therefore, I'm going to sleep right now!!! Good night...Buenas Noches, Buona Serra, Bon Sois!!! Blah, blah...yawn!!

25th Anniversary of Freestyle - Part 2 of 2!

I have to let you know that the entire night, I had an ANGEL by my side; and I felt it, I knew it, and I never felt more supported or blessed or honored in my life!!! That's all I can say about that, but I need my angel to know that I was aware of it the entire time and that I am truly grateful!!!

It was so GREAT to see everyone: Cynthia, Johnny O, Debbie Deb, George Lamond, Lissette Melendez, Soave, Noel, TKA/K7, Cover Girls, Brenda K. Starr, Sal Abbatiello (booking agent, manager of Cover Girls), Sa-Fire, Corina, Coro, Carlos Berrios(producer, songwriter, movie director),Tony Moran (Latin Rascals & producer for Gloria Estefan, Luther Vandross and Barbra Streisand), Big Al (promoter) and Company B. They hysterical thing was that as the ladies of Company B were walking downstairs to the stage, one of the children of the PS 22 Chorus asked, "Are you Lady Gaga?" LOL. The girls were like, "No, we wore white wigs WAY before her!!" That is SO right!! LOL.

As I watched the show backstage, I was impressed at my peers' performances: Cynthia looked BEAUTIFUL and she sounded amazing...she looked so happy to me! Johnny O was full of excitement! Suove sounded better than he did when he first entire the freestyle arena, Corina is just as beautiful as when she first began, Brenda K. Starr, although she did not perform, was so kind and warm to me, and to me she's just a true STAR! Coro, well, he never looks or sounds bad - what a survivor he is!! Sa-Fire is just a spitfire of energy and I love her dearly as well! Watching the show was like looking through old photo albums and saying, "Wow, look how much we've grown!" I'm very proud of all of our accomplishments, and if you knew the political, ugly side of this business, you would truly admire the freestyle soldiers who fight to sing for you!

The showstopper of the night had to be during Noel's performance. You may or maynot have heard, but allow me to share. I always called Noel the Puerto-Rican James Dean of the Freestyle world!!! He never catered to anyonee's demands, and he's always been his own man. He never cared about what people thought of him, and he literally dances to his own drum. I've always loved watching him perform and I can say that as the years go on, he just gest better and better!! So, while he was performing, the screens throughout the arena captioned that Noel had not seen his twin daughters in seven years because of unfortunate circumstances, and they would be on stage to surprise him, and they'd be wearing gold. Well, you could feel the heightened anticipation, creeping with each second. People began to stand up, searching...even I, even I had to go out in the crowd to witness this reunion.

"Excuse me, ma'am," a security guard said to me, "you CANNOT stand here...this area MUST stay clear." "Please, just let me see this moment...he's my friend...he's being reunited with his daughters...just let me see this and I'll move, I promise." She gave me a dirty look and then motioned me with a "whatever" expression. And then his daughters were standing right behind him. Noel continued to sing as the audience cheered in support! And then Noel turned around, the kind of turn we all do for performance purposes, and he sang and looked at them...and there was a millisecond of silence, and he grabbed them...and like a man, a real man who hadn't seen his children in so long, he cried! He cried bravely with honesty and elation. And I cried too...yes, it was something Oprah would have done! Was it slightly exploitive? Yes...after all, it really is nonoe of our business. However, it was a real moment; a life moment that we can all relate to, and it was worth it. I hope that a lot of people called their kids when the show was over, lol...

I went backstage to change into my second outfit and redo my hair and make up. As I sat exhausted at the makeup table, someone asked me, "What are you going to do with your hair?" Hm, good question...I stared at my curling iron, and the thought of curling all the crazy hair I have seemed daunting! "I'm going to curl it..." And then I heard music to my ears from a complete stranger: "I can do your hair...I have a place in the city..besides I'm bored." Yea...joy!! And as I did my make up, he did my hair. Yes, it was a good day! LOL.

It was my turn to come onstage and well, it was a moment of joy! I was sad that the kids were gone, that my dancers had canceled on me. I didn't have a BIG amazing thing to do onstage, but I kept telling myself that I alone am enough as long as I sing my heart out! And that is what I did! I did the wop, the Roger Rabbit, and all 80s dance moves I could remember, lol. I thanked Angelo Venuto and his band, Voices to backing me...I don't know if people realized but they had been playing since 11am for everyone's sound check and then played ALL night for all of us while we were onstage!! That is pretty amazing!! My time onstage flew by and I walked off happy...that's all that mattered - that the crowd was happy. If they are happy, I am happy..but then I was asked by KTU's Cubby and Cindy to come back on stage, and I was surprised with a Lifetime Achievement Award! Cool! I was truly honored and surprised...but OUCH!!! My feet were killing me!!!

TKA/K7 were up! What an introduction and wow, what reception they received!!! There are a few people I never tire from seeing: George Lamond and TKA/K7! The crowd was deafening! I have always admired Kayel, lead singer for TKA. He's a true friend and a classy guy - at the end of his show, he thanked EVERYONE who had been part of his career, including those who he may not have relationships with anymore. He badmouthed no one, and if you knew the dirty politics, you would not blame him if he did. But he's a gentleman...and that's why he has the success that he does! I went back up a couple of times to sing with TKA, George Lamond and for the finale!

For the finale, we all sang Don't Stop Believing with George Lamond...there was pyro, there were explosions and I looked around and realized, "Wow...this is what 25 years feels like...25 years of friendship, 25 years of freestyle music that has comforted generations, and 25 years of love and blessings!" And then at the very end, there were blasts of multi-colored confetti....and it filled the entire arena. No show had ever gone that far for one of our concerts! It felt good... it truly did. It was as if we all came full circle. But wait. As the confetti blinded me, I had fleeting thoughts: the award, the 25 years...I know, I know...for a moment, I felt a fear interfere with my joy: Is this the beginning of the end? Is that how we go out - with a big bang???

It does not matter. What matters is that this music has been acknowledged. What matters is that we have lives that other people envy. What matters is that I've spend more than 1/2 my life entertaining and truly living out my dream!!! I have been honored with thte title, Queen of Freestyle!!! I have loved, I have lost; I have been paid and there has been a cost! BUT...damn, what a GREAT RIDE!!!!! Whooohoooooo!

FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES...25TH ANNIVERSARY OF FREESTYLE PART 1

It was Saturday, November 6, 2010, the day of the 25th Anniversary of Freestyle concert at Taj Mahal in Atlantic City. I had only about 5 hours of sleep; seems that's about the average I've gotten in the last few weeks. The sleep deprivation resulted from anxiety, concern, nerves and good stressors in my life recently. But today would be the day - lots to do, lots to say, lots to sing. I arrived to Atlantic City, after getting myself lost for the first time, which robbed us of about 45 minutes of relaxation time. But I was excited - the surprise I'd been keeping locked inside would finally be revealed.

My surprise? My Trump Card? My Secret Weapon? The Chorus of PS 22 in Staten Island would be performing No Reason to Cry with me on stage, just as they had done in 2006 at their school as a surprise to me! For years I had thought about those children, and wanted to include them in a show of some sort, but I was always turned down for one reason or another.  Having children perform in big venues is a big insurance, liability risk, blah blah blah.  But somehow, by God's goodness, this year I was granted permission to ask them to sing with me at Taj Mahal.  I had a month to make this happen,  First, I had to get the producer's permission.  The next step was to write a proposal letter to the principal and get permission from the Board of Education. I did all the necessary things in less than three days but it took about three weeks for it to happen!!!

First I was told to wait for an answer. Then I was granted a yes, Then a no.  Then a yes.  Then I was overjoyed!!  Then two days before the show, "Judy, we have a problem."  NOOOOOO, what could it be NOW??? Turns out that I was scheduled to go onstage at 10:25p.m. - PS 22 Chorus would sing with me first.  The problem was the 10 year old children had to be back at the school by midnight the latest.  The teacher explained to me that the students had a curfew of midnight - no later - no exceptions! They had even performed for the President of the United States, and had to be back by midnight.  So if they didn't make an exception for him, I would not be any different.  Hm.  So NOW what would we do??

So the producer, Vito Bruno, and I put our heads together and came up with the idea that since I'd hosted the KTU Freestyle Free For All for 12 1/2 years, I could open the show with the children...and say "There's No Reason to Cry because Freestyle will never die!!"  Corny,  yes, but we'd have to make it work.

I arrived to soundcheck, and saw all of PS 22 Chorus filling in the first two rows of the audience. I said hello to them all, and in an instant you could hear the genuine joy and excitement in their voices.  I high-fived them, asked them if they were excited, if they were ready....and in unison they cried, "Yesssss!"  Kids are the best!  The biggest challenge at soundcheck was to ensure they would all be heard. I said it over and over again to the sound engineers, "It's not about me...I'm fine, I'll be fine, but if those children are not heard, it will be useless."  Their amazing teacher, Mr. Breinberg, looked at me with the same concern I had...but by the third try, they could be heard.  Thank goodness....our dream was going to happen in less than 3 hours!

Not much time to do too much. I swallowed dinner and rushed to get ready. I met with the students of the PS 22 Chorus in the green room, and wished them luck.  They had nothing but compliments:  "Ooh Judy, you look so pretty!" And then from a boy, "Judy, you look beautiful!"  And then of course, most likely from a future fashion designer: "Judy, NICE shoes!!"  LOL. They were so adorable with their smiling faces...and it was their faces that I remembered as I walked to the stage.  I was nervous -actually I had severe dry mouth, lol.  But it was those faces full of hope, excitement and joy that I brought with me.  The chorus began to form onstage, and I watched from the screens backstage. They were holding their hands up high, waving to the audience. It was a great moment.

I walked out onto the stage, and I just felt so supported.  I'm used to being on stage alone.  And sometimes, it can be lonely.  Although I can handle it, it was just great to have people on stage with the very same intention:  to please the crowd!  And then the music began. I started softly...if you begin singing too loudly you have no where to go. That was a valuable lesson my high school music teacher, Mr. Frank Roman, had taught me, and I never forgot anything he said to me.  So I began singing and as soon as I heard the children behind me, I was just full of love.  I was so happy with how it was sounding, and then when I introduced them, I heard the crowd TRULY support their presence and I almost cried. In spite of my dry mouth, which sucked, I sang the words:  "...'Cause, darling, it was meant for you..."  and I heard the crowd roar!  Great feeling...nothing describes it.  And then I heard the children, "There's no reason to cry..." and I knew we were all performing something I'd never forget.

Afterward, I walked upstair to congratulate them:  "WE DID IT!"  And the PS 22 Chorus screamed with the exhilaration that only children can, and I was just so grateful.  Working with them made me miss the one year that I was a music teacher at St. Dominic's in the Bronx - I taught Kindgergarten through 8th grade, and although I loved them all, I have to confess it was the 4th and 5th grades that were my favorite!  I wanted to take these kids home forever! I told them, "I have no children, but today I do!" And Mr. Breinberg interjected, "You have 65 now!"  I also gave them a little pep talk:  "How many of you want to be a professional singer when you grow up?"  Many enthusiastic hands went up.  "Well, let me tell you, you see how smal this room is?  You see there is nothing fancy here?  This is the reality of being a professional singer: the lights and glamour are on stage, NOT back stage. It is very important to remember where you come from.  It won't always be fancy.  If you are wanting to become a singer only to be famous, you are wasting your time.  Be a singer because you want to make people feel good, help them forget their problems, NOT because you want fame.  I love you all & I will never forget what you did for me today!"  I walked away, feeling happy, but feeling sad.  I know in some way, I am meant to work with children. Actually, it's been in the back of my mind for a few years now, that I'd like to start an afterschool mentoring program called, DreamCatchers!  It would be an afterschool program for underprivileged children that would support them in self-esteem and performance arts.  It will be something I do one day, for sure, but I had to release that thought for a moment because I had to go back on stage in a while...time to change...the show must go on!         

PREPARING FOR THE 25TH ANNIVERSARY OF FREESTYLE - AND THEN A WRENCH GOT THROWN IN!

With less than 3 days remaining before the 25th Anniversary of Freestyle Concert appears on the stage of Taj Mahal, I feel great about the whole thing!!!  I also feel a little, just a little stress.  There was so much to be done:  get a showtape done, find out what to wear - outfit, shoes, ,jewelry, rehearse with the band, and prepare fo the BIG surprise I have planned for the audience...I cannot say just yet what it is, because well, it's a surprise isn't it? LOL. 

I have had this surprise on my mind for a few years now actually...but because it seemed like such a big task, I shrank away from it whenever it popped into my head.  But this time, we're talking about 25 YEARS of FREESTYLE!!  For this show, I had to do something different.  I know that the fans have seen me perform about 78 times by now, lol, and when you do a show like this, you need to find a way to reinvent the show.  What can I do differently that I have never done before?  What's the wow factor?  No matter what I tried to do my idea for the surprise kept nagging and nagging at me: "Come on JUDY!!  Let's do it!!"  So, I took a deep breath and met with the executive producer of the show.  When I first told him my idea, he kind of smirked.  Then he was quiet...Have you ever tried to sell someone an idea?  Have you ever had only 5 minutes to convince someone that you're not delirious?  The bottom line is: the key is to believe in your vision; believe in it SO hard, that you use all your passion to explain it, and when you're done, your heart is pounding right out of your chest.  That's exactly what I did.  And then...he said, "Okay, Judy, let's do it...but you will have to do this, that, thensome, and call, and write and get permission, etc...."  No problem, I said...and then the work began.

So it took almost 3 weeks to convince EVERYONE involved that my idea was worthy of the stage. There were letters written, phone calls made, proposals put out, texts, lawyers....whew!!  And then I was told YES!!  And within 3 hours I was told NO...with the producer's help and my experience of having been a legal secretary...we were told YES again!!!

JOY!
ELATION!!!
BLISS!!!!!!

I have been walking on clouds about this idea. This surprise was my Trump card - the thing that would separate this show from any other.  I've been so excited, that when I was sharing the news with a friend, he accused me of sounding like I was having an orgasm!!! LMAO...Wow!!  So I guess you can see or hear how excited I was about it all!!  I was running to Brooklyn today to try on my outfit for Saturday...then I went home to finally rest. And the phone rang"

"Judy, it's Vito and xyz!"
"Hey, how are you guys??" 
"There's a problem."

And as I heard the words, my spirit was in disbelief. NO, this cannot be happening!!  My Trump card folded right before my eyes....

Now what do I do...???

We all took a deep breath, and tried to come up with plan B...but I don't want Plan B for an A Show.  This is when one must practice the art of surrender.  Did I do my best? Yes. Did I exhaust all the possibilities? Yes.  Do I have any control over the situation?  No...So I have no choice than to execute plan B, and surrender to the situation. The more I fight it, the more stressful I will be.  So, I put it in God's hands now - that what is meant to be will happen.  And I hope with all my heart that it will be good enough...that my voice and my performance will still speak volumes!!  God, you think you can intercede here?  Please...lol.

I think this blog was actually me venting...lol...hope that is okay too from time to time!!!  Thanks for reading!     

                 

PREPARING TO CELEBRATE 25 YEARS of FREESTYLE!! A brief history..

First, let me apologize to my faithful followers of the blog!!  I know the blogs about Le Parisen were suddenly gone...I was doing some editing, wanted to change some things, and when I went to retrieve them, I accidentally lost them!! UGH!!  I actually saw some followers having a conversation among each other...it touched me actually that you were worried about me.  I am fine.  Now I know the true meaning of "backing up your computer & documents"!  LOL...

So we are almost 2 weeks away from the celebrating the big 25th Anniversary of Freestyle!!  Wow!  I can't even begin to tell you how crazy that sounds!   I have had this career as a recording artist for 24 years...yes, freestyle had a head start before I broke in the business.  If you are a freestyle freak, you will recall how freestyle spread like wildfire in New York, Florida, Iloinois and California!  Freestyle was in everyone's walkmans (lol, remember that?), cassettes and on the radio on almost every station....it was huge! Freestyle became unanimous with New York culture!  Freestyle was a celebration of the latino culture influencing American dance music - it was clean, feel good music. It was about love, falling in love, losing love, wanting love, cheating love...bottom line it was about the basic feelings of the youth in the 80s.  In other words, freestyle was good, clean fun, music...you have never heard about "gangsta freestyle" LOL...

The 80's were synonymous with freestyle, cavarrici's, high hair, aqua net hairspray, and nightclubs such as Palladium, 1018, Devil's Nest, La Mirage, Marty & Lenny's, Copacabana, Exit, Paled's, Red Parrot, and Emerald City!!  It was a wonderful time for all of us - we were free!!  We didn't have all the drama...we were just celebrating and loving life!  So at first this style of music had no name.  But somehow the industry decided it needed a label. I HATE labels...labels, I find them to be limiting.  Labels puts things in a box, to me, keeps things restricted. So the music industry began writing articles:  "What is this new wave of music?"  "The New Latin Hip-Hop...then it evolved to Latin Freestyle...now because I think music is for all people, it is simply FREESTYLE!!  And the crowds that the freestyle shows drew were in drones of the thousands!!!  I will NEVER forget that!  I can never forget it!  And so,  freestyle became a frenzy, an out of control storm force that could not be stopped.  Or could it???

Suddenly in the mid 90s, something happened, and everyone has a different explanation for it.  In the mid 90's there was a station called HOT 103...Hot 103 had given birth to the freestyle by being the first station to play it.  And before you know it, major pop stations such as Z100 wanted to have freestyle artists to perform at their functions.  And what most people don't know is that in the inner circles of freestyle, it became a political war!  Station vying against station, fighting over us...We had a chance to cross over and be more pop, aka, TOP 40 - the very thing all artists strive to achieve.  And for a second we had a taste of it.  But what you don't know is that while many of the freestyle artists saw the chance, we couldn't take the opportunity.  You see, there was a threat going on behind closed doors. It was an unspoken threat:  If you do the show, the parade, the concert for such and such a station, we will black ball all your music and NEVER support your music again.  It may not sound scary, but it became extremely frustrating to feel that one small step could potentially ruin our career...so in a way, many freestyle artists were literally held back. 

There is another theory as to why freestyle did not continue:  EVERYONE was doing it - everyone wanted piece of the freestyle pie...this is not a fact, just an opinion  here.  But I feel that in some ways, freestyle needed to grow - it needed to expand and change and evolve in the very same way that hip hop and rap has over the years.  For some reason, the demand for new freestyle was so HUGE and STRESSFUL, that many people just copied the same recipes from other songs, and before you know it...some people could not distinguish who was who.  Also because everyone wanted it, so many more freestyle artists were emerging...and it seemed that everyone was signing anyone, and thus, the quality of some artists, the standards were not as high anymore. I am not trying to put anyone down - it's an observation that many of us have talked about.

I will never forget the day I was at HOT 103...and an announcement was made that they were changing dials to HOT 97. In less than a year, sometime in the early 90's, HOT 97's program director announced that HOT 97 would no longer play freestyle...they announced they would be changing their format to play a new genre of music:  Hip-Hop!  It was the beginning of the end for freestyle!  And once New York stopped supporting freestyle, the other stations around the country followed suit.  And we were faced with a harsh reality that freestyle was "over."  We were told to go find jobs...I had even heard a rumor that the program director owned a restaurant at the time, and was said to have mocked us by saying, "If they need a job, they can wait tables at my place."  Ouch. That hurt.  I never forgot it.

I remember walking the streets of Parkchester, in the Bronx...and wondering, "What am I going to do?"  We had such a  tremendous success, that I think we didnt' see the end ever coming.  We felt invincible...that freestyle would last forever.  We were wrong...well, sort of.  I can't tell you what everyone did; I can only tell you what happened to me.  I was not ready for the rainy day.  I did not save enough money.   was so preoccupied with taking care of my family, my siblings, etc., that I kind of gave it all away.  And little by little, the shows slowed down.  the bills began coming.  It is VERY expensive to keep this business going. Each artist is their very own business...and they have LOTS of overhead:  you have to pay your manager, booking agent, road manager, dancers.  You have to constantly invest an re-invest into yourself...there are costumes to buy, shoes to wear, make up, hair, nails...and you have to keep it fresh to keep up the face e of the illusion you've learned to give the public.  The public loves to believe you have it all, when in essence, you are truly spending a LOT of money.  In less than a year, I lost my precious condominium that Ihad purchased at the age of 18!  Gone. Done.  My stubbon self refused to declare bankruptcy, so I paid off every single credit card.  I was stil singing, but instead of 12 shows a month, it was about 2...too little to suvive one.  I became an aerobics instructor, I worked for two attorneys, and every once in a while deal with the "shame" of someone recognizing me on the street, saying, "Oh, my God! Judy Torres?? Judy Torres works here?!"   Ah, yes it was a very humbling time for me...and I am happy to have been humbled!  It was a valuable lesson to learn...and I'm glad God gave me that lesson very early. 

And then something happened.  The phone started ringing again.  I was told that the people in the clubs were asking to hear me perform...huh? But the songs are so old now...it didn't matter.  And in a couple of months I was working regularly perfornmng in clubs.  I wasn't the only one - George Lamond TKA Coro, Cynthia, etc...we all were working consistently.  And in a few more years, a new station re-emerged:  WKTU, the Beat of New York. And they supported freestyle...the people's hunger to hear it agin was satisfied. I was hired there and for 12 1/2 years I hosted the KTU Freestyle Free For All.  And soon after, the idea of freestyle concerts began to flourish, and we were once again thrown into a resurgence of freestyle, accompanied by new fans - the younger borthers and sisters and children of the original freestyle freaks!  We've been able to say we've performed in the big arenas:  Nassau Coliseum, PNC Bank Arts Center, arenas all over the country and finally the world famous Madison Square Garden....almost 25 years later!!  Sold OUT!!  It has been an incredible ride.

We are now less than two weeks away from the 25th Anniversary of Freestyle!! Twenty-five years!!!  A quarter of a century! If someone had told me I'd still be singing No Reason to Cry ans  Come Into My Arms 25 years later, I would never have believed them!  But yet, here we are...and I have to tell you how grateful I am, how grateful we all are, that you have stood by us through thick and thin.  And it is YOU, the PEOPLE who forced freestyle to be reincarnated!!!  I will take this joy to my grave!  And I will NEVER again take it for granted. I am well aware that we are all getting older - many of you have children, mortgages, and I fear the day that you wil all say, "Ay, I wish I could go to the show, but I'm too tired!" LOL...

And so, I enjoy
every
single
moment!!!

And when I step out onto the stage in two weeks to sing, I am going to soak up EVERY SINGLE MINUTE!!  I have some special things planned...I want to show the "industry", well, we STILL GOT IT!! And FREESTYLE isn't going anywhere!!  It is the voice of the people, it is a part of our culture...it is our LEGACY!!!                                        

DOCTOR, DOCTOR, GIVE ME THE NEWS!!!!

So yesterday, I woke up still feeling sick, but felt I was getting better.  I slept a LOT the night before - almost 11 hours!!! Whew, hadn't had that kind of sleep since I was 19 and doing 4-5 shows a night, lol.  I showered, got dressed and was all set for work at KTU and a date I had made with a gentelman who teaches Rhumba and Cha-Cha at a dance studio in the city.  Yea, paints a picture for you, huh? LOL...makes me think of a svelt, tall, perfect-postured man, with his hand held out to invite me to dance.  But then, as I was literally inside the tunnel, I began to feel body aches again, and just an agonizing sensation that I wanted to sleep. I realized, at a very late juncture, that I didn't think I'd make it through my shift.

I called my boss and told him I was afraid I couldn't make it...could the dj after me come in a bit earlier? He told me he'd call me back.  I drove around 2 times and found a GREAT parking space.  I walked to the store to purchase apple juice,  tea and water...my phone rang. 

"Judy, don't come in...We got you covered. "  Wow that was quick.  Sounds strange, but I was so freaking relieved.  Walked right back to my car, drove back home, bought chicken soup, placed a sorry-I-didn't-make-it-to-work status on Facebook, and put my head down. OH MY GOD!  I had to call the dance instructor to cancel.  He was, gratefully, understanding.

Went to see my caring Dr. today.  Yes, I have bronchitis.  I received medication...and then she went over my blood test results.  Negative - for lupus; Negative - for Lyme Disease.  Then she points out that I am Vitamin D deficient and that it may explain a little of the fatigue as well.  There was somthing suspicious in my bloodwork and she referred me to a specialist...something about connective tissue disease - could be possible arthritis, although my phsycial indicated negative towards that too. Well, at least I may be getting some answers to why I KNOW I've not been myself lately! LOL

Well, my friends...take this blog as a sign to get yourself examined,. If you have not had a thorough physical in a long time, please do it.  Do it for yourself; for without your health, you don't have anything!! Muah!

FROM WALL STREET TO BEING FOLLOWED DOWN THE STREET

Had another date this evening...with a new man.  Yes, I have decided a will do the dating game until I begin to feel a true connection with someone, and then I will be a committed girlfriend.  In my past, as soon as I'd met someone, he immediately became my boyfriend, and well, because of my desire to have a boyfriend, I chose the wrong ones.  This blog is beginning to become a magazine editorial called, "Single in the City!"  LOL.  Anyway, he is aware that I keep a blog and has given me permission to discuss the date, etc, but in respect for his privacy I am limited to what I can mention...BUT...

We will call him Wall St. Guy...older than me by 5 years. Hm, I just realized it's been a while since I've dated a man older than me. The men I date tend to me my age or younger (NOOOO I am NOT  a cougar!! LOL).  Wall St. Guy, well he works on Wall Street and is an entepreneur.  Quite frankly, he's different.  VERY different.  Okay, I have to fess up here. I met him online. Yes, I know. LOL. Handsome man, tall, very athletic...runs in marathons. The second I saw him, I realized that he was "out of my league". I don't mean it in the sense that I don't deserve him or anything like that. But he basically looked like Jeff Bridges....piercing blue eyes, blond hair...but his facial expressions...all Jeff Bridges.  He is highly intelligent, has an incredible vocabulary.  In fact, when I got home tonight, I had to run to the dictionary to find out what "premontories" meant, lol.  Wall St. Guy was a gentleman. But everything he is - I am not.  From his fashion sense to some of the topics we covered, we were clearly very different...but it was nice to feel challenged, and as my friends have recently encouraged me - it was nice to explore new avenues.  Wall St. Guy has NO idea who I am...that was nice too.  The best thing about him?  The way he treated me.  He was kind, he was respectful, he was truly interested in every thing I said.  And...he complimented the crap out of me! LOL...apparently, he is only attracted to BBW - Big Beautiful Women! I know people always put their best foot forward, but he was sincere...I could see that.  He even admitted before he took me home, that we are on opposite sides of the spectrum...but that he would see me again in a heartbeat.  We'll see where it goes...

And then...

I decided to stop at the supermarket for a couple of groceries. I chose to walk because it was a good night, and I was in the mood.  It wasn't even 10:30pm...I began walking up the hill to get home, and this Hispanic man was sitting on a stoop.

"Oye, mami!  Ps, Ps, Ps." he exclaimed, using a sound that I call letting-the-air-out-of-the-tires.
"Oye, mami! You need help with your bags?"

Now if you're a man, please let me explain what happens in a woman's mind:
If I am nice to him, and acknowledge him = he may think I am interested (which I am not)
If I ignore him, and pay him no mind         = I'm a bitch, and now I have to pay a price by being called all sorts of things..

So what did Judy Torres do?  You know me by now, I'm sure.

"No, I don't need help.  Thank you." I gave him a very small and slightly dismissive smile.

I didn't think it was a big deal...men have been cat-calling since women walked by the caveman's cave.  I just continued to walk home. I had about 2 blocks to go.  I felt something...He was behind me.  He was walking directly behind me.  He was followng me.

"Hey, mami!  I'm talking to you...don't be a pendeja!" (I forget what pendeja means, but you never want to be labeled with that name, lol).  He was making me a little nervous...He was getting too close.

If we were to rewind this scene ten years ago, I would have walked faster, perhaps run...anything to get away from this man..
Fast forward to present.

I turned my head around so much that Linda Blair in the Exorcist would've been impressed!

I yelled in a way I had never heard myself yell.  It was as if any anger I had toward being mistreated and disrespect for the last 42 years were poured on to him. 

 "I know you did not call me a pendeja...you asshole!  Get the fuck away from me - you hear me!  Don't fucking try me...I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS - you hear?"

I SO wish you were there to see his face.  Wow. Even I shocked myself. He was mystified. His jaw dropped and he stopped dead in his tracks.  He was in disbelief...and so was I. 

I witnessed a lot of abuse as a child, and I put up with a lot of stuff...I tolerated mistreatment, disrespect, violence. I was put down, neglected, abused...and as a child I had no voice; I was powerless. I was in survival mode.  Today I was in survival mode too. It could have been a bad situation...but today I am not a child. I am a woman!  I do have a voice...and thank God, today for the first time, I found my power!!  I have to tell you, as I walked away, as I entered my home, I smiled.  It felt good...I stood up for myself.  It felt good to reclaim my power, to yell because I was angry, instead of cry or cower in fear.  Yea. It - felt - GOOD!   
          

ENJOYING THE "NOW"

Spent most of the day at the doctor's office, reviewing the results to my physical.  Good news:  Sugar, Cholesterol, Blood Pressure - Excellent! Vitamin/mineral levels - Excellent!  I admit I was SO relieved to hear that, especially knowinge that high blood pressure and diabetes run in my family. So as Dr. M continued the examination, she did see that, in spite of the medication I was given last week, my legs and ankles are still somewhat swollen.  She did all these strange things to me: pulling my shoulders up, moving my legs around, feeling my neck. Wait. She was feeling my neck too long.

"Hm, you know..." the doctor said, "the right side of your neck is larger than the left."
I looked at her face for more.
"And sometimes the swelling in the legs, especially in the shin area can mean thyroid issues. Although your thyroid results were good, I want to do an ultra sound just to be sure, make sure it's not a tumor."
I nodded in consent.  Yes, this is good...let's be thorough.  And then she did something some doctors never do.  She sat on her chair and moved it up to me.

"So, Judy. Tell me.  How are you?"
It was as if the flood gates opened.  Part of me was relieved and the other was scared to speak up. What the hell...let me get it out.
"Dr. M, I have not been well. I have been EXTREMELY fatigued lately. I wake up, and want to sleep. Sometimes I do go back to sleep, and the other morning I gave in and slept an additional three hours after already having had eight hours sleep.  I have trouble falling asleep."
"Well," chimed in Dr. M, "Do you have a lot on your mind?  How is your career?  How've you been feeling about your weight?"
"No.Yes. Yes, I have a lot on my mind. I am worried, but I'm not obsessed about it.  I don't know, to be honest, I just noticed that the last five days or so, I'm having crying spells...I start crying, and I can't stop...just telling you about them makes me feel like crying right now."
She shocked me:  "Here, here's a tissue...let it out! It's okay, really - go ahead and cry."
Ironically, I didn't - I just looked to her for answers.  She looked at my results again.

"Okay, let's test your hormones...let's do more bloodwork to check for arthritis, Epstein Barre Syndrome, Lupus...everything...let's help you. In the meantime, call your neurologist and get your brain and spine checked with MRI...let's rule out the physical symptoms before we approach the psychological." 

This is a good doctor.  The fact that she moved her chair up, and LISTENED to me was half the healing, lol.  Anyway, she encouraged me to find a therapist because she said it's good to have someone to listen to anyway. I left her office and immediately did all the testing...I continue to pray and have faith in God's goodness...and I know things will get better. 

And then I got a phone call...a phone call from a man in my past...20 years ago.  We'll call him Six.  Six and I met in Florida in the beginning of my career through a mutual friend in grammar school.  For three days we hung out, laughed, danced..and on the very last night he kissed me. On and off for the next two years or so we would hang out and make out and he would always try to seduce me. Yea, I said it - sorry, Mom. It wasn't that I wasn't curious; it wasn't that I wasn't crazy about him; it wasn't that I didn't care about him.  But . He was intimidating. One of those men who knows what he wants, and agressively pursues it.  I will say in spite of his feelings, he ALWAYS respected me.  I don't remember how we lost touch, or why we stopped speaking, but I never forgot his great, sea-like green eyes.

"Nena," (that's what he always called me.) would you like to come with me to the movies to see Conviction at the Director's Guild Theater, starring Hillary Swank and Minnie Driver?"
"Hey, stranger! Sure!"
A couple of hours later we met at Starbuck's to catch up. Six is a retired police officer and has been a professional actor for the last 10 years! I was so happy for him because it was always his life's dream and he was now doing it, and has been pretty successful too!  We discussed our lives, successful careers, and failed relationships.  And there was a moment, where I just looked at him and it came rushing back, and I suddenly remembered how intimidated I used to be in his presence. I was so young, naive and VERY shy.  He was always such a powerful man, and quite frankly, it was a turn on.  It was not his "power" per se, but his confidence that was sexy.  And, while I love bald men too, he has a GREAT head of hair on him still...no grey hair, just a little on the stubble on his chin.  Gorgeous green eyes, and the best eye contact that I can remember.  He is not pretentious in the least.

The movie was very very good, and I was so happy to be there. It was great to have that spontaneity in my world, even if just for a day. But, God, I needed this...I needed the company of a man, without worrying if he would expect or disrespect me...Six was my friend.  And after the movie, I invited him for a drink. We went to a very nice restaurant and ordered a couple of drinks, and it was there that I began to blush. I admit it, I am STILL attracted to him.  The best part of it all, is that neither one of us had to be on guard. It was comfortable. 

I shared with him my recent disappointments from Navy Guy suddenly disappearing, to Lobster's cameo appearances and phone calls, to the men who make dates just to stand me up, to the men who just want to have sex with me on the first date...and nothing else. Six listened, told me about his divorce and why his marriage failed, about the women who had come and gone, the turn on's and turn off's and he reminded me of the following:
"Judy, most of us suck! But you  remember I told you this - YOU, the woman, are ALWAYS in control. You decide what you want from us, and if they don't offer you what you want, forget them.  You take control...and you let them wonder for a change. Not the other way around.  You're a good woman, Judy...I always thought you were different...and we always had a connection."

Five minutes later, I began to remember what attracted me to him those 20 years ago, and why I had not taken things farther those 20 years ago - He makes me feel wanted, happy, like I can trust him, but there is always something there that tells me he is not the relationship type. Suddenly I realized he'd continued his lecture and I wasnt even listening:

"...deinitely am still attracted to you...still something there...but right now I'm really working on myself before..." Yep, I was right, lol...not the relationship type. Six did say something profound to me. And although I'd heard it before, and I've even said it to people before, I needed to hear it today.  "Judy, sometimes you have to quit worrying whether or not you'll be married, or have children, or you'll have that successful career.  It is here. It is now. All you have is the present...and if you can stop worrying for one second and appreciate all you have now, you will be happier.  And when that happens, the love you have been waiting for will pop right into your life."

It honestly calmed me to hear him remind me of that.  Damn...still cute.  I could kiss him right now.
"Judy?  You there? Why are you smiling?"
"Nah, nothing."
We got to his car. We talked for a bit as he dropped me off, and in an instant, grabbed me and kissed me.
"Yes, Judy...I am still find you extremely beautiful!"  Woooh.  Call the ambulance!!  Fire!! LOL....I walked away with a smile on my face, no questioning if he'll call me again or not, whether or not this will turn into something. In fact, I didn't even care that perhaps his speech was just a set up to provide him the opportunity to kiss me. I didn't care! Nope! Just...enjoying the NOW.                                      

HAVE I SHARED TOO MUCH?

I hestitated to write this blog, because there is a battle within myself to show you the best side of me, because, well, I want to inspire, to encourage...so the other side of me wants to hide. But because I want to be honest, I will honor you and myself with the truth:  it's been a tough two weeks.

First, let me confess that something's been wrong physically.  I cannot give you a concrete, detailed analysis, because I don't know what it is. But I should tell you that there have been some issues...one that possibly points to the multiple sclerosis that I was diagnosed with so many years ago. I have been symptom free for years now, with just a mild tingle in my pinky finger, and sometimes a little fatigue. Otherwise...symptom free.  The possibility of another attack, relapse, may be underway.  But there are other symptoms - some swelling, some fatigue, the foot pain, just strange pains, etc., - in spite of the fact that my sugar is good and my cholesterol and blood pressure are great -  that I cannot put my finger on that's caused me to feel a bit of alarm.  I finally did go to the doctor and they've run some tests - I now put my faith in God's hands that if something is wrong, God will reveal what we need to know.  And I also put my faith in God's hands that all will ultimately be well.  It may just be the mutlpile sclerosis deciding to bring on some sort of attack, and this may be a warning. And all this is a bit discouraging because I was just beginning to work out again and found a lot of joy in Zumba classes. Doctor told me to not exercise until I see her again...so I wait.

Another thing to confess.  This is the hard one. I think I'm depressed.  No. It's not just the "blues, but I wonder if I am depressed.  This is where I become afraid to tell you the truth.  But what is true is true.  You see, for the last two weeks or so, I have had some crying spells...I also am not focusing on things too well...my mind wanders and I'm finding it hard to concentrate.  Some years ago, in my twenties, I did suffer from depression, and I worked VERY VERY hard for many years to find my joy again.  And yes, it was a diagnosis by a medical doctor...I suffered from it many years ago. I did years of therapy, introspection, meditation, medication for a couple of months (yea, I said it, LOL) prayer and surrender.  When I say surrender, I mean that I surrendered to the truth that I was not functioning too well - that I needed help. And I got the help I needed and wanted.  You see I believe that the ability to admit you need help is actually a sign of GREAT health; that I care enough about myself to be honest about it.  And once in a while, that black cloud tries to make a comeback, and I don't let it.  But something is wrong. I know it. I feel it. 

I have been lonely...and yes, my fans, you are wonderful to me. You think,"God, she's got hit songs, she sings all over, she's on the radio, she's got fans who LOVE her, friends and family!  She's got a great life - what's to be sad about?"  You are right. And I don't take that for granted, and yet, something is wrong.  Something is wrong on the inside that has nothing to do with any of my loved ones...it's me.  I feel it in my gut.  So before it gets me, I will get it and smother the hell out of it! LOL. Anyway, my doctor and I have decided to do a full physical first to rule out all of the physical possibilities first...so I'm praying, I'm thinking and today, I am blogging...in the hopes that just expressing this will help me figure it all out.

I wonder:  Is it that I'm lonely?  - You know I've been single for two years now. Never thought that would happen. I look around and see couples...I know they are not perfect, but damn, they have someone! I wonder why it's not me. Yes, I'm trying to be patient and I remind myself that God WILL bring someone to me...the right one.  But I am lonely. I am also frustrated, that I have recently done nothing but think about the Lobster. When I look back, which I shouldn;t but Ido, I still don't understand what went wrong and it pisses me off!  Then I'm also freaking frustrated at these idiotic men (sorry guys, I don't mean you) that talk to me, call me, text me, email me, etc...and then we make plans and I get either stood up, or they play stupid games with me. Oh, yea, this is a good time to mention that I had a date all set last week with a completely different man...and I was still stood up...no call, no text! D-A-M-N!!!  What the...??? 

The average woman would be disappointed. The average woman would say, "His loss, the jerk- He doesn't even deserve me!!"  I do think those things, for about an hour.  Then I am devastated...and I cry. I'm too sensitive about it. I think it goes deeper than that. Oh I can psycho-analyze the crap out of this: I can say, "Well, I  have abandonment issues from my childhood, when I would wait for my father who didn't show." And even though I'm aware of it, I am still freaking devastated.  And quite frankly, I know I'm jumping around, but I haven't been the same since the whole weight issue was brought up to me...I've gone off track. Sorry.

My point is that for the last two weeks, I am constantly on the verge of tears....sometimes I let it out, but I am trying to hold it in. I don't want to upset those around me. I am afraid to say, "Mom, I think I'm depressed again."  I want to be held...does that make sense?  But I am proud of myself now that I am admitting it, bringing it into the light, instead of hiding it in the darkness where it only breeds and gets worse.  And then, I laugh...wait. I am 42 now...I could be peri-menopausal...maybe it's hormones.  By the way, yes, the doctor tested my hormone levels too, lol.  But if that's what this is - I HATE IT!!

So, in conclusion, I hope I haven't lost any fans, or potential boyfriends by this confession.  One day, I will blog the first 20 pages of my autobiography, so you can hear more.  So you may learn why this all started many years ago.  But. But. But. I wanted to show you who I am, who I can be sometimes...and yes, that even Judy Torres is just like you...and there is NO shame in that!!! Is there? NO!!!   Did I just give TMI??? LOL...Sorry, if I went there, but you know what, I am bearing a small smile of relief right now.  Have I shared too much?? 
  

IN THE COMPANY OF A STAR!!!

Wasn't even in Atlanta for 24 hours and yet it was a HUGE learning experience! I was nervous while taking off from the airport on my way to Atlanta to record a song that Chris Willis and I wrote.  After all, it's Chris Willis!!! Don't know who he is, I dare you to google him. I landed and called him as he had instructed me to. Chris picked me up and had the best aura around him.  Sometimes when you are around a person, you just know they possess so much positivity - and he's got it! Before we went to the studio, he took me to check into the hotel.  Originally, when Chris & I discussed my visit to record with him, I assumed I'd pay for the trip - because that's what I do; take responsibility and claim it on my taxes, haha.

Then I suddenly get an email from Chris & all arrangement were made in advance. I simply thought that when I saw Chris, I would reimburse him for costs. When we got to the front desk to check in, I was given my key and told it was "taken care of." I looked at Mr. Willis with suspicion:
"Chris, um, I thought I'd be paying for this."
"Well, maybe we can barter later or something."
I would like to add that this was not some Holiday Inn (no offense, Holiday Inn, I've had many nice stays at your fine establishment).  This was a 5 star, luxury - even-Oprah Winfrey-would-have-you-stay-there kind of hotel.  AND...there's more!  It was on the top floor, balcony, GORGEOUS room...you know the kind that leaves fluffy robes and shee-shee-foo-foo toiletries!!  I put my bag down and was off to the studio.

It was at his studio that I confessed my anxiety about recording with him.  I explained how when I see him perform I simply hear a star!  His vocal range and what he does with his voice exceeds my expectations. His stage presence is commanding, and I told him that I have just been so stupidly happy to see him rise to the top!!  He thanked me, and proceeded to tell me that after seeing me perform at Beatstock he wondered why I wasn't more famous! Ha! He wondered?  LOL..I wonder too!  That's the question!  Anyway, truth is I imagine that when he's in the studio he's a perfectionist and probably records everything on one take.  There are a few, a small elite group of people who can record a whole song on one take...Chris laughed when I told him that and told me not to worry.

We got started around 2:30pm.  It felt good - I felt good.  I felt supported.  And for once, because he was doing the engineering, I felt someone spoke my language.  In the past, whenever I've recorded, it's frustrating sometimes to work with people who do not sing. I mean no offense to any past producers, but singers, in a way, have a different language in the studio. Sometimes it is difficult for a producer to convey to a singer what they are looking to hear. But not only did Chris speak my language but he had like an advanced vocabulary!!!  I was very happy - the song is different than anything I've ever recorded. It has hints of R&B, Gospel, dance, pop...and it's a really happy song about believing you've finally found love - something you know I am secretly hoping for!! About four hours later, we went to dinner.

Hanging out with Chris Willis was a great experience. It was just me and him...and I picked his brain like crazy. I wanted to know what is his secret?  How did he find this success?  What does he tell himself when the "powers that be" in the music industry try to discourage him?  How does it feel to have two top 40 songs?  Every single question I asked he answered, and he answered with an honesty and a humility that I couldn't have received any better.  We also discussed things like family, matters of the heart, and spirituality and religion...Not to mention that dinner was GREAT!!  LOL.  He asked me questions too...and I felt I made a friend.  I realized right there and then, as the sun slowly went down in Atlanta, that God rewarded me a blessing, far beyond what I could have hoped for:  a new friend in the business and a deeper discussion about musical aspirations and dreaming for a higher level in life.

We reconvened the recording about 8pm or so.  I had recorded 2 verses, a bridge and background vocals had to be done.  Okay, there are background vocals that usually consist of two part harmony...and then there's Chris Willis harmony - four parts, and layers and layers of other vocals overlapping over others...in essence it's genius, but to record it...a whole new story, people!  Not only did I have to do those layers, but also had to record all of it (probably about 40 or so), in addition, I had to do it four times over so it sounds "fuller" ; choir like!  It was 11:30 when my throat began to hurt.  But I mentioned nothing to him, even though he persisted to ask intermittently if my throat was ok....only a true singer would know the threshold for the throat before it begins to tire.  And then I learned something I had not known...Chris would be flying in the morning to film his video for his new song!!!  How could he still be with me, when he has less than eight hours before he flies!!  He finally admitted that he thought we both did  not have the energy to finish and have the best result....and he drove me back to my room & I wished him a safe flight and gave him the advice my mom leaves me with before every show:  "Go and kick butt!"

I was on such an adrenaline high from recording with Chris Willis, that I didn't realize what my  body was going through. Aunt Flo made a cameo appearance, (I know, I know...too much information) my back was killing me, I had a migraine, and my legs were swollen! I walked into my hotel room, was just about to surrender to my gorgeous king size bed, when I suddenly realized something was in the room that hadn't been there when I first checked in:  a huge gorgeous, flower arrangement of pure white lillies!!!  The whole roomed smelled GORGEOUS!  I looked at the card:  "Judy, welcome to Atlanta!  Sing pretty! Love, Chris."

And this morning, I treated myself to breakfast in bed, and even with my throat sore, I managed to enjoy it.  I checked out, and as I walked outside, there was a black town car, there was a man holding a sign that read, "Ms. Judy Torres." Yep. Chris, the gentleman he is, sent a car to take me to the airport!!  And as the plane took off, I realize there is still a chorus to be recorded, but we arranged a future date to finish what we started.  This experience will stay in my heart for as long as I live and I will definitely pay it forward!!! But that, my friends...is what it felt like to be in the company of a STAR!!!                                           

Insomnia, Atlanta and Hope!

Chris Willis & Me - Day he offered to write with me! 

Rough night last night. Can't lie. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't stop hurting - yes I was feeling so sore. Couldn't stop thinking. Was thinking about the quiet. Normally, I love silence, but last night it was too loud. And then I cried. I cried for myself - I felt bad, didn't want to cry, but it had to happen. Maybe it's PMS...either way, if you're a woman and ever had pms, you know it feels as real to you as anything else - even if you feel like a psycho while you're in the midst of it. So I cried. I have been lonely. As long as I'm singing, working, on the air, writing, reading, I am okay. But when I am alone. Ugh. Just wish I had someone to wish me goodnight; to kiss me goodnight. The dating is scene is so rough - and I've been single now for over two years. I tell myself that there is a reason; that God is preparing a good man for me, or that I have something great coming up that if I had been with someone I wouldn't be able to do. But I cried. And then, only then, I fell asleep.

I was in my car this morning listening to the Gayle King Show on XM, and discovered that today is International Gratitude Day. Hm. Now I felt like crap for crying last night. It is just so true: if you find things to be grateful for, if you are in a spirit of thanks, there is no way you can be unhappy. So, my spirits were instantly lifted because I have SO much to be thankful for. I have a new thing to be thankful for. Tomorrow I am flying to Atlanta, Georgia, to record a new song that I wrote with Chris Willis!!

Chris Willis is an international pop star! And he is one of the few people in this cruel and fun industry whom I truly admire. A former gospel recording artist, his voice is just incredible. His vocal range NEVER goes out, and I have NEVER heard him sing a bad note. I've heard him sing at night after doing a stint of four shows in one night; and I have heard him sing first thing in the morning, just after arriving from Brazil hours before and STILL sound GREAT! His song, Love Is Gone, is a song that I still dance to and listen to in my ipod! When I first heard it, I wondered who this man is...and then, and THEN, when I discovered we had the same management - H E L L O!!! I HAD to meet him. He is not only an amazing vocalist, but he is also a most gracious human being. He has been nothing but kind to me, and when I had my sinus surgery last year, he was the ONLY one to send me anything!

One day after a sweet sixteen we were both booked for, I mentioned an idea to him for a song. He called me a few days later and told me he wanted to write something with me. Chris has a new song now that he did with David Guetta, Fergie and LMFAO, called No Getting Over You. And it is a top 40 hit - something that all recording artists strive to do! I thought that now with his fame and frenzied schedule I would have to put the whole idea of writing with him off. But I was wrong. He was truly a man of his word, and the song he wrote with me is so great! I am excited - the theme of the song is about a new encounter and feeling like he might be the one! Hopefully what I sing about will attract exactly that to me!

So now I'm nervous. I know you don't think I should be. But I am. It's the same as you being an actor and Merryl Streep invited you to do a scene with her. My biggest concern is my voice. I ho[e to have a great voice tomorrow and deliver what is expected of me. I am now in a new and higher caliber of talent, and if I perform and record well, it is possible that some of that wonderful talent, great blessings & a little bit of luck will rub off me! There will be no tears tonight - just a lot of hope and prayer!!