A Mother's Grief

Last month, at the Silver Spurs Arena in Kissimee, FL, my road manager was unable to be close enough to me during the show because the sound booth was so far away from the stage.  We invited a friend of his, Angel, to come to the show & Angel offered to "watch" me while I performed.  I had met Angel but only once before, but didn't know him well.  Backstage before the show, Angel & I spoke for a while about the music business and about how much he loved his wife & children.  He was very handsome, and I even told him so (that was before I found out he was married, lol).  Angel was kind enough to be sure I had my water & was literally a protective gentleman....

I received a call from his wife...Angel died.  Only 39 years old...All I could think of was, "What??...but I just saw him the other day!!  I was just talking to him!"  I offered my condolences, asked her if there was anything she needed, and hung up the phone absolutely speechless.  Another wake...the fourth wake I would attend in less than 2 months.  What is going on with the world?  Being 41, his death only made me think of how young we are, and how much more living he had to do...it made me afraid.  For the first time I was afraid.  My God, life is too touch and go...I was just - I was just...dammit, just the other day, I was talking to him.  He was smiling, confident, happy...what happened.

So a couple of days ago, I went to the wake to pay my respects.  I can't stand wakes, as I mentioned in a previous blog.  I hate walking up to the coffin and looking at a body I know no longer resembles the person I knew...their spirit is not there, leaving the body looking - well - hollow.  But I got there, and there on a large frame was the autograph I just signed for him the last time I saw him. He also had George Lamond & Noel's pictures as well.  What an honor to be placed there.  I was told he was a major Freestyle Freak, and I believed it.  I lost it as soon as I saw my picture.  Once again, I am honored to know I had any impact on  a person.  I offered sympathies to his family and sat down.  And then I heard the one sound I hope to never hear again:  the cry coming from a mother who lost her child.

"AAAAAHHHHHHEEEEEE....UUUUHHH...UUGH...Aye no!!!"  For as long as I live, I never thought a cry could pierce through your soul the way her cry did.  The cry was raw, it was from the gut..it was full of agony & inconsolable grief.  It was a cry that seeped into your bones and you could literally physically heal her pain. The pain was so deep that it hurt to hear it...it made me want to flee the room just to not have to hear it.  But just as I may think that and it hurts me for a moment, that cry is the cry that will last a lifetime for her. I just didn't know a cry could ever sound so brutally raw.

Then his daughters got up to speak...they said, "you won't be there for our graduations, you won't be able to walk us down the aisle..." Oh, my God....began crying again at the injustice of it all.  The one of many great mysteries...that weird question we all want to ask God:  "Why?  Why do children end up without their parents.  Why are they forced to endure such a loss?"  I admired their bravery and their ability to even speak.  I'd be a wreck...I could tell he was a good dad by the way they spoke of him.  Then his mother began to sob again.... 
"Why, Why God?  Why did You take him from me?"  She cried out loud, sobbing, screaming....she cried tears enough for all of us.  I couldn't stand it...I felt so helpless.  "AYE, por que, Dios?  Por que me lo quitaste??? Aye, mi hijo! (My son)...Mi hijo."  That was it...I lost it...I wanted to get up and go to her. I wanted to get her off the chair, put her on the floor, sit with her and hold her,....I wanted to hold her and rock her, the way someone rocks a child for comfort.  But I couldn't do anything.  It wasn't my place.  She doesn't know me...how do I know such a gesture would be welcome?  So all I could do is pray from afar.

"Heavenly, father, I come to you in the name of Jesus.  I ask You to please comfort Angel's mother and his wife & children.  I ask you to carry their pain, hold them in your comforting arms, and assist them through this horrific time.  I ask you to send angels that will hold them up so they do not faint or grow weary.  I ask you to permit Angel to come to them in their dreams and prove that he is okay now, because I know that he is home with You now. Only You know what they need right now to get them through this, and I thank you for providing all of it to them....if there is anyting I can do for them, please show me, and it will be done. Amen."

Angel Pagan - for the brief  time we met, I was honored to know you.  Thank you for helping me on stage with a big smile.  Thank you for taling about your wife with so much love & respect...nowadays I don't hear men praise their wives like that.  I know you loved your children and were so proud of them.  I don't know why you were taken so soon, but know this...you will be missed.  Be forever blessed with the angels, Angel...