UNWANTED GUILT- MUCH NEEDED CELEBRATION

July 20th...
Lane Bryant GENEROUSLY decided to furnish my wardrobe for the video shoot for Stay on the 27th & 28th.  That is unbelieveable and FREAKING GREAT!!!  Myself, the director for the video and the stylist went to Lane Bryant on Fulton Street in Brooklyn. It's like stepping into plus sized Mecca heaven!  Two floors of plus sized everything!  Just great!  Spent 5 1/2 hours trying on clothes.  At first it seems fun and easy, but it does get quite exhausting, but a blessing nonetheless.

I call my father to wish him Happy Birthday. "Hi, Papi! Happy Birthday I'm sorry I won't be able to see you today but I sent you a package express.  Did you get iit?"
Silence.
"What's wrong, papi?  You're not happy."
"No...I'm not."
"Why what's wrong?"
Insert guilt-inducing comment here - here it comes:
"Well, I'm a year older and my daughter isn't coming to see me because she's got so many things to do."
Ding, ding...you are correct...tell her what she's won, Bob!
Ugh...why do I get the guilt trip?  Sometimes nothing pleases him - as bad as I try, I never succeed. 
"Sorry, papi...as soon as I get the chance, I'll take you out. I love you. Gotta go.  I had mentioned the audition and he didn't even wish me luck.  Oh, well.

Went to a production meeting, and exhausted.
Then went to a party for Elliot Loves hosted by Hennessy.  I had been invited the day I auditioned.  It was in a stylish and chic lounge, and the entire cast was there. Terracino, the director, was so excited to see me, and introduced me to everyone, and told me, I need to speak with you before you leave.  Great - there's hope yet!!  I mingled.  There I saw Javier, the make up artist for the movie who had initially suggested me for the role.  I thanked him, hugged him and had a great time.  As I was bidding goodbye, Terracino simply said, "Thank you for coming...I'll send you an email tomorrow. Drats - more waiting.

July 21st:
Voice is almost gone.
Received a phone call last minute about a show that SAME evening! OMG, how the heck am I going to pull it off?
Get a phone call from Terracino, explaining to me that because our schedules conflict and he needs a LOT of rehearsasl time with whomever plays Aunt Carmen - he could not offer me the part. 
By then, I had already pretty much figured I didn't get the part.  Disappointed, but I was at peace with it.  But then, to my surprise, he said, "Judy, we want you on this movie, and we think you would do a GREAT job playing Aunt Nani!"  What????  Oh, wow!  I got the part in a movie?  A real movie?    
"Oh, my God!  Thank you so much!  This is GREAT!!"
"We just felt it when you walked in....star quality..." I know he was saying great things, but my ears had gone deaf from the sheer joy I was feeling.  I'm going to be in a movie!! I can now die and say, "yes, I was in a movie once!" 
He told me he'd send me revisions of the script and welcomed me.  I called my mom and told her the news and she was ecstatic for me. Then, because of my voice being so fragile, I thougth it would be a good idea to post it on facebook to avoid having to call 25 people.  Um, boy was I wrong. I won't go into the gory details, but I think I lost a very good friend from this decision...she was angry that I had not opted to call her.  In this moment where I was so exhilarated, my joy was almost killed by one person's reacton...but take it from me...I deserve to be happy and at that moment, I did what I thought I needed to do to save my voice.
I cannot wait for the day to come (in August), when I hear, "Lights. Camera. Action...take one!!!"  Yeah, baby!!!                         

THE AUDITION

July 19, 2010
Part 2 of 2:

I arrive at the office, bumping into the director in the elevator by accident. I was taken to the 6th floor. I was a little nervous, but I reminded myself how badly I wanted this, and it was imperative to maintain confidence, calm and show them the best "me" I could. We walk into the room -the director, Gary Terracino. the lead actor, Fabio Costabrado and me. First thing Terracino says, "You're beautiful...this is perfect, EXACTLY the look I'm looking for!!!" All I could think was, thank God...if he just knew what had been told to me. We began reading, and he was such a welcoming person with such a positive energy - he made it very calming for anyone who would be nervous. We had fun, and I thought that Aunt Carmen, the character I was reading for, was a combination of "Hilda", Ugly Betty's sister and Rosie Perez...so that's how I read her....but then Terracino said, "That's good...but Aunt Carmen is precise; she does everything with purpose.." Okay, I can do that...we read some more. Then he says, "Aunt Carmen is intimidating." Ooh, that's a toughie...we had been in there for an hour or so, and it had been years since I auditioned for anything.  It was hot! I was tired. Intimidating...hm, a quality I lack. I have been intimidating in the business, but only because of the name...not because of my personality.

I was quickly brought back to my college acting class at Lehman College in the Bronx, with Professor Bill. We did scenes, workshops, and sometimes improvisation...I was good at all of it. The only area that needed improvement was, excuse my language, was when I needed to be a "bitch,." Just didn't know how...I always got stuck with that.  I wasn't allowed to show anger as a kid, and spent a lot of my life intmidated by many. I was always stuck when I had to be the bad girl.

Once the director said the word, intimidating, I talked myself into thinking that I could do it. After all, I only had to recall certain relatives, who at this time shall remain nameless, lol.  I did my best. The more direction he gave me, the more convinced I felt. But then I began to forget...um, who do I look at again? How did you want me to deliver the line? I was overwhelmed...Terracino shook my hand and said, "I'll send you an email tomorrow and let you know what we decide." Damn.  That's where I thought I tanked.  I thanked them and before closing the door I said, "By the way, if you give me this role, I will work hard, take direction and will do even better!!!" Duh, Judy, why did you do that?? Ugh, it's just like the person who audtions on American Idol and says, "Can I sing another song? I'll do better.." Oh, my God.

I got into my car and began shaking...my hands, my legs. And then they came. The dam of tears fially broke, and the flood gates were opened!! I cried, then cried some more...then pulled over and cried. But what the hell was I crying about?? I don't mind crying with reason and intention, but when I cry like this, I feel very lost.  Was I so sleep deprived that I was overly sensitive? Was it that I wanted this role so bad, I was scared I'd messed up in the end, and wouldn't get it? Was it that I had suppressed the nervousness so much, it had to come out in another way? Was it that I pushed away my tears at the meeting with my manager? Was it that my brain kept hearing the echo of my manager's voice:  "What are we going to do about "this?"" "Was it that I felt incredibly alone with my emotions?" So I called my best friend & I cried...I almost couldn't even speak. He listened...never interrupting me. He just listened and told me to let it all out. Then he assured me that he knows I'm talented; he was disturbed and angry about what had been said to me about my weight. The beauty of a best friend like him is that he has NEVER seen my weight; he has only seen my heart! He sees ME! He knows who I am...and without him I would've drowned in my own tears that night. "Don't worry, Judy. Go home and rest. I love you...call me if you need me."

I went home, telling myself that I have to leave it in God's hands...told myself that whatever will be will be, and I told myself that I did my very best, and as long as I walked away knowing that, that was all that matters. I told myself that there is a reason for everything, and that if I did not get the part of Aunt Carmen, Aunt Carmen taught me a valuable lesson today - I gotta learn to be a little more aggressive when necesssary. Then I prayed, "Thank you, God, for this UNBELIEVEABLE opportunity brought to me today! I am amazed at all YOU have done for me and I give you praise, honor and glory!...I know that I tend to talk to you more when I need you than when I don't, but I need You, for real!! LOL...I'm sorry...You know how much this means to me. I want this SO bad! Please, please, please, if it is Your will, please reach into their hearts and help them believe in me enough to give me that chance. I leave it in Your hands now and I thank You again!...In Jesus' name...amen." There. That should do it.

That's what you call faith. Isn't it?  Believing in what you cannot see?  There is a scripture in the Bible that says, "If you have faith as little as a mustard seed...it shall be given to you." Or something like that...sorry not good on the Bible quotes all the time. Have you seen a mustard seed? It is VERY, VERY tiny. So I leave it in His hands...believe you already have it, Judy. Trust.

Hm, lol...and then I couldn't sleep!! Too freaking worried and anxious...I just wanted it so bad....so much for having mustard seed faith.

RUNNING ON WAITED TIME...I MEAN WEIGHTED TIME!!

Monday, July 19, 2010
Part 1 of 2:

Woke up in a frenzy...lots going on today. Completely sleep-deprived from all the anxiety about the audition today.  Invited by his sister, I was visiting a fan who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer to raise his spirits!  It was more than an hour's driving distance, and thanks to my trusty gps ( It is trusty most of the time), it kept making me make weird u-turns that made no sense at all.  Anyway, I arrived to their house and the look in his face was worth the entire trip. I would've driven 10 hours to see that look!  Apparently he had met me before, last year, I believe, at the Feast of Santa Rosalia, and took pictures with me then.  He and his sister had framed the pictures as proof.  We all spoke for a while - he was adorable; looked at me with eyes full of admiration, which I found very flattering.  After some conversation and laughs, his mother asked us to the table.  They were a beautiful family, obviously full of love and concern for him.  I hadn't really eaten, so when we sat down I was delighted and surprised.  She had made Arroz con pollo (chicken with yellow rice), salad and pasteles (sorry, don't really know how to describe it in English, except to say they're sort of "wet" burritos made with plaintains, meat and spices.) I don't like pasteles - lol - the only part of me that is not Puerto Rican apparently.  I shared a very personal story with them, hoping to inspire him to fight the good fight and come out winning, and I prayed over him before I left.

Rushing to get back home, I had 27 emails, many of which were from my management. Why so many emails?  Could one conversation have fulfilled the gamut of emails and questions?  I began feeling overwhelmed .  There was traffic everywhere!!! The plan was to come home, change, and read over the script, practice my lines for the movie I would be auditioning for in a few hours, go to my manager's office for a meeting, go to WKTU to record some commercials, and then go to the audition.  Well, due to traffic, I was running late. I got home, and all I could do was feel angry that I didn't have any time to go over the lines the way I wanted.  I had a headache and for some unknown reason, felt tears coming up...is it pms?  Nope...too soon, lol.

Got to my manager's office on time; don't know how, but I was grateful.  We sit, we discuss everything coming up...seemed like a good meeting.  Note to you:  When it seems like all is well in a professional meeting, just say goodbye and go!!  Please do not do what I did right here -
I asked my manager, "Anything else?"
"Well, actually..."
I looked at him with questioning eyes...
With his left hand, he makes a big circle around me , and while he circles, he says, "So, what are going to do...(beat of silence)...about THIS?"
Huh?  Internal Puerto Rican voice - Oh, NO You di-n't!
He didn't have to elaborate...I knew EXACTLY where he was running with it.
'What's going on, Judy?  You have to lose weight. There are opportunities out there, coming soon, and you have to be your best, look your best...you're a beautiful woman..

Ok, hold on...
Do you know how many men have told me, "You're a beautiful woman...but"
or "You've got a beautiful face...but"
or here's the kicker:  "If you just lost like 30 pounds, I'd go out with you."
It's so hard to hear him speak and not remember all those ugly conversations with others.  I know my manager means well - he knows there are sharks out there, just dying to attack.  He knows my opportunites can be closed off because of my "chunky but funkiness."  But it's not freaking fair.
 "With all due respect, I told you when I first came to you, that you are dealing with a plus sized woman...I told you I probably always will be..and you agreed to it..."
"I know, but this next opportunity is big. - You know?"
"I know."
"You know?"
"I KNOW!!!."  I did all I could to NOT cry in front of him. I would not. I would not cry and allow mascara to bleed down my face when I know I have to go to an audition after this.  That's one of the hardes things you must learn in this business - postponing your true feelings much of the time, and putting on your everything-is-happy-and-beautiful face.  I don't know how I did it, but I agreed to do my best and left that office, commanding myself to put what he said aside until after the audition was over.  I want to make this very clear to you - I LOVE my manager! He is a very good man - and has defended me, protected me and let me admit, has helped me make the money I make to survive.  He encourages me, lifts me up and has introduced me to GREAT people! Please don't write me calling him a jerk, lol!  Please, but, my God, how did Queen Latifah and Mo'nique do it???  Left for WKTU, did the commercials...now the audition.

                               

A NEW DOOR - UNEXPECTED EMAIL

Thursday, July 15th:
I was really anticipating the day because it was the day we auditioned the actors for the Stay Video.  You already know we chose a woman to play the wife, and a man to play the husband...remember I called hmi "Best Guy?"  LOL.  It was shortly after the auditioning, that I was asked for my email address by the director of the Stay Video.  It was an exhausting day because we auditioned everyone; did a screen test, had dinner and debated for almost 3 hours who would be best to play the boyfriend.  I got home late.  It was close to 1am.  I cleaned up a little around the house, and was going to bed...but I checked my email on a whim.  Here is an excerpt:

Dear Judy Torres

My good friend Javier Rosa just passed your info on to me. Javier is working on my feature, "Elliot Loves" and suggested you to us for the role of "Aunt Carmen."


The script for "Elliot Loves" has won several awards. The film stars Elena Goode ("As the World Turns") and two-time Tony Award nominee Robin de Jesus ("In the Heights" and "La Cage Aux Folles"). Kerry Barden -- who cast "Pineapple Express", "Boys Don't Cry" and the TV series "Sex and the City" -- is our casting director. We are now half-done with the movie....to recast the role of "Aunt Carmen." When Javier suggested you, we all thought it was a great idea - and would love to meet with you to discuss.  Please look through the script above. "Aunt Carmen" first appears on page 34. If you are interested, you can come in and meet with me informally at our offices...Terracino.

OH, MY GOD!  All that exhaustion I had felt went on immediate vacation.  I read the 97 pages of script and when I read Aunt Carmen, her character was GREAT!!  She was funny, strong, vibrant, reminding me of so many latina relatives and friends I've come across in life. I HAD to have that part!!  I emailed back around 2:30 in the morning, expressing my joy & interest.  The writer/director. Gary Terracino, emailed me immediately and a date for a reading/audition was made for Monday, July 19th. Less than a week away...less than a week to read, and re-read, to study her character, to decide who she is, etc...all while still preparing for the video, answering fan mail, working at KTU AND performing.  No problem, I can do this...I HAVE to do this.  I used a quote on Facebook not too long ago, stating that it's not just about the opportunity that shows up, but more about whether or not you're ready. I thought, I will be ready.

In high school, I was in all the musicals - I LOVE musical theater, and in college, I studied acting for 2 1/2 years...begain auditioning and always got called back, but never quite landed the parts I wanted.  So, here I am now, probably almost 15 years since I've auditioned for anything.  Thank God I was kind to all the people who auditioned that day, because karma does show up when you least expect it.

Wow...I could be in a movie; a REAL movie - with accomplished actors and award winning script!  This could be the beginning of GREAT things to come!  I might even get a SAG card, allowing me to audition for lots of other projects!!  Yes!! Oh, yes, I emailed Javier Rosa, the make up artist, to thank him profusely for even mentioning my name - he only met me one time!  That is, pardon my french, so freaking sweet of him!!!  I am so honored by his kindness!  Be good to people you meet the first time, you never know...lol.  That is just amazing!  God is so good!!!

If you'd like info on the movie and/or would like to find out how to help fund the completion of the film, dn even get credit as a producer, please click this link. Muah!   http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1360637681/elliot-loves-keep-it-cutepapi-a-feature-film-in-pr

I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!!!

Please forgive me...I'm very behind with blogging. The day was July 10th, 2010...

I was performing with the band, Mirage, at the Venetian in Garfield, NJ for a wedding reception.  During our soundcheck, when I was stepping down these 3 little stairs, I noticed the first two steps were slightly tilted downward and the last step to the ground was a larger space from the previous two.  Hm, I thought, that could be dangerous.  I was careful to ask one of the men from Mirage to help me down.  I was walking toward the exit to go to the restroom and BAM! I tripped over this large metal pole that is responsible for holding up the light set.  So I laughed at myself the way I always do when I trip.  Truth is all my life, I've been known to be quite the Puerto Rican Erkel!!  - I always tripped over my own feet, walked into lamp posts and am infamously nown for not being able to walk a straight line whenever any of my ex-boyfriends walked with me sisde by side.  It's as if I walking after 3 or 4 shots, except I haven't had any. LOL.  A few minutes later, I was walking toward the stage, and you guessed it, I tripped again, OVER THE SAME POLE! But this time I fell.  One of the band members who I call Uncle Ralph didn't see me fall.  But he looked down and saw me on the floor....AND KEPT WALKING!!  I was like, um "hello, hello anyone I"m on the floor!"  LOL.

We had just finished a GREAT set in front of about 250 people! We were taking a break, and I changed into my flip-flops, and you know I'm known for putting on the chancletas when my feet ache.  While I was changing, the band members began moving into the other room for a dinner break.  I have the flip flops on and I look at those 3 little steps.  I tell myself, Judy, be careful and take your time.  There is no bannister or anything to hold on to. No big deal..you got this."  I felt like Britney Spears because as I was falling in what felt like slow motion, all I heard in my mind was, "Oops, I think I did it again."  BOOM!! I went down, this time with my left ankle completely betraying me and turning inward COMPLETELY!  Aw, damn, this is gonna be bad.  I couldn't move because the burning sensation was just too much to take.  I just couldn't find it in me to get up. As I cursed myself for being so careless after forewarning myself, I looked up and noticed that in the crowd of 250 people - NO ONE SAW ME!!  I felt so freaking invisible!!  Um, hello, anybody? Is chivalry dead?  But perhaps it was a blessing because it save me more embarrasment anyway.  Suddenly I look to my left and I saw Mauro, our band director and pianist. Like a true Italian, he says, "Eh, Judy, what are you doing on the floor??"  God, this was THE moment to be sarcastic. I wanted to say, "Duh, You think??? I fell!"  But I left out the "duh-you think" and just said, "I fell." 

Mauro was as compassionate as could be.  He assisted me up and walked me into the room where the band was having dinner, and everyone said, "Oh, my God, Judy! What happened?" I told them I fell for the 3rd and 4th embarrassing time, and then Uncle Ralph, with the timing of a sitcom, says, "Is that why you were on the floor???"  LOL "I thought you were changing your shoes?"  I thought to myself...on the floor?? LOL           

Here's where the funny part gets serious! On average I am pretty clumsy, but when I become too clumsy, it can be a warning sign for me.  The last time I bumped into, tripped over, and fell onto a lot of things all in one day, about a week later, I had my first attack of optic neuritis. In English, the nerve in my brain that allows me to see became so inflamed that I went blind in that eye.  It caused irreversible damage to the nerve and to this day, I don't see too well out of that eye. I cannot read with it at all.  My point is, the optic neuritis put me in the hospital, where MRIs were done, and I was finally diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.  So yes, it's funny when I start bumping into things and fall down for stupid reasons, but no, it's not funny when it makes me wonder if an attack is coming on.  That is what I have to be wary of...an attack can come about when the body is overstressed or when the mind is overstressed, and I've been stressed in both ways for almost 2 months now.  Once the filming of the video is done and Beatstock has passed, I MUST take a couple of days to do nothing. Falling down's not so bad, I just don't want it to get me down, know what I mean?

SURPRISES & STAY

It was Saturday, July 17th (you can see I'm like SOOO behind, lol).  Once again, there was lots to do, but for someone else, not for me: for a very devoted fan, Leslie Guttenplan.  Leslie, like other fans, is so loyal and dedicated.  She was so excited about this show at Stone Tavern, in Queens, NY, that she was even instructing other fans on my Facebook page how to get there; giving them a countdown too! LOL. She's even a follower on this blog (yes, Leslie, I see you)!!

So I had just ordered new publicity photos, and they'd just arrived. I signed one for her, framed it.  Then I went to the florist and bought a dozen red and yellow roses.  I purchased a gift bag, and included a signed new cd of Stay with a postcard thanking her.  Got a manicure, pedicure and once again wondered what the hell I was going to wear that night.  A harmless trip to Rainbow answered half of that question, lol. Yes, I go to Rainbow sometimes too - ...I call those trips "keeping it real!"

The limo picked us up - my road manager, my best friends and me...we were filming some behind the scenes footage, and had a great laugh over the differences of points of view between my road manager, David, and me.  We were in horrible traffic, but time spent with friends flies each and every time.  Just as the limo approached the entrance, my friend said to me, "Hey, Judy, look who's outside."  I couldn't see through the tinted window. I squinted, I pressed my face up against the window, but to no avail.  The director for the video of Stay had arranged a surprise for me.  Stepping out of the limo...oh...oh...wow!!!  It was Mystique Guy!! Damn, do I have enough lipstick on??? I maintained exposure, but inside I was freaking out!!

We were escorted upstairs to the VIP area, and I was immediately suffocated by the cigarettes (which is the WORST thing for your voice) and almost smothered by the people there-a good and sometimes overwhelming experience.  As quick as I arrived, I was taking pictures and more pictures and more pictures.  I saw Leslie there - great, I thought, she made it!  I said hello to her and promised to speak with her after the show. I was afraid the whole time that she would see my giftt for her.  I sat down and wondered...okay, how do I begin speaking with Mystique Guy?  He's just too cute...very well-spoken - I don't know...he gets me a little twisted. Actually, now that I think about it...he looks a little like Navy Guy!  Revelation - revelation! Duh. LOL.

On stage, before singing Stay for the first time, I told the audience how great Leslie has been, what a great fan she is, and how she promoted the show like crazy, etc.  I asked her to come up, and gave her the gift.  Her smile was worth it all and SO much more! The show was great - the audience was great! And singing Stay for the first time was a little nerve-wrecking...how do I sing this song that's not quite a happy song, show the sad and distresssing emotions she goes through - all to a happy beat?  I did the best I could, and went upstairs and signed ALL the pictures Leslie had brought from her collection - she had a lot! It was all good. I wondered what Mystique Guy thought.  Ready for this?  He had never heard of me before! Another one! He seemed to have enjoyed the show...I hope he did.

Funny thing...while in the VIP, there was a man with a white hat on.  HOT! I know, I know, my friends, you're probably saying calm down, girlfriend! It's outrageous - I feel like a shark in the water.  Is it my hormones? Is it that it's been a long time since I've had a boyfriend?  Is it that I'm human and I'm just giving voice to what people refuse to admit? Hm. Anyway, this guy with the white hat was eyeing me, I was eyeing him.  The glances were exchanged on and off - for a moment I thought about saying hello...but I am always the one to break the ice, and it's resulted in picking thewrong man over and over again. And I should mention,  he looked somewhat of a bad boy...but looks mean nothing, and I've learned that a long time ago.

Leaving Stone Tavern, Mystique Guy and I exchanged numbers, but honestly I don't think he's attracted to me in that way at all.  I was a happy woman though & explained to him that he gave a great audition and he was our first pick - until Best Guy walked into the room.  He was VERY gracious and proved to be a good guy. I said goodbye and we got in the limo.  As the door was closing, I looked out - the man with the white hat was outside - he was looking directly at me in the limo.  The phrase "looking at me hard" came to mind.  I thought to myself, "Come on, dude, just say something.." But he remained silent...and so did I.   It was a goodnight...for me, for Leszlie, for my friends, for Mystique Guy (who traveled 2 1/2 hours to see the show) and for the audience!!   It was a good, good surprise!!
        

THE ROLE OF HUSBAND AND WIFE WILL BE PLAYED BY...

Woke up feeling like a train hit me! I woke up 18 voicemails, 14 personal emails and a messy house.  Wow...gotta clean this mess!  But nope...no time for that. Why?  Because I have to pick up the movie script for my audition on Monday, I need to meet with management and I need to meet with the video production staff again to choose the actors to be in the video for Stay. Okay, I'm going to admit this, but it's not very pretty. Ready?  Slapped some deodorant on, had morning-after-curly-frizzy-I-got-no-time-to-do-my-hair, threw on a t-shirt, workout pants and sneakers and YES - that's right I left without a shower...I did do the Puerto Rican shower:  deodarant and lots of baby powder all over.  Jumped into my car and my day began.

I answered all the emails, commments from social sites, picked up the movie script and called the actors to let them know they were cast.  When I called the female actress & told her she was cast - she was excited..very cool.  Then I called the male...it was a difficult call, my friends, why??? Because we did not choose the guy with the mystique...and....well...ok...don't think badly of me - but I felt attracted to him. Bad Judy! Bad girl!  The entire staff thought Mystique Guy would be the one, until the other guy walked in...we'll call him Best Guy. Everyone on the production staff was voting for Best Guy... I was completely torn. I thought they both looked good. I watched their screen tests over and over; looked at their photos over and over again and STILL could not decide.  I defended Mystique Guy, I tried to convince them all that he was the one...

Judy - STOP!
Thank God, I am intelligent. Well most of the time anyway.  I had to put my personal feelings aside because this is business.  I had to tell myself, it's not about who I find hot; it's about who would work best on camera, and honestly, it was Best Guy.  I stared at Mystique Guy's photo, reminding myself that in my personal life I never picked the right guy for me anyway, lol.  So I picked up the phone and called Best Guy.

"Hi, Best Guy?  This is Judy Torres."
"Oh, hi!!"
Just wanted you to know that we were down to two people and it has been a difficult decision.  We have decided that you got the part!..."

His excitement was so genuine and sweet - welll, I am beaming with pride that we made the right decision. He is tall, dark and handsome too - and he has a deepness about him that I believe will work for him on set and probably works for him in his life too! 

I'm still here at the production office...still lots to do:  Work on surprises for the future winners for the Stay Video Contest, order stuff, send out emails. Begin working on memorizing a scene for my audition on Monday, drive home, clean my home...oh yes, take a long, hot shower and thank God for the amazing momentum building in my life recently!!  Carpe Diem

AM I MY RESUME?

There's a song in the Broadway show, Chorus Line, that goes like this:
"Who am I anyway? Am I my resume?
That is a picture of a person I don't know.
What does he want from me? What should I try to be?
So many faces all around and here we go....
I need this job. Oh, God, I need this job."

Everytime I audition for anything, I think of that song. Today we auditioned actors in the city for the upcoming video for Stay. We asked 14 men (to audition for boyfriend/cheating husband) and 4 women ( to audition for the wife)...in the song my character is the "other woman."  Anyway, I myself was nervous...it's been a while since I have read from any script or had to memorize anything.  So believe it or not, I totally related to their nervousness - that's if they were nervous at all!

It was a great process: Going from looking at the actors' pictures and resumes  to seeing them come to life in front of you.  For the audition, we asked random questions; just wanted to get a feel for their personalities.  We also conducted screen tests in which they all did a scene with me. I have to say I loved the experience. Acting the same scene with different people was never the same twice.  And seeing the eye contact - feeling the chemistry- well, it's awesome!  It's going to be a very tough choice.  I think we know which woman we're going with, but the man??? Hm. It's tough...we got really good talent.  It boils down to who is the better actor; who is "believeable"?  Can the viewers look at him and believe he is a boyfriend - excuse me, my boyfirend, lol?  How does he look on camera?  Is there chemistry between us?  These questions were debated for a couple of hours at dinner this evening with the production crew & honestly, it was intensely exhilarating to be surrounded by people with the same passion for the arts!  I think we have 3 great contenders:  all good actors - and I'm absolutely dying inside to tell you about them, but until we've made a decision, I have to refrain for now.  But I will leave you with this:  one is good with improvisation; one has a vulnerability in his expression that is refreshing; and one has a mystique that is quite sexy...

Stay tuned...there wil be video footage to follow, so you can check it out for yourself.  Good night! Okay, I love you, buh bye!!

PS: I received an email today asking me to audtion for a movie!!!  The cast is GREAT & I cannot even believe I'm getting the chance to try out for it.  Meeting with the producers on Monday to discuss it & possibly read for them.  Holy crap!!  This is so freaking cool!!!!!       

Behind the Scenes, Preparing for Stay: Did You Say "Contest?"

Today was a blur, but damn, it was an exciting day!!! From the moment I woke up, there was not a moment of peace.  The day sort of went like this:  Woke up, showered, answered emails, tweeted, vocal warm up, rehearsed song, drove to Brooklyn, recorded for 4 1/2 hours like my life depended on it, drove to production office to review photos & resumes of actors and actresses auditioning for the video tomorrow, called management, got messages, drove home, gave a friend in crisis advice for an hour, cleaned the house, oh, shoot, I forgot to pick up my new publicity pictures...where was I?

Yes...answered emails, checked facebook, revised the script for tomorrow and writing this blog.  I still have to memorize my lines for the auditions!  This is so exciting!  Tomorrow there will be 3 women and 11 men coming to audition for the video for the new single, Stay.  We're looking to cast a man to play my boyfriend/husband of another and a woman to play his wife.  Although the part of the wife is a minor role, we need her.  And casting the man will be very important. We want to be sure there is good chemistry on camera between the two of us. We, the director and his staff, have made it clear we want it to be believeable that this man would be my boyfriend...not too young or too old. 

Today I stopped by the production studio to take a look at the photos and resumes of actors auditioning tomorrow.  May I just say that there are some BEAUTIFUL people in New York and New Jersey!!!  I mean, wow!  Not only are they beautiful, but they were all so pleasant on the phone.  I have to admit it's been fun searching for the right ones; wondering what they will be like when the "pictures" come to life.  I wish you could be a fly on the wall tomorrow, lol!

Anyway, I have to memorize my lines now...I haven't acted in a long time....I'm really nervous and at the same time, I am SO confident that the right people will show up tomorrow and we will have what we need for the next step.  By the way, the man I met in court yesterday called me today...AND he's single!! Hurray!!  There was only small talk because I was so busy, but I'll keep you posted on that one!  Navy Guy called today too, but I missed  his call, darn!!

In case you've not heard, we are conducting a contest where three fans (and a guest per winner) will win a spot to have VIP access to the filming of the Stay video, meet and greet with me and a special giveaways as well. If you're interested, visit http://www.judytorres.com/contest  PLEASE BE SURE TO READ  the rules for entry and finally email your photo with your information to contest@judytorres.com - that is the email address needed to submit your entry. It's going to be so much fun, and interesting for us to have that kind of experience together!  Going to rehearse now...man, my throat is killing me! Okay, I love you, buh bye!

#77! Waiting, Wishing, Wanting, Whoa!!!

This morning was my court appointment. I showed up at 8:30 a.m.  I was number 77 on the list in spite of my early arrival.  As instructed, I came with pictures I'd taken to prove I had my inspection renewed immediately, and then I waited.  Many people needed to be seen, many before me and many after.  It's just one of those things where you just have to wait patiently.  Then I found myself wishing, wishing I would get called a bit sooner. It was almost 11am, and I hadn't had breakfast yet. I was beginning to get what I call the Hunger Headache.  And then...I was wanting...wanting for the ticket to be dismissed.  You know what the universe told me today??? "It ain't gonna happen, Judy."  I spoke with the prosecutor, showed the pics to him and to the judge....final outcome:  $139.  As you all know I make it a habit to remind people that when bad things happen you have to find the good in it.  Ok...what can I appreciate here?  What's the good?  Ok.  I will NEVER EVER AGAIN allow my inspection to expire!  LOL...Thank God, I was able to afford the ticket. (that's the second thing).  Last but not least, there was a very handsome 40 something year old man - who I think was flirting with me and asked for my card.   Don't know if he was or not, but at least he was handsome...give me a break people, it's been a while, lol, nothing wrong with looking right?

Oh, good news!!!  Navy Guy returns to port in the US of A two weeks from today.  What?  What did you ask?  Am I excited?  Does Mother Theresa pray??  Are chancletas part of a hispanic woman's footwear?  Hell yea!!  LOL...okay, I'll update you next time I hear from him. (Yes, suspense, people...it works, lol)

Now, I'm wanting...wanting to get voted to be a guest host for LIVE with Regis and Kelly.  My fans/friends have shown INCREDIBLE support, many voting for me more than once and the deadline is just two days away!  It would be fantastic to be on telelvision; not merely for the great publicity, but to show others in the industry that I can do other things, and television would be great! I'd KILL to be the next Oprah....I'd be the Puerto-Rican, Cuban "OPRAHITA!"  LOL.  I'm also wanting my new single, Stay, to sell well and get on the radio - but we've got to sell LOTS of copies to earn a place on the airwaves!. 

I am so excited...today I was incredibly busy as I met with my video production staff!  Yes, we are doing a video for Stay .  So much to get done:  find a leading actor, supporting actress, hire director, producer, visual director, write the treatment, story board, get props, soundstage, scenery, make up artist, wardrobe, sytlist, hair stylist, have rehearsals, rent studios, hold auditions, lose 50 pounds in 2 weeks, lol. Whoa!!  I am happy to say, today I made the calls to audition the man who will play my boyfriend in the video...I told them my name was Samantha, lol., I didn't want to freak them out.  I have to say so far, we have fantastic contenders for the part...okay, I can confess, not bad looking either, lol.

So it's after 3am now, and I'm wiped out, and I have to be up bright and early to record my next song (yes, in this business you MUST think WAY ahead) , but I wanted to fill you in...it's been a little bit!  Okay, I love you, buh bye!
      

AND EVERY TONGUE WHICH RISES AGAINST YOU...

The last couple of weeks, I've been a bit silent...if you've ever seen any of my shows,  you'll know I cannot shut up.  But I've been quiet because recently I've encountered some strange obstacles.  There are a lot of things in this world that can hurt you, and throughout my career, I've always cried when hurt, but have always had the thick skin of perseverence, resilience and plain old determination.  But there is one thing that seems to penetrate that skin.  Hold on...I'm looking for the word.  Betrayal? Persecution?  Not sure.

When I was in high school, (Aquinas High School, Bronx, NY) I was popular, but not socially popular; I was an honor student. I excelled in Latin, pretty good with other classes, I had solos in the glee club and leads in the musicals...I worked hard.  Life at home was so stressful sometimes that I liked school. It was a temporary escape, and I always told myelf that if I worked hard, I could be successful and get my mom out of the situation we were in.  That was my drive - I wanted to be a singer, and I wanted to have a brain to fall back on, just in case.  I was asked to sing a solo for Ring Day for my class of '85 &amp.  It was Ring Day rehearsal after school and the entire 181 classs of 1985 was there.  One of the teachers announced that before we were dismissed, there was a surprise.

"Judy, come on up. Judy Torres is going to sing a song for us."
I heard so much sucking of the teeth.  I heard hissing. I heard people saying "Oh, my God...again?!"
I walked up to the podium and I was so devastated that I had practiced so much and they really didn't want to hear me, that I ran off crying.  The teacher was horrified and scolded the seniors. She forced me to come back and sing, and then made everyone stay after longer as punishment. That punishment resulted in further punishment for me by a few classmates who bullied me in the last month of school.  I felt so confused. Why would people do this to me?  I'm nice to EVERYBODY! I'm just working hard, studying hard, rehearsing hard.  I know now that it was jealousy then...it still hurt nonetheless.  I confess that I am a sensitive soul and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I was just so confused.  But that same confusion, that sense of injustice has recently reintroduced itself into my adult life.

For a very long time in this career, I can say that mostly everyone who's entered my life has been good to me.  I have proudly been able to resolve conflicts and I've also taken pride in knowing that my reputation is solid.  Until recently.

It appears that something or someone is trying to taint that reputation I work fiercely to protect and nurture to be a good one.  I do my best to be kind to everyone whose path I cross, and I do my best to be honest.  I try not to engage in gossip.  But suddenly, I have been questioned and without reason someone(s) is attempting to taint my reputation .  Suddenly, it seems a lot of things I have said have been taken out of context and I really feel, quite frankly, that I'm under attack.  I am in shock.  I am hurt.  Who would do this to me? WHY would anyone do this to me?  Out of the blue, I feel like I'm back in high school again. My manager tells me time and time again, "No one is your friend, Judy - trust NO ONE!"  I don't want to live my life like that. I don't want to be paranoid, but I was suddenly questioning everything, everyone.  For a while, I was hurt and I did a LOT of crying. I also had to do a lot of defending myself...nothing worse than trying to prove to someone your innocence when they've already decided you are guilty.  I cried. I lost sleep.  And I was pushed into silence.  But then something quite different happened that did not happen in high school:

I GOT MAD!
I have decided to channel that angry energy into bringing my career to the next level.  I have decided that the truth always gets revealed; that the truth will indeed set me free.  I do not believe in using that kind of energy to "get even"...it is disempowering.  I also realize that who ever is trying to hurt me, it's not about me. It's about them.  "They" are not feeling good about themself, so they have to do something to bring me down so that they can feel elevated.  But that elevation is temporary, for I will rise up...just like the Phoenix.  LOL...LOL...sorry got carried away.

Today, I break that silence, determined to not let my enemies, (apparently I have one or two) get me down.  Today, I release that anger, determined to forgive all of it, hoping that it will make me a stronger person.
Today, I won't feel like the Judy in high school.  I won't run away crying. I'm here to stay. LOL.
One of my favorite scriptures from the Bible that gets me through stuff like this is:
Isaiah 54: 17 - "No weapon formed against me shall prosper. And every tongue which rises against me in judgment, you shall condemn..." I stand by that.
Please by all means, if you have a story in which you can relate, please share it here!                   

WAITING FOR STAY

It's a holiday weekend....AND
I'm sick. Ugh - throat infection. 
So due to all the rest I had today, I wanted to share with you my thoughts about my new song, Stay (available on itunes now, yes, I know  it's a corny shameless plug, but I had to do it, lol)

Here's what happens when you release a new song - ready?
You pray very hard every spare moment you have that you will have a successful song
You hold your freaking breath...
You hold your breath some more...

Anyone who wants to be in this business, be prepared to wait.  Waiting, my friend, becomes such a big part of the music industry.  You wait for someone to discover you. You wait to get signed. You wait to release a song or album.  Then you wait to see if anyone bites and adds the record onto a radio station.  You wait to hear it on the radio.  You wait to see if your fans will buy it.  You wait to hear what they think.  You wait to go onstage and sing it.  Wait, wait, wait, but wait.  

Last year, I submitted many songs to my lable for consideration to which they declined all of them - frustrating, but I didn't give up.  Then I asked my label if I could record Stay.  I was told, "Okay, let's see what you come up with."  I called Valentin, producer of Faithfully, and we recorded it.  I got my good friend, Wilma, to sing back-up for me, and submitted it to the label...who wanted "changes."  LOL. If you're considering being an artist, you've got to get used to hearing, "it's not enough...something's missing. Go back and do it again."  We did it over and over, added, took away, and FINALLY they said yes...but then there are contracts to sign. And I HATE the business part of the business, but until everyone is happy and everyone has signed all papers, NOTHING happens... At the very end, one day, the label wanted a little piano fill in just before the second verse...that little change delayed the release. I admit it sounds great, but I can't hear that part without either flinching or laughing because those four notes they wanted delayed the release. God bless Valentin for his patience!  LOL       

Today, I find myself waiting again, lol. I'm still holding my breath.  There is an excitement that lives and breathes inside me when a new song is released.  The label released Stay much sooner than I had expected...although I've waited almost a year for it to be available.  So now everything is rush, rush, rush...rush to order photos, rush to get my bio updated, rush to do a video! Oh, my God, we have to do a video NOW!!!  Oh, yes I forgot, you wait and then you spend...you spend a LOT of money.  I have paid my bio writer to update my bio, paid my web designer to update the site (judytorres.com - another shameless plug, but it looks great, lol).  I paid my manager 20%; I paid the printer for photos, paid an internet publicity company to help me get the song heard...

Stay was released on June 22nd.  I was watching tv and saw this woman, this beautiful woman, sing this song called Stay, with tears in her eyes...and the tears were real and her voice was REAL!!  Really amazing!  Who is this woman?  I googled and googled and found Jennifer Nettles of country duo, Sugarland.  She wrote it while going through a divorce, but man, what a voice!!  I had to record it...why?  Because we ALL put ourselves in relationships that are unhealthy for us at some point and need to find the courage within ourselves to admit it. I have a passion for singing about empowerment - that's just me!  Well, I recorded the song almost a year ago...look how long I've waited to see that happen.

It is VERY difficult when I release something other than freestyle, because I know I'm gonna "get it" from the fans, lol.  I know what they want: simply put, more freestyle.  In this big music industry, what you don't know is what the bigwigs think, say, etc....to them freestyle is now considered a "classic" style of music, to some, they think I'm too old, and the only way to suvive in this business is to evolve...All the best of the best artists do that - they evolve, they reinvent themselves, they surrender to the fact that music always changes and you have to change too.  The current shifts, and you have to practice the art of flowing with the current. Swimming upstream just doesn't work.  You'll end up tired, you'll end up wasted...you'll end up alone.   

So, although freestyle is always in my heart, I close my eyes like I'm watching a scary movie, and PRAY that my fans love me...not just my music...So far the record label told me it is too soon to know how it's doing...I have heard some like it and some don't.  So I've done all the things I can actively do, and now....I wait. I am proud of the recording...vocally, it's one of my best!  That I can be proud of.

In many ways, I see these next five years at my last chance to prove myself in the music business - to make a bigger mark than before.  In the meantime, I continue to do all I can - record, write new songs, make appearances, perform...and the rest , I leave up to the people...LOL.  And then, I leave it to God!  That's all I can do.  In a future blog, I will tell you why Stay means so much to me and when I work up the nerve, I will tell you about the ugly politics...but not today.  Today, I wait...I wait for my throat infection to heal, I wait to get another chance with the public, I wait to see if the song gets radio play...I know, it's not a very exciting blog, but hey, I'm sick, lol!  Just wanted you to know it means so much because I've watied so long.  Oh, here's a teaser, Navy Guy is returning home at the end of the month!!