Don't know how to even begin this blog. Because...
How do I say this?
I f#$*d up!!
A brick just fell on my head. A lightbulb just went off in my brain. A lightning bolt just struck right through me.
I did it. It is my fault. I was so mad at him. I was so angry and hurt and disappointed that I blinded myself from something so obvious: the fall of the relationship was my fault. I know, I know, you'll say to me, "Judy, you're being hard on yourself. Judy, you're a good woman - you didn't do anything wrong." All these things are true. But...
Allow me to try to explain. And I may not even make sense right now because I've only had this revelation for the last 10 minutes, but I know I am on point because I'm literally stopped in my tracks - and the truth has a way of doing that - it forces you to stop wherever you are and get it...I can't move until I get it out.
If you follow my blog, you will know I have had a series of disasppointments in my love life; some you know - others I haven't shared yet. But what you know so far is that I've been cheated on, I've been lied to, and literally used. The Lobster made promises he did not keep...led me on, kept me in the dark, and when I supported him most, he left me behind - literally. Navy Guy, after saying he loved me, came with me to Beatstock, took pictures of the limos without me in them and after the show - I never heard from him again. And there was another who cheated with another woman & became a father; I forgave it all just to be left again. And I had a father, that although I know I love him and we have a better relationship now - but as a child, I'd be waiting for him to pick me up to realize hours later,(sometimes in the rain) he wasn't coming. So, in a nutshell...I have issues with feeling abandoned. I thought I'd worked through them, but I didn't realize that I let the anxiety, the fear - get in my own way.
I am guilty. I did not cheat on him, nor did I lie. But I am guilty of what many women do...it's this thing I'll call the instant relationship. I jumped too soon. Ugh...I'm not expressing it correctly. Not using the right words.
In other words, things in this last relationship were GREAT!!! I mean that...great chemistry, awesome and open communication, intense physical attraction, and lots of fun. I was so happy, so excited...We shared some really wonderful moments...and because it felt so good, so perfect...I became afraid. And that fear made me want to know "where is this going?" "What am I to him?" "Where does he want this to go?" Yes, these are all good questions...but there was NO reason for me to bring it up so soon. But I did...and I did on more than one occasion - I think to the point that he felt pushed in a corner.
The truth is I didn't know how to live in the moment. Guys are better at this than we are, ladies. The men always feel like, "we're just having a good time." I'm not talking about players - I'm talking about your average good guy...I was happy. I got carried away & I tried to make the relationship more serious than it was and more serious than it had to be. I didn't do this on purpose. I thought I was protecting myself. I thought if I could hear him say, "Yes, you're my girl" or "Yes, this is serious," that I'd somehow save myself from the surprise exit that had happened so much in my past. What happens when we do this too soon; when we make things more than they really are instead of living in the moment? We appear desperate; we seem anxious, afraid...and we all know that those qualities scare people, appear unattractive, and push them away from us even more.
He told me it wasn't me. But after really thinking about it today, I believe it was me. It wasn't that I wasn't pretty enough, or kind enough to him, or fun enough, or sexy enough...but I was too wound up which I believe really became unattractive. I did have a couple of friends warn me. "Judy, just take things day by day. Don't worry so much. If it's meant to be, it will be. Just have a good time. Just because certain men treated you a certain way in the past, doesn't mean this one will." I let my past scare the crap out of my present...damn! Damn! Damn!
I always tell my friends that failed relationships are only failed ones if you didn't learn a lesson from them. For the past few weeks all I kept thinking to myself was, 'I can't find the lesson...what did I do? I didn't do anything?' But now I see it. I feel it. It is clear to me...I drove him away by wanting too much too soon becuase I was too afraid to be too hurt again. So, if you are in any way remotely in the same place, STOP right now. Live by the moment. Enjoy him/her. Their presence in your life is a blessing. People are brought into our lives to force ourselves to look into the mirror. And today I just truly saw my reflection in the mirror. I am not an ugly woman - I was just too scared of a woman. I feel so bad right now. I'm not hating myself...not at all, but I'm not liking myself too much right now. Damn! Talk about regret...damn. I wish I could fix this. He would be worth it. Truly. I mean that.
If he does ever read this...Je suis desole - I'm sorry. And if he gave me another opportunity, I'd fix it. I would. Live for today...it's all you have, ladies and gentlemen!
Wow, that is very hard to express. But I do understand where you are coming from. Starting a new relationship and trying to have that thought in your head every second, moment wondering am I ok is this person going to be the 1 or is this going to be serious or am I pushing it. But to make it short we have to let our thoughts stop messing with us. Cause we will lose the one right under our nose. Have s bless day. Keep it going stay strong
ReplyDeleteLaJeve77 (Liana )
Oh Judy what can I say here??? You're a butthead just like the rest of us!! That's great!! hahaha Maybe he WILL read this and see what happened and give you another chance...after all you ARE human and we do make mistakes and you have had a pretty crappy past with men doin you wrong.Oh well if nothing else,maybe next time you'll realize what your doing BEFORE he leaves you and fix it then? Take it slow baby girl~ you got nothin but time whilst on this planet. Be blessed Judy~! Love ya chica. <3 xx And as always, thank you for sharing your life with "us".
ReplyDeleteJudy, you may be right. You just might have scared him off. But you wouldn't be the first. I think we've all been guilty of that at one time or another. Its just hard for us women to hold back our feelings.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand... you must consider the possibility that maybe it wasn't you. Maybe HE has issues. Maybe he was falling way too fast for himself and got scared. Maybe he's the one who should be looking in the mirror. Hopefully he will... and realize what he's missing.
Judy! Why wait for him to read it? Why don't you make the move and tell him how you feel! I think telling him face to face it better then him reading it. You can do this Judy don't be scared. Your a woman with a big <3, theres nothing to hide. Good Luck and keep us posted, cause I think the Paris gentlemans like you too!
ReplyDeleteHi Judy,
ReplyDeleteI think the bottom line is you need a sense of security- permanent security. Basically you need to know if you and are an item- that he will NEVER DATE another woman AT THE SAME TIME he is dating you.
So if you feel comfortable calling him and asking/telling "Paris" that "I have a problem with abandonment and I need to know you will NEVER NEVER date another woman while you are dating ME" then by all means call him.
Was it too soOn? In a way yes BUT I think if it were me, I would feel the same way- wonder who else the man / wman is also dating. Yes I have known PLENTY of men AND women who date 2-3 partners at the same time. I REFUSE to be in that situation.
Good luck
Love always
Leslie Guttenplan XOXOXOXOX
It takes a strong person to admit their mistakes. And I love it when people take ownership and responsibility for their actions. This is a great learning experience for everyone and a growing experience for you. No matter what age we are, we are constantly learning more about ourselves. That's what I love so much about life, learning everyday, and enjoying everyday. Hopefully you can make this right with this person. If not, a better one will be just around the corner. There is no shortage of good men out there.
ReplyDeletep.s. love the new color layout. so pink, and perky! :)
and now,this man's perspective....
ReplyDeleteI think we tend to forget that men are not so different from women. I think we want the same security and fulfillment that a relationship can offer...we just don't show it because we don't want to appear not in control...European men tend to WORSHIP their mothers and secretly like when women baby them...don't do this Judy! I recommend what Del said...I think you should be honest with him and tell him you have a problem with abandonment....but don't apologize for it...just tell him and let him digest your bravery and strength in doing so. I think if he respects that... and is allowed to respond, you have overcome a huge hurdle and can move forward, one way or the other. I hope he recognizes that you are the best thing since "sliced baguettes" and that no one will ever match your passion and heart.
Love you, Judy
xoxox
Gary