Beautful MIchelina!

Michelina came into my life about three years ago.  I was singing with the band, Mirage, the night I met her.  We were performing at a dinner dance for the Cystinosis Foundation.  I heard that Michelina was a young woman afflicted with Cystinosis. Cystinosis is a condition in which the body accumulates the amino acid cystine (a building block of proteins) within cells. Excess cystine forms crystals that can build up and damage cells. These crystals negatively affect many systems in the body, especially the kidneys and eyes.  The life expectancy of someone afflicted with cystinosis is 15. 

When I met Michelina, I for a moment I thought she was just a child. No taller than 4 feet or so, she possessed the voice of a child.  But she was 32.  When I was introduced to her, I bent down and saw her radiant smile and her already crystalized eyes - the disease caused her to go blind. Although it is a horrific and sad thing, whenever I saw her, I felt her eyes were beautiful blueish and white marbles.  To me they were beautiful, because when she smiled the sparkle in her eyes fought through the blindness.  I shook her hand.  "Hello, Michelina!"  She beamed, "Hi, Judy!"  She motioned for me to come closer. I bent down and she whispered, "Judy Torres, you are my favorite singer in the whole world!"  I laughed and feeling flattered, I said, "In the whole wide world?  That's a BIG compliment!"  "Yep!" She reaffirmed...Well I knew and Mirage knew we had to make this a special performance just for her.  When we reached the freestyle set, I walked out into the middle of the dance floor, and asked her to come out.  I sang Faithfully and Come Into My Arms, and dedicated it to her.  She danced and laughed and you never would know that this young woman was living with so much pain, burden and sickness.

The following year we met yet again for another fundraiser for cystinosis, and I just felt this bond with her everytime we spoke.  I felt a strange sense of responsibility to be sure that when we spoke I had to ensure it was of substance and full of love.  She called me at KTU all the time. And each time she called, I always put our conversation on the air. It was a small act of kindness, but I wanted her to know she mattered to me; that she was important to many; and that she was quite special.  Just a few months ago, they held an annual fundraiser for cystinosis but this time was different.  I was not able to go because I  had a show out of state.   I felt so bad, even on the plane I felt a pang of guilt. I did send words of apologiy to her for being unable to come.  I did indeed wonder how she was doing.  Then about a month ago, I received a call from her:

"Hello, KTU!" 
"Hi, Judy...it's me, Mickey!"  "We missed you!"
"Oh, Mickey, I am SO sorry."
"That's ok, Judy!  I understand."
"You're not made at me, Mickey?"
"Of course not...don't be silly. I understand.  You had to work."
"Thank you, Mickey, fur understanding. I really did want to be there."
"I know...how was your show?"
"It was really good...how are you feeling?"
"Well I have one more round of chemo and that's it.!"
"Well you sound great. I know you are a strong girl."
"Yeah, I feel great!"
"Well, I'm thinking about you. I love you."
"I love you too."

Then I put the call on the air, and as I listened to it, I thought it strange that she mentioned chemo. Hm, I wondered. Do they treat cystinosis patients with chemotherapy?  Little did I know in addition to the cystinosis, she was also stricken with cancer.  I got the call in the afternoon from Mirage's keyboard player.  Mauro told me that Mickey passed away the day before.  Oh, ugh, oh....the day stopped right there.  I cried and cried, and felt so much guilt that the last fundraiser would have been my last chance to see her. She passed away peacefully, I understand, with famly surrounding her.

I went to the wake the day after I received the call.  So many people there paying respect...I walked up to the coffin. I've been to many wakes, and there's always a slightly awkward moment when approaching tthe body in the coffin. I actually hate wake, because I feel that the person is not there at all...they never look the way you understood them to look.   But this time, I was dreading walking to it..the last time I dreaded it, my first manager, George Vascones had passed, and I my knees literally gave way.  It was the worst feeling.  I said a prayer in front of the coffin...I thanked Mickey for being in my life, thanked God for carrying her in His arms now & for blessing us with her presence and mighty spirit.  I expressed my sympathies to the family, and then I saw Michelina's mother.  She took one look at me, and lost it.  She cried, and hugged me.  It's that type of hug that you have to hug them harder than normal because you need to silently let the person know that you feel their pain.  That type of hug...wow.. it's like if you don't hold on to them, they will crumble in your midst.  I had no problem and I held her tightly until she was ready to let go.  But her pain flowed through my body. I felt it.  It hurt.  It was devastating.  Her mother looked up at me and said, "Mickey loved you SO much. Do you have any idea how much she loved you?"  I tried to be strong, and conveyed to her mother that I loved her too. I told her about the phone call at KTU and how she said I was her favorite singer.  I told her, "You have my number...call me if you need anything."

As I walked a bit, Michelina's sister hugged me, and said, "Did you see the picture of you with Mickey?"  No, I hadn't...I go over to the collage of pictures and there it is.  The first picture I had taken with Mickey the day I'd met her. I can see the love in both our eyes, and I cried. I felt so honored. I felt so humbled. I felt so blessed. I felt so lucky to have known her.  I went to accompany my friend to the bathroom and it was in that bathroom that I released the tears. I'm crying right now...so sad.  I mean, I really cried...all I coudl think of is 'what did I do that I was so special  to this person?  All I did was talk to her a bit...damn, I am not even worthy.' But wow, to know that someone loved me that way was overwhelming, humbling and so reaffirming that whatever attmepts I made to let her know she was special, she did the very same for me.

The one thing that gives me comfort is knowing that I did tell her I loved her before she left this world.  Whew,  thank God I didn't miss that chance.  Michelina changed who I am. She taught me not to complain when in pain.  She taught me not to shout when things are in doubt.  She taught me to look beyond someone's illness and see their spirit first.  Michelina is an angel now. I have lit many candles in her honor lately, in hopes that she's happy and that she'll look over me in my illness with multiple sclerosis.  I love  you, ti amo, Michelina - tanti bacci! (many kisses)                 
    

Baby Names!! Need Your Help

Dear readers:

I received this email from one of my dear fans, who has asked for help...please post your name suggestions underneath so she may see it...if she selects one of your choices, I will let inform you.  Since she doesn't know the baby's sex yet, please post either female or male name. Thank you so much..this is going to be fun. Here is her letter to me:

   Hey Judy its Stephanie...I wanted to ask for some advice. I am going to have a baby hopefully everything turns out good and I wanted to know if u can help me find a name for our future child. I will be updating you on the sex of the baby but at this moment id like if u can give me a couple of names that you think might work. We are open to anything foreign but hopefully it can sound good to the last name Martinez. I personally like the name Judy but my boyfriend and me have to agree on it! I hope u don't find this weird but it would be a honor if u get help me decide on a couple of names. If u can help me this would be great!

Frenchie's Misfortune

So it was last Thursday. I had just returned home from visiting a friend.  I am usually happily greeted by my two kittens, Frenchie & Sedona. But this day was different.  I called out to Frenchie, and she was nowhere to be found.  "Frenchie? Where are you, baby?"  I pleaded over and over again.  I checked the windows and all the screens were intact, so she didn't fall out accidentally.  I looked in all her favorite places:  under my bed and in the crevice behind my computer. Nothing.  I started to get nervous, so I began checking places I would never think of: the closets, the bathtub, the cabinets...wait...oh, my God, please tell me she's not in the refrigerator. Oh, the horror.  I opened the door, and was relieved that she wasn't being suffocated to death.  Now panic began to set ...did she run out when I had left this morning?  I didn't think so...she's such a shy and overly cautious thing...there's now way.
I began to write letters to post in my building:
LOST MY KITTEN, FRENCHIE
SHE'S A CALICO: GREY, WHITE AND LIGHT BEIGE. VERY SHY AND HER SISTER, SEDONA MISSES HER..IF FOUND PLEASE CALL....ASAP. THANK YOU.
It was deja vu all over again...years ago, I lost my Mooshka that way, and by 2am, I'd received a call from a neighbor stating that she ran into his apartment and was hiding under his bed...yea, sure, she is...But it was the truth and this neighbor is now my friend.  Anyway, I posted the letters, contacted my super, and began pacing.  I searched anther room...and there were spatters of droplets, and a small puddle of what looked like either blood or dark vomit.  I looked for a source, but found nothing.  All of a sudden, Frenchie magically appeared.  Oh, NOOOOOO!

Her tongue was hanging out, this gook dangling from her mouth.  When I approached her, Frenchie ran under the bed.  I pushed the bed with all my might, and there was blood EVERYWHERE!!!  I called the vet, told them her status, grabbed her, placed her in a towel because she DESPISES carriers, and got in my car - at 5:30pm  in the heart of rush hour traffic.  It couldn't have moved any slower, as Murphy's Law would have it, and the vet was an half-hour away at least.  She was motionless, and she was breathing very hard.  Her tongue began to turn blue and I lost my mind!  Called the vet again.  "Is there something I can do until I get her to you?"  "No," replied the vet, "Just get her here QUICKLY!" Please, God, don't let her die, please God, don't let her die...became my mantra.  Oh, my God...so much traffic.  I didn't want road rage to take over, so I took a detour and blew 2 lights...yes, I blew two whole red lights...So what!!!

Got her to the vet.  Frenchie had 106 fever, was having trouble breathing and was almost motionless.  The vet came back, told me that they'd given her oxygen and fluids and asked me all the right questions, but we didn't know what happened.  She sent me home with Frenchie, and told me to bring her back tomorrow after the results from the blood test returned.  That night Frenchie appeared a bit better. She was no longer hiding, and slept on the bed next to me.  So the next day we returned to the vet, where I was told she had a very bad infection...possibly an allergic reaction, etc.  So I was sent home with Frenchie after she was given a large dose of antibiotics via injection.  We went home, and all was well...until suddenly, I couldn't find her again...when I did, her tongue was out, and she was different.  So I took her to an emergency hospital. I sat there like a very concerned parent as I waited almost 2 hours before I could even see the vet.  When they finally took Frenchie for an exam, I still had to wait.  They decided to hospitalize her, give her serious pain meds, put her on oxygen and told me they wouldn't know anything until the morning.  Whew...it was 2:30am when I went home.

So it turned out that she had serious trauma to the back of her throat, back of her tongue and under it.  They believe she ate something sharp, and tried to spit it out.  I searched that house for the source, but found nothing.  Either way, guilt set in...did I neglect to sweep a piece of glass at some time?  Did I leave anything around?  Hm, I don't think so, but I still feel bad.

Over $2000 dollars later, Frenchie is home now, and in my opinion, you cannot place a price on a life.  She is her sweet, friendly, affectionate self.  She's also bumping into walls because she's go one of those UFO-looking  neck things...too funny.  She's purring and she's fighting me to the death to be fed on her feeding tube as she still is unable to swallow.   And that is just fine, because it means she's got the FIGHT in her.  Lessons learned?  Pet Insurance is a must...and to anyone else, she's just a cat, but to me, she's my "child."  She has a soul that is sweet, and as I rescued her, I knew deep down she needed some healing...she needed a touch, a smile, a home and she needed love...just like we all do.     
      

         

Little Blessings That Meow

They say that all good and bad news come in sets of threes.  Well, almost  six years ago, I received bad news...
in three bigblows:

I lost my beloved cat of 18 years, Mooshka, to lung cancer.  I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, and while I was hospitalized during that horrific week, and was told to avoid stress at all costs, I had to put my other cat, Floofie, of 18 years to sleep because he'd had bowel disease and the vet said it would be inhumane to keep him alive..  It was a horrible time for me.  And even to this day, I hate that I had to make that decision all alone to put them to sleep. 

Six years later, I get a phone call from two of my friends, Jen and Millie, who told me that they found a kitten.  She had been abandoned by her mother. She was a calico (black, orange and white) with the bluest eyes and only 2 weeks old.  I told them, "Oh, I can't. I just can't."  Five minutes later I get a text telling me that they posted a picture on Facebook and it was love at first sight.  That night she was home with me...a big red splotch in the middle of her forehead.  I was planning a solo trip to Sedona,  Arizona, also known as "Red Rock Country."  Therefore, I appropriately named her Sedona.

Two weeks later, her eyes turned green and so did her mood.  She began biting, jumping on me at night, an dit was becoming painful.  A trip to the vet later, I was told by him that she needed a play mate...and the search began.  I promised myself I would NOT do it again...I would not get attached to another animal- I sould not be financially responsible - I would not be vulnerable to ever having to say goodbye to another pet again - it was sheerly painful.  I literally almost fainted when the first one died. 

Since I was a child I had a BIG and SENSITIVE heart for animals.  My family makes fun of me to this day because I brought home any and all stray animals to my home when I was a child.  When my mom would say, "Judy, mama, there's no room for any more,"  I would lose it. I would cry with the lower lip trembling and everything, and I'd say, "PLEASE, PLEEEASSSE Mom!  Where are they gonna go?  They're going to die....we can't let them die.  Do you want it to die??"  I am grateful to my mom for allowing me to exercise so much compassion at an early age...and to this day I don't regret it.  So back to finding Sedona a playmate.

I drove to the no-kill shelter in Jersey City, and began my search for the perfect playmate kitten.  There were so many kittens and cats alike...and my inner child wanted to take them all home.  There were many kittens just a couple of months old, all spunky and vocal.  But in this cage, there was a kitten hiding way in the back.  She was quiet...and she was white, light gray and light beige.  I asked the man about her. "Oh, that's Frenchie.  Someone adopted her, but never came back. She's shy...she was abused in her last home."  That's all I needed to hear.  Frenchie was on her way home.

Sedona is spunky, feisty, vocal and she loves to play fetch, believe it or not. It is not enough to her to just play with toys. I have to toss them high in the air and she jumps each time catching it with impressive marksmanship.  She still bites, but only once in a while.  She bullies Frenchie sometimes, but ffor the most part, they love each other. 

Frenchie is shy, timid, afraid, traumatized..lol.  But after a few months, she loves to sit on my lap.  She goes limp in my arms when I carry her, which I understand is a characteristic of the Ragdoll breed in cats.  Frenchie also opens her mouth to meow but nothing comes out, and it always makes me laugh. The best thing about her is that she always shows me her stomach and lets me rub it for hours as she purrs; which I understand is a show of complete trust...something Sedona won't let me do.  As quiet as Frenchie is, when Sedona does bully Frenchie, she surpirses both of us with a lion's growl, not a hiss... a growl!  LOL.  And Sedona is extremely affectionate in the morning. I always wake up to her head resting on my hand.

My point?  I don't have a husband, or a live in boyfriend, or a roommate...and there are times when I get lonely.  Coming home to these little creatures completes my day just enough for me to be reminded that I am loved unconditionally. That's what pets do for us...they are God's reminders that we are loved unconditionally.  Sedona and Frenchie are my little blessings that meow. 

Tomorrow, I will blog about Frenchie's recent brush with death.  She's home now, and she's purring on my lap with her stomach turned up!  Amen.                    

AHOY! NAVY GUY?! HUH?

I'd be remiss to say that I haven't heard from the man I refer to as "Navy Guy."  If you're in the dark about who he is, allow me to recap.  It was sometime back in the fall that I was performing in a club, and I asked the audience if there was anyone there that had never seen me perform before.  He was one of the 3 hands that was raised in the air, and he was the one that just stuck out.  After the show, he came up to take a picture and it was then, that his cousin informed me that he'd just returned from his last deployment of over a year and half.

We began talking and I discovered he was in the Navy, thus receiving the name, Navy Guy!  I asked him to dance with me, and it was hard at times because some wonderful women were rude and just kept trying to dance with him without even any regard to the fact that this chunky but funky girl was finally getting some attention, lol!  He politely denied the women, telling the last one, "I'm sorry, I'm with Judy tonight."  That comment won him points, and while in the middle of a song, I kissed him.    He was only in town for the weekend, but every weekend, he reappeared to take me out.  And a relationship was born.  I never allowed myself to fall in love with him because he'd made it clear that he had a lot of emotional stuff to work through, that he was not in a place to have a serious relationship because he was being deployed again in January.  To make a very long story a little bit shorter, we went up and down:  one moment feeling like this was something real and would grow - he said things like I have feelings for you, I miss you, etc.  and the next moment with him reminding me, "look, like I said I got my wall up...not going there."  So just before he left for his deployment, I told him we should cut the "ties" and just be friends...I told him I don't kiss my friends, nor am I a booty call.  I was not built to be a booty call...to me a booty call makes me feel like a make a cameo appearance - and I want to be the leading lady.

So, as we both had promised since he left for deployment in January, we've been in contact...not too often, but from time to time a friendly email.  One of the last emails he sent, he admitted he's missed me and would like to talk when he gets back about possibly being a "couple." Oh, the mixed feelings.  I felt joy, excitement, nervousness, and I also felt doubt, confusion and an urge to protect myself - protect my heart.  Since he's been gone, I've dated here and there, and for a moment, I even thought my ex was going to be back in my life. I was excited about that prospect, but once again, he didn't back up his actions with his words.  And so I am open...open to what God brings me...open to the love of my life that I know is out there somewhere.

Today, I received an email from him...I caved a little and told him in the last email that I've thought of him, his smile, his great moves when he dances...and today he emails me, (he calls me Julie because he'd never heard of Judy Torres when we met, and thought my name was Julie Torres, lol) he says in his emial:  "Julie, you had me at hello..." So, here I am, not sure what he's doing...maybe he's just been at sea for way too long.  After all, 3 months at sea, arriving at no port would make any man delirious, and nostalgic for life at home. Or on the other hand, 3 months at sea could force a man to reassess his life and what' important to him.

I vowed to myself I would not "wait" around...so I'm not.  But I do have fond memories, and have to admit, I think it would be nice to see him again. I'd be a liar if I said I don't want to see him.  He was a joy during the time I knew him...he always did what he said he'd do, and I laughed much more than I cried. What do you think I should do? Hmm...wondering.               

CANDY CANDY CANDY!

Lent is officially over!  Hurray...just wanted to express my joy that I can finally indulge a little in candy and soda today!  I had given that up for Lent, and it was more than hard, especially when I was in crisis and stressed, and believe me, I was in crisis.

So today is Easter...a day to rejoice Christ's resurrection and to remind ourselves that when we pass, we will be in His care for eternity...and today, I get to eat, candy candy candy!  I don't know where to begin..what do I have first? 

Wait.
I'm not thinking straight..wasn't it worth giving up?  Didn't I lose a few pounds from just giving that up?  In long term, doesn't it really make me a healthier person?  Sure it does...
But allow me this...
If you don't hear from me for the rest of the day, I am somewhere in a movie theater, eating candy corn, raisenettes, candy corn, peeps, cadbury eggs...did I say candy corn?  LOL..
Tomorrow I will re-assess and go back to being candy free...
Tomorrow.
Not today!  

He's Gay? No Me Diga!! So What!

Many years ago, there was so much undying speculation that Ricky Martin was gay.  My reaction at the time?  So what!!  So many years ago, the media constantly bombarded this very talented young man, who they themselves put on a big pedestal.  And somehow that same media monster who builds people up -  well, they just couldn't wait to take him down.  It appears the media sometimes searches for that one thing that may be considered an Achilles heel...and with that, they bury the talent they once discovered and resurrected onto the great pedestal of celebrity!

Back then, Ricky Martin, neither confirmed nor denied his sexual preference.  And it was that decision, his decision to keep his private life private, that ultimately, in my opinion, hurt his career permanently.  The media wanted to make a circus of the story, and he wouldn't oblige them.  They punished him and we barely ever hear his dear voice on the airwaves anymore.

Now, today, he has come out. He has admitted he is gay.  My reaction at this time?  So what!!!  LOL..I mean, I am happy that he has admitted his sexuality, but it's the same as losing weight:  you only do it for yourself, not for others!  So, yes, I'm proud of him now, but I was just as proud then, because I respected that he demanded his private life be his own. 

I have a lot of gay friends, I have a lot of straight friends, I have a lot of flawed friends and I have perfect ones too...gay or straight - I love them all, and I do believe it is such a private matter to come out to your family.  Some of my friends have lost loved ones becuase they decided to stand in their truth.  And many people have committed suicide becuase they felt pressure to conform, to deny, to hide...or they came out and were ultimately rejected.  So if any of you are reading this, and this is what you face, please know I am on your side to be true to who you are, whether you want to do it privately or publicly!  It is not my business what you are behind closed doors.  As long as you are not hurting yourself or others, I stand here with you always standing by your side!