http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrTO9yAfRNU
It's the evening before the Stay Video Release Party, and I'm sitting here with true butterflies in my stomach. I attempted to sleep about 20 minutes ago because I'm a nervous wreck. I was in a GREAT mood yesterday. The more the production crew and I spoke about the party at Pearl in NYC, the more happy I felt. It is very empowering when you get to see the results of something that began as a simple idea that popped into your head. The director for the video of Stay, David Miskin, just called me one day and said, "We're GONNA do a video for Stay." My next thought was, "How? With what funds? And yes, I know you all think I'm a gazzilionaire, but what most ofyou don't know is how much money you actually have to spend on a day to day basis just to stay in the business. 20% goes to your manager; 15% goes to your booking agent; 10% goes to your road manager: and I always tip the limo driver- and I tip them well so when I need a favor, they remember my kindness and return the same!! LOL. Then there's your outfits...and thanks to youtube, you have to be careful about repeating outfits....bottom line - it's expensive!!! So for a video, we're talking major bucks!!! You need a director, producer, director of photography, grips, script advisors, wardrobe hair, makeup, studio, you have to feed the crew, etc...
But LOVE, my friends, is always the answer. I have to admit, many people either did this out of the kindness of their hearts, or they did it for far less than I know they deserve. And that's when I feel it. The love. The idea that the producer posted much of the funding and he didn't even really know me well; but he believes in me. It just touches my heart beyond words...and I am deeply humbled! They all did, they all believed in me....and I felt their love the second we all went on the set. And we did it on a VERY low budget. So here we are. We filmed at the end of August, and tomorrow we show the video for the first time!! It began with an idea and a month later, it has been filmed, edited re-edited, and it is now a reality!!
So yesterday I was having a great day until...
I had a conference call with my manager, and the whole weight thing came up again. Although he wasn't at all trying to be mean; he wasn't degrading me as other managers have done in the past, but it hurts when someone says, "When people see this video, all they will see is the weight....how much weight have you gained anyway?" It hurts. I don't care how gentle one is about approaching the subject, it hurts. It hurts because you wake up in the morning and YOU see what's going on...the mirror is screaming the word FATSO to you! I hung up the phone and I CRIED MY ASS OFF!! And then I cried some more...and then I felt a huge sense of panic. I had to do something...I was frantic...I couldn't breathe. I think I had my first panic attack. I remembered what my mom said to me last time I was crying about being told I have to lose weight. She said, "Aye, Judy, please. Why do men try to tell us how to look all the time? What have you been doing for the last 20 something years? Have you been entertaining? The people accept you, they love you, so what's everyone else's problem? Please, next time tell him to get off your back." But sometimes when it's very quiet in my home and I'm reflecting, I'm secretly wondering if I haven't made it big because of my obesity...
I called him back.
"We have to talk because I just spent the last ten minutes crying."
"Oh, no, don't do that..."
"Well, you can't tell me that because that's what happened. I just wanna tell you that I appreciate your honesty, and I know you are only telling me what the industry people will think, but honestly, your timing SUCKS!! I was all excited about this video and the party, and you tell me that all people will see is my weight?"
"Judy, no. You're wrong...that's not what I'm saying...the young people who buy these songs equate weight with being old. I don't want people saying you're old...I don't care if you lose the weight or not. I think you're a beautiful woman..."
"Yea, I know, I'm beautiful BUT! There's always a BUT...But you'd be prettier if you lost weight...I've heard that all my life."
And then it got bad. I went into that cry where you hyperventilate..ank you can't talk because you're trying to breathe. I HATE when I do that...I come across so freaking weak, but I do show my feelings, and I could not have felt lower. I'm even crying right now while I write this, because the whole subject, well, leaves me feeling as low as I can feel.
"Judy, I didn't say you're beautiful but...anything. I was trying to say you're a beautiful woman! I believe in you - I'm not going anywhere and I wont be disappointed if you don't lose the weight. I just think it's a shame that you worked so hard to lose weight and it's coming back on...I want to see you make it, and I don't want your weight to hold you back."
"Well, how did Queen Latifah do it all these years then!" I argued
"She LOST the weight!"
"Yea - NOW she did. But how did she do it all those years ago?"
Back and forth we went like a very tense and exciting tennis match. We hung up, and I felt better. I felt proud that I had the guts to call him back and tell him I was hurt. I felt better that he said he believes in me now matter what I weigh. And, as much as it hurts, I am thankful, that he's honest to my face. We ended the conversation with him reassuring me he cares, he loves working with me and he believes in me but he wanted me to know what others will think, feel and say.
So, I have the dress. I have the shoes, the jewelry...I have friends. I have love, I have family...and I have fans that love every single freaking love handle I own...I know they look at me, and I know they see the weight, but you know what? I believe in myself enough to show up tomorrow weighing whatever I weigh!! I believe in myself enough to say, "yes, I did it for the fat chicks!!" "Soy golda pero soy buena!" ( I am fat but I am good!) and I believe in myself enough to say, "God knows who I am. He knows my heart...and although not perfect, I work hard to love people no matter what, and I want the people to give me the same." Whatever happens tomorrow night among my peers and the music industry guests, I DID MY VERY BEST work in this video! And I am thankful to the ENTIRE crew for believing in this chunky but funky J-To!!!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Promo Only in Atlantic City- Part 3 of 3
Tuesday, August 17, 2010 Evening:
It was time to get ready. I felt the tears creeping up, but I just couldn't think about that. Oh, yea, and I was still worried about my car too. But there was an important show to be done at House of Blues. I'd be ont he same bill with Mike Posner, Kelly Rowland, Kaci Battaglia, Salt N Pepa and many more!
I outdid myself as best as I could. I took my time applying my makeup, doing my hair, putting on whatever I needed to suck it in, pull it up and stick it all out, lol. Almost two hours later, I looked in the mirror. I felt good. I looked good - and the stranger (woman) in the elevator told me so, LOL. I stepped out of the elevator and was escorted by my road manager to the VIP entrance. There were cameras set up, kraft service. I went to my dressing room that I was sharing with Chris Willis and Kaci. I watched Kaci and her four dancers...just incredible looking girls with GREAT figures. Ugh. And just like that, in one instant, I felt like the ugly duckling. For every negative and insecure thought I had, I reminded myself that I am Judy Torres. The Puerto-Rican Cuban Wonder Woman who's been in this game for almost a quarter of a century! It was hard. I won't lie. I was having an ugly moment. I'm sure we all have that moment when we just feel ugly, less than...whatever. I saw Joey Fattone of Nsync. He said hello to me! He is a cool guy - REALLY!
So I'm backstage now with butterflies in my stomach. Saw Joey Fattone, Blake Lewis, Chris Willis Travie McCoy - all of them backstage. These industry gatherings, although a lot of fun, can be stressful for me. An audience full of industry peers are quite different than the audience full of true fans. They can be...well, quiet. I was scared. I watched at least 3 other acts before me - all half-naked, doing splits; just very beautiful looking people. The Insecurity Monster was laughing at me. Who do you think you are, Judy? I had a flashback of the day my manager addressed my weight. His voice, commenting on my weight echoed in my brain: "What are we going to do...finger circling around me...about this?" I was worried about my voice, but I just felt blah about myself. I wanted to do good but I secretly wondered what they were REALLY thinking about me. Just before I went on stage, my manager walked up to me.
"You okay?"
"Yeah!"
"Sure?"
"Yep."
How do I tell my manager I'm feeling insecure. I watched my manager talking with Kaci, and I admit, um, how do I say it...okay okay! I admit I was a little jealous of the attention she was getting. I felt like the "has-been" compared to her. She's 24 years old, and I wished I had a manager like the one I have now when I was 24, lol. But I know God don't like ugly, so I keep my jealousy in check, and realize it's just that I'm scared of the future of my own career. Wait. That's it! I'm scared of what the hell is going to happen to me...I'm wondering if it's ending right in front of my eyes, and I'm not even noticing it. It's like sand. I'm trying to grab it, but grain by grain it slips from my fingers and the tighter I hold on, the more sand falls. So yes. That is is. I have found the words. I am afraid of my career ending. My manager interrupts my epiphany.
"Judy just go out there and have fun. Just have fun." That was weird - he never said that to me before.
Bartel of WKTU introduced me. It was a perfect introduction. "...I have the privilege of knowing her and working with her at KTU...Judy Torres!" I walked out & did my best to have fun. It was like every half second I almost had a moment of doubt. I was fighting myself. I couldn't really hear my music at all. Damn. But I sang my heart out. When I introduced my new single, Stay, I told the story of why I recorded it and I told the industry that I hope they'll give the song a chance. And that is when I let go of my fear. I think it went over well. I ended with Faithfully, and the crowd was with me...finally. As I was exiting the stage, Cary Vance from Promo Only announced that I am the first recipient of the Legends Award...they were recognizing me for mycontributions to the music industry for the past 25 years. It was a Freestyle Legend Award. I was so surprised...and so scared. I was ECSTATIC to receive the award among my music industry peers! But I can't explain it, I was scared. It is the beginning of the end?
As I walked off, everyone congratulated me, and my manager gave me a look, and I knew instantly he knew about it before it was even handed to me. I did some press, took hundreds of pictures! Joey Fattone congratulated me, one of the singers from Boyz to Men congratulated me too. About two hours later, the chaos was finally over, and I had an apple martini. I dont drink often and when I do, I have one or two drinks...that's it. It was a good apple martini...so I had another. A few minutes later, I was offered a shot of Tequila. I accepted..but the shot was more like 2! LOL. Few minutes later, everything was just funny. I put on my chancletas (slippers) and laughed my butt off! I had to go to the bathroom. I looked at that entrance door that was about 20 feet away from me. And I questioned myself. Can I make it in a straight line? Will I actually make it to the bathroom? I walked, I mean stumbled a bit over to the bathroom, walked in the stall, closed the door and laughed so hard! Yes! I was officially D-R-U-N-K! Not my prettiest hour, I assure you, but I was protected by my road manager who wasn't drinking at all and it was the end of the night anyway - everyone had left. It was only the third time in my life I'd been drunk. I KNOW you don't believe me, but true...until this evening, I'd only been drunk twice in my life; once on purpose and the other by accident. I've never been drunk to the point where I hugged the toilet bowl declaring I'd never drink again. For me, this is where it got a bit scary: I don't remember how I got to my room!! But I do remember laughing in my bed and I looked over and saw there was no one next to me, and I laughed some more...when sober, I usually cry at that moment. But who is this strange woman laughing? Oh, yea, that's right...it's me.
The morning after:
"BAM, BAM, BAM!!" What the hell is that? "BAM, BAM, BAM!!" Oh, yes, it was my head!!
I woke up at 9am...had gone to bed about 4am. The headache woke up me up...It yelled, "Get up!!! NOW!" Ooh, that hurt. I went to the bathroom. Raccoon eyes. Hair stuck to one side of my head. One earring on...no wonder I'm still single! I wouldn't marry that vision either, lol. But wait...there's more. I'm gonna tell you because it's a blog..and I am sworn to the truth here...please don't think any less of me, lol...where was my top? Where are my shoes? I looked all around to find them, suddenly scared. Did I DO something that I should not have done? Oh, my God!! I had heard tales before, but I never believed them until this very moment. It's true. For the life of me, I don't remember taking my clothes off...AAAHHH!! George Carlin, the late and great comedian, has a whole skit about an imaginary place where things go when you lose them...I wondered for a second if such a place existed because I CAN'T FIND MY TOP!! I began throwing things everywhere...did I do a strip tease for myself? Where is my Top!! Oh, come on now! I admitted defeat, and decided a shower would help me wake up to find it. I swished the shower curtain open..and there it was: my shoes and top...on the bathtub floor. Whew! That was close! And thus, my friends, I shall NEVER drink like that again!!
One could argue that I was stressed...I had a car accident the night before, then my beloved kitten died, and I was questioning myself and the future of my career. One could argue that I was in a state of mild panic, sadness and needed comfort. Anyone could get drunk right? Well, not Judy Torres...I simply am very responsible. In fact, my freestyle artist friends all make fun of me that I'm the prude of the group. but I did it...I got drunk. And you now know the truth about me:
Sometimes
I am insecure
Sometimes
I am scared and here's the deep part:
I
Am
SO
HUMAN!
I live in an industry that helps people fantasize. For a while, as an artist your job is take the stress away from people, to help them believe in dreams, in the perfection of beauty. In this industry, perfection is expected. While you are on stage, you are not allowed to be sick; you are unable to bring your problems to the stage; you have to leave your worries behind...and I LOVE doing that for the people because it makes me feel good to know I help others feel good. But sometimes, well this night, I could not keep up. I tripped on my own fear, stumbled over a car accident, slipped on missing my little kitten and fell on a big pile of insecurity poop. But a person's character is not defined by how many times one falls, it is defined by how many times they get up. I'm up...I'm standing...I am still here!!
It was time to get ready. I felt the tears creeping up, but I just couldn't think about that. Oh, yea, and I was still worried about my car too. But there was an important show to be done at House of Blues. I'd be ont he same bill with Mike Posner, Kelly Rowland, Kaci Battaglia, Salt N Pepa and many more!
I outdid myself as best as I could. I took my time applying my makeup, doing my hair, putting on whatever I needed to suck it in, pull it up and stick it all out, lol. Almost two hours later, I looked in the mirror. I felt good. I looked good - and the stranger (woman) in the elevator told me so, LOL. I stepped out of the elevator and was escorted by my road manager to the VIP entrance. There were cameras set up, kraft service. I went to my dressing room that I was sharing with Chris Willis and Kaci. I watched Kaci and her four dancers...just incredible looking girls with GREAT figures. Ugh. And just like that, in one instant, I felt like the ugly duckling. For every negative and insecure thought I had, I reminded myself that I am Judy Torres. The Puerto-Rican Cuban Wonder Woman who's been in this game for almost a quarter of a century! It was hard. I won't lie. I was having an ugly moment. I'm sure we all have that moment when we just feel ugly, less than...whatever. I saw Joey Fattone of Nsync. He said hello to me! He is a cool guy - REALLY!
So I'm backstage now with butterflies in my stomach. Saw Joey Fattone, Blake Lewis, Chris Willis Travie McCoy - all of them backstage. These industry gatherings, although a lot of fun, can be stressful for me. An audience full of industry peers are quite different than the audience full of true fans. They can be...well, quiet. I was scared. I watched at least 3 other acts before me - all half-naked, doing splits; just very beautiful looking people. The Insecurity Monster was laughing at me. Who do you think you are, Judy? I had a flashback of the day my manager addressed my weight. His voice, commenting on my weight echoed in my brain: "What are we going to do...finger circling around me...about this?" I was worried about my voice, but I just felt blah about myself. I wanted to do good but I secretly wondered what they were REALLY thinking about me. Just before I went on stage, my manager walked up to me.
"You okay?"
"Yeah!"
"Sure?"
"Yep."
How do I tell my manager I'm feeling insecure. I watched my manager talking with Kaci, and I admit, um, how do I say it...okay okay! I admit I was a little jealous of the attention she was getting. I felt like the "has-been" compared to her. She's 24 years old, and I wished I had a manager like the one I have now when I was 24, lol. But I know God don't like ugly, so I keep my jealousy in check, and realize it's just that I'm scared of the future of my own career. Wait. That's it! I'm scared of what the hell is going to happen to me...I'm wondering if it's ending right in front of my eyes, and I'm not even noticing it. It's like sand. I'm trying to grab it, but grain by grain it slips from my fingers and the tighter I hold on, the more sand falls. So yes. That is is. I have found the words. I am afraid of my career ending. My manager interrupts my epiphany.
"Judy just go out there and have fun. Just have fun." That was weird - he never said that to me before.
Bartel of WKTU introduced me. It was a perfect introduction. "...I have the privilege of knowing her and working with her at KTU...Judy Torres!" I walked out & did my best to have fun. It was like every half second I almost had a moment of doubt. I was fighting myself. I couldn't really hear my music at all. Damn. But I sang my heart out. When I introduced my new single, Stay, I told the story of why I recorded it and I told the industry that I hope they'll give the song a chance. And that is when I let go of my fear. I think it went over well. I ended with Faithfully, and the crowd was with me...finally. As I was exiting the stage, Cary Vance from Promo Only announced that I am the first recipient of the Legends Award...they were recognizing me for mycontributions to the music industry for the past 25 years. It was a Freestyle Legend Award. I was so surprised...and so scared. I was ECSTATIC to receive the award among my music industry peers! But I can't explain it, I was scared. It is the beginning of the end?
As I walked off, everyone congratulated me, and my manager gave me a look, and I knew instantly he knew about it before it was even handed to me. I did some press, took hundreds of pictures! Joey Fattone congratulated me, one of the singers from Boyz to Men congratulated me too. About two hours later, the chaos was finally over, and I had an apple martini. I dont drink often and when I do, I have one or two drinks...that's it. It was a good apple martini...so I had another. A few minutes later, I was offered a shot of Tequila. I accepted..but the shot was more like 2! LOL. Few minutes later, everything was just funny. I put on my chancletas (slippers) and laughed my butt off! I had to go to the bathroom. I looked at that entrance door that was about 20 feet away from me. And I questioned myself. Can I make it in a straight line? Will I actually make it to the bathroom? I walked, I mean stumbled a bit over to the bathroom, walked in the stall, closed the door and laughed so hard! Yes! I was officially D-R-U-N-K! Not my prettiest hour, I assure you, but I was protected by my road manager who wasn't drinking at all and it was the end of the night anyway - everyone had left. It was only the third time in my life I'd been drunk. I KNOW you don't believe me, but true...until this evening, I'd only been drunk twice in my life; once on purpose and the other by accident. I've never been drunk to the point where I hugged the toilet bowl declaring I'd never drink again. For me, this is where it got a bit scary: I don't remember how I got to my room!! But I do remember laughing in my bed and I looked over and saw there was no one next to me, and I laughed some more...when sober, I usually cry at that moment. But who is this strange woman laughing? Oh, yea, that's right...it's me.
The morning after:
"BAM, BAM, BAM!!" What the hell is that? "BAM, BAM, BAM!!" Oh, yes, it was my head!!
I woke up at 9am...had gone to bed about 4am. The headache woke up me up...It yelled, "Get up!!! NOW!" Ooh, that hurt. I went to the bathroom. Raccoon eyes. Hair stuck to one side of my head. One earring on...no wonder I'm still single! I wouldn't marry that vision either, lol. But wait...there's more. I'm gonna tell you because it's a blog..and I am sworn to the truth here...please don't think any less of me, lol...where was my top? Where are my shoes? I looked all around to find them, suddenly scared. Did I DO something that I should not have done? Oh, my God!! I had heard tales before, but I never believed them until this very moment. It's true. For the life of me, I don't remember taking my clothes off...AAAHHH!! George Carlin, the late and great comedian, has a whole skit about an imaginary place where things go when you lose them...I wondered for a second if such a place existed because I CAN'T FIND MY TOP!! I began throwing things everywhere...did I do a strip tease for myself? Where is my Top!! Oh, come on now! I admitted defeat, and decided a shower would help me wake up to find it. I swished the shower curtain open..and there it was: my shoes and top...on the bathtub floor. Whew! That was close! And thus, my friends, I shall NEVER drink like that again!!
One could argue that I was stressed...I had a car accident the night before, then my beloved kitten died, and I was questioning myself and the future of my career. One could argue that I was in a state of mild panic, sadness and needed comfort. Anyone could get drunk right? Well, not Judy Torres...I simply am very responsible. In fact, my freestyle artist friends all make fun of me that I'm the prude of the group. but I did it...I got drunk. And you now know the truth about me:
Sometimes
I am insecure
Sometimes
I am scared and here's the deep part:
I
Am
SO
HUMAN!
I live in an industry that helps people fantasize. For a while, as an artist your job is take the stress away from people, to help them believe in dreams, in the perfection of beauty. In this industry, perfection is expected. While you are on stage, you are not allowed to be sick; you are unable to bring your problems to the stage; you have to leave your worries behind...and I LOVE doing that for the people because it makes me feel good to know I help others feel good. But sometimes, well this night, I could not keep up. I tripped on my own fear, stumbled over a car accident, slipped on missing my little kitten and fell on a big pile of insecurity poop. But a person's character is not defined by how many times one falls, it is defined by how many times they get up. I'm up...I'm standing...I am still here!!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Promo Only in Atlantic City - Part 2 of 3
Kim Sozzi & MeI woke up with my feet KILLING me! And for those of you wondering, yes, I've seen a podiatrist about the pain. It seems that I've worn away the natural padding in the soles of the feet responsible for absorbing shock. Apparently, it's from all the years of wearing heels for too long for too many days. Either way, they were KILLING me! I thought about just resting for the day because I was scheduled to perform that evening. Ah, yes, I'll take a long, hot bath and order room service..watch the View! Yea, that's it! I began to fill the tub, when I received a text.
"Hey, Judy, you still wanna have breakfast?"
Darn. I had forgotten I invited Kim Sozzi and her friend, Michelle, to breakfast the night before.
"How 'bout we get together in about 45 minutes?"
So much for the bubbles! And just like that, I was showering and dressing for breakfast.
Kim and Michelle are BEAUTIFUL women..they're also size 2 and 0 most likely. I wondered to myself. What to skinny women really eat for breakfast? I promised myself at that moment that whatever the girls ordered, so would I? I thought perhaps they have a secret. What did they order? Kim ordered a cheese omelet furnished with home fries, french toast, juice and coffee. Michelle ordered a Grand Breakfast: 2 eggs, 3 links of sausage, 3 strips of bacon, coffee, juice, AND 2 buttermilk pancakes! Um, Hello!!!
"Yes, sir, I'll have what she's having!"
Half hour later, we were talking about family and the music business...I looked at their plates. I couldn't finish my pancakes or bacon...was just too full? I looked at their plates...GONE! LOL. Oh, well, there goes that theory.
Afternoon:
I was sitting at one of many panel discussions throughout the day at the convention. Lucas Prata, a recording artist, asked the program directors on the panel why it is harder for recording artists on independent labels, such as Kim Sozzi and me, to get their songs on the radio than for major label recording artists. I thought that was a GREAT question. In all honesty, my perception of that has been very true. I've wondered sometimes if I had been signed to a major label, would I be climbing such an uphill battle. I mean when I look at songs on the radio and see the artists, they are almost ALWAYS on a major label. One of the program directors responded, "I don't care what label an aritst is on. A hit is a hit. I want to play a hit at the end of the day. " I thought that was a good and truthful response, however, I confess, not my experience. But I think people, the listeners, the fans, are the most powerful weapon. Many years ago, my label had told me that they would release no more songs from my album. But there was this one deejay named Little Louie Vega, who played Love You Will You Love Me at a club called 1018 in NYC, and the PEOPLE called the radio stations and requested it so much that the station called my record label. Two weeks later, my label called me for an emergency photo shoot because the song would be released in two weeks. That song was a strong hit for me!! And just as I was relishing the nostalgic feeling, I received a text.
"Judy, bad news. I woke up this morning, and Frenchie wasn't moving."
My heart stopped. Nah, I'm sure she's just sick or something. The panel discussion was a really important one. One of my bosses from KTU was on the panel. I couldn't just walk out. I tried to stay, but I COULD NOT! I walked out and called July, my friend who'd taken in Sedona and Frenchie. Frenchie died. Just a year old. She had a hard life. She was in a shelter for the first 5 months of her life. She'd been officially adopted by a person who signed all the papers but never came back for her. I picked her. I'd chosen her for me. She LOVED her belly rubbed; never met a more affectionate kitten in my life. She had an infection while I had her, and then she'd swallowed something sharp and tore her throat up. I nursed her back to health and $2000 later, she was better. Today, she died with no explanation. My only comfort was knowing that July wanted Frenchie and Sedona so bad, and he'd given them a loving home. I walked back into the panel room, and quickly was forced to wipe my tears. I'll have to cry about it later. I had to prepare for a show that evening.
Love you, Frenchie!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Promo Only in Atlantic City: Schmoozing,Singing, Doubting, Drinking? Part 1 of 3
Promo Only Summer Session Mon. Aug 16th - Wed. Aug. 18th, 2010 - a music conference where radio program directors, deejays and artists from all over the nation come to discuss the music industry. It is a conference where one can attend panel discussions on several topics in the music industry, network with one another and in the evenings party and see new and upcoming artists, or seasoned ones, perform.
Monday, August 16th:
The ache in my neck woke me up that morning, so no alarm clock needed. I arrived at 10:30 a.m. after renting a car because I was carless from the accident the evening before. At the check in desk I was told to come back to check in after 12:30 p.m. In my mind, I said, "Oh, no you didn''t just say that? Oh, HELL NO! I ain't waitin' no 2 HOURS to check in..." Out of my mouth: "I'm sorry, don't want to be rude, but I was supposed to check in last night, and I called to inform the hotel I'd be checking in this morning...I was in a car accident..." And I said it all with a smile. It's not that I was being fake, but when you need something in life, you're sure not going to get it by "getting ghetto" on anyone, lol.
7:00pm. Cocktail Party
I arrived to the Foundation Room within House of Blues. DJ Riddler was spinning. The room had major Indian decor and influence, with rich colors and little rooms within the room, all furnished with plush pillows and dim lighting..very very chic! It was an evening of mingling, business card exchanging, picture taking, radio interviewing and a bit of eating and drinking too. I refrained from alcohol because I'd be singing the following evening - I wanted my voice to do well and alcohol dries the vocal chords and the loud music was already a vocal hazard. Sirius Radio interviewed me, and I did some video interviews for several publications as well. I took pictures with Joey Fatone f & Chris from NSYNC; Joey remembered me, which I thought was very cool of him.
Kim Sozzi really was so cool to me! She basically hung out with me for a good portion of the night, and she was just so extremely supportive! Oh, yes, and Blake Lewis was there, one of the finalists from American Idol...he's most remembered as being a human beat box!
When my manager arrived he became a publicity lion amongst the music media jungle...Chris Willis, Kaci Battaglia and me are all under Big Management. Louder than all the music in the room: "Judy, Kaci, Chris, get over here....take a picture....do this interview NOW, meet this person NOW! Go in the room and do an interview NOW!" I will say this: I had fun! I felt good. I felt wanted and important. LOL. Almost 3 hours later, my feet were killing me...didn't want to admit it...I didn't want to seem like the "old" artist. So I endured the pain, sucked it up, like a real woman warrior would do. During one of my interviews, I noticed the words, legend and long-time, were used a lot. The word legend in the dictionary is defined as "a story coming down from the past; especially : one popularly regarded as historical. Okay, I guess that's a big compliment...like Gladys Knight and Barbara Streisand ae legends! DiMaggio is a legend! But Judy Torres?? Hm....lol. Not putting myself down, but I don't know...the word carries a lot of weight, and I just feel like there is an alternative definition to the word legend: "1 - A person who is popular for some achievement, but only that achievement. 2 - Someone who's received recognition before being said goodbye to in the music industry." Now, I am not meaning to demean myself, but since this is a blog and I'm supposed to be honest, I have to share that part with you. I got to my room and massaged the crap out of my feet. Gonna do it again tomorrow!
Monday, August 16th:
The ache in my neck woke me up that morning, so no alarm clock needed. I arrived at 10:30 a.m. after renting a car because I was carless from the accident the evening before. At the check in desk I was told to come back to check in after 12:30 p.m. In my mind, I said, "Oh, no you didn''t just say that? Oh, HELL NO! I ain't waitin' no 2 HOURS to check in..." Out of my mouth: "I'm sorry, don't want to be rude, but I was supposed to check in last night, and I called to inform the hotel I'd be checking in this morning...I was in a car accident..." And I said it all with a smile. It's not that I was being fake, but when you need something in life, you're sure not going to get it by "getting ghetto" on anyone, lol.
7:00pm. Cocktail Party
I arrived to the Foundation Room within House of Blues. DJ Riddler was spinning. The room had major Indian decor and influence, with rich colors and little rooms within the room, all furnished with plush pillows and dim lighting..very very chic! It was an evening of mingling, business card exchanging, picture taking, radio interviewing and a bit of eating and drinking too. I refrained from alcohol because I'd be singing the following evening - I wanted my voice to do well and alcohol dries the vocal chords and the loud music was already a vocal hazard. Sirius Radio interviewed me, and I did some video interviews for several publications as well. I took pictures with Joey Fatone f & Chris from NSYNC; Joey remembered me, which I thought was very cool of him.
Kim Sozzi really was so cool to me! She basically hung out with me for a good portion of the night, and she was just so extremely supportive! Oh, yes, and Blake Lewis was there, one of the finalists from American Idol...he's most remembered as being a human beat box!
When my manager arrived he became a publicity lion amongst the music media jungle...Chris Willis, Kaci Battaglia and me are all under Big Management. Louder than all the music in the room: "Judy, Kaci, Chris, get over here....take a picture....do this interview NOW, meet this person NOW! Go in the room and do an interview NOW!" I will say this: I had fun! I felt good. I felt wanted and important. LOL. Almost 3 hours later, my feet were killing me...didn't want to admit it...I didn't want to seem like the "old" artist. So I endured the pain, sucked it up, like a real woman warrior would do. During one of my interviews, I noticed the words, legend and long-time, were used a lot. The word legend in the dictionary is defined as "a story coming down from the past; especially : one popularly regarded as historical. Okay, I guess that's a big compliment...like Gladys Knight and Barbara Streisand ae legends! DiMaggio is a legend! But Judy Torres?? Hm....lol. Not putting myself down, but I don't know...the word carries a lot of weight, and I just feel like there is an alternative definition to the word legend: "1 - A person who is popular for some achievement, but only that achievement. 2 - Someone who's received recognition before being said goodbye to in the music industry." Now, I am not meaning to demean myself, but since this is a blog and I'm supposed to be honest, I have to share that part with you. I got to my room and massaged the crap out of my feet. Gonna do it again tomorrow!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Lights, Camera...wait, wait more...no wait one more minute! ACTION Part 2
Lunch was a pretty nice time to chat with one another. Waseem, cast for my video as my boyfriend, was ironically cast to be my husband in Elliot Loves. The ongoing joke was that he went from boyfriend to husband in a matter of weeks! LOL...if only it were that way in real life...but then again, that's just fine. Usually people who marry too soon break up just as fast too. We had a great conversation about religion. I have always found it fascinating to discuss spiritual matters...I am a Christian; he is Muslim. And it doesn't bother me one bit! There are two things we are taught in life to never discuss: politics and religion. I don't have a problem discussing either, and that's because I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I would NEVER force my beliefs onto someone else in the same fashion that I'd hate someone doing that to me. I respect other people's spiritual beliefs, and when I don't understand, I don't accuse them of being crazy - I don't proclaim there is only one right way, I simply choose to respect it, and ask as many questions as I can. And I can tell that, in spite of Waseem being raised to believe differently, he treated me the same way, and we had a very enlightening conversation. And Dalia, who plays Aunt Denise, was so great to me as well, asking me, "Judy, why aren't you on Broadway?" When I explained to her that I didn't have a casting agent and was not a member of the Equity union, she replied, "So! You're Judy Torres! Stick around me, honey, I"ll help you." Everyone was just so good to me!! But I've digressed....
So after lunch we returned to hair and makeup for touch up before we continued on with the dinner scene. It would be a long scene and simulatneously one of the most emotional ones. I was looking forward to it, and I was also nervous about it. In this scene I had three lines...and I was PROUD of those three lines!!! I confess to wishing it was more, but the same way I "paid my dues" in my music career, and did over 150 free shows before even getting paid, I had no problem paying my dues here...Truth is I am BLESSED to even be cast at all!
Javier was applying make up and then...Ouch. Ooh. Damn...What IS that?! Hair and make up were being applied in the backyard to make necessary room for the indoor scenes. But the sun was going down, and we were very close to water...and that could only mean one thing: (insert scary music here with a scream). Dah, dah dah!!! AAAAHHH!!! - MOSQUITOES out having a buffet on me. I was under attack. The owner of the house told us he was growing basil, and we were welcome to rub it on our skin, as it acts as a natural bug repellent. So now I was all done up, looking fabulous with 5 mosquito bites, including one very close to the bottom of my foot, and I was ready to do my thing, lol.
All the actors were ready. We were all on set. The woman who was playing the Abuela (grandmother) had a look on her face that said, "Oh, honey, you think this is taking long? You ain't seen nothing yet!" LOL. She reminds me of that one woman in your family that speaks with her eyes...she need not say one word, but she has that one look that can bring a person to her knees with fear. Marking the lighting to get it just so, was SO time consuming. I don't know how long we waited there, but I can tell you this much: we were all hot, we were all tired, but we were all determined to get it done, and get it done well. Finally, we were all at the dining table, and we took our spots. We ran through the scene a couple of times, and the director warned us that it would be long; there would be many takes, and there would be extra takes in order to get certain actors' expesssions, and to capture certain angles. All in all I can say, I was humbled, and I will NEVER watch a movie in the same way ever again.
"And.....pause....pause...ACTION!
The scene began. It was so much fun watching all of us feed off each others' reactions and body language. For a moment, I had a sort of out of body expience, and I was mesmerized watching Elaine Del Valle (Aunt Carmen) and Elena Goode (Ma) act...the scene is very tense as one sister is basically embarrassing the other, not out of spite, but out of love. Either way it was seriously compelling to watch how honestly their tears hung from the eyes, and it made me remember what filming the Stay video felt like on day two. I looked around the table, and I was just proud to be part of it...and I was freaking HOT!! I was sweating, lol. In the scene, the family is celebrating Abuela's brithday and we all had a piece of cake at the beginning of the scene. All I can say is that we filmed over and over again so many times for so many different reasons, that when we were done, there was barely any cake left on anyone's plate. And then we finally heard "And that's a wrap!!!"" There was applause and then there was relief, and then there was sadness. I was immediately brought back to memories in high school and college on the closing night of a show. We all cried because it was over...the late night rehearsals, the laughter shared with fellow cast members...the hectic schedule. And although it is always promised that you'll all keep in touch, it is exremely rare. So for a moment, I felt sort of what-do-I-do-now-with myself???
As I was leaving I thanked everyone, and got all my stuff together...Gary Terracino, the director, cried, "Good work, Judy..you're a natural." "Thank you!!' I replied...and I have to be honest. Here is where I fail myself: I wondered if he really meant it...not because I thought he was lying to me, but because I wasn't too sure or myself as an actress - I never have been - and it was hard to hear. "Abuela" asked me for a ride into the city and I obliged. It gave me a chance to speak with her...I have no idea how old she is, but I'd guess 50's, perhaps even 60's, but this woman has her act together, honey! She looks great, has a body of a woman in her 30s, and just exudes extreme confidence. I had to pick her brain. I found out she's NEVER married - no children either.I asked her if she ever thought she'd marry, and she said with that look in her eye, lol: "No! Never!" She explained ot me that she is an extremely busy actress and believes it would be unfair to anyone to be involved with her. She told me she, to this day, relishes her independence, and I could see she felt no loss and no regret. Hm, I wondered...will that be me in another 10-20 years?
Before leaving, she encouraged me to get on Broadway. She encouraged me to get my butt out and audition for everything and anything.I think perhaps that will be my next endeavor - hopefully I am not too late. Call time to be on set was 11:15am...I got home at 2:45 am. I had five mosquito bites, my feet ached so bad I almost couldn't walk! And I would gladly do it all over again!!!
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fkck.st%2FdlX9PA&h=163ff
So after lunch we returned to hair and makeup for touch up before we continued on with the dinner scene. It would be a long scene and simulatneously one of the most emotional ones. I was looking forward to it, and I was also nervous about it. In this scene I had three lines...and I was PROUD of those three lines!!! I confess to wishing it was more, but the same way I "paid my dues" in my music career, and did over 150 free shows before even getting paid, I had no problem paying my dues here...Truth is I am BLESSED to even be cast at all!
Javier was applying make up and then...Ouch. Ooh. Damn...What IS that?! Hair and make up were being applied in the backyard to make necessary room for the indoor scenes. But the sun was going down, and we were very close to water...and that could only mean one thing: (insert scary music here with a scream). Dah, dah dah!!! AAAAHHH!!! - MOSQUITOES out having a buffet on me. I was under attack. The owner of the house told us he was growing basil, and we were welcome to rub it on our skin, as it acts as a natural bug repellent. So now I was all done up, looking fabulous with 5 mosquito bites, including one very close to the bottom of my foot, and I was ready to do my thing, lol.
All the actors were ready. We were all on set. The woman who was playing the Abuela (grandmother) had a look on her face that said, "Oh, honey, you think this is taking long? You ain't seen nothing yet!" LOL. She reminds me of that one woman in your family that speaks with her eyes...she need not say one word, but she has that one look that can bring a person to her knees with fear. Marking the lighting to get it just so, was SO time consuming. I don't know how long we waited there, but I can tell you this much: we were all hot, we were all tired, but we were all determined to get it done, and get it done well. Finally, we were all at the dining table, and we took our spots. We ran through the scene a couple of times, and the director warned us that it would be long; there would be many takes, and there would be extra takes in order to get certain actors' expesssions, and to capture certain angles. All in all I can say, I was humbled, and I will NEVER watch a movie in the same way ever again.
"And.....pause....pause...ACTION!
The scene began. It was so much fun watching all of us feed off each others' reactions and body language. For a moment, I had a sort of out of body expience, and I was mesmerized watching Elaine Del Valle (Aunt Carmen) and Elena Goode (Ma) act...the scene is very tense as one sister is basically embarrassing the other, not out of spite, but out of love. Either way it was seriously compelling to watch how honestly their tears hung from the eyes, and it made me remember what filming the Stay video felt like on day two. I looked around the table, and I was just proud to be part of it...and I was freaking HOT!! I was sweating, lol. In the scene, the family is celebrating Abuela's brithday and we all had a piece of cake at the beginning of the scene. All I can say is that we filmed over and over again so many times for so many different reasons, that when we were done, there was barely any cake left on anyone's plate. And then we finally heard "And that's a wrap!!!"" There was applause and then there was relief, and then there was sadness. I was immediately brought back to memories in high school and college on the closing night of a show. We all cried because it was over...the late night rehearsals, the laughter shared with fellow cast members...the hectic schedule. And although it is always promised that you'll all keep in touch, it is exremely rare. So for a moment, I felt sort of what-do-I-do-now-with myself???
As I was leaving I thanked everyone, and got all my stuff together...Gary Terracino, the director, cried, "Good work, Judy..you're a natural." "Thank you!!' I replied...and I have to be honest. Here is where I fail myself: I wondered if he really meant it...not because I thought he was lying to me, but because I wasn't too sure or myself as an actress - I never have been - and it was hard to hear. "Abuela" asked me for a ride into the city and I obliged. It gave me a chance to speak with her...I have no idea how old she is, but I'd guess 50's, perhaps even 60's, but this woman has her act together, honey! She looks great, has a body of a woman in her 30s, and just exudes extreme confidence. I had to pick her brain. I found out she's NEVER married - no children either.I asked her if she ever thought she'd marry, and she said with that look in her eye, lol: "No! Never!" She explained ot me that she is an extremely busy actress and believes it would be unfair to anyone to be involved with her. She told me she, to this day, relishes her independence, and I could see she felt no loss and no regret. Hm, I wondered...will that be me in another 10-20 years?
Before leaving, she encouraged me to get on Broadway. She encouraged me to get my butt out and audition for everything and anything.I think perhaps that will be my next endeavor - hopefully I am not too late. Call time to be on set was 11:15am...I got home at 2:45 am. I had five mosquito bites, my feet ached so bad I almost couldn't walk! And I would gladly do it all over again!!!
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fkck.st%2FdlX9PA&h=163ff
Monday, August 23, 2010
Atlantic City...Crying, Singing, Awards and Drinking? Part 3 or 3
It was time to get ready. I felt the tears creeping up, but I just couldn't think about that. Oh, yea, and I was still worried about my car too. But there was an important show to be done at House of Blues. I'd be ont he same bill with Mike Posner, Kelly Rowland, Kaci Battaglia, Salt N Pepa and many more!
I outdid myself as best as I could. I took my time applying my makeup, doing my hair, putting on whatever I needed to suck it in, pull it up and stick it all out, lol. Almost two hours later, I looked in the mirror. I felt good. I looked good - and the stranger (woman) in the elevator told me so, LOL. I stepped out of the elevator and was escorted by my road manager to the VIP entrance. There were cameras set up, kraft service. I went to my dressing room that I was sharing with Chris Willis and Kaci. I watched Kaci and her four dancers...just incredible looking girls with GREAT figures. Ugh. And just like that, in one instant, I felt like the ugly duckling. For every negative and insecure thought I had, I reminded myself that I am Judy Torres. The Puerto-Rican Cuban Wonder Woman who's been in this game for almost a quarter of a century! It was hard. I won't lie. I was having an ugly moment. I'm sure we all have that moment when we just feel ugly, less than...whatever. I saw Joey Fattone of Nsync. He said hello to me! He is a cool guy - REALLY!
So I'm backstage now with butterflies in my stomach. Saw Joey Fattone, Blake Lewis, Chris Willis Travis McCoy - all of them backstage. These industry gatherings, although a lot of fun, can be stressful for me. An audience full of industry peers are quite different than the audience full of true fans. They can be...well, quiet. I was scared. I watched at least 3 other acts before me - all half-naked, doing splits; just very beautiful looking people. The Insecurity Monster was laughing at me. Who do you think you are, Judy? I had a flashback of the day my manager addressed my weight. His voice, commenting on my weight echoed in my brain: "What are we going to do...finger circling around me...about this?" I was worried about my voice, but I just felt blah about myself. I wanted to do good but I secretly wondered what they were REALLY thinking about me. Just before I went on stage, my manager walked up to me.
"You okay?"
"Yeah!"
"Sure?"
"Yep."
How do I tell my manager I'm feeling insecure. I watched my manager talking with Kaci, and I admit, um, how do I say it...okay okay! I admit I was a little jealous of the attention she was getting. I felt like the "has-been" compared to her. She's 24 years old, and I wished I had a manager like the one I have now when I was 24, lol. But I know God don't like ugly, so I keep my jealousy in check, and realize it's just that I'm scared of the future of my own career. Wait. That's it! I'm scared of what the hell is going to happen to me...I'm wondering if it's ending right in front of my eyes, and I'm not even noticing it. It's like sand. I'm trying to grab it, but grain by grain it slips from my fingers and the tighter I hold on, the more sand falls. So yes. That is is. I have found the words. I am afraid of my career ending. My manager interrupts my epiphany.
"Judy just go out there and have fun. Just have fun." That was weird - he never said that to me before.
Bartel of WKTU introduced me. It was a perfect introduction. "...I have the privilege of knowing her and working with her at KTU...Judy Torres!" I walked out & did my best to have fun. It was like every half second I almost had a moment of doubt. I was fighting myself. I couldn't really hear my music at all. Damn. But I sang my heart out. When I introduced my new single, Stay, I told the story of why I recorded it and I told the industry that I hope they'll give the song a chance. And that is when I let go of my fear. I think it went over well. I ended with Faithfully, and the crowd was with me...finally. As I was exiting the stage, Cary Vance from Promo Only announced that I am the first recipient of the Legends Award...they were recognizing me for mycontributions to the music industry for the past 25 years. It was a Freestyle Legend Award. I was so surprised...and so scared. I was ECSTATIC to receive the award among my music industry peers! But I can't explain it, I was scared. It is the beginning of the end?
As I walked off, everyone congratulated me, and my manager gave me a look, and I knew instantly he knew about it before it was even handed to me. I did some press, took hundreds of pictures! Joey Fattone congratulated me, one of the singers from Boyz to Men congratulated me too. About two hours later, the chaos was finally over, and I had an apple martini. I dont drink often and when I do, I have one or two drinks...that's it. It was a good apple martini...so I had another. A few minutes later, I was offered a shot of Tequila. I accepted..but the shot was more like 2! LOL. Few minutes later, everything was just funny. I put on my chancletas (slippers) and laughed my butt off! I had to go to the bathroom. I looked at that entrance door that was about 20 feet away from me. And I questioned myself. Can I make it in a straight line? Will I actually make it to the bathroom? I walked, I mean stumbled a bit over to the bathroom, walked in the stall, closed the door and laughed so hard! Yes! I was officially D-R-U-N-K! Not my prettiest hour, I assure you, but I was protected by my road manager who wasn't drinking at all and it was the end of the night anyway - everyone had left. It was only the third time in my life I'd been drunk. I KNOW you don't believe me, but true...until this evening, I'd only been drunk twice in my life; once on purpose and the other by accident. I've never been drunk to the point where I hugged the toilet bowl declaring I'd never drink again. For me, this is where it got a bit scary: I don't remember how I got to my room!! But I do remember laughing in my bed and I looked over and saw there was no one next to me, and I laughed some more...when sober, I usually cry at that moment. But who is this strange woman laughing? Oh, yea, that's right...it's me.
The morning after:
"BAM, BAM, BAM!!" What the hell is that? "BAM, BAM, BAM!!" Oh, yes, it was my head!!
I woke up at 9am...had gone to bed about 4am. The headache woke up me up...It yelled, "Get up!!! NOW!" Ooh, that hurt. I went to the bathroom. Raccoon eyes. Hair stuck to one side of my head. One earring on...no wonder I'm still single! I wouldn't marry that vision either, lol. But wait...there's more. I'm gonna tell you because it's a blog..and I am sworn to the truth here...please don't think any less of me, lol...where was my top? Where are my shoes? I looked all around to find them, suddenly scared. Did I DO something that I should not have done? Oh, my God!! I had heard tales before, but I never believed them until this very moment. It's true. For the life of me, I don't remember taking my clothes off...AAAHHH!! George Carlin, the late and great comedian, has a whole skit about an imaginary place where things go when you lose them...I wondered for a second if such a place existed because I CAN'T FIND MY TOP!! I began throwing things everywhere...did I do a strip tease for myself? Where is my Top!! Oh, come on now! I admitted defeat, and decided a shower would help me wake up to find it. I swished the shower curtain open..and there it was: my shoes and top...on the bathtub floor. Whew! That was close! And thus, my friends, I shall NEVER drink like that again!!
One could argue that I was stressed...I had a car accident the night before, then my beloved kitten died, and I was questioning myself and the future of my career. One could argue that I was in a state of mild panic, sadness and needed comfort. Anyone could get drunk right? Well, not Judy Torres...I simply am very responsible. In fact, my freestyle artist friends all make fun of me that I'm the prude of the group. but I did it...I got drunk. And you now know the truth about me:
Sometimes
I am insecure
Sometimes
I am scared and here's the deep part:
I
Am
SO
HUMAN!
I live in an industry that helps people fantasize. For a while, as an artist your job is take the stress away from people, to help them believe in dreams, in the perfection of beauty. In this industry, perfection is expected. While you are on stage, you are not allowed to be sick; you are unable to bring your problems to the stage; you have to leave your worries behind...and I LOVE doing that for the people because it makes me feel good to know I help others feel good. But sometimes, well this night, I could not keep up. I tripped on my own fear, stumbled over a car accident, slipped on missing my little kitten and fell on a big pile of insecurity poop. But a person's character is not defined by how many times one falls, it is defined by how many times they get up. I'm up...I'm standing...I am still here!!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
We interrupt Part 2 for this message: HELP, I'M STUCK ON AN ISLAND & CAN'T GET OUT!
Sunday evening:
Just finished my shift at KTU, and was merrily on my way to Atlantic City for the Promo Only Summer Session/DJ Expo. It is an annual music convention where deejays, radio program directors, and artists from around the country come together to network, discuss the music industry and hobknob with one another. It's also a wonderful opportunity for artists to showcase their songs and their talent to their peers in the industry. And this year was my chance.
So I'm on my way to Atlantic City, but I'm hungry because I hadn't eaten since 2pm. So I stopped at a rest stop: the last rest stop on the NJ Turnpike southbound just before the Garden State Parkway. Just took the food to go, no time to wait - I had a long ride ahead of me - alone. I begin driving, approaching the ramp to resume going on the turnpike, when I noticed that it divided: Cars Only on one side; Trucks and Cars on the other. I DESPISE driving on the "trucks" side...so I was driving in the middle. It was dark. I go to swerve to the left, and BAM!!! Oh, my.....all I know is there was a loud bang, and I jolted, and everything spilled everywhere. What the...???
There I was...smoke on the right side. And my car was stuck. I still could not understand what was going on. My brain was in a state of chaos. I put the car in park.
Oh, MY GOD!!! I had driven onto a median, a small concrete island, just standing there in the middle of the road. I had driven onto it, and I was stuck. I tried to reverse but it was in vain. I was done. Damn. Ugghhh! Why now? Please, God, let the car work? Please, I really need to get to Atlantic City. The whole reason I was trying to get to AC on Sunday night was to avoid all the traffic, and to get a full night's sleep. What the hell do I do now? I'm by myself, in the dark, in the middle of nowhere. Okay I have AAA...I search my wallet. Ugh, I don't have the card with me. I call information. AAA cannot send road assistance to the turnpike or the parkway...well, what do I have AAA for then?! I'm transferred to a towing company that honors AAA and begin trying to describe where I am...I have to wait. What am I going to do? I had a pullman full of clothes for almost a week (I'd have to change twice a day during the convention), my lap top and a bag full of toiletries and hair paraphenelia. How, where, what am I going to do with all this stuff? I just kept thinking that to go back home would surely SUCK!
I called my friend, Brenda, who I have called my "personal assistant," in a past blog to help me. She didn't live too far away.
"Chica, (that's what I call my close girlfriends), um, are you awake?"
"Yea, what's wrong?"
I tell her what's happened. She thought when I said median, she thought I hit the wall.
"Can you come get me? I don't know what to do? I don't want to go back home."
I described where I was, and she told me her husband John would come and pick me up.
And then I saw the light.
I mean the lights...
State Trooper pulls over behind me, and I immediately get out of the car. I was blushing. I HATE when I blush..it's so embarrassing to already be so embarrassed. I tell him what happened, and I felt like an idiot.
"I am SO humiliated! I have NEVER done anything like this in my life!"
He looks at me long and hard, but surprisingly with sympathy.
He walks over ot my car.
"You should shut off the engine. It appears you're leaking oil."
Once I looked down, I realized any hope I'd had for driving to Atlantic City had dwindled to dust.
"You should be careful there...there's lots of oil...you could fall,"
I walked into my car to find a pen. Nothing. I always have a pen in my car, but NOOOO, not today! Further humiliation. I open my trunk and pull out my publicity photos with a silver Sharpie. Hey, it's all I had. I call information to find out my AAA number for the tow truck. As I'm writing, the officer states,"Are you giving me an autograph?" He laughs, I laugh. Hey, something had to break the intense awkwardness I was feeling. He asked me what kind of convention it was. For a moment I fantasized being outrageous and saying something like, "Well, officer it's a sex toys convention...and I have vibrators in my bag and there are women in need..." But of course, I opted for the truth: "I'm a singer, and it's a music convention where people from across the country come to network, etc." He asked me what kind of music...I mentioned freestyle...he asked me if I was on KTU..I said yes. And at that moment, I was humiliated once more. I realized, that even though he didn't ask, he knew I was Judy Torres. Now I'm not Judy Torres, freestyle queen; I'm the idiot that drove over the median, who had no make up on, and had Popeye's chicken strewn all over the car. Eesh!
He asked me if I wanted a report, and because I was so nervous, I declined. It was hard enough to know the whole thing was my fault, let alone, explain it to my insurance company. I admit, people, I wasn't thinking straight. The officer called in the incident, and waited with me until the towing company arrived. I was thankful to him for that, because it was very dark out there, and felt even scarier with the few trailers parked around.
Towing Company man comes out of the truck, looks up and down. Yes, he laughed.
"Wow, you really did a number on this one." He gave me a card and told me he'd take care of the rest. I took my bags out...all 5 million of them, pulled my E-Z pass, and multiple car chargers, and was not looking so cute. LOL. The officer offered to drive me to a closer location, closer to where my friend's husband, John, would be. Some may say that it was his job. But quite frankly, once the tow truck arrived, I don't believe he was obliged to do anything else for me. I think that although it was a bad situation, God brought the right officer to take care of me. Yes, I believe that with all my heart!
The officer put my bags in the trunk, and for the first time in my life, I found myself in the back of a squad car. It was a tight fit. He apologized for me having to sit in the back but those were the rules. I was fine with the rules. I began making all the necessary calls - to my manager, who sarcastically asked me if I was on crack, the hotel, and the man in charge of the event. We pulled up at a Wal-Mart, and John was there waiting with a mild smirk on his face. Can't blame the guy! Okay, okay, I guess it was kind of funny. But not as it was happening! As my bags were transferred into John's car, I asked the officer, if he had a card so I could send him a thank you note.
He politely stated, "No...don't worry about a thing. It's fine."
I felt like I truly owed him. He was kind of a knight in uniform, lol, and he made sure I was safe, and it really relieved a lot of panic in my head.
"What's your name anyway, officer?"
He said nothing.
I looked at his badge, and read it aloud.
"S. Goncalves."
Oh,
My
God...
So freaking ironic!!!
The same last name as my ex-boyfriend, a.k.a., the Lobster!!
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
John laughed, and I was just truly in amazement..it's not exactly an everyday surname. Officer Goncalves looked confused. And so was I.
Just finished my shift at KTU, and was merrily on my way to Atlantic City for the Promo Only Summer Session/DJ Expo. It is an annual music convention where deejays, radio program directors, and artists from around the country come together to network, discuss the music industry and hobknob with one another. It's also a wonderful opportunity for artists to showcase their songs and their talent to their peers in the industry. And this year was my chance.
So I'm on my way to Atlantic City, but I'm hungry because I hadn't eaten since 2pm. So I stopped at a rest stop: the last rest stop on the NJ Turnpike southbound just before the Garden State Parkway. Just took the food to go, no time to wait - I had a long ride ahead of me - alone. I begin driving, approaching the ramp to resume going on the turnpike, when I noticed that it divided: Cars Only on one side; Trucks and Cars on the other. I DESPISE driving on the "trucks" side...so I was driving in the middle. It was dark. I go to swerve to the left, and BAM!!! Oh, my.....all I know is there was a loud bang, and I jolted, and everything spilled everywhere. What the...???
There I was...smoke on the right side. And my car was stuck. I still could not understand what was going on. My brain was in a state of chaos. I put the car in park.
Oh, MY GOD!!! I had driven onto a median, a small concrete island, just standing there in the middle of the road. I had driven onto it, and I was stuck. I tried to reverse but it was in vain. I was done. Damn. Ugghhh! Why now? Please, God, let the car work? Please, I really need to get to Atlantic City. The whole reason I was trying to get to AC on Sunday night was to avoid all the traffic, and to get a full night's sleep. What the hell do I do now? I'm by myself, in the dark, in the middle of nowhere. Okay I have AAA...I search my wallet. Ugh, I don't have the card with me. I call information. AAA cannot send road assistance to the turnpike or the parkway...well, what do I have AAA for then?! I'm transferred to a towing company that honors AAA and begin trying to describe where I am...I have to wait. What am I going to do? I had a pullman full of clothes for almost a week (I'd have to change twice a day during the convention), my lap top and a bag full of toiletries and hair paraphenelia. How, where, what am I going to do with all this stuff? I just kept thinking that to go back home would surely SUCK!
I called my friend, Brenda, who I have called my "personal assistant," in a past blog to help me. She didn't live too far away.
"Chica, (that's what I call my close girlfriends), um, are you awake?"
"Yea, what's wrong?"
I tell her what's happened. She thought when I said median, she thought I hit the wall.
"Can you come get me? I don't know what to do? I don't want to go back home."
I described where I was, and she told me her husband John would come and pick me up.
And then I saw the light.
I mean the lights...
State Trooper pulls over behind me, and I immediately get out of the car. I was blushing. I HATE when I blush..it's so embarrassing to already be so embarrassed. I tell him what happened, and I felt like an idiot.
"I am SO humiliated! I have NEVER done anything like this in my life!"
He looks at me long and hard, but surprisingly with sympathy.
He walks over ot my car.
"You should shut off the engine. It appears you're leaking oil."
Once I looked down, I realized any hope I'd had for driving to Atlantic City had dwindled to dust.
"You should be careful there...there's lots of oil...you could fall,"
I walked into my car to find a pen. Nothing. I always have a pen in my car, but NOOOO, not today! Further humiliation. I open my trunk and pull out my publicity photos with a silver Sharpie. Hey, it's all I had. I call information to find out my AAA number for the tow truck. As I'm writing, the officer states,"Are you giving me an autograph?" He laughs, I laugh. Hey, something had to break the intense awkwardness I was feeling. He asked me what kind of convention it was. For a moment I fantasized being outrageous and saying something like, "Well, officer it's a sex toys convention...and I have vibrators in my bag and there are women in need..." But of course, I opted for the truth: "I'm a singer, and it's a music convention where people from across the country come to network, etc." He asked me what kind of music...I mentioned freestyle...he asked me if I was on KTU..I said yes. And at that moment, I was humiliated once more. I realized, that even though he didn't ask, he knew I was Judy Torres. Now I'm not Judy Torres, freestyle queen; I'm the idiot that drove over the median, who had no make up on, and had Popeye's chicken strewn all over the car. Eesh!
He asked me if I wanted a report, and because I was so nervous, I declined. It was hard enough to know the whole thing was my fault, let alone, explain it to my insurance company. I admit, people, I wasn't thinking straight. The officer called in the incident, and waited with me until the towing company arrived. I was thankful to him for that, because it was very dark out there, and felt even scarier with the few trailers parked around.
Towing Company man comes out of the truck, looks up and down. Yes, he laughed.
"Wow, you really did a number on this one." He gave me a card and told me he'd take care of the rest. I took my bags out...all 5 million of them, pulled my E-Z pass, and multiple car chargers, and was not looking so cute. LOL. The officer offered to drive me to a closer location, closer to where my friend's husband, John, would be. Some may say that it was his job. But quite frankly, once the tow truck arrived, I don't believe he was obliged to do anything else for me. I think that although it was a bad situation, God brought the right officer to take care of me. Yes, I believe that with all my heart!
The officer put my bags in the trunk, and for the first time in my life, I found myself in the back of a squad car. It was a tight fit. He apologized for me having to sit in the back but those were the rules. I was fine with the rules. I began making all the necessary calls - to my manager, who sarcastically asked me if I was on crack, the hotel, and the man in charge of the event. We pulled up at a Wal-Mart, and John was there waiting with a mild smirk on his face. Can't blame the guy! Okay, okay, I guess it was kind of funny. But not as it was happening! As my bags were transferred into John's car, I asked the officer, if he had a card so I could send him a thank you note.
He politely stated, "No...don't worry about a thing. It's fine."
I felt like I truly owed him. He was kind of a knight in uniform, lol, and he made sure I was safe, and it really relieved a lot of panic in my head.
"What's your name anyway, officer?"
He said nothing.
I looked at his badge, and read it aloud.
"S. Goncalves."
Oh,
My
God...
So freaking ironic!!!
The same last name as my ex-boyfriend, a.k.a., the Lobster!!
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
John laughed, and I was just truly in amazement..it's not exactly an everyday surname. Officer Goncalves looked confused. And so was I.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
LIGHTS, CAMERA, wait, wait, wait...wait...ACTION!!! Part 1
Woke up incredibly excited about filming for Elliot Loves today. I'd be playing Aunt Nani. Not the role I had auditioned for, but I was cast and I was excited!! I can finally say, yes, I was in a movie; not just any movie, but a GREAT, award winning one with a great cast! We were shooting in Queens, NY, and I had no idea what to expect, therefore I expected nothing. I had decided early on that I would show up and do whatever it took to do well and to be part of this production.
My call was 11:15am, and I was happy to arrive on time. The first person I met was Elaine Del Valle...she would be playing Aunt Carmen, the role I had originally auditioned for. I could tell immediatedly that she had that "thing" that people look for in a star - a confidence, an aura, a presence...it cannot be explained in words, but you see it, feel it immediately. So I couldn't wait to see how the shoot would go. There was an excitement in the air, and we all possessed a bit of it. More and more of the cast arrived and we all introduced ourselves...it was refreshing! Breakfast was served, and there was a relaxed feeling. There was absolutely NO ego in the room...it was as if everyone knew their own power, their own talent, but there were no assumptions that one was better than the other...and I couldn't help but think if the planet worked that way, how much could humankind accomplish?? Deep I know, lol, but it's there.
It was time for hair, make-up and wardrobe! Enter, Javier Rosa, make-up man extraordinaire! His presence was comforting to my slight anxiety because I'd already worked with him for the Stay video, and I knew we would not only look great but that the atmosphere would be a happy one! Elena Goode, playing Ma, showed up...God, she's gorgeous!! Truly. She's one of those few people in the world who just look flawless without make up! That ain't me...I need lots! Gary Terracino, the director to whom I am grateful for casting me, reminded me of my character. "Remember, Aunt Nani is a blue collar worker, she's married with two children...she knows what it's like to be intimidated by Carmen...she's always believing in people...she's the only one who's happy for Ma." Sure. Got it...no problem.
"All actors on set...I need everyone in this scene onset," Terracino exclaimed. This is it. I was nervous, but confident it would all be fine. I didn't realize that because we were filming on location inside a house in Queens that everytime we shot, the air conditioner would need to be turned off. Middle of August, just about, lol...thank God it wasn't humid. But wearing a small jacket would prove to be challenging enough. We were seated at the table, doing the kitchen scene. It was a lot of fun, I have to admit, my character reminds me of Chrissy Snow from Three's Company, not quite as ditsy, but naive. I did a lot of smiling, and I had more fun acting while being silent than doing my actual lines. Lesson #1: Acting seems to take place more so when you are silent than when you are actually speaking.
Off to prepare for the next scene. Next scene, also in the kitchen, but I like to call it "the cooking scene" because that's where the character of Carmen gets cooking. I could tell immediately that I was in the presence of well-seasoned actors. Elaine was on FIRE!! Elaine played Aunt Carmen so fantastically well, that I was in awe of her...she was real, she was funny, she was a ball of fire and I was so happy that she was cast to play her. Terracino chose PERFECTLY well!! The cast's professionalism, demeanor and just great acting was evident, and I was honored AND very humbled to be in their presence. After all, this was all new to me, movie making and whatnot. In fact, there was a moment when I was almost intimidated...who was I to be here amongst these professionals? If I had been cast 10 years ago, I doubt I would've made it through. But thanks to the experience life has thrown me in the music business, I believed in myself just enough to get me through it. You can do it, Judy, or you wouldn't have been cast in the first place! And it was at that moment, that I believed that I could do it, and although I didn't have one line in the scene, I loved it!! Every single moment, every single look, every single smile meant something...and God, just to be there - it really was a dream come true!
We took a break to set up for the next scene. I was STARVING. Wow...the time flew...It was past 2pm already. Lesson #2: If the lighting and scenery is not PERFECT, nothing gets done. Wow...takes so long to perfect the set, the lighting...I think in many ways, we took more time for that than anything else. But it has given me a newfound respect for movie-making and lighting...so important. Did I mention I was starving?? Terracino asked us to get through this scene and we would break for lunch. I don't know how many times we shot the scene but it was many, and each time everyone delivered...so cool One of the funny moments of the day was the food that we used in the scene. We were all so hungry that we all ate the food props!! Elena, who plays Ma, was wonderful & she snatced a carrot in between scenes. I had a bowl FULL of grapes and by the time we ended the scene between myself, Dalia who plays Aunt Denise, and Quentin, who plays Elliot...we ate every single grape...best grapes I ever had. We broke for lunch, and we still had another scene to shoot...we broke for lunch at 3:45pm!
My call was 11:15am, and I was happy to arrive on time. The first person I met was Elaine Del Valle...she would be playing Aunt Carmen, the role I had originally auditioned for. I could tell immediatedly that she had that "thing" that people look for in a star - a confidence, an aura, a presence...it cannot be explained in words, but you see it, feel it immediately. So I couldn't wait to see how the shoot would go. There was an excitement in the air, and we all possessed a bit of it. More and more of the cast arrived and we all introduced ourselves...it was refreshing! Breakfast was served, and there was a relaxed feeling. There was absolutely NO ego in the room...it was as if everyone knew their own power, their own talent, but there were no assumptions that one was better than the other...and I couldn't help but think if the planet worked that way, how much could humankind accomplish?? Deep I know, lol, but it's there.
It was time for hair, make-up and wardrobe! Enter, Javier Rosa, make-up man extraordinaire! His presence was comforting to my slight anxiety because I'd already worked with him for the Stay video, and I knew we would not only look great but that the atmosphere would be a happy one! Elena Goode, playing Ma, showed up...God, she's gorgeous!! Truly. She's one of those few people in the world who just look flawless without make up! That ain't me...I need lots! Gary Terracino, the director to whom I am grateful for casting me, reminded me of my character. "Remember, Aunt Nani is a blue collar worker, she's married with two children...she knows what it's like to be intimidated by Carmen...she's always believing in people...she's the only one who's happy for Ma." Sure. Got it...no problem.
"All actors on set...I need everyone in this scene onset," Terracino exclaimed. This is it. I was nervous, but confident it would all be fine. I didn't realize that because we were filming on location inside a house in Queens that everytime we shot, the air conditioner would need to be turned off. Middle of August, just about, lol...thank God it wasn't humid. But wearing a small jacket would prove to be challenging enough. We were seated at the table, doing the kitchen scene. It was a lot of fun, I have to admit, my character reminds me of Chrissy Snow from Three's Company, not quite as ditsy, but naive. I did a lot of smiling, and I had more fun acting while being silent than doing my actual lines. Lesson #1: Acting seems to take place more so when you are silent than when you are actually speaking.
Off to prepare for the next scene. Next scene, also in the kitchen, but I like to call it "the cooking scene" because that's where the character of Carmen gets cooking. I could tell immediately that I was in the presence of well-seasoned actors. Elaine was on FIRE!! Elaine played Aunt Carmen so fantastically well, that I was in awe of her...she was real, she was funny, she was a ball of fire and I was so happy that she was cast to play her. Terracino chose PERFECTLY well!! The cast's professionalism, demeanor and just great acting was evident, and I was honored AND very humbled to be in their presence. After all, this was all new to me, movie making and whatnot. In fact, there was a moment when I was almost intimidated...who was I to be here amongst these professionals? If I had been cast 10 years ago, I doubt I would've made it through. But thanks to the experience life has thrown me in the music business, I believed in myself just enough to get me through it. You can do it, Judy, or you wouldn't have been cast in the first place! And it was at that moment, that I believed that I could do it, and although I didn't have one line in the scene, I loved it!! Every single moment, every single look, every single smile meant something...and God, just to be there - it really was a dream come true!
We took a break to set up for the next scene. I was STARVING. Wow...the time flew...It was past 2pm already. Lesson #2: If the lighting and scenery is not PERFECT, nothing gets done. Wow...takes so long to perfect the set, the lighting...I think in many ways, we took more time for that than anything else. But it has given me a newfound respect for movie-making and lighting...so important. Did I mention I was starving?? Terracino asked us to get through this scene and we would break for lunch. I don't know how many times we shot the scene but it was many, and each time everyone delivered...so cool One of the funny moments of the day was the food that we used in the scene. We were all so hungry that we all ate the food props!! Elena, who plays Ma, was wonderful & she snatced a carrot in between scenes. I had a bowl FULL of grapes and by the time we ended the scene between myself, Dalia who plays Aunt Denise, and Quentin, who plays Elliot...we ate every single grape...best grapes I ever had. We broke for lunch, and we still had another scene to shoot...we broke for lunch at 3:45pm!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
WHEN YOUR EX READS YOUR BLOG...PART 2 OF 2
Don't know what possessed me. I missed him. I missed my Lobster...or at least I missed the fantasy of what I thought we had. But I knew this...I STILL LOVE HIM!!! I do, ugh, I really do..and I continue to secretly fantasize him coming back to me! Silly thing, I know. In my last blog, I mentioned where he failed me, but I failed to mention that he was a good man, and was better to me than anyone I'd ever known. I also failed ot mention to you all that when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, he was there EVERY SINGLE DAY for me while I was in the hospital. He made the phone calls, he talked to my mom every day, he cleaned my house, did my laundry, and took my very very sick cat of 18 years to the vet. He was the person responsible for taking me out of my depression when I was first diagnosed...
The morning after I was told I had multiple sclerosis, I had pretty much decided I wanted to die; just was trying to figure out how to do it. I know it sounds horribly morbid, but at the time, that's where my head was. I remember he came into the hospital room with a backgammon game, asking me if I wanted to play. I could've killed him.
"The LAST thing I want to do is play a freaking game! Did you not hear what I told you...yesterday they told me I have multiple sclerosis...there is no cure...I could end up crippled...and you want to play a game.?!?!"
His response: "Judy...don't think I didn't have a break down last night, because I did. I cried...a lot. But then I got to thinking, it's going to be alright."
"What?"
"Judy, can you talk?"
"Yes."
"Can you walk?"
"Yea..but"
"Can you sing?"
"Yes."
"Well then as long as you can walk, talk and sing...just keep on living! Who's to say you'll be crippled? As long as you can sing, you can make it through anything.'
And just like that...he shut me up. Just like that..he was right.
The day I was released from the hospital, my 18 year old cat died and he was there for that too.
And that's just one story where he loved me...loved me for real.
Got off track. Don't know what possessed me. I texted him. He texted me asking if I was okay. I confessed that I missed him...that I had been thinking of him..and yes, that I still loved him. Ugh. That was hard to type...to put it in writing. I always have my guard up with him, because I'm afraid the Lobstser will let me down AGAIN. He was working and unable to talk, and for whatever reason, that annoyed me too...He said he missed me too, and then, I saw the bold letters slap me in the face:
I miss you too but it's hard not to clam up and tell you how I feel when you blog about the sailor boy.
Gulp. Ooh. Uh...
I reminded him again that months ago, I told him I still wanted to be with him if he'd have me...and that I did not love Navy Guy...but he did nothing about it...what was I supposed to do?
I hate to admit it...but when I got home, I plopped on the sofa and cried my ass off..
Why after two years of being separated do I still wish he'd come back to me?
Why am I still alone?
Why doesn't anyone want me?
Why doesn't the Lobster want me?
Why won't he do anything to win me back, when he has the power to at anytime?
Why did I leave him?
yes, I realize how pathetic I sound...lol. But we all have our moments...and this was mine. I thought he was the one...I thought he would be my husband...I thought he loved me enough to fight for me...I thought a lot of things...
Thank God, for the morning after...because I was calmer, not as depressed, but I needed to let it out. I just thought, "Wow...my ex reads my blog too??" Well, Lobster if you read this, life is what you make it and I won't be single forever..lol.!!
The morning after I was told I had multiple sclerosis, I had pretty much decided I wanted to die; just was trying to figure out how to do it. I know it sounds horribly morbid, but at the time, that's where my head was. I remember he came into the hospital room with a backgammon game, asking me if I wanted to play. I could've killed him.
"The LAST thing I want to do is play a freaking game! Did you not hear what I told you...yesterday they told me I have multiple sclerosis...there is no cure...I could end up crippled...and you want to play a game.?!?!"
His response: "Judy...don't think I didn't have a break down last night, because I did. I cried...a lot. But then I got to thinking, it's going to be alright."
"What?"
"Judy, can you talk?"
"Yes."
"Can you walk?"
"Yea..but"
"Can you sing?"
"Yes."
"Well then as long as you can walk, talk and sing...just keep on living! Who's to say you'll be crippled? As long as you can sing, you can make it through anything.'
And just like that...he shut me up. Just like that..he was right.
The day I was released from the hospital, my 18 year old cat died and he was there for that too.
And that's just one story where he loved me...loved me for real.
Got off track. Don't know what possessed me. I texted him. He texted me asking if I was okay. I confessed that I missed him...that I had been thinking of him..and yes, that I still loved him. Ugh. That was hard to type...to put it in writing. I always have my guard up with him, because I'm afraid the Lobstser will let me down AGAIN. He was working and unable to talk, and for whatever reason, that annoyed me too...He said he missed me too, and then, I saw the bold letters slap me in the face:
I miss you too but it's hard not to clam up and tell you how I feel when you blog about the sailor boy.
Gulp. Ooh. Uh...
I reminded him again that months ago, I told him I still wanted to be with him if he'd have me...and that I did not love Navy Guy...but he did nothing about it...what was I supposed to do?
I hate to admit it...but when I got home, I plopped on the sofa and cried my ass off..
Why after two years of being separated do I still wish he'd come back to me?
Why am I still alone?
Why doesn't anyone want me?
Why doesn't the Lobster want me?
Why won't he do anything to win me back, when he has the power to at anytime?
Why did I leave him?
yes, I realize how pathetic I sound...lol. But we all have our moments...and this was mine. I thought he was the one...I thought he would be my husband...I thought he loved me enough to fight for me...I thought a lot of things...
Thank God, for the morning after...because I was calmer, not as depressed, but I needed to let it out. I just thought, "Wow...my ex reads my blog too??" Well, Lobster if you read this, life is what you make it and I won't be single forever..lol.!!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
LESSONS LEARNED/BEATSTOCK JONES BEACH (Part 1 of 2)
Sunday, August 8, 2010: BEATSTOCK Jones Beach, Long Island, NY
I woke up with achy feet, splitting headache and I was relieved to know I had not gone out to any after parties...I might have collapsed, lol. But I also woke up with a relieved heart because I woke up with closure. For so long I'd wondered how Navy Guy felt for me, and the night before I was tempted to ask him. But the real answers revealed themselves in his actions...and I woke up feeling clear about it all. There is a song by Carrie Underwood called Lessons Learned...and it sums up what I feel about life itself...
"For every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
For everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night
For every change life has shown me
I'm thankful for every break in my heart
I'm grateful for every scar
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned
But they were lessons learned."
In the spirit of that song...here's what meeting Navy Guy has taught me:
It's okay to be spontaneous sometimes...it's okay to take chances
It's okay to kiss a stranger and exhange curious glances.
It's fine to let your guard down and it's good to share laughter
It's fine to see what's out there, if it's real love you're after...
It's good to feel wanted- wonderful to feel desired,
But it's not worth getting burned...if you never touched the fire.
Okay, poetry aside...here it is.
It was a lot of fun, but I need more.
I am ready for real love in my life and I'm tired of meeting men who won't give me 100%.
I no longer want to be with someone with whose feelings I am always guessing.
I want to KNOW he wants me, that he loves me...
I don't want to be left wondering. I don't want to guess.
I deserve to have someone in my life who WANTS to be with me, and who is PROUD to take pics with me, and I also NO LONGER want to share the "perks" of my life with anyone unless I know they're in for the long haul with me. It simply leaves me feeling used...it leaves me wondering if they really cared...did they only like me because I'm Judy Torres? Did they really like me, just Judy?
This is it...Get to know me, love me or leave me ALONE!!! LOL.
I'm glad I met him because it opened my eyes in a way. I think our relationship was a good and fun one at first. It felt good to feel wanted by someone, to get someone's attention...but after a year...a YEAR!! I shouldn't have to wonder why he won't hold my hand or give me a complment...truth is I need much more than that. I am looking for love...i am looking for a relationship! I am looking for the ONE!! And honestly it was my fault for expecting more from him. To his credit, when he first met me, he did say, "You don't wanna get involved with a guy like me." There...the disclaimer was right there,but like many women, I didn't heed the warning, thinking he'll be different with me. Duh. As they say in show business, "The show must go on!"
It was a VERY hot day. I had an appearance at the plaza at Jones Beach for QLIMG BEFORE the show from 3:00-5:30! It involved a lot of speaking, and speaking over LOUD music. I was concerned whether or not my voice would make it through the day. It was already tired from the night before...and to do it all over again. Wasn't sure if I'd hold up. I did have a great time taking pictures with fans, giving away backstage passes so they could meet and greet with Taio Cruz, Enrique Iglesias and Pitbull. When I was done, I immediately had to go backstage and change into my outfit. It was so humid! Ugh...I was glad I'd left my hair curly...no frizz to worry about.
I thought about the day before...I met Charice. I said hello to Chris Willis..I love him! LOL...I got the thumbs up from Naughty by Nature, I laughed with Lisa Lisa, hung with George Lamond and TKA, who have admittedly become big brothers to me. I also was in awe of Pitbull. I'd seen him sing last year and he literally blew me away! He was wonderful onstage and off...just a class act of a man! There was almost a 20 minute wait for Pitbull to go on, and I'd never heard a large crowd be so quiet and patient in all of my life!! When he walked on stage, he was worth the wait!! There was a comment backstage. I overheard someone say, "He doesn't seem to have rhythm when he dances." Shut thy mouth, sir! Ugh! Oh, I cannot stand haters!! LOL...I see Pitbull as having FANTASTIC sense of who he is...he has got GREAT stage presence, and he has confidence...and THAT, my friends, is SEXY!! LOL...
It was almost time to go on...I had a sudden thought. I was on my own today...no guests with me in the limo, no road manager, no friends hanging out with me. I was happy that I'd kept myself great company all day and hadn't really noticed it at all. And before I noticed it, I was on the side of the stage, watching Shontelle sing Impossible and wondered, "How the hell do I follow this act???" She was great! She was beautiful and she had a #1 hit that we are hearing on the radio every single hour!!" Hm...here goes nothing!!
Walked onto the stage with the sun striking me right smack in the face, and it was a repeat reception...it was GREAT!! The crowd applauded, cheered, screamed, and it is just love. I don't know how to explain it to you, but it is a feeling of sheer unadulterated and unconditional love...and I would trade places with you just for one night so you can feel that...Once you feel that - you cannot disappoint! You must deliver a GREAT show...and I thinnk I did very well, lol.
Got off stage, sweaty...but didn't want to leave...I wanted to see TKA/K7 perform. Besides the fact that we are friends...I am also a HUGE fan of theirs. I am amazed how throughtout the years, they TRULY entertain and the quality of their show is incomparable to their own peers. Kayel of TKA gives his all - dancing, singing...he emits strength, masculinity and truth...and I just adore him!! As I watched George Lamond came over to me, smiling...and I asked him, "Do you ever have a surreal moment while you're on stage...you know, like an out of body experience?" He nodded in agreement, and we both continued to watch. At the end of the show, it was a magical moment...they really had the audience eating out of their hands...there was solidarity in the crowd, something that indicates you've really given a kick-ass show...they asked the crowd to pose for a picture for Facebook, and it was a GREAT moment! I was SO SO proud of them! And I thought, "Wow....25 years now, and we're still out here...we're still doing it!!!" I know one day it may be over, and that day may come sooner than later, but damn, it's a great feeling to appreciate the moment NOW!!!
I got into the limo, at first satisfied with the weekend, satisfied with how I handled the disappointment...satisfied that my voice survived it all. And then...
And then...
And then, well...
I was alone again. I wasn't just alone...I was acutely lonely. Damn, I hate this. I just performed for litereally thousands of people, I spoke to tens of people throughout the day, talked with my comrades of freestyle...but then went home alone again....long ride home. Alone.
And then I did something...I should probably not have...
I woke up with achy feet, splitting headache and I was relieved to know I had not gone out to any after parties...I might have collapsed, lol. But I also woke up with a relieved heart because I woke up with closure. For so long I'd wondered how Navy Guy felt for me, and the night before I was tempted to ask him. But the real answers revealed themselves in his actions...and I woke up feeling clear about it all. There is a song by Carrie Underwood called Lessons Learned...and it sums up what I feel about life itself...
"For every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
For everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night
For every change life has shown me
I'm thankful for every break in my heart
I'm grateful for every scar
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned
But they were lessons learned."
In the spirit of that song...here's what meeting Navy Guy has taught me:
It's okay to be spontaneous sometimes...it's okay to take chances
It's okay to kiss a stranger and exhange curious glances.
It's fine to let your guard down and it's good to share laughter
It's fine to see what's out there, if it's real love you're after...
It's good to feel wanted- wonderful to feel desired,
But it's not worth getting burned...if you never touched the fire.
Okay, poetry aside...here it is.
It was a lot of fun, but I need more.
I am ready for real love in my life and I'm tired of meeting men who won't give me 100%.
I no longer want to be with someone with whose feelings I am always guessing.
I want to KNOW he wants me, that he loves me...
I don't want to be left wondering. I don't want to guess.
I deserve to have someone in my life who WANTS to be with me, and who is PROUD to take pics with me, and I also NO LONGER want to share the "perks" of my life with anyone unless I know they're in for the long haul with me. It simply leaves me feeling used...it leaves me wondering if they really cared...did they only like me because I'm Judy Torres? Did they really like me, just Judy?
This is it...Get to know me, love me or leave me ALONE!!! LOL.
I'm glad I met him because it opened my eyes in a way. I think our relationship was a good and fun one at first. It felt good to feel wanted by someone, to get someone's attention...but after a year...a YEAR!! I shouldn't have to wonder why he won't hold my hand or give me a complment...truth is I need much more than that. I am looking for love...i am looking for a relationship! I am looking for the ONE!! And honestly it was my fault for expecting more from him. To his credit, when he first met me, he did say, "You don't wanna get involved with a guy like me." There...the disclaimer was right there,but like many women, I didn't heed the warning, thinking he'll be different with me. Duh. As they say in show business, "The show must go on!"
It was a VERY hot day. I had an appearance at the plaza at Jones Beach for QLIMG BEFORE the show from 3:00-5:30! It involved a lot of speaking, and speaking over LOUD music. I was concerned whether or not my voice would make it through the day. It was already tired from the night before...and to do it all over again. Wasn't sure if I'd hold up. I did have a great time taking pictures with fans, giving away backstage passes so they could meet and greet with Taio Cruz, Enrique Iglesias and Pitbull. When I was done, I immediately had to go backstage and change into my outfit. It was so humid! Ugh...I was glad I'd left my hair curly...no frizz to worry about.
I thought about the day before...I met Charice. I said hello to Chris Willis..I love him! LOL...I got the thumbs up from Naughty by Nature, I laughed with Lisa Lisa, hung with George Lamond and TKA, who have admittedly become big brothers to me. I also was in awe of Pitbull. I'd seen him sing last year and he literally blew me away! He was wonderful onstage and off...just a class act of a man! There was almost a 20 minute wait for Pitbull to go on, and I'd never heard a large crowd be so quiet and patient in all of my life!! When he walked on stage, he was worth the wait!! There was a comment backstage. I overheard someone say, "He doesn't seem to have rhythm when he dances." Shut thy mouth, sir! Ugh! Oh, I cannot stand haters!! LOL...I see Pitbull as having FANTASTIC sense of who he is...he has got GREAT stage presence, and he has confidence...and THAT, my friends, is SEXY!! LOL...
It was almost time to go on...I had a sudden thought. I was on my own today...no guests with me in the limo, no road manager, no friends hanging out with me. I was happy that I'd kept myself great company all day and hadn't really noticed it at all. And before I noticed it, I was on the side of the stage, watching Shontelle sing Impossible and wondered, "How the hell do I follow this act???" She was great! She was beautiful and she had a #1 hit that we are hearing on the radio every single hour!!" Hm...here goes nothing!!
Walked onto the stage with the sun striking me right smack in the face, and it was a repeat reception...it was GREAT!! The crowd applauded, cheered, screamed, and it is just love. I don't know how to explain it to you, but it is a feeling of sheer unadulterated and unconditional love...and I would trade places with you just for one night so you can feel that...Once you feel that - you cannot disappoint! You must deliver a GREAT show...and I thinnk I did very well, lol.
Got off stage, sweaty...but didn't want to leave...I wanted to see TKA/K7 perform. Besides the fact that we are friends...I am also a HUGE fan of theirs. I am amazed how throughtout the years, they TRULY entertain and the quality of their show is incomparable to their own peers. Kayel of TKA gives his all - dancing, singing...he emits strength, masculinity and truth...and I just adore him!! As I watched George Lamond came over to me, smiling...and I asked him, "Do you ever have a surreal moment while you're on stage...you know, like an out of body experience?" He nodded in agreement, and we both continued to watch. At the end of the show, it was a magical moment...they really had the audience eating out of their hands...there was solidarity in the crowd, something that indicates you've really given a kick-ass show...they asked the crowd to pose for a picture for Facebook, and it was a GREAT moment! I was SO SO proud of them! And I thought, "Wow....25 years now, and we're still out here...we're still doing it!!!" I know one day it may be over, and that day may come sooner than later, but damn, it's a great feeling to appreciate the moment NOW!!!
I got into the limo, at first satisfied with the weekend, satisfied with how I handled the disappointment...satisfied that my voice survived it all. And then...
And then...
And then, well...
I was alone again. I wasn't just alone...I was acutely lonely. Damn, I hate this. I just performed for litereally thousands of people, I spoke to tens of people throughout the day, talked with my comrades of freestyle...but then went home alone again....long ride home. Alone.
And then I did something...I should probably not have...
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Ahoy, Beatstock! Bye, Bye, Navy Guy! (Part 2 of 2)
August 7, 2010 - KTU's BEATSTOCK at PNC Bank Arts Center, NJ
Woke up and instantly began running around. There was a lot to do, a lot to prepare for and as soon as I began running around the phone began ringing off the hook. I was grateful that I had already decided on what I would be wearing...that saved at least an hour off the clock! Navy Guy showed up and was excited, but could see how busy I was, and he was understandably patient and stayed "out of the way" during the frenzy. I was told I would only get a town car, so I had prepared him with the information. But at 3pm, a HUGE limousine showed up...I could've fit most of my family in it, and his eyes lit up. We went downstairs, when I realized I'd forgotten something and had to go bak upstairs. When I came down, Navy Guy had already taken several photos of the limo. LOL...it reminded me how special it is to get a limo pick me up...I am a very lucky and blessed girl, and I appreciate it all...never take it for granted.
He asked me, "Here." he handed me his camera, "take a picture." So I did...The driver, realizing what was happening, said, "Give me the camera, I'll take a picture of both of you." Navy Guy declined. Huh? In my attempt to not act like "a girl", and be clingy,I didn't complain, but I thought it was odd. What's wrong with taking a picture of me? On the ride over, at first, we barely spoke...hm. Not the picture I had in my mind. We did eventually warm up. Before you know it, we arrived at PNC. I introduced him to a few people, and Navy Guy was cool with everyone. He asked me if I needed water, and he really balanced well between keeping me company and giving me space to do what I needed to do. It was time to change. But wait...oh, my God! It's Charice! The girl who was on Oprah, who was signed by David Foster!!!! I begged and I got a picture with her! So cool! What a HUGE voice coming out of her tiny and petite little body! It was an awesome moment!
I was beginning to feel nervous...it happens every year. But I was excited. I wore a pink lace corset with black leggings, a black lace cover and the boots that I almost didn't have to pay for, lol..(I wrote about it in a previous blog, What Would You Do?). I have to admit, I felt pretty great about what I was wearing. Yes, Iit was brave for a girl of my size, but it made me feel sexy. I came out of the dressing room and people around me began to compliment me. Good, whew, I look okay. I was asked to take photos for Versace, one of the sponsors for Beatstock...it was fun. I even took some photos with Chris Willis, who I LOVE!!
Time to go on stage. I was waiting...I was to go on after Kim English. It was a gorgeous day; a perfect day for the concert. I heard my name. "And now...Judy Torres." A heard a rush of the people...it was a mixture of applause and believe it or not, it felt like JOY! I was honored, I was taken ababck with shock...I didn't expect such a great response. And I thought to myself, you better do good...but it was wonderful. It is so unbelieveably overwhelming to be able to sing and feel every moment, hit every high note...and hear people resond!! Oh, what a moment!! There were so many celebrities, and all I secretly thought was, "People won't even remember I was here...once they see Enrique, Pitbull...there's no way they even care that I'm here." But I have to say, upon hearing the applause and response, I felt in for the short amount of time I was onstage, they cared.
I walked off, and was given high fives, asked to take pictures and was bombarded with requests...that always feels good I won't lie to you. It is very validating as a human being, to have people react to you in such a way is a compliment. I walked over to Navy Guy, and he said, "When you went on a lot of seats thqt had been empty filled up..." That was it. Was that a compliment? I think so., sort of, kind of. I should be grateful, but I wanted to hear, "Good job, baby!" Then it hit me...that's what the Lobster would've probably said! It's not good to compare. Comparisons aside, Judy herself would've liked to receive a compliment from a guy she's interested in.
The ride back home was QUIET. Navy Guy was on the phone, texting. His hand was just sitting there, and I reached out for it. He pulled it away to text..but never replaced it back to my hand. Whatever. I had given him a t-shirt with my name & Stay on it, along with my business card as a joke...He had some other memorabilia he'd collected from Beatstock that day. We had kown he was leaving to head back to the port inthe morning because he had duty on Monday morning, britght and early. I had asked him what he would tell people when he posted the pics of the limo, etc. onto the internet, and he said, "I'll tell them I went to Beatstock." No mention of me. He said goodnight and kissed me lightly, thanked me & was gone. He said, "I'll be visiting family in a couple of weeks, and I'll pass by to visit, ok?" I sat back in the limo, looked down and there it was. He'd taken his photos, his souveneirs, but he'd left things behind - the tshirt that bore my name and my business card. It was as if, he'd purposely left behind any "evidence" that he was with me at all. No pictures and nothing with my name. I can gesture that it was a mistake; that he simply forgot it..but those items were on top of all the other ones. It was psychologically sending me a LOUD message. And you know what? Although I was sadly disappointed, I have to confess, I had reached a point where it didn't even matter to me. That was it. We had said goodbye to one another without actually saying it.
Woke up and instantly began running around. There was a lot to do, a lot to prepare for and as soon as I began running around the phone began ringing off the hook. I was grateful that I had already decided on what I would be wearing...that saved at least an hour off the clock! Navy Guy showed up and was excited, but could see how busy I was, and he was understandably patient and stayed "out of the way" during the frenzy. I was told I would only get a town car, so I had prepared him with the information. But at 3pm, a HUGE limousine showed up...I could've fit most of my family in it, and his eyes lit up. We went downstairs, when I realized I'd forgotten something and had to go bak upstairs. When I came down, Navy Guy had already taken several photos of the limo. LOL...it reminded me how special it is to get a limo pick me up...I am a very lucky and blessed girl, and I appreciate it all...never take it for granted.
He asked me, "Here." he handed me his camera, "take a picture." So I did...The driver, realizing what was happening, said, "Give me the camera, I'll take a picture of both of you." Navy Guy declined. Huh? In my attempt to not act like "a girl", and be clingy,I didn't complain, but I thought it was odd. What's wrong with taking a picture of me? On the ride over, at first, we barely spoke...hm. Not the picture I had in my mind. We did eventually warm up. Before you know it, we arrived at PNC. I introduced him to a few people, and Navy Guy was cool with everyone. He asked me if I needed water, and he really balanced well between keeping me company and giving me space to do what I needed to do. It was time to change. But wait...oh, my God! It's Charice! The girl who was on Oprah, who was signed by David Foster!!!! I begged and I got a picture with her! So cool! What a HUGE voice coming out of her tiny and petite little body! It was an awesome moment!
I was beginning to feel nervous...it happens every year. But I was excited. I wore a pink lace corset with black leggings, a black lace cover and the boots that I almost didn't have to pay for, lol..(I wrote about it in a previous blog, What Would You Do?). I have to admit, I felt pretty great about what I was wearing. Yes, Iit was brave for a girl of my size, but it made me feel sexy. I came out of the dressing room and people around me began to compliment me. Good, whew, I look okay. I was asked to take photos for Versace, one of the sponsors for Beatstock...it was fun. I even took some photos with Chris Willis, who I LOVE!!
Time to go on stage. I was waiting...I was to go on after Kim English. It was a gorgeous day; a perfect day for the concert. I heard my name. "And now...Judy Torres." A heard a rush of the people...it was a mixture of applause and believe it or not, it felt like JOY! I was honored, I was taken ababck with shock...I didn't expect such a great response. And I thought to myself, you better do good...but it was wonderful. It is so unbelieveably overwhelming to be able to sing and feel every moment, hit every high note...and hear people resond!! Oh, what a moment!! There were so many celebrities, and all I secretly thought was, "People won't even remember I was here...once they see Enrique, Pitbull...there's no way they even care that I'm here." But I have to say, upon hearing the applause and response, I felt in for the short amount of time I was onstage, they cared.
I walked off, and was given high fives, asked to take pictures and was bombarded with requests...that always feels good I won't lie to you. It is very validating as a human being, to have people react to you in such a way is a compliment. I walked over to Navy Guy, and he said, "When you went on a lot of seats thqt had been empty filled up..." That was it. Was that a compliment? I think so., sort of, kind of. I should be grateful, but I wanted to hear, "Good job, baby!" Then it hit me...that's what the Lobster would've probably said! It's not good to compare. Comparisons aside, Judy herself would've liked to receive a compliment from a guy she's interested in.
The ride back home was QUIET. Navy Guy was on the phone, texting. His hand was just sitting there, and I reached out for it. He pulled it away to text..but never replaced it back to my hand. Whatever. I had given him a t-shirt with my name & Stay on it, along with my business card as a joke...He had some other memorabilia he'd collected from Beatstock that day. We had kown he was leaving to head back to the port inthe morning because he had duty on Monday morning, britght and early. I had asked him what he would tell people when he posted the pics of the limo, etc. onto the internet, and he said, "I'll tell them I went to Beatstock." No mention of me. He said goodnight and kissed me lightly, thanked me & was gone. He said, "I'll be visiting family in a couple of weeks, and I'll pass by to visit, ok?" I sat back in the limo, looked down and there it was. He'd taken his photos, his souveneirs, but he'd left things behind - the tshirt that bore my name and my business card. It was as if, he'd purposely left behind any "evidence" that he was with me at all. No pictures and nothing with my name. I can gesture that it was a mistake; that he simply forgot it..but those items were on top of all the other ones. It was psychologically sending me a LOUD message. And you know what? Although I was sadly disappointed, I have to confess, I had reached a point where it didn't even matter to me. That was it. We had said goodbye to one another without actually saying it.
Monday, August 9, 2010
The Lobster, The Navy Guy and The Strange Feeling.(Part 1 of 2)
Friday, August 6th -
Life is very ironic. Received a phone call from my ex-boyfriend, who I was with for 5 1/2 years. I called him my Lobster the entire time we were together. Why? Because I believed he was always THE ONE, the one I would spend my life with, the one whose children I bear, the one I'd marry. I broke things off after many red flags had waved in my face, and I could no longer ignore them: the fact that I'd never met his parents; the fact that he'd promised we'd live together but moved without me; the fact that there were holes in some of his stories, and the fact that after 5 1/2 years together, we weren't even engaged...there was simply no real proof that said he wanted to future with me.
Anyway, the Lobster called me and immediately, I felt it. Everytime he calls, I am automatically back with him in my mind, I am automatically feeling love for him, but I am also, automatically hurt again...confused again, and angry again. For the entirety of our relationship, the Lobster had always gone to my shows and especially to Beatstock. It was always wonderful to hear him wish me luck before I walked onto the stage, to see the smile on his face when I got off and to feel the pride he felt for me....but for the last two years, I'd gone solo. I wondered if he called because he knew it was Beatstock weekend. I wondered if he called because he'd hoped I'd bring it up. I wondered if he called because he knew Navy Guy was in town. But then again...I just wondered. What did he want? Why did he call now? Just last year, I had a conversation with him...we'd gone to a wake together...and it was that night I confessed to him that he still had a chance if he wanted me back as long as he'd make time to see me and promise to have a future with me. He had asked me that night if I loved Navy Guy, and I told him I did not. I told him that I would leave any prospect if it meant we could be together again. He promised to take me to dinner...but nothing happened.
In fact, he invited me out a couple of weeks ago with less than a four hour notice, but I was SO extremely worn out from planning the music video for Stay, that I simply could not. I was exhausted...and I was not up to it. I could not physically do it. I thought to myself, it's great to be spontaneous, but if he really wanted it to be special, why wouldn't he plan it better with me? And that's part of our problem...timing. He never had time for me. I was always the one begging him for his time, and I had to accept it....now for the first time, I didn't have the time, and I had to say no.
Navy Guy called to say he was pulling up in front of my house. For a moment, I had no idea of how to greet him. I hadn't seen him since December, and since December a lot had happened. In December. I didn't exactly feel like he wanted a substantial relationship with me, and the day before he left, I told him I just wanted to be friends...that's how we left things. And then over some time, as the months passed, he'd called, angry and accusing me of "kicking him to the curb," claiming that we did have something; that he indeed considered me a girlfriend. But then again, realisitically, I knew he was drunk too, and perhaps very lonely. At one time, he sent me a message stating that when he returned he wanted to "offer a proposition."
Walking down the stairs, I had decided to see how I felt when I saw him instead of waiting to see how he felt. Navy Guy got out of the car, with a smile on his face and roses...I walked over to him, and we hugged. Yes, he was as cute as ever, and ironically we were both wearing the same color, lol. Almost immediately, he presented a box to me, white with a big, plush, silver bow. I admit, I LOVE receiving gifts...I don't get them often, so it is always exciting to me, and it always makes me feel like a little kid! I opened the box, and he was so excited. "I got it in Italy...is it exotic enough? (I teased him online asking him to find something exotic for me and he'd told me he isn't that creative.) Do you think it will fit?" I put it on...it was a jewelry set - earrings, bracelet and necklace hand-made of jade and sterling silver...very pretty, unique. He was disappointed that the bracelet was big on me...I am a big girl, with big calves, but I have little ankles, wrists and fingers, lol.
As we walked into the restaurant, we held hands..not a bad sign, I thought. At dinner we had some light conversation. We didn't have much time together as I had a show that night, but I invited him nonetheless. On the ride over, he joked around with the driver, and he seemed happy to be home; happy to be back. At the show, however, I noticed something felt off...couldn't put my finger on it. Wait, maybe I can. I noticed he was talking to one of my friends...a lot. That is fine with me, but when I was around him, he was quiet. He wouldn't dance with me, and he barely said one word. When I got home, we parted ways because Beatstock was the next day, and I needed my rest. He kissed me goodnight. Something was missing...something felt wrong...
Life is very ironic. Received a phone call from my ex-boyfriend, who I was with for 5 1/2 years. I called him my Lobster the entire time we were together. Why? Because I believed he was always THE ONE, the one I would spend my life with, the one whose children I bear, the one I'd marry. I broke things off after many red flags had waved in my face, and I could no longer ignore them: the fact that I'd never met his parents; the fact that he'd promised we'd live together but moved without me; the fact that there were holes in some of his stories, and the fact that after 5 1/2 years together, we weren't even engaged...there was simply no real proof that said he wanted to future with me.
Anyway, the Lobster called me and immediately, I felt it. Everytime he calls, I am automatically back with him in my mind, I am automatically feeling love for him, but I am also, automatically hurt again...confused again, and angry again. For the entirety of our relationship, the Lobster had always gone to my shows and especially to Beatstock. It was always wonderful to hear him wish me luck before I walked onto the stage, to see the smile on his face when I got off and to feel the pride he felt for me....but for the last two years, I'd gone solo. I wondered if he called because he knew it was Beatstock weekend. I wondered if he called because he'd hoped I'd bring it up. I wondered if he called because he knew Navy Guy was in town. But then again...I just wondered. What did he want? Why did he call now? Just last year, I had a conversation with him...we'd gone to a wake together...and it was that night I confessed to him that he still had a chance if he wanted me back as long as he'd make time to see me and promise to have a future with me. He had asked me that night if I loved Navy Guy, and I told him I did not. I told him that I would leave any prospect if it meant we could be together again. He promised to take me to dinner...but nothing happened.
In fact, he invited me out a couple of weeks ago with less than a four hour notice, but I was SO extremely worn out from planning the music video for Stay, that I simply could not. I was exhausted...and I was not up to it. I could not physically do it. I thought to myself, it's great to be spontaneous, but if he really wanted it to be special, why wouldn't he plan it better with me? And that's part of our problem...timing. He never had time for me. I was always the one begging him for his time, and I had to accept it....now for the first time, I didn't have the time, and I had to say no.
Navy Guy called to say he was pulling up in front of my house. For a moment, I had no idea of how to greet him. I hadn't seen him since December, and since December a lot had happened. In December. I didn't exactly feel like he wanted a substantial relationship with me, and the day before he left, I told him I just wanted to be friends...that's how we left things. And then over some time, as the months passed, he'd called, angry and accusing me of "kicking him to the curb," claiming that we did have something; that he indeed considered me a girlfriend. But then again, realisitically, I knew he was drunk too, and perhaps very lonely. At one time, he sent me a message stating that when he returned he wanted to "offer a proposition."
Walking down the stairs, I had decided to see how I felt when I saw him instead of waiting to see how he felt. Navy Guy got out of the car, with a smile on his face and roses...I walked over to him, and we hugged. Yes, he was as cute as ever, and ironically we were both wearing the same color, lol. Almost immediately, he presented a box to me, white with a big, plush, silver bow. I admit, I LOVE receiving gifts...I don't get them often, so it is always exciting to me, and it always makes me feel like a little kid! I opened the box, and he was so excited. "I got it in Italy...is it exotic enough? (I teased him online asking him to find something exotic for me and he'd told me he isn't that creative.) Do you think it will fit?" I put it on...it was a jewelry set - earrings, bracelet and necklace hand-made of jade and sterling silver...very pretty, unique. He was disappointed that the bracelet was big on me...I am a big girl, with big calves, but I have little ankles, wrists and fingers, lol.
As we walked into the restaurant, we held hands..not a bad sign, I thought. At dinner we had some light conversation. We didn't have much time together as I had a show that night, but I invited him nonetheless. On the ride over, he joked around with the driver, and he seemed happy to be home; happy to be back. At the show, however, I noticed something felt off...couldn't put my finger on it. Wait, maybe I can. I noticed he was talking to one of my friends...a lot. That is fine with me, but when I was around him, he was quiet. He wouldn't dance with me, and he barely said one word. When I got home, we parted ways because Beatstock was the next day, and I needed my rest. He kissed me goodnight. Something was missing...something felt wrong...
Friday, August 6, 2010
WHAT WOULD YOU DO???
I woke up today in a hurry...lots to do...lots to prepare for. Wait. Oh, my God! Look at my house! Judy!!! What have you done??? There was no way in the world I would do anything until I thoroughly cleaned up my mess!!! Got dressed, flew to buy a new air conditioner - mine sounds like it's a minute away from blowing up! Bought the air conditioner, and drove to the Woodbridge Mall...I change it up all the time...I have about 3-4 malls I love! Anyway, I meet a friend and ask her to shop with me so I could buy cool outfits for this weekend's shows for Beatstock!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, sometimes you walk into a store...and you find nothing, nada, zilch! And then sometimes, on a rare occasion, you can strike gold!! Today, I walked into the very first store and hit the jackpot!! Immediately I found two outfits, matching jewelry...but wait.
Oh..
My...
God...
(angels singing over my head). There they were.
Black, leather, over the knee with peek-a-boo-toe boots! You don't understand...to the average girl..no big deal. But I have horses' calves...no matter what size I've been - whether a 14 (which is average for my 5'9" height) or an 18...doesn't matter. I can NEVER buy boots like that as much as I like them...but thanks to the "plus size boot", with extra room for muscularly curvy calves...that's what I call mine, I was able to try them on...and of course they go perfect with my outfit! How much, you ask?? Ready? $68! That's it!? Oh, now I HAD to buy them....
The cashier was completely alone...the other worker never showed up and she was literally doing the work of 3 women...I finally walked up to her and made my purchase...
Final price: $233.
My friend and I looked at each other in amazement! Wow...all that stuff: boots, shoes, 5 tops, a belt, 2 rings. That was GREAT...the tops were not cheap...so I thought in my head a total of close to $400 or so. Immediately my friend and I went to another shoe store. I know, I know...I already bought 2 pairs...
But you know what I just LOVE about shoes? They always fit...I can be size 14, 16, 18, 20...whatever..but the shoes...they fit!! LOL Okay back to the story.
We walked into another shoe store, where I was trying on a pair of HOT silver shoes and gold ankle booties...we were still stunned that the total amount of my purchase was so low...so my friend pulls out the receipt...Because I am a frequent shopper, I immediately get 5% off my purchase. So my friend starts reading it aloud...then she got quiet.
"What, Brenda?"
"Um, Judy..she didn't charge you for the boots."
"Yes, she did...of course she did...they were HUGE boots...how could she not see them?"
I grab the receipt. My eyes dart all over the piece of paper, desperate to find the proof.
Shoot...she didn't charge me for the boots.
It wasn't as if I had gone home and noticed.
I was literally at the store just across from it.
I had a sudden flashback. Many years ago, I was shopping in Target...Tarjet! The cashier handed me back over $20 too much...I got in my car and when I realized it, I returned it back to her. I wondered if I hadn't returned it, perhaps she'd get in trouble...what if she was a single mother and she got fired and now can't take care of her kid all because she made an error? Yes...I have a vivid imagineation. I returned the money and she looked at me like, "Really? Are you for real?" Yes, lady, I'm for real. LOL I was proud of myself that day...I was able to think about it and not feel bad, because I'd done the right thing.
But I was so upset now....why??? Why? Why didn't she ring up the boots...it has to be mistake...I look for the sku number of the boots to match anything on the receipt...Nada, nothing, zilch, niet! Damn. Then Brenda said one word to me, while I was pensive...it shut up the little devil on my shoulder real quick: KARMA...In an instant I was sobered from my confusion....oh, hell no, nothing bad coming back to me anyday soon! I walked right over.
"Excuse me, Miss, you never charged me for the boots."
"Oh! Wow! "
She was quiet.
Still quiet.
"Well, thank you so much for your honesty."
There was another woman standing behind me, shaking her head, most likely thinking, "You's a fool, sangana!! You idiot...oh, hell no, I'd be keeping that right there...feel bad, me? No. Nah-ah!"
She rang it up..I sadly gave her the cash. She thanked me again...and gave me a $4 discount, lol.
As much as it hurt, because at the moment I was thinking..."not my fault if she didnt' notice...wow...free boots!" But my spirit just wouldn't let me. Believe me this blog would be a blog of shame if I didn't return them...anyway, I plan on wearing them on Saturday..with PRIDE!!! They really are HOT freaking boots!!! So I ask you...what would you do?
Ladies and gentlemen, sometimes you walk into a store...and you find nothing, nada, zilch! And then sometimes, on a rare occasion, you can strike gold!! Today, I walked into the very first store and hit the jackpot!! Immediately I found two outfits, matching jewelry...but wait.
Oh..
My...
God...
(angels singing over my head). There they were.
Black, leather, over the knee with peek-a-boo-toe boots! You don't understand...to the average girl..no big deal. But I have horses' calves...no matter what size I've been - whether a 14 (which is average for my 5'9" height) or an 18...doesn't matter. I can NEVER buy boots like that as much as I like them...but thanks to the "plus size boot", with extra room for muscularly curvy calves...that's what I call mine, I was able to try them on...and of course they go perfect with my outfit! How much, you ask?? Ready? $68! That's it!? Oh, now I HAD to buy them....
The cashier was completely alone...the other worker never showed up and she was literally doing the work of 3 women...I finally walked up to her and made my purchase...
Final price: $233.
My friend and I looked at each other in amazement! Wow...all that stuff: boots, shoes, 5 tops, a belt, 2 rings. That was GREAT...the tops were not cheap...so I thought in my head a total of close to $400 or so. Immediately my friend and I went to another shoe store. I know, I know...I already bought 2 pairs...
But you know what I just LOVE about shoes? They always fit...I can be size 14, 16, 18, 20...whatever..but the shoes...they fit!! LOL Okay back to the story.
We walked into another shoe store, where I was trying on a pair of HOT silver shoes and gold ankle booties...we were still stunned that the total amount of my purchase was so low...so my friend pulls out the receipt...Because I am a frequent shopper, I immediately get 5% off my purchase. So my friend starts reading it aloud...then she got quiet.
"What, Brenda?"
"Um, Judy..she didn't charge you for the boots."
"Yes, she did...of course she did...they were HUGE boots...how could she not see them?"
I grab the receipt. My eyes dart all over the piece of paper, desperate to find the proof.
Shoot...she didn't charge me for the boots.
It wasn't as if I had gone home and noticed.
I was literally at the store just across from it.
I had a sudden flashback. Many years ago, I was shopping in Target...Tarjet! The cashier handed me back over $20 too much...I got in my car and when I realized it, I returned it back to her. I wondered if I hadn't returned it, perhaps she'd get in trouble...what if she was a single mother and she got fired and now can't take care of her kid all because she made an error? Yes...I have a vivid imagineation. I returned the money and she looked at me like, "Really? Are you for real?" Yes, lady, I'm for real. LOL I was proud of myself that day...I was able to think about it and not feel bad, because I'd done the right thing.
But I was so upset now....why??? Why? Why didn't she ring up the boots...it has to be mistake...I look for the sku number of the boots to match anything on the receipt...Nada, nothing, zilch, niet! Damn. Then Brenda said one word to me, while I was pensive...it shut up the little devil on my shoulder real quick: KARMA...In an instant I was sobered from my confusion....oh, hell no, nothing bad coming back to me anyday soon! I walked right over.
"Excuse me, Miss, you never charged me for the boots."
"Oh! Wow! "
She was quiet.
Still quiet.
"Well, thank you so much for your honesty."
There was another woman standing behind me, shaking her head, most likely thinking, "You's a fool, sangana!! You idiot...oh, hell no, I'd be keeping that right there...feel bad, me? No. Nah-ah!"
She rang it up..I sadly gave her the cash. She thanked me again...and gave me a $4 discount, lol.
As much as it hurt, because at the moment I was thinking..."not my fault if she didnt' notice...wow...free boots!" But my spirit just wouldn't let me. Believe me this blog would be a blog of shame if I didn't return them...anyway, I plan on wearing them on Saturday..with PRIDE!!! They really are HOT freaking boots!!! So I ask you...what would you do?
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
VIDEO SHOOT - DAY TWO Part 2 - That's a Wrap!!!
Bedroom Scene...
Didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. Now I was in bed with a stranger..a good looking stranger, but still a stranger...someone I'd only met a week ago. So weird! It gave me renewed respect for actors when they have to do love scenes. I fought the whole thing in the beginning. I knew the air conditioner was on, but i was freaking boiling, or was I blushing. Gosh, everyone isjust staring...I dont know what I did to get through it, but I finally forgot all the faces staring and finally got into actress mode. I decided: THIS IS FOR THE FAT GIRLS!!" And just like that, I got over it. I cannot tell you the whole thing, it will be more fun to watch when the video's ready I believe. Besides you won't want the milk if I tell you all about the cow now!! But I'll tell you Milk DOES a body good, lol...Okay, I"ll stop now!
Honestly, the most difficult part about the whole day was having to remain in a state of sadness, frustraton...it became quite depressing. At first it was hard to be "sad" all the time...I needed motivation. I recalled the last time I was betrayed by my ex-boyfriend...and it's enough to make any woman cry....the tears are automatically summoned...
I was tired...I was hungry...I was emotionally drained. But now it was time for the "Breakdown scene." Because certain props were limited in numbers, I only had two chances to get it perfect. I was so tired, and to borrow Lisa Lisa's song, I was "All Cried Out." I simply had no more tears...but it had to happen.
I had nothing..but something happened in an instant on the very first take...not only did I have a breakdown but I couldn't stop crying..it was oddly therapeutic..it was as if there was a secret sadness hiding inside of me and it was allowed room to breathe...We did it once more for more footage just in case...and then I heard the magic words. "That's a wrap!!!" Yea! We all had a shot of Tequila Rosa in celebration of the moment...now what the heck am I going to do in the next few days? This was so exciting it had a kind of addictive quality...oh, yea I forgot, I was cast in a movie, Elliot Loves, as Aunt Nani...can't wait to do that!!
Didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. Now I was in bed with a stranger..a good looking stranger, but still a stranger...someone I'd only met a week ago. So weird! It gave me renewed respect for actors when they have to do love scenes. I fought the whole thing in the beginning. I knew the air conditioner was on, but i was freaking boiling, or was I blushing. Gosh, everyone isjust staring...I dont know what I did to get through it, but I finally forgot all the faces staring and finally got into actress mode. I decided: THIS IS FOR THE FAT GIRLS!!" And just like that, I got over it. I cannot tell you the whole thing, it will be more fun to watch when the video's ready I believe. Besides you won't want the milk if I tell you all about the cow now!! But I'll tell you Milk DOES a body good, lol...Okay, I"ll stop now!
Honestly, the most difficult part about the whole day was having to remain in a state of sadness, frustraton...it became quite depressing. At first it was hard to be "sad" all the time...I needed motivation. I recalled the last time I was betrayed by my ex-boyfriend...and it's enough to make any woman cry....the tears are automatically summoned...
I was tired...I was hungry...I was emotionally drained. But now it was time for the "Breakdown scene." Because certain props were limited in numbers, I only had two chances to get it perfect. I was so tired, and to borrow Lisa Lisa's song, I was "All Cried Out." I simply had no more tears...but it had to happen.
VIDEO SHOOT - DAY 2 Part 1: You Want Me To What?!?!?
Thursday, July 29, 2010:
I woke up dragging just a little, but still excited to complete filming...today would be about dialogue and acting. The entire day I am acutely aware of "The Breakdown" scene. By far I thought that would be the most challenging...I was sort of wrong.
I arrived on set in Brooklyn to find lots and lots of film equipment scattered all over, claiming possession of the area the way a dog marks its territory. Immediately got my make up done, and then was given my wardrobe, or shall I say lack thereof. Wow...this is new...hm. But if I'm gonna make this video work I wear what I'm told to wear...there's a reason for everything. Everything on film is premediated - from the wardrobe to the scenery to the script...so the show must go on. No one seemed to gawk in horror so after a few minutes I grew comfortable with my "morning after" look. Waseem showed up, and all were present...the set was ready to go..it was about noon when we finally began filming the scene and suddenly it went all dim...we had a problem with lighthing which set the filming back a bit. By the time we were getting warmed up into the scene, I had to leave. I had to go to WKTU to moderate a live online chat with Lisa Lisa and George Lamond to discuss Beatstock, KTU's biggest summer concert of the year! I felt so guilty that I had to leave, but work first...lol. I left at 1:30pm.
I got to KTU and saw Lisa Lisa first. I love her so much. I remember when I was 17, I was working as a cashier in a drug store in the Bronx, Star Drug. Whenever Lisa Lisa's Can You Feel The Beat came on, I stopped what I was doing and sang it in aisle 2 with a broom in my hand! The song made me so happy..and here I am 25 years later, hanging out with her!! She is as real as anyone can be - she's funny, down toearth and she tells it like it is...no excuses; no apologies! George Lamond came shortly after and as usual he always makes me laugh. Moderating the online chat was just as comfortable as hanging out with them at a coffee shop. I said my goodbyes and rushed back to the set about 3:40pm.
Back onset, Waseem, the actor playing my husband in the video, and I ran through our scene a couple of times and I was impressed with how natural his acting was. There was no facade, no faking...he was himself. His natural energy made filming the scenes so much easier...We got really into the scenes and after a while, I thought, "wow. this doesn't feel like work at all! This is FUN! I could do this all day." In between takes, Waseem and I got to talking...He spoke about his childhood, his culture (he's from Pakistan) and I was loving the fact that although we come from different religious beliefs, we agreed on so many things. What was most impressive about Waseem (pronounced Vaseem) was how he spoke about his girlfriend! Everytime he spoke about her, his face lit up! He smiled everytime he talked about her, and talked about her from day 1. Let's be honest, ladies, it's not everyday we hear a man brag about his woman. He talked about how supportive she's been and I understand she was with him the day he came in to audition...she rehearsed lines with him....that is so aweseome!! Later on, I found myself wondering, "Why haven't I met someone who feels that way about me? Where the hell is he? And then, I was brought back to reality very quickly when the director said, "Okay, people, we're now moving on to the bedroom scene!"
Huh?
The what??
Um, the what?
Inside I was screaming, Noooooo!!! But I remained silent. I calmed down when I told myself that it probably didn't incude me...that it was probably a scene just for Waseem. After all, he's the one with the great physique...Boy was I wrong...
I went into panic on overdrive! I started freaking out internally. I can't do this!! No freaking way! No one told me about this! I felt oddly betrayed but at the same time, it presented a new challenge and I'd never been here in my life before. I walked over to Waseem...
"Waseem, can I talk to you for a sec?"
"Sure..what's up?"
"Is your girlfriend okay with you doing this?"
"Oh, yeah! For sure..she's very supportive."
Hm, I thought...he's never had a Puerto Rican girlfriend, lol! For the first time, I was glad I had no boyfriend to get angry with me for doing a sexy scene like this. I wouldn't have to defend myself, and convince him that "it was nothing!" But I was still freaking out! Then I went there...to the ugly place..I;m going to look like a big fat whale!! Oh, God! Once again, I walked over to Waseem.
"You sure?"
"Yes...We're gonna do great...no worries."
Sure easy for you to say, Hercules..easy for you, you look like an actor in Spartacus! And then I said something so stupid Istill cannot believe the words emerged from my mouth.
"You're not disguested by me?"
"No..of course not."
I did NOT feel assured. Truth is I usually am pretty confident about my body, but not when it's so publicly done.
Next thing I know, I'm being propped up on pillows, under a sheet and in a bra...and there are like 15 people standing around. I was in bed...I haven't been in bed like this...well let's just say it's been centuries...
Director: "Okay, Waseem you're going to take your shirt off and lean over her."
Oh, Dear God...get me through this...This is CRAZY!!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
VIDEO SHOOT DAY 1 - PART 2. Cupcakes, Company & Complexes!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010 - Afternoon/Evening
It seemed as if I really couldn't walk...that's how bad my feet hurt. My podiatrist told me a couple of years ago, that I'd worn out the natural padding on the feet that help absorb shock from all the years of wearing heels and jumping up and down, but I had to!! LOL. I was helped down off the crate, and was just about seriously ready to cry, when I saw everyone get kind of quiet. There was a hush about the room. The people from Cupcake Stop Bakery entered the room: Lev Ekster, Todd Marcus, and Chris Mitchell (chef). They opened up a large box and to my surprise, there they were - custom made, red velvet cupcakes that said "Judy Torres - Stay" all over them!! Cupcake Stop began in 2009 and is already growing Nationwide with many celebrities flocking to their shops...even I knew about them, and couldn't believe my eyes when I saw their logo!! LOL....They presented the cupcakes to me, ; they said they were huge fans of mine!! And for just one moment, I forgot about the pain in my right foot. I thanked them, hugged them, and of course, I HAD to eat one!! Wow...what a great surprise! They took me to the side to discuss an idea they have to name cupcakes after me!! OMG! That is just outrageous...and I already had lots of ideas! Just great! I thanked them again, and proceeded to the VIP room, where the winners were. I had plans for them too!
I arranged gift bags for them, that I personally made! In them were thank you cards, a Judy Torres Stay t-shirt just like the ones worn by the crew, a signed cd of Stay and a framed autograph pic! I walked into the VIP room and handed them out to each one! I explained what I loved most about their photo submissions. I wanted to eat with them, but they'd already eaten, lol...it was late. But I sat with them, and chatted, answering any questions they had. We got into a serious conversation about a stalking experience I had many years ago (another blog, I know, lol) and we discussed multiple sclerosis and how it can affect my vision, etc. But all in all, we all laughed, and we even filmed a video together singing along with Stay! I had such a good time, and it was everything I'd hoped for. I hope they enjoyed it as much as I did...I also hope it was a good experience for them!
Going back on set, I changed into my 3rd or 4th outfit. Can't remember because I changed so many times. LOL. But this particular look I do remember because I was told that I would be singing it to the acapella. I was told to not move - not to move my hands or face...just to sing straight to the camera. And as the music began, I don't know what came over me, but I began to remember some issues in my last relationship and just felt like I was going to lose it. But I looked into that camera and allowed myself to feel what I felt even if I did what Oprah calls "the ugly cry."
In between breaks, while I was changing and getting make up and hair redone, the crew was filming Raena Rosa and Waseem Khawaja, the actors we hired to be in the video to play the wife and husband/boyfriend respectively! During filming we discovered an amazing surprise, which I will keep under wraps and wait until the documentary comes out, lol. I only got to thank Raena...and heard she did an amazing job!
Now it was time for me to do the "interaction scene"...the first time I would do any filming with the actor playing my boyfriend in the video. I'd met with him a few days before, just so I could chat and get to know him, but I didn't even know what the directors had planned for this so-called interacton scene. I got on set, and we were told that we would be dancing, ensuring lots of eye contact and passion...LOL...Um, ok. For a moment, I felt very shy. Waseem (pronounced Vaseem) was a very sweet guy - not intimidating in anyway, and yet, I was a little uncomfortable. Many years ago, I played Queen in a musical called The Life, and every night of performance I had to kiss this man I barely knew...I'm talking all out making out!! And, I hate to say it, but he had onion breath every night! It was hard, but I got through it...you do what you have to do all in the name of performing! So, recalling that situation, I immediately asked for gum, as we were walked through the scene.
I needed mood music...you know? I asked for some music and we chose "My Baby You" by Marc Anthony and "Carry Out" by Justin Timberlake/Timbaland...yea, that'll work! LOL. So here we are...Waseem and I...dancing, arm and arm...and my head was down...I don't know what was wrong...I'm a pro...it's not like I'd never done that before, but for some reason, I was looking down. The director, called for cut, and walked over to me. The song Stay is about the "other woman" singing to her boyfriend, asking him to Stay with her. He's married, obviously, and in the end of the song she realizes she's doing the wrong thing for herself and leaves him. So, the director came over to me, and said, "Okay, Judy. You're acting like the wife with your head down...you're the other woman here...you need to show more passion, more connection..." Suck it up, Judy! Get out of your head and just do it! So when the music began again, I just decided to enjoy myself. It is a little strange to have a stranger holding you, looking at you with desire, and it's a little strange reciprocating. Some actually call that acting, but I think doing this made me question if I was desirable? That's it...my insecurities about my weight, about my face, about me...they all came up.
I told that negative voice to shut up; that I was tyring to do a video here, and just like that, it was gone. I went for it...even telling myself, if he makes out with me, as Joy Behar from the View says, "So what? Who cares?" LOL. I admit, it felt natural, and Waseem is easy on the eyes too, lol...NO don't go there, people, there is no interest - he has a girlfriend!! LOL...I do admit he's a fine man...both inside and out...
The fans began to leave one by one between 5 & 6pm...I can't blame them - long day! But I said goodbye, signed more autographs for them and thanked them once again. We did the last take and it was finally said, "Okay, people...we're done! We do this again tomorrow!" Oh, man..my feet hurt so bad! I checked my messages!! Oh, my God! I forgot to send my showtape with my manager's assistant to the producer of Beatstock...they needed that hours ago! I had 48 emails and 2 from my manager pretty mad at me! I immediately asked for help and between the director and the Bravo staff, we had it emailed out right away.
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