BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD

Today was a hard one. 

Today was rough.

Let's just say it was one of those days I felt so insignificant - so unimportant.  I feel like a failure.  For five long hours I worked on writing a song. I poured my heart and soul into it.  I deprived myself of sleep for it.  I wrote and rewrote.  And rewrote again...because it HAD to be perfect.  There were hundreds of papers unapproved, filled with rejected words and ideas.  I became a bit of a mad woman while trying to write this song.  Now I understand why writers lock themselves in mystery rooms, and won't come out until the work is complete.

People come up to me all the time and say, "Judy, when are you coming out with something new?" I know it is somewhat a rhetorical question.  I also know it's a question that any fan would ask an artist. The question says, "Hey, I like you and your music so much, I can't wait to hear what you do next."  But, my God, it is not easy.  The songs just don't come out of thin air...wait.  Yes they do. But the air is usually full of inspiration.  The challenge is not to just write a catchy tune, but to express something in a way that has never been expressed before.  How do you set yourself apart from other songwriters?  I have thousands of songs in a book, all unsung, never recorded, never brought to life.  Why?  Simply because I don't think they are good enough. Or.  When I do have something I think is good enough, that's when someone of some position of power that says, "It's good, Judy, but not good enough."  It is very hard to not take those words personal.  Why?  Because so much of who you ARE is put into a song.  And when someone says it's not good enough, you can't help but feel you aren't good enough either.           

So I worked on this song for days, and finally on the last day I worked on it for five hours. I was so happy about it. I felt like I had written a real hit!  I went to bed exhausted but exhilarated.  And today I went to the studio to sing it to the producer and expected to record it as well.  I went there with a smile on my face.  I sang it to him, proudly...and then it happened.  Silence.

Silence after singing is a sure sign that it doesn't work.  I sang it again and again, and even I became silent.  The producer wasn't mean or harsh, but I knew the truth. If you both aren't jumping up and down...if you're not anxious to jump on tbe microphone and record it...if you have nothing to say...it simply doesn't work.  And so, we talked about what was good, what was not...we even tried to rewrite it.  I spent four hours there and left with my silly lyric sheet that will probably be burned before I go to sleep.  Back to the drawing board.

And then it happened.  I got in my car...I drove...I parked...and I cried my ass off!!!  S!%#T! Damn!
F&*%K! I couldn't move.  And it didn't help that I was listening to a freaking depressing song called MISSING by Evanescence. Yes, that's right...surprise! I love Evanesnence. BUT feeling the way I was, it was a wrong move to press repeat on that song. But at some point in our lives, aren't we all guilty of that?  Playing a song over and over again because it expresses what we cannot at the moment?  Here is an excerpt :

You won't cry for my absence, I know -

You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?


Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

...Please, please forgive me,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

I think I stayed there in the car for a good, I mean for a bad 20 minutes.  It's been a rough week.  Once again my week became about taking care of others. I DON'T regret it at all, but I think I am having my own problems right now, and need to pay more attention to them.  Sometimes I go somewhere with the idea that it will be a restful time, and it turns into Judy's Taxi Service or Judy's Office of Psychotherapy, and even sometimes Judy's bank.  Sometimes it leaves me depleted...and I guess that's how I feel  - depleted.  My friend's mother died too.  Going to my 5th wake in less than 6 months - depressing.  And of course it makes me think of my own mother...and the terror of being faced with having to go on without her.   And Mom's been okay, but not great...everytime I see her, I wonder...is she really okay, or is she just saying that?  And then I received news today warning me that a man who stalked me years ago, and made my life a living hell, was released from prison. I'm not afraid. Not at all. BUT...I cannot lie...it just put me right back to that time in my life...and it's not something I go around desiring to remember.

So, I don't know.  Perhaps the crying came out because I've tried to be so strong, while others leaned on me, but in truth, I need to lean this time.  I need a good hug.  Hugs you can get by the dozen, but let's be very honest:  very few people give the kind of hug that heals. LOL.  This is a time when I feel so profoundly alone..although I am not..that is the way it seems. And that is when I most wish I could call someone at 1 in the morning, and say, "Can you come over? I don't want to be alone..."  Once again, I am not looking for sympathy, but i figured if I wrote about it, I may stop crying.  Let me check...Nope. It's not working, lol....

So tomorrow I will begin writing the song again. Today I feel defeated but tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow I may find a better melody and find the perfect words. How I handle this song is a direct reflection for how I handle life.  So, today sucked but tomorrow will be better.  I don't know if I believe that, lol, but it's better to fake it before I make it.  I just have to look at this song as a unique challenge, and believe that the answer will be inspired...it has to be GREAT - not just because I need a new hit record, but because I care about the person I'm writing it for.