LESSONS LEARNED/BEATSTOCK JONES BEACH (Part 1 of 2)

Sunday, August 8, 2010:  BEATSTOCK Jones Beach, Long Island, NY

I woke up with achy feet, splitting headache and I was relieved to know I had not gone out to any after parties...I might have collapsed, lol.  But I also woke up with a relieved heart because I woke up with closure.  For so long I'd wondered how Navy Guy felt for me, and the night before I was tempted to ask him.  But the real answers revealed themselves in his actions...and I woke up feeling clear about it all. There is a song by Carrie Underwood called Lessons Learned...and it sums up what I feel about life itself...

"For every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
For everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night
For every change life has shown me
I'm thankful for every break in my heart
I'm grateful for every scar
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned
But they were lessons learned."

In the spirit of that song...here's what meeting Navy Guy has taught me:
It's okay to be spontaneous sometimes...it's okay to take chances
It's okay to kiss a stranger and exhange curious glances.
It's fine to let your guard down and it's good to share laughter
It's fine to see what's out there, if it's real love you're after...
It's good to feel wanted- wonderful to feel desired,
But it's not worth getting burned...if you never touched the fire.
Okay, poetry aside...here it is.

It was a lot of fun, but I need more.
I am ready for real love in my life and I'm tired of meeting men who won't give me 100%.
I no longer want to be with someone with whose feelings I am always guessing.
I want to KNOW he wants me, that he loves me...
I don't want to be left wondering. I don't want to guess.
I deserve to have someone in my life who WANTS to be with me, and who is PROUD to take pics with me, and I also NO LONGER  want to share the "perks" of my life with anyone unless I know they're in for the long haul with me.  It simply leaves me feeling used...it leaves me wondering if they really cared...did they only like me because I'm Judy Torres? Did they really like me, just Judy?
This is it...Get to know me, love me or leave me ALONE!!!  LOL.

I'm glad I met him because it opened my eyes in a way. I think our relationship was a good and fun one at first.  It felt good to feel wanted by someone, to get someone's attention...but after a year...a YEAR!!  I shouldn't have to wonder why he won't hold my hand or give me a complment...truth is I need much more than that. I am looking for love...i am looking for a relationship!  I am looking for the ONE!!  And honestly it was my fault for expecting more from him.  To his credit, when he first met me, he did say, "You don't wanna get involved with a guy like me."  There...the disclaimer was right there,but like many women, I didn't heed the warning, thinking he'll be different with me.  Duh.  As they say in show business, "The show must go on!"

It was a VERY hot day. I had an appearance at the plaza at Jones Beach for QLIMG BEFORE the show from 3:00-5:30!  It involved a lot of speaking, and speaking over LOUD music.  I was concerned whether or not my voice would  make it through the day. It was already tired from the night before...and to do it all over again.  Wasn't sure if I'd hold up.  I did have a great time taking pictures with fans, giving away backstage passes so they could meet and greet with Taio Cruz, Enrique Iglesias and Pitbull. When I was done, I immediately had to go backstage and change into my outfit. It was so humid!  Ugh...I was glad I'd left my hair curly...no frizz to worry about.      

I thought about the day before...I met Charice. I said hello to Chris Willis..I love him!  LOL...I got the thumbs up from Naughty by Nature, I laughed with Lisa Lisa, hung with George Lamond and TKA, who have admittedly become big brothers to me.  I also was in awe of Pitbull.  I'd seen him sing last year and he literally blew me away! He was wonderful onstage and off...just a class act of a man!  There was almost a 20 minute wait for Pitbull to go on, and I'd never heard a large crowd be so quiet and patient in all of my life!!  When he walked on stage, he was worth the wait!!  There was a comment backstage. I overheard someone say, "He doesn't seem to have rhythm when he dances."  Shut thy mouth, sir!  Ugh!  Oh, I cannot stand haters!! LOL...I see Pitbull as having FANTASTIC sense of who he is...he has got GREAT stage presence, and he has confidence...and THAT, my friends, is SEXY!! LOL...

It was almost time to go on...I had a sudden thought. I was on my own today...no guests with me in the limo, no road manager, no friends hanging out with me.  I was happy that I'd kept myself great company all day and hadn't really noticed it at all.  And before I noticed it, I was on the side of the stage, watching Shontelle sing Impossible and wondered, "How the hell do I follow this act???"   She was great!  She was beautiful and she had a #1 hit that we are hearing on the radio every single hour!!" Hm...here goes nothing!!
  
Walked onto the stage with the sun striking me right smack in the face, and it was a repeat reception...it was GREAT!!  The crowd applauded, cheered, screamed, and it is just love. I don't know how to explain it to you, but it is a feeling of sheer unadulterated and unconditional love...and I would trade places with you just for one night so you can feel that...Once you feel that - you cannot disappoint!  You must deliver a GREAT show...and I thinnk I did very well, lol. 

Got off stage, sweaty...but didn't want to leave...I wanted to see TKA/K7 perform.  Besides the fact that we are friends...I am also a HUGE fan of theirs. I am amazed how throughtout the years, they TRULY entertain and the quality of their show is incomparable to their own peers.  Kayel of TKA gives his all - dancing, singing...he emits strength, masculinity and truth...and I just adore him!!  As I watched George Lamond came over to me, smiling...and I asked him, "Do you ever have a surreal moment while you're on stage...you know, like an out of body experience?"  He nodded in agreement, and we both continued to watch.  At the end of the show, it was a magical moment...they really had the audience eating out of their hands...there was solidarity in the crowd, something that indicates you've really given a kick-ass show...they asked the crowd to pose for a picture for Facebook, and it was a GREAT moment! I was SO SO proud of them!  And I thought, "Wow....25 years now, and we're still out here...we're still doing it!!!"  I know one day it may be over, and that day may come sooner than later, but damn, it's a great feeling to appreciate the moment NOW!!!

I got into the limo, at first satisfied with the weekend, satisfied with how I handled the disappointment...satisfied that my voice survived it all.  And then...
And then...
And then, well...
I was alone again.  I wasn't just alone...I was acutely lonely. Damn, I hate this. I just performed for litereally thousands of people, I spoke to tens of people throughout the day, talked with my comrades of freestyle...but then went home alone again....long ride home.  Alone. 
And then I did something...I should probably not have...